(Because Hubby works on boats, so I always get into the nautical references...)
When I was a teenager, I read books with love triangles and always found myself wondering why the character had to choose between the love interests. Why couldn't everyone agree to make it work? Throughout my first marriage, I continued wondering about that, though I never explored my thoughts on it. That marriage was stifling at best, and... yeah. Let's just say it wasn't a good situation. My first husband and I split at the end of 2006, after almost 14 years of marriage and two kids.
I joined a "swinger site" (because it had "friend" in the name, and I didn't have any friends... I was honestly so naive I thought that's what it was about, though I caught on pretty fast.) I was able to explore a few things sexually and emotionally. I figured I wouldn't get married again, because I didn't like being tied to only one person.
And then I met Hubby through that site... After over a year of dating exclusively, we moved in together and married about a year after that, in April 2010.
Hubby had a "been there, done that" view on sexual experimentation; he'd already done the things he was interested in. I felt like I was still learning and exploring sexually, and it bugged me that I wasn't able to try things I wanted to try because he wasn't willing to try them with me. After this being an issue for quite a while, last March (2013), Hubby said, "I've decided I'm okay with you finding other guys to try these things with."
We made rules. Pretty strict ones. First and foremost was "No falling in love." If we developed feelings stronger than friendship for anyone, we were supposed to completely sever all contact with that person. So at first, it was purely a "swinger" situation.
And then we met Guy at a G-rated party thrown by members of our area's chat room on that website I mentioned. Something about Guy just grabbed my attention, the same way Hubby had the night I met him. That night, Guy and I made a connection, and because of a conversation they had about me, he and Hubby formed a mutual respect.
It took me about a month to realize my feelings for Guy--and his for me--were breaking the rules Hubby and I had set out. Hubby and I talked, and he assured me it was okay, especially since Guy was only in our area on business and would be leaving within a couple of months. But it scared the heck out of me. I have kids. I couldn't risk my marriage to Hubby. And so for a while, I called a hiatus with Guy. We talked, but didn't see each other, and I minimized the talking.
A month before he was due to leave our area, we saw each other at another party, and I realized I couldn't cut him out of my life. We talked for hours that night and agreed to keep things at a level that wouldn't break the rules, no matter how hard that was. And both of us knew it wouldn't be easy.
Through all this, I was completely open and honest with Hubby, and he was completely accepting of the situation. If it had been anyone other than Guy, I doubt he would have been so okay with it, but they'd formed a friendship, and Hubby trusted and respected Guy. And vice versa.
In September it reached the point where I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I read. I researched. I realized I was polyamorous and had fallen in love with Guy, and I confessed to Hubby. Whose response was, "As far as I can see, you're bringing more love into the world; how could I have a problem with that?"
The next time I talked to Guy, I told him I loved him, and that Hubby knew and was okay with it. And so it began officially. Guy and I had both been denying our feelings, but we no longer had to, at least not to each other or to Hubby.
So since then, Guy and I have been in a long-distance relationship, since he left our area at the end of July. We talk at least 2-3 times a week, and I'm trying to convince him to give Skype a go so we can talk sort of face to face. I was fortunate enough to be able to pay him a visit last week, and seeing each other in person just reinforced that this is how it should be for us. And Hubby told me he's happy that I have Guy.
We're all learning. I have more knowledge about polyamory than either man, but it's mostly reading knowledge, not experience. But the three of us are open to figuring it out, negotiating, and communicating, and that's the biggest part of the battle, I think.
I'm starting this blog because we aren't open with many people in our real lives, and while I'm "out" in a couple of other places online, that's about it. So I need a place to type, think, and process as we navigate this course.
When I was a teenager, I read books with love triangles and always found myself wondering why the character had to choose between the love interests. Why couldn't everyone agree to make it work? Throughout my first marriage, I continued wondering about that, though I never explored my thoughts on it. That marriage was stifling at best, and... yeah. Let's just say it wasn't a good situation. My first husband and I split at the end of 2006, after almost 14 years of marriage and two kids.
I joined a "swinger site" (because it had "friend" in the name, and I didn't have any friends... I was honestly so naive I thought that's what it was about, though I caught on pretty fast.) I was able to explore a few things sexually and emotionally. I figured I wouldn't get married again, because I didn't like being tied to only one person.
And then I met Hubby through that site... After over a year of dating exclusively, we moved in together and married about a year after that, in April 2010.
Hubby had a "been there, done that" view on sexual experimentation; he'd already done the things he was interested in. I felt like I was still learning and exploring sexually, and it bugged me that I wasn't able to try things I wanted to try because he wasn't willing to try them with me. After this being an issue for quite a while, last March (2013), Hubby said, "I've decided I'm okay with you finding other guys to try these things with."
We made rules. Pretty strict ones. First and foremost was "No falling in love." If we developed feelings stronger than friendship for anyone, we were supposed to completely sever all contact with that person. So at first, it was purely a "swinger" situation.
And then we met Guy at a G-rated party thrown by members of our area's chat room on that website I mentioned. Something about Guy just grabbed my attention, the same way Hubby had the night I met him. That night, Guy and I made a connection, and because of a conversation they had about me, he and Hubby formed a mutual respect.
It took me about a month to realize my feelings for Guy--and his for me--were breaking the rules Hubby and I had set out. Hubby and I talked, and he assured me it was okay, especially since Guy was only in our area on business and would be leaving within a couple of months. But it scared the heck out of me. I have kids. I couldn't risk my marriage to Hubby. And so for a while, I called a hiatus with Guy. We talked, but didn't see each other, and I minimized the talking.
A month before he was due to leave our area, we saw each other at another party, and I realized I couldn't cut him out of my life. We talked for hours that night and agreed to keep things at a level that wouldn't break the rules, no matter how hard that was. And both of us knew it wouldn't be easy.
Through all this, I was completely open and honest with Hubby, and he was completely accepting of the situation. If it had been anyone other than Guy, I doubt he would have been so okay with it, but they'd formed a friendship, and Hubby trusted and respected Guy. And vice versa.
In September it reached the point where I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I read. I researched. I realized I was polyamorous and had fallen in love with Guy, and I confessed to Hubby. Whose response was, "As far as I can see, you're bringing more love into the world; how could I have a problem with that?"
The next time I talked to Guy, I told him I loved him, and that Hubby knew and was okay with it. And so it began officially. Guy and I had both been denying our feelings, but we no longer had to, at least not to each other or to Hubby.
So since then, Guy and I have been in a long-distance relationship, since he left our area at the end of July. We talk at least 2-3 times a week, and I'm trying to convince him to give Skype a go so we can talk sort of face to face. I was fortunate enough to be able to pay him a visit last week, and seeing each other in person just reinforced that this is how it should be for us. And Hubby told me he's happy that I have Guy.
We're all learning. I have more knowledge about polyamory than either man, but it's mostly reading knowledge, not experience. But the three of us are open to figuring it out, negotiating, and communicating, and that's the biggest part of the battle, I think.
I'm starting this blog because we aren't open with many people in our real lives, and while I'm "out" in a couple of other places online, that's about it. So I need a place to type, think, and process as we navigate this course.