BDsm

I certainly would never argue with someone who says they CAN feign submissiveness and enjoy it ONLY because it pleases their partner, but i have never met one or heard it second hand, or read about it on a discussion thread. That doesn't mean they dont exist. On the other hand, i have met and read and heard of people who can act dominant or learned how to be in order to please their partner. Some of them actually do not like it after all. Others like it because their partner likes it. But i have never heard someone who does not enjoy subbing or bottoming say they get vicarious enjoyment out of participating in that activity.

I realize i just repeated myself, but this is a touchy subject for people sometimes and i wanted to make sure it is understood that this is MY experience ONLY and is in no way a broad statement about all things everywhere.
 
Wendigo is involved in an LDR D/s relationship. They talk primarily over Skype and have known each other through his online RP Group. They became more involved outside of the group last year and it has moved to the point where he collared her last month. The likelihood of them meeting in person is slim to none as she lives on the other side of the country and her fiance would not be okay with them having a relationship in "real life". The funny thing is, most of what he tells her to do are things that are directly benefiting her fiance; like ordering her to dress sexily and drive to where her fiance lives and fuck him senseless.
 
Long distance, you can do things like require someone to go to the bathroom at work at a specific time and take pictures of themselves naked (for instance of their genitals) or even ask them to masturbate and film it. They'd send you the "proof", but really, they do it because they want to, so there isn't really a need to enforce it.
 
And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Not really a sub? Not really the gender or age or whatever that they say they are? A sub can send pix or get on cam even if their Dom/me doesn't want to. But I can imagine some Dom/mes who would be ok with getting on cam themselves.

I was referring to their identity. Does everyone stay anonymous or do they know each other's real names and contact info?

Wendigo is involved in an LDR D/s relationship . . . he collared her last month.

How did he do that? Did he send her an actual collar in the mail and keep the key? I saw some references to being a "keyholder." It seemed that the Dommes would treat the key (whether of a collar or chastity device) as proof of... something. I guess the sub sends pics of themselves wearing it?

Long distance, you can do things like require someone to go to the bathroom at work at a specific time and take pictures of themselves naked (for instance of their genitals) or even ask them to masturbate and film it. They'd send you the "proof", but really, they do it because they want to, so there isn't really a need to enforce it.

Hmmm. In this blog I found, there were more than a few Dommes who say their policy is "Do not ever send me pictures of you naked or talk to me about sex." Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess). For them, it's all about the power exchange and they don't want sex or sexy pics/videos involved. I could never, ever trade sexy or naked pics or videos with anyone, even in an established long-term relationship. You just don't know where that stuff would wind up.

I am just trying to grasp the concept of domming and I would think that the online element adds more of a challenge.

Some day I am going to make a documentary about this stuff. Even though it's not for me and some things about BDSM disturb me, some of it fascinates me to no end!
 
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How did he do that? Did he send her an actual collar in the mail and keep the key? I saw some references to being a "keyholder." It seemed that the Dommes would treat the key (whether of a collar or chastity device) as proof of... something. I guess the sub sends pics of themselves wearing it?

Chastity play is a whole different thing, even though it's usually done in the confines of a D/s relationship. Being a keyholder is usually held as a very important and special thing. It takes a lot of trust for someone to trust someone else to be in control of their sex organs!

There are plenty of ways to do it long distance, though I have no experience with that. The common thing to do is have numbered plastic locks...I imagine pictures would be taken and sent back and forth. Locking a collar on isn't very practical in LD "real life"...unless the person is comfortable wearing their collar full time. Of course, the numbered plastic keys could be used in that circumstance as well.
 
Hmmm. In this blog I found, there were more than a few Dommes who say their policy is "Do not ever send me pictures of you naked or talk to me about sex." Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess).

Was it professional dommes? I was just thinking of what I've heard people in BDSM relationships sometimes do when they are apart.
It's also possible to send a text telling someone "go do this now" and then not request any proof, I guess.

I could never, ever trade sexy or naked pics or videos with anyone, even in an established long-term relationship. You just don't know where that stuff would wind up.

Definitely legitimate. It involves a lot of trust, not just in each other, but also that the pictures or videos can't be intercepted.
 
I was referring to their identity. Does everyone stay anonymous or do they know each other's real names and contact info?

