Catalyst for change.
Yesterday T and I spent most of the day naked. We'd stop for food, water conversation,and to go shopping for more food and water. No, we didn't go shopping naked, although in the state we were in we probably wouldn't have cared. Hilarity ensues. Last night we talked about how much time to spend on a date, no I'm not kidding. Normal date say with a girlfriend 2-4hrs of dinner talking etc. then T comes home. That's the norm. But with BF? well we have normal dinner conversation time line as mentioned above, but now we have to add in time for sex cuddling and other such loveliness. Can I just shoot myself and be done with it? Sigh, so odd. We ordered the books the Ethical slut and Sex at dawn which both arrived yesterday, and spent time talking about......canna remember, to focused on the sex. Did I mention we had Sex? Oh right yes I did. Well it was awe inspiring sex and worth pointing out. And yet, when we finally went to sleep I felt sad and soul tired. Thinking: After tonight how could she possibly want/need more than this? Edit: I also felt closer to T then I think I ever have in our 20 yrs of marriage.
This morning/afternoon I woke up and broke down weeping again. I'm not sure how to deal with all of this. it is clear that much of what I'm feeling isn't about this life change...it's connected but not about. Does that make sense?
T and I spent an hour or so talking about it,. talking about what is really bothering me about this, but it'd like trying to hold onto quicksilver, I think I know but then lose the thought. We did get to a point, a point that I'm going to share with you folks and ask you a question about. It is right at this point in the idea of Poly that I get bent.
T goes out with friends all the time. I feel no jealousy, no fear. When I think of T having sex with a guy it turns me on, We've agreed she'd tell me all of the naughty details when she's with someone else. My particular kink I guess, but it is what it is. Yet when I think about both situations as one, Friendship + sex....wham! Jealousy, fear of loss, panic, you get the picture.
Today. Well I'm less Yoda like to say the least. I turned a great walk and talk into a dumping session where I let go. Told T I was pissed off she wasn't feeling like I was, that I was pissed off at her being so OK with such a huge change to our lives. You may be surprised by this, but that didn't go over so well. I made her feel bad, and she cried. How awesomely stupid can I actually get here? I'm afraid to ask really.
We talked it through and I realized I was doing or reverting to my old behaviors and apologized. I told her what I really wanted for her, which is love and happiness. For her to go out and have the adventure of a lifetime. An adventure filled with fun, friends and frivolity. (By the way, frivolity is a very cool word, and should be fitted into a conversation at least once a day. OK maybe not, but it's still a cool word.) Sorry, where was I? right. apologizing. I shared with her that I was and am her best friend and life cheerleader, and that at the end of the day I just want her to have the best life possible.
That made her cry too. This stuff is hard. I'm going to leave off talking about anything else with T for a day or so. I think the sheer intensity of the past
8-9 days has been.... tiring for both of us.
On a side note: This is the first and only time I've ever gone online and shared anything other then pleasantries and small talk. I'm pretty uncomfortable with this and not sure I should be posting this here. What do you think? edit: ha!waaaay to late for that conversation.
Anyway, any comments or suggestions on how not to be an asshole will be greatly appreciated.
FT