River's Blog

It's lovely to see you taking "vast" care of yourself, Neegoola! Would that we all could do so with ourselves! The world would be so much the better.

Today I am meditating on the word, sincere.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sincere

The Long Lost Love guy (mentioned above) said something that rang in my ears all of these years, about my being sincere. And he and I talked about that the other day on the phone. It's true. Sincerity has long marked my personality, has been both what I longed for (more of it!) and what has guided me all along.

But the truth is, today, my sincerity feels like unilateral disarmament, and has a sad quality about it, a kind of grief. For ours is not a world that much celebrates and honors
sincerity, perhaps especially in men. People are often put off, offended, by vulnerability and authenticity, it seems. Sometimes I feel as if I cary a deadly virus and I'm sneezing and caughing its scary germs in public places. Sometimes I feel toxic, as if I am exuding acid fumes. Sometimes I feel like an alien species.

Or maybe I'm just grieving for the fear and trembling which causes so many to hide behind masks and fronts, in shielding and armor. Or maybe I'm afraid to unmask and unshield further, as I so want to do. Or maybe I'm afraid I'll be abandoned if I follow my calling to its logical conclusion. It's probably all of the above. But today I know the whole thing is raw, difficult, painful. I see people I love who are anguished because they simply don't know how to open up and tell the truth about themselves, lay it all out there and be loved in it. So that they can come home to themselves, at last.
 
Hey River, I was away at a music fest for a week and didn't see your requests for love, hugs and kisses to help you celebrate your new-found joy in life.

Love Hugs Kisses!!!

As far as being naked (naiked) emotionally goes, this is why I hang out with young people so much. I am about to turn 56 and the people I went to the fest with, a troop of about 12-15, nice coven size, were all ages from 19-37. Younger people are enjoyably naive, energetic, funny and open. Most people my age get stuck in ruts, living on past glories, getting more conservative and rigid as they age.

Fuck that! I'm still alive and vibrant and sexy (some would say "spry" :p ), and I'm not living in the past, stuck in remembering the good ol' days when I was in my 20s in the 1970s. This life is meant to be lived, drinking in every drop, making allowances for sore joints and muscles, taking care of my physical body as much as I can so I can just keep playing and learning and connnecting deeply with people and nature.

The beauty of it is, I have the wisdom of my accumulated years as wife and mother and counselor to add to the playfulness I share with "the kids."
 
The beauty of it is, I have the wisdom of my accumulated years as wife and mother and counselor to add to the playfulness I share with "the kids."

How fortunate for you and they!

Thanks so much for the Love Hugs Kisses, Magdlyn.

Speaking of getting a little older ... I'm 45, and am thinking of going to massage school to begin a new career (part time) in that field. But my fingers are crossed on that, since I may or may not have a benefactor to pay for my schooling. Without that, I may not be able to do it.

I lost a bunch of years of potential career development to Emotional Basketcase Syndrom. Sigh.

My other hat is writer/publisher. And my other hat is artist/craftsman.
 
The beauty of it is, I have the wisdom of my accumulated years as wife and mother and counselor to add to the playfulness I share with "the kids."
that's it!!! :):)
nice to meet you, mag :)
It's lovely to see you taking "vast" care of yourself, Neegoola! Would that we all could do so with ourselves! The world would be so much the better.

Today I am meditating on the word, sincere.
darlin', i say that Now i'm taking care of my self vastly in comparison to troubles and wounds i provocated since 2 years ago to me and some other ego minds and bodies around me. ...
i discovered that it is not impossible saying "no" sometimes to my Inner Servant (Unihipili?) and letting Her see that something nice and interesting and clever and lovely is going to happen with that shift.
sometimes..kind of work, dear :(

i share everything you wrote about sincerity; well.. there is something bit.. sad i could add from my experience in being TOO sincere, but for the moment i feel simply to report what Yi (I Ching) often reminds me: flow like water does, filling up every corner while running in her path, in the opportune way.
i swear i'm doing my very best for it, but it's for me one of the most difficult control i have to have.
you remember that tell? "the emperor is naked!!" here we are...but i'm not a child..

simply yours (of every reader, of course :cool:) :)
 
nice to meet you, mag :)

Thanks, but I don't think we've been formally introduced. Would you mind starting a thread in the Intros forum, stating your gender, experience with being poly, and a few other biographical details? Thanks!

darlin'...

