A question for the mono men

PolyKat

New member
My fiance and I will talk about this in depth and as he processes his thoughts and feelings, but until then, I am curious to see other people's insights and thoughts, etc.

When first being introduced to the possibility of a mono/poly relationship, what was your reaction to the thought of another man being intimate (from glances and hand holding to oral and penetration sex) with your love? At this point, my fiance's stomach turns to knots when he thinks of it, so I'm not yet pressing to get a glimpse inside of his head.. so I wanted to ask you.

I always smiled at the thought of my man loving or loving on another woman, so I can't understand his feelings and he is not yet able to express them fully. I used to think it was simply a masculinity thing, but I think it goes deeper than that and I am so curious to find out then inner workings of a mono mind. Soooo intriguing!

Thanks!
-Kat
 
The whole idea of being mono is that you only want one person to have that intimacy with. Why he isn't comfortable that you are poly is probably because most people who are brought up around all this mono culture, feel that it is even wrong to be with more than one person. But it is something people can overcome.

I know it's a lot more complex than that really, but it gives you a basis. I think it could be an interesting question to ask my partner. =]
 
I was brought up in this mono culture as most of us probably were, so I simply thought we were all poly-minded but living with society's stringent rules. I am just now, at the age of 30, realizing that people don't think the way that I think and that there's actually a word for me (polyamourous). So, with that, I realize that my fiance's issues may be more than a masculinity thing.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

Do I hope that one day my man can move past his hang-ups? Of course. Do I expect it to happen in a day, month, year, ever? No, we'll just let things naturally work themselves out. I'm going to love, cherish, and be with him regardless.
 
There is the underlying message, handed down through the ages, that women are property. I mean, considering that even as late as the 1960s and 1970s most women could not even get a credit card in their own name, is it any wonder that inherent in the idea of marriage and relationships that men are taught to be very possessive toward women they get involved with. They are still taught that their sense of worth comes from working and supporting their loved ones, so no matter how enlightened or open-minded someone is, they have to get past that bullshit.

So, I think one of the ways this expresses itself is in the traditional mono attitude. Much of the disgust a male partner feels at the idea of another man being physically intimate with the woman he loves has to do with it being a violation of something that only he "has a right to" -- in essence, his property and possession. I think it is very strong in our culture for a man to feel that a commitment with a woman means she belongs to him. Of course, lots of women feel the same way about "their men," but this is a huge influence on our ideas of relationships and marriage in general.
 
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I was brought up in this mono culture as most of us probably were, so I simply thought we were all poly-minded but living with society's stringent rules. I am just now, at the age of 30, realizing that people don't think the way that I think and that there's actually a word for me (polyamourous). So, with that, I realize that my fiance's issues may be more than a masculinity thing.

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?

Do I hope that one day my man can move past his hang-ups? Of course. Do I expect it to happen in a day, month, year, ever? No, we'll just let things naturally work themselves out. I'm going to love, cherish, and be with him regardless.
I've had those feelings before myself. Even though mono never made sense to me and have always been poly at heart. I was just brought up around mono culture. My mother is weirded out by the fact my sister is bi, never mind bringing poly up. =P

So my answer would be, I was just brought up to believe what indie says. That women were like property I guess? Though I can't say I ever felt that. I "got past it" by just learning about who -I- was. I'm big on freedom and everyone having it. I never worked with a partner or anything to fix that. It was a literal wake up one day and realised I needed to be myself. Some people go their whole lives not figuring themselves out. There's a lot to learn. I bet I'll be finding things out about myself for a long time too. =]
 
Well, I assume the two of you (and anyone who reads this thread, but has not chosen to reply) have poly friends and know people in mono/poly relationships, so if you could poll the ones you know and answer the following questions, that'd be great!

I also wonder how each man got past their issues, beyond the, "I love her so I learned to [insert life lesson here]." What was the initial disgust about? Where did that feeling come from? Why does the thought of such things hurt? What made it hurt less? What realizations did you have to come to? How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?
 
What, our input has no merit for you? I know you want to hear from "mono men," but... sheesh.

You just posted your questions today (at shortly after 3am in my time zone), and it's still early morning in North America. You will surely get some responses from members who have experience to share, and you are asking for answers that require some thoughtful consideration. Be patient. The day is young.
 
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What, our input has no merit for you? Sheesh.

You just posted your questions today (at shortly after 3am in my time zone), and it's still early morning in North America. You will surely get some responses from members who have experience to share, and you are asking for answers that require some thoughtful consideration. Be patient. The day is young.
I'm sure Kat isn't meaning to sound pushy. ^_^ But yes, it is early yet. Just gone midday over here in England. Most people on the site are American and Canadian, who are 5-8 hours behind or something.
 