Why not share names? If you're play partners, you want to be intimate. That would include names.


Hmmm. In this blog I found, there were more than a few Dommes who say their policy is "Do not ever send me pictures of you naked or talk to me about sex." Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess). For them, it's all about the power exchange and they don't want sex or sexy pics/videos involved.

I've found some Dom/mes are actually pretty repressed people and dont want, or can't have, regular sex. I know some Dom/mes will go through a session denying orgasm to their sub. The sub likes this. So, win-win. Personally I am quite the opposite.
 
Hey everybody,
I came across an interesting blog and did a little reading about a certain kind of domination which got me curious about something, so I thought I'd post a question here. I know I've read on this forum that people have been, or know others who have been, in D/s relationships that are totally online.

How does that work? I admit that totally online relationships of any kind mystify me for many reasons - but to dom someone that way would seem even more challenging. I am aware that pros do this sort of thing online and charge subs for their various services - and I imagine there is a lot of web-camming going on. But what about real Doms and Dommes who are not pros? In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it). How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.? And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?

If you or anyone you know has an online D/s thing going on that isn't professional, I hope you share the logistics of it and how it is managed and maintained. Just so curious - I had to ask!

So, what was this blog? Sounds like a very particular set of people, and not necessarily representative of the way the majority of kinky folks might do long-distance D/s relationships.

I know that, for myself, I started developing a relationship with my new boyfriend/dom -- including photos, names, intimacy, orgasms on both sides, and a fair amount of D/s -- through online correspondence before we met in person. If, for some reason, we'd never been able to meet in person, and yet had still wanted to carry on a relationship, I don't see any reason that it would look different from any other online relationship or LDR... it'd just be kinky.

Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?

I'd actually say that, for more of the people I've known, it starts with the urge -- the desire to dominate. The person who feels that desire is then forced to gain confidence and develop leadership skills in order to become skilled at this thing that they badly want to do. As they do it more, it helps them build their confidence and leadership ability alongside their skills in a nice positive feedback loop.
 
So, what was this blog? Sounds like a very particular set of people, and not necessarily representative of the way the majority of kinky folks might do long-distance D/s relationships.
Hmm, what stands out about what I wrote that makes you say it is dissimilar to how most kinksters do online D/s?

It is a very specific type of domination and submission, yes. But I am hesitant to reveal what it is and where the blogs are, basically because I realized that I have participated in something like it in my past (non-kinky) relationships, quite by accident. The ways in which the dommes describe why they are into it and how some of the elements of that power exchange appeal to them surprisingly resonated with me, in some way. So, I want to investigate it right now, without blabbering on about all of it just yet.

This is really unexpected - I am not saying I want to embark on it, but I find it intriguing. I have been told several times in my life that I would make a "good dominatrix" and would immediately say, "No way!" and then I read about this (which I'd never heard of before) and see a faint shade of it in my past, so... just exploration and trying to understand it and myself a little better right now.
 
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How does that work? I admit that totally online relationships of any kind mystify me for many reasons - but to dom someone that way would seem even more challenging.

I got into it briefly on Second Life. The avatar bit helped with some aspects of the roleplay. But most of the actual D/s interaction happened in private chat while our avatars were standing around picking their noses. Or rather, the submissive avatar was kneeling and the Dominant avatar was holding a leash to the submissive's avatar. Meanwhile in chat, we would roleplay scenes, and they would involve real-world instructions.

How do they develop the relationship, dominate, enforce their contracts, etc.?

D/s is about trust. Trust is a two-way street. Enforcement is part of the play. If someone needs to constantly be enforced to do something, then it's a sign either that they don't like it, or that they enjoy the discipline from not doing it.

IMO, most well-matched D/s relationships don't require a lot of enforcement because the submissive genuinely wants to serve the Dominant, and their own internal motivation is much stronger than any external enforcement the Dom/me could ever impose. The exception being where discipline and punishment ARE the desired act, in which case you negotiate those acts as you would negotiate anything else.

If you can't trust your submissive to do what you tell them to do, then there are bigger problems.

And how would they know the subs are really who they say they are?

Depending on how deep you're going, it may not even matter. If two people act out a scene and they both get their jollies, then it really doesn't matter if they're both full of shit, as long as they're both satisfied.