Is River your lover??
 
"Darlin'"


Is River your lover??

Nope. But I do appreciate being called "darlin'" by any kind person who wants to call me "darlin'".

I call lots of people "darlin'". Some are acquaintances; some are friends; some
are lovers. I mean it differently with the lovers (or I'm romantically interested, anyway--as with "M" of Minnesota), of course!:p
 
Thanks, but I don't think we've been formally introduced. Would you mind starting a thread in the Intros forum, stating your gender, experience with being poly, and a few other biographical details? Thanks!



Is River your lover??

ooohhh, dear! there's not yet my introduction, you are right; i know that sooner or later i'll fill up a little space in Introduction and maybe mumble about how to enrich my profile so to harmonize my being here with you all.
..it's just that...i really want to Feel the Moment for doing all this..

in few hours i'm leaving with my two kids for a nice adventure holyday :) i'll reach you again here very soon, promised!

hugs to every soul hidden behind little fingers pushing little buttons all over Ether.
and merry Lug!
 
No, I'm not going to go into the circumstances that didn't allow "M" and I to communicate by phone until today. It is practically irrelevant. Instead, I will say that her voice, the sound of her, conspires together with her words..., and I love her so! How could I not?

And now for some cat and owl.:

http://www.wimp.com/catowl/

If anyone wants to share the Spanish words (It is Spanish, isn't it?), in English translation, that'd be fine.

Hugs all around!
 
I have a sort of date with my faraway Sweetie tonight -- a phone date. Her voice is such a delight to me, after all of this text spilled between us, and such a happy surprise that it is such a wonderful, lovely voice. She said the same about my voice. Yay!

"M" has been intensively grieving the end of her marriage following her very recent divorce and separation, and I recently decided it would be best for me not to travel twelve hundred miles to be with her anytime soon. I want to comfort and love her as a friend, but that's all slippery slope territory for me, and I told her so. I'd want to kiss her, to hold her, to sleep beside her in bed. And this is too close to "romance," and it isn't yet time for her (and therefore also myself) to flirt with romance. It's too soon after the divorce. So we're looking at maybe a wintertime visit, perhaps. But a long visit in spring, by which time I suspect the grieving process will be complete enough and kisses and snuggles won't be premature.

In the mean time, we can continue to be very close friends, and "date" in a manner of speaking..., at a distance.

It was so nice to tell her with my voice that I love her, and to hear her very own voice say "I love you, too".

Patience is....
 
Wow! I so enjoyed my "date" with "M" this evening! We talked for a couple of hours, I think. It is a complete joy to spend time with her! I love her so very much! Well, I love her completely, utterly, without limit. And I feel that she loves me, too. Which is so amazing and wonderful! We could talk for hours and hours more, yet still I long to rub her feet and canoe with her and look into her eyes ... and ... and....

I'm so happy!
 
Now, of course, it seems to me that it's a little silly for "M" and I to play make believe that we're casual friends and that there isn't something "romantic" going on between us. This I am not doing nor encouraging. "Romance" naturally arises between us along with the spontaneous joy and happiness we share in the fact of each other's existence, of the other's presence in our lives, of us together. So I'm not going to pretend that I'm not in some sense "dating" "M". It delights me to think of it that way. I think we're both looking forward to a time in the future when the grieving is complete enough and a new
spirit of readiness emerges. That's just part of the mix between us; and it's okay.

Last night we talked about what an amazing twenty first century relationship we have, how we've grown so very intimate, loving and close through cyber text, and now telephone, yet we've never been within arms length of one another. I feel that we have "bonded". And yet we have in some sense never even "met" -- in a twentieth or nineteenth century way. And while the fact that we physically cannot touch or kiss at such a distance is troubling, it also feels strangely right (and good), for now, that we cannot.
 
Another "phone date". More than two hours on the phone last night! Lovely, wonderful, as always. We never tire of talking with one another, that's for damn sure.

Happy, happy.
 
Lovely to see you so in love.
 
Love swallows my words, my ideas....

Love, gently, tenderly consumes.

Love is beyond all imaginings, an opening into the unknown,

to which there can only be "allowing," "amazement," "wonder," "surrender"....

only without these thoughts, without these words.

To love is to live; to live is to love. To come alive.

There is no "love," but only love ... "beyond," and "moreso".