My two men are mono, but aren't able to answer you directly. Language boundaries and such. I will translate the discussion that ensued when I asked them your question :)
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Lin: Poly wasn't the matter for me. Phy could have been promiscuous, or could have called it whatever you can think of, it was the same for me. In the beginning, when we discussed the topic (I was still at home, separated from them), I wasn't envious that she could love more than one, I was envious that Sward was able to get what I wanted to have. When we processed to a more practical handling and I got to know Sward better, we met and talked, the envy vanished in that regard and a new issue arose: They knew each other so much longer and every time they talked about 'Ah, do you remember this or that, wasn't it fun?' envy hit home again.

Regarding the sex-matter: Yes, of course it isn't a pleasant feeling at first, but it depends tremendously on the other partner. On which level of friendship you are with him. Do you hate him? Do you envy him? Do you accept him/ still feeling uncomfortable? At that stage it depends on what type of guy you are. If you are like

(Sward skipping in) having no problems with your wife being intimate with another man, in a certain way even like to think about that.

(Lin again): Yeah, right, you are strange *pokes him* Or one proceeds as I did: You accept that there is another one, doing different things with your spouse that she likes, having been together long enough to know everything about her and such; But I am mostly pretending to just have a mono relationship with her. I don't think about Sward, I am satisfied with what I have with her and I normally don't think about her husband at all. It's just OK. I can't say that I still have problems with them being intimate most of the time.

But the most important point for me is: How does my partner behave? The poly person of the relationship just has to get across that she is able to distinguish between the other persons who are in a relationship with her. Phy did that right from the start, tried to explain to us that we are so different, giving her different things, evoking different feelings and such. This assurance isn't necessary all the time, but it has to come across as true and secure, because the real understanding how 'this poly mind' works will never be there for a mono person. It helped me when she pointed out in what parts her husband and I were different, taking note of special personal traits and quirks, expressing that she liked this particularities about me and so on.

You don't have to see the other person as a friend in all cases, but you have to be able to accept him in her life. Comprehending that she loves another person like she loves you *jokingly* like she preaches: one level for all, no one is more important to me, no hierarchy, one level for all .... *serious again* and the most important point: She has to get across that you are something special, giving her something that the other isn't able to give her. That's how it works for me. And talk! Communicate, communicate communicate. Lot's of communication helps. *smiles*

Me to Sward: Anything to add? Initial thoughts?

Sward: Well, my situation has been different. I have been the one who has been in a long relationship with her, I had to share suddenly. It took a lot of trust in regard to her. I had to trust her that the love was strong enough that she wouldn't leave me, that this wasn't a scam, that this was truly what she felt. At first, I lost some of that trust, because it was so new. But when I talked to Lin, I regained that trust, when we build this friendship, it helped to deal with this situation because we got along with each other.

I liked talking about Phy with him, exchanging experiences and ...

(Lin skipping in)Yep, profiting from experience of the person who has been in the relationship longer, knowing all her spleens and quirks *laughs*

Sward: Yeah, right *grins back at him* But talking about problems as well.

In regard to physical intimacy: I am a bit different, I like thinking about stuff that they may do with each other, therefore I don't have that many problems with that side of things. Emotional intimacy was my problem when things got started. What would have problematic for me, would have been to maintain different households. It is important for me to be able to see them, experience them together, share chores, helping each other …

(Lin skipping in) But it would have been problematic if we would have been more like alpha males. This works because we are both like we are, *glancing at me* we have our alpha right there ….

Sward: Well, I even clean your room from time to time when I got the mopping water ready and am at it.
Lin: Right, that's what I mean, we are homemakers.

Sward: And finally: Communication is the key :)
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Aren't I good at taking minutes? :p Well, maybe this helps to satisfy your curiosity.
 
What, our input has no merit for you? I know you want to hear from "mono men," but... sheesh.

:) Your insight is most appreciated, of course! I do fear, however, that this thread will turn into a discussion on culture and our use of possessive words, etc. and my original thought will be lost in the discussion. No offense though. Again, I appreciate you both. All insight is good insight.

And yes, the day is young and I'm running off of a little over a week with next to no sleep (work related) and a furiously curious mind (relationship related). So pardon my posting, checking and reposting within what was probably a few short hours... sleep did actually happen between the posts.. I think.
 