Also, do you think anyone gets into domming in order to gain confidence and develop leadership skills, or is it usually just something they are naturally skilled at?

I would argue that for every thing that people do and every conceivable reason, there is someone on the planet doing it for that reason. Unquestionably, some people get into Domming with "alterior motives." And again, as long as everyone gets what they need, there's nothing wrong with that.

I certainly would never argue with someone who says they CAN feign submissiveness and enjoy it ONLY because it pleases their partner.

Hmm.. But could it not be said that someone who feigns submissiveness and enjoys it only because it pleases their partner is still being genuinely submissive on some level, simply by receiving their satisfaction from their partner's pleasure?

I was referring to their identity. Does everyone stay anonymous or do they know each other's real names and contact info?

Again, some do, some don't. I doubt you could ever collect accurate statistics, because the people who play anonymously are exactly the people who would be less likely to participate in the statistics gathering.

Many will create videos and send pics to subs as rewards, but it seems even more will NOT cam or do things like that, and look down a little bit on those who do -- but they will talk on the phone with their subs or slaves, to tell them what to do (I guess). For them, it's all about the power exchange and they don't want sex or sexy pics/videos involved.

I look down a little bit on those who look down a little bit on people for not doing things exactly the same way they do things. Elitism is stupid. "My way is better than yours" is stupid, provided your way is not harmful and all people involved are getting their needs met.

People also do power exchanges in all kinds of ways. Some are more of the Daddy/caregiver type, in which case it's not so much about "you're my little bitch" but more "I want to take care of you." For others, there's an element of wanting to be worshipped. I can imagine someone camming because they want to be flattered or something. *shrug* to each their own.
 
Hmm.. But could it not be said that someone who feigns submissiveness and enjoys it only because it pleases their partner is still being genuinely submissive on some level, simply by receiving their satisfaction from their partner's pleasure?

Hmm, not only could it be said, but you just said it.

However, it is not part of the model I referenced.
 
Hmm, what stands out about what I wrote that makes you say it is dissimilar to how most kinksters do online D/s?

"In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it)."

In the kink circles I run in, it's not really a common thing to feign like subs are lowly creatures who don't "deserve" awesome, sexy things that would make them happy, or that being sexy or naked or vulnerable somehow "lowers" the position of a dominant person (to put this in context, Clay, who is very much the dominant partner in our relationship, has pole danced for me twice now). As such, I just don't imagine that that would be part of how those same people would do online D/s.

There are always different flavors to different subsets of subcultures, and there's nothing "wrong" with how the dommes you're talking about describe their version of play -- if it works for them and their partners then it is exactly the right thing for them -- I just don't necessarily think that it's warranted to assume that that's standard across the wider BDSM community, y'know?

It is a very specific type of domination and submission, yes. But I am hesitant to reveal what it is and where the blogs are, basically because I realized that I have participated in something like it in my past (non-kinky) relationships, quite by accident. The ways in which the dommes describe why they are into it and how some of the elements of that power exchange appeal to them surprisingly resonated with me, in some way. So, I want to investigate it right now, without blabbering on about all of it just yet.

This is really unexpected - I am not saying I want to embark on it, but I find it intriguing. I have been told several times in my life that I would make a "good dominatrix" and would immediately say, "No way!" and then I read about this (which I'd never heard of before) and see a faint shade of it in my past, so... just exploration and trying to understand it and myself a little better right now.

That is totally valid, and I wish you the best!
 
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"In this one blog several Dommes said they would never send nude pictures or explicit videos of themselves to a sub, because that would lower their position (and a sub wouldn't "deserve" it)."

In the kink circles I run in, it's not really a common thing to feign like subs are lowly creatures who don't "deserve" awesome, sexy things that would make them happy, or that being sexy or naked or vulnerable somehow "lowers" the position of a dominant person (to put this in context, Clay, who is very much the dominant partner in our relationship, has pole danced for me twice now). As such, I just don't imagine that that would be part of how those same people would do online D/s.

There are always different flavors to different subsets of subcultures, and there's nothing "wrong" with how the dommes you're talking about describe their version of play -- if it works for them and their partners then it is exactly the right thing for them -- I just don't necessarily think that it's warranted to assume that that's standard across the wider BDSM community, y'know?