Love is stars, is Earth, is embodyment -- all in quotes.

Love is bigger than love, is more than itself, myself, ourselves....

Love is the truth. All in quotes. Unthinkable. Bigger, more....

I want to just shut up about it.
 
Another telephone mediated get-together with Faraway Sweetie last night. As before, we seem to have talked for a couple of hours.

She is now without any doubt the closest female friend I've ever had, and ranks up there in sharing topmost position with any friend or love, past or present. This may seem crazy to some, given that we've not been together f2f. Some small part of me wonders if we (for it isn't just me!) indeed are crazy--crazy squared. [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vS8GKcl9KQ ] Surely any rational person would wait until there's been lots of f2f before declaring love. Oh well, there's no putting the cat back in the bag, the horses back in the barn, or reversing the haircut once cut.

On the phone she expressed wonder at being the "Faraway Sweetie" she reads about in here. (One of these days she might comment on this blog.) I'm also living in wonderment. As I told her, I'm just not used to the sorts of expressions of appreciation she constantly hands me. We're both wondering "Could this be me he/she is talking about?" Well, we each are, in fact, that person. We each have those qualities so much appreciated. But we're the shadowy parts, too, and so much else. She sometimes has me confused with some angelic being. (I'm going to disabuse you of this, Darling! I am more like the child of a Devil and an Angel. My wings are tattered and worn, with featherless patches.)

But it is clear that she does love me, even in this tattered condition, and that I love her in hers. (Well, her tatters are so cute!)

We have a remarkable friendship. People will sometimes talk as if there is friendship and then "something more," but this language doesn't work for me. I'd be no less fully in love with her if our relationship never became fully sexual/romantic. And if it does, which it likely will (and I want it to, eventually), we'll be the closest of new friends moving into and exploring this together.

"river song" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKZBDeamZPU
 
Last edited:
I just received an email from a forum participant who has forgotten her login info here and was perhaps too blissed out to post in the forum anyway. She gave me words of encouragement, saying that she'd gone a stage further--in f2f land--down the same trail as the one I and Faraway Sweetie (FS) are on, and it turned out much, much better than anyone could have expected, despite the usual warnings about virtual/telephone LDRs.

At least I know I'll be happy regardless of how it turns out with FS, but I think we're going to be
(no, already are!) another success story. She rocks my world, whatever becomes of it.
 
I'm back ! :)

Yes, I'll add my thoughts of LDRs here for the moment and then maybe in another thread. I've been in a LDR for 3 months now, Internet based (3 hours of online talk per day)...and with phone calls every few days. We've both had people around us saying "oh, but you've not met face to face...how do you know?"

Well, there's something very reassuring about trusting your own feelings

We are also talking about extremes in terms of LDRs - Europe and Australia !! Factor in time differences...language differences..there's a whole lot of complexity here. But, actually the feelings are very, very simple - Love, support, encouragement, joy, happiness...I could go on forever :)

So we did meet face to face..We both jumped on a plane to Asia. Yeap - Deep End..Somewhere neither of us had been, somewhere with no-one we knew...nowhere to hide, no back up plans.
And, I knew it would be good, I also have a very good imagination but as it turns out...my imagination was not strong enough to imagine just how good it would be...Yay, yay, yay..

On my final day...Well, we decided to extend my stay. I couldn't change my ticket home though..
So, obviously...Just had to buy a new one !

Go River - Trust my friend, I know you do...
 
Thanks, Bella!

Just arriving home after a very, very challenging time at "the Gathering". Not in a mood to tell the story right now, and may not share it here at all.

Love you all. I know you missed me, as I missed you. Blessings all around! Hugs and kisses.
 
I'm so happy I can openly and fearlessly "check out" men and women when out walking, or in the grocery store or restaraunt... with my guy (man, boyfriend, partner...). It was cute moments ago when we were grocery shopping together and I turned to connect the face with the rear end of the woman that caught my eye. He looked at me and smiled broadly and laughed lightly. He thinks its a little funny that his boyfriend is now checking out women about as often as he checks out the guys.

We had a great lovemaking session today, after several days apart. Instead of the Hollywood cigarette following the fireworks we just held each other and gazed smilingly into one another's eyes, like new lovers, only fifteen+ years in.

Ahhhh. Life is so good.
 
Back
Top