Hello,
I'm completely new to this forum, but since it seems to be populated with some thoughtful people, and I am suddenly in way over my head, I thought I'd try for some advice.
So, long story short: My ex-girlfriend, with whom I lived for 3 years - until one year ago - and I have recently reconciled, although we live 800 miles apart. We were planning to move in together Sunday. I am supposed to hit the road today.
So last night she decides to tell me that she is "poly." Now, everything I know about polyamory I learned from Dan Savage. He seems to regard it as being almost as immutable as sexual orientation. In other words, I think he would tell me, this will never change. We are sexually incompatible. But she says she wants to "work on it."
I know she has been in only abusive relationships in the past, and only with incompetent lovers. And she was a cheater. She says she never cheated on me, but sometimes wants to sleep with other people. When I asked her how often this comes up, she said, a few times a year, and it's usually mild and easy to let go of. My response was, "that's funny. I want to fuck about 20 different people a day." But I am definitely monogamous. I have always been clear about that. Maybe people on here think that makes me insecure, or whatever. It's just not a taboo I'm interested in exploring. Anyway, I've been very clear and emphatic about my position.
Now, as I said, she has never cheated on me. But I still feel there has been a great betrayal in not telling me about this. We have talked about these issues a lot, which means she has been actively dishonest. That, and given the timing, makes this a great strain on whatever trust we had.
So, I guess, my questions are: What is the difference between the average monogamous person who foregoes acting on their sexual impulses, and chooses to remain monogamous, and a polyamorous person? Is it a choice? Is it a hard-coded fact of someone's psychological make-up?
She seems to want to own polyamory as an identity, but says she also wants to 'work on it,' meaning learn to get past it. What do i say to this? I said, you have to change your language. If you're polyamorous, you're not monogamous. If you're simply attracted to other people, you're human. Am I missing something?
I don't know if I'm making sense right now. Until a few days ago, our conversations were about marriage and children. I signed an employment contract. I signed a lease. I donated most of my belongings. I don't want to sweep this under the rug. I would love some perspective from someone a little more clearheaded than me right now. Many thanks.
I'm completely new to this forum, but since it seems to be populated with some thoughtful people, and I am suddenly in way over my head, I thought I'd try for some advice.
So, long story short: My ex-girlfriend, with whom I lived for 3 years - until one year ago - and I have recently reconciled, although we live 800 miles apart. We were planning to move in together Sunday. I am supposed to hit the road today.
So last night she decides to tell me that she is "poly." Now, everything I know about polyamory I learned from Dan Savage. He seems to regard it as being almost as immutable as sexual orientation. In other words, I think he would tell me, this will never change. We are sexually incompatible. But she says she wants to "work on it."
I know she has been in only abusive relationships in the past, and only with incompetent lovers. And she was a cheater. She says she never cheated on me, but sometimes wants to sleep with other people. When I asked her how often this comes up, she said, a few times a year, and it's usually mild and easy to let go of. My response was, "that's funny. I want to fuck about 20 different people a day." But I am definitely monogamous. I have always been clear about that. Maybe people on here think that makes me insecure, or whatever. It's just not a taboo I'm interested in exploring. Anyway, I've been very clear and emphatic about my position.
Now, as I said, she has never cheated on me. But I still feel there has been a great betrayal in not telling me about this. We have talked about these issues a lot, which means she has been actively dishonest. That, and given the timing, makes this a great strain on whatever trust we had.
So, I guess, my questions are: What is the difference between the average monogamous person who foregoes acting on their sexual impulses, and chooses to remain monogamous, and a polyamorous person? Is it a choice? Is it a hard-coded fact of someone's psychological make-up?
She seems to want to own polyamory as an identity, but says she also wants to 'work on it,' meaning learn to get past it. What do i say to this? I said, you have to change your language. If you're polyamorous, you're not monogamous. If you're simply attracted to other people, you're human. Am I missing something?
I don't know if I'm making sense right now. Until a few days ago, our conversations were about marriage and children. I signed an employment contract. I signed a lease. I donated most of my belongings. I don't want to sweep this under the rug. I would love some perspective from someone a little more clearheaded than me right now. Many thanks.