I may have left out an important element. Here's the gist of what I've read, or how I basically understand what I read: The dommes on a particular message board/blog were discussing various ways to reward a sub for their service/submission in an online relationship. Some dommes reward their subs for "good behavior" by sending noodz or video clips, camming for them, things like that. Others say that if a domme does that, then who is really in charge? The sub is really only doing what they're asked in order to get porn, and not really to serve, if that is what they expect out of it.

The dommes who are against it say it makes them basically a prostitute. Not that they look down on prostitutes, but they feel that the elements of dominance and submission should be the primary motivating factor in these relationships, not getting porn, and that there are other ways to praise or reward their subs. They feel that the ones who give porn in exchange for the tasks that the subs do muddies the authority of a domme, and that the focus should be on giving the subs a reason to serve and that knowing how they've pleased their domme and the sense of being of service should be reward enough (or the reward of highest priority). They also think that the relationships with subs who expect to receive sexy pics/videos, etc., will be short-lived because there is a tendency to get a little addicted to receiving porn for doing what one is asked and so the subs will just seek out other dommes and flit around looking for their porn fix, while a longer-lasting D/s relationship will come out of the domme giving the subs more meaningful rewards or reasons to serve, becoming more a part of their lives, etc. Some said that sexy pics and stuff can be sent after the relationship has become established; basically that the sub has to earn that (and other things, like meeting in person) over time.

It does seem that many subs in this area want humiliation. Hence the "they don't deserve it." Some dommes say that they ignore their subs or call them names, etc., (I know I couldn't get into humiliating someone). Others see their subs as pets and do praise/reward them, just not with porn. The porn as a reward seems to be a sticking point with many of the dommes who are into this.
 
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Interesting! Yeah, "tit for tat" doesn't make sense to me in the context of service, whether it's noodz or another form of reward. I think that ample give-and-take in a D/s dynamic can be enriching for both sides, but it's hard to think of something as "service" if you can expect something back every time you give, specifically to reward you for giving -- that sounds more like a sexual barter system. For someone who's really into service, the opportunity for service is in itself a reward. So, yeah, everything you've described makes sense to me, especially the bit about them being willing to share pix later on but wanting to make sure that the dynamic is real before going there.
 
As a counterpoint to my last post, I really enjoyed this essay that addresses how things can be taken too far, sometimes by submissive people themselves, towards not taking their needs into consideration: http://www.notjustbitchy.com/submissive-robot/
 
just want to say hello. I am new here.

I have a submissive hubby and a slave that belongs to me. We are on the verge of becoming a 24/7 family with my men being 'brother husbands' rather than lovers.

I will be submitting a contract for my slave to sign this week. It's all very exciting. After he signs it, I will placing him in chastity and beginning his training. Wish us luck! :)

I am excited to find this forum for advice and info and support.:)
 
just want to say hello. I am new here.

I have a submissive hubby and a slave that belongs to me. We are on the verge of becoming a 24/7 family with my men being 'brother husbands' rather than lovers.

I will be submitting a contract for my slave to sign this week. It's all very exciting. After he signs it, I will placing him in chastity and beginning his training. Wish us luck! :)

I am excited to find this forum for advice and info and support.:)



Sounds like you have a thing going on over there. I look forward to reading more about it.
 
I will be submitting a contract for my slave to sign this week. It's all very exciting.

I have always been curious about the contracts for D/s and Master/slave relationships. Are there good sources online where people get templates or sample contracts to customize and use? Is there a particular format or outline that is generally accepted? I also wonder if there are certain items that are always a part of BDsm contracts, and things that are usually cautioned against including in one. I've taken some classes in the basics of contracts and contract law, so this part of BDsm always intrigued me -- can they generally be recognized beyond the relationship, as in the possibility that there was some problem, could a BDsm contract be upheld in a court of law? I would love to see some real contracts that people have used for their kinks.
 
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They are not legal just personal agreements between individuals.

right. Since slavery is illegal, they really are just sort of 'gentleman's agreements'. But they do help in that each party is able to define needs and limits and repercussions for the edification of the other.

there are several online references and samples of contracts. :)
 
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