One way to think of it -- every person who posts bumps the thread to the top of the list and increases the chances that your target audience will see it. :)

Omg, Sward and Lin are so adorable!! :D

I may ask my mono bf about this at some point, but I know it's far from his favorite topic so I wanna leave it be for now. I know that for him it helped that I was willing to hold off while he processed the idea, that in the end it came down to saying "as long as it's not negatively affecting out relationship it's ok", and that he wants to know and feel comfortable with any man I might wanna get involved with (or any woman, of course, but it's harder for him with men so I think it would be all the more crucial with another man).
 
Aren't I good at taking minutes? :p Well, maybe this helps to satisfy your curiosity.

Phy.. VERY much impressed!!! And some great insight to work with. My fiance is such an Alpha male, so I'm sure it'll be that much more difficult.

Annabel.. Yes, I think Sward and Lin are adorable as well.. that was a great read! I'm glad your situation worked itself out and I understand the "leave it be for now".
 
I know you're keeping the thread focused on one particular question, but it got me thinking about one I've been mulling over for a while and it seemed to fit.

Why do some mono guys see no threat in their female partner dating another woman as well?

One conclusion I've come to is that men feel no sexual threat from women... like there is no competition, which sort of makes me smirk. But that's being filtered through my lady-like b.s. filter, I'd like to hear from men that really aren't put-off by their girlfriend dating another woman!
 
It would be all the same for my men. Me loving another person, female or male, would restrain the time I would have to offer greatly; none of them wants that to happen at the moment. It's all new for us still, maybe that is the main point in our case, but I don't think that it would make a huge difference if there would be a new woman in my life over a man along the way later on. It would always be a competion for time.

And I think they are right. A new love is a new love, regardless of the gender. In the mono-poly-plus-fidelity-case this means: Don't you dare push it beyond repair and my capacity to process things ^.^
 
Haha, I definitely agree Phy, I was just wondering for the people that have experienced that.

My gf's partner doesn't care if she dates me, but would not let her be poly with other men. I haven't discussed this with him as our friendship is still relatively young as well, but I'm wondering if any experienced men have had these stipulations and why?
 
Atri, the Bi Assumptions thread got around to that topic just yesterday. I'm pretty sure many others have as well.

PolyKat, I'll ask hubby to look at this when he's home from work tonight.
 
Why do some mono guys see no threat in their female partner dating another woman as well?

Well, from what Phy's men were saying, it goes towards the two of them being told and recognizing that they both bring something new to the table. My fiance can't yet look at the poly lifestyle beyond the sex (swinging). Therefore, he and another man are bringing the exact same thing to the table, the sausage Then I think he goes to thinking, what if that guy has a bigger sausage, and so I like him better? Not realizing that bigger is different, not better or worse, just different.

So (honey, if and when you read this, here it is), my fiance is bigger than my ex-husband. My ex was the perfect size to reach some spot in me that would make my entire body quiver and put tears in my eyes. My fiance glides right by that magical spot. My fiance has found a way to add some pillows and positions me in a way that makes my head spin and almost ready to claim that it happened (insider). Another larger man might also glide right past that spot. So, I believe there's nothing to fear.

Does that bring it all back to a simple masculinity issue again? Goodness....

I don't know how he feels about the ability to have actual feelings for another person, while at the same time loving him fully and completely. I think, at this time, his focus is on sex. In that way, if it was a female, he feels turned on and not threatened.. and possibly not realizing that if I did explore that side, it doesn't mean that she would be comfortable inviting him into the bedroom scene, even for viewing pleasure.

So, in a follow up question: What is the real issue? Sex or intimacy? And why would things with a woman be different? It's still someone else that you're sharing your love's affection with.
 
Just a short note:

Lin just said something, that sounded really logical for me when I read your last comment. I could easily understood where he was coming from.

He would feel more threatened by a woman having sex with me, than a man. Why? He regards woman on woman as some kind of playing at home. Women know what women want, better than men ever could. So, reduced to the physical part of the problem, woman are more threatening to him.

Sward is on the same page, btw.
 
Have you looked at any other threads on mono/poly relationships? Its our biggest tag here. Check it out in the search engine under "tags" and do a tag search there for "mono/poly."

How did the two of you communicate and work through things? How long did it take (understanding that each person is different)?
This part is very well addressed in most threads discussed previously here. I like your other questions. They make people think. Mono and I have been over it all five million times, at this point, as indicated in my blog. It's become something we generally don't bother talking about any more. I will tell him about your questions, but really, we just see it as being from two different cultures and trying to understand each other that way.
 
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