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  #191  
Old 05-13-2015, 03:00 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
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I talked to Brick the other night about the situation with S2. He said the same thing as Guy, that if S2 wasn't willing to deal with the issues or to accept what I had to say, he didn't deserve me.

Fortunately, everything went well with S2.

I brought the letter with me as planned, and explained to him that I was really worried about having him read it because I didn't know how he would react, but that I needed to express something to get it out of my head, and I was feeling a little unhappy with a couple of things in our relationship and wanted to bring them up so we could work them out. He asked if I wanted him to read it while I was there or if that would be too difficult for me, and I asked him to read it.

He read it twice, and then set it down and said, "I just wanted to make sure that got into my brain so I won't forget any of it."

We had a great talk. He acknowledged and validated what I'm feeling, and clarified a couple of things from his perspective that he hadn't expressed clearly before. He told me that one of the reasons for his holding back sexually was that he didn't want me to think he was only interested in sex... I pointed out that he takes me on drives all over the place, cooks for me at least once a week, and is going full out with music composing, recording, and band formation solely to indulge *my* dream, so there is no possible way I would think he was only seeing me for sex!

For the first time, I was actually comfortable talking to him openly about sex. I've tried to be open before, but was never *comfortable* with it.

And then we had the best sex we've had since the first time...

He also said something about relationships being way outside his comfort zone, that when he joined AFF, he had no intention of having anything more than a fuck-buddy or maybe a friend-with-benefits. I said, "Thank you for rolling with the way things have gone, because a lot of people would have said, 'Relationship? Hell no! Goodbye!'"

He said, "If it had been anyone but you, that's exactly what I would have said."
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 45, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Brick: male, 44, honorary "brother"
Guy: male, 44, former boyfriend, now reality checker
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  #192  
Old 05-21-2015, 02:32 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 640
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Apparently the good, positive shit from that letter was just that... shit. And temporary. I saw S2 over the weekend, and it was yet another round of "Oh, no, I need my space, you can't come here those days, you can't be in my apartment when I'm not around, I need my space, auuguhhhh!"

Uh huh. If he mentions needing his fucking space one more time, I'm giving him all the space he could desire. As in, buh-bye, fuck you.

I respect that he needs more space than most people. But I feel like *he* is disrespecting *me* by saying so every single time he sees me. I give him the space he's asked for. I've asked him over and over if he's okay with the amount of time we do see each other, and he always says he is. But then he turns around and finds it necessary to constantly remind me that he needs space as though I'm not giving him what he's said he wants.

I don't think he knows what he wants, but I'm pretty damn sure by this point that I'm not it.

I talked to Guy about all this a few days ago. Now that Guy and I've had some time off from each other, we've formed a solid friendship out of the ashes of the relationship that probably should have just been a friendship in the first place...and he understands me well enough that he's completely willing to help me navigate my marriage and my relationship with S2.

Guy told me to take what S2 says at face value. In other words, if S2 says I'm giving him enough space, believe it. If S2 says he cares about me, believe it. If he says he's happy with the relationship, believe it.

Sorry... actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. If S2 says I'm giving him enough space but feels the need to tell me all the time how much space he needs, there's a serious contradiction there, and that means either the words or the behavior is dishonest.

I don't deal with dishonesty.

At one time, I trusted S2 as completely as I'm capable of trusting anyone. When he told me he wasn't going anywhere, I believed him.

I don't anymore. He wasn't honest with me about his feelings for me, and to me, that means anything and everything he says has the potential to be a lie. And when I'm faced with that potential with anyone, I default to believing they're being dishonest until they show otherwise.

With nearly every interaction, he proves that he's not capable of being honest, because there's too much discrepancy between what he says and how he acts. And Guy is full of shit if he thinks the *words* are honest and the *actions* aren't... Anyone can say anything. I could say I'm a 6-foot, 120-pound supermodel, but that doesn't make it true.

S2 can say he's happy with our relationship, doesn't want to lose me, wants to make this work, wants me to be happy, has enough space, etc., etc.....but that doesn't make any of it true. And I really don't think any of it is.

I don't think he's deliberately lying to me. I think he doesn't know where the fuck he is in his life or what the hell he wants, and so he's saying whatever sounds good at the time.

But I'm not respecting myself by letting him yank me around. And at this point, I don't know what if any benefits I'm gaining by keeping this going. The music? Sure, I won't be able to compose my songs or play them without him, because I can only do bass guitar and vocals and need him for the lead and rhythm guitar. But who the hell cares? I didn't do anything musical for decades. I don't have to do it now. Plus if I quit, I can sell off the shit I've bought and get a few hundred bucks that I could really use.

Hiking? I don't enjoy hiking. I enjoy hiking *with S2*, but the general activity isn't all that. I'm only doing it because he suggested it; it wasn't something I was all gung-ho about.

Somewhere to go that isn't home? Yeah. That's a good thing to have. I need a break sometimes from Alt, Country, Hubby, and all the stress and bullshit of apparently being the only responsible person in my household. But I can get away by just going for a drive or something.

Earlier on, S2 made me feel important and special. He made me feel like I was worth something. Like I mattered.

Now whenever I think about him or this so-called relationship, I feel like shit, because all the stuff I felt before was built on the bullshit lie that he loved me.

Keep in mind, those who read this... I know I go back and forth on this. I know my depression and anxiety play a role. I know all the things that people are likely to point out.

But I also know that I didn't start this blog so I could be reasonable and logical. I started it so that when I'm hurting or confused, I could randomly spew shit, even if I'm repeating or contradicting myself. And that's what I'm doing right now, because I've been going back and forth on this whole fucked-up thing with S2 for months, and I still am no closer to making a decision than when I started. Every time I come to the conclusion that I need to end it for my own dignity, he does something like his reaction to the letter last week, or like remembering that i'd asked if we could go for a walk on his lunch break yesterday and texting me to confirm it when I'd thought he forgot.

But at the end of the day, I seriously suck at interpersonal relationships of any kind, be it family, friendship, or love. And I'm exhausted from trying to understand what the fuck is going on with him while dealing with the fact that I haven't trusted or really wanted to be with Hubby since the bullshit he pulled after suggesting we open our marriage.

Right now--meaning at 10:28 a.m. Eastern time on May 22, when I'm typing this--I don't want to be with either of them. I want to be alone not dealing with anyone else, because that's the only time I feel even remotely competent as a human being. And it's the only time I feel like I have any self-respect or any respect from anyone else.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 45, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Brick: male, 44, honorary "brother"
Guy: male, 44, former boyfriend, now reality checker
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  #193  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:09 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 640
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It was May 21, not May 22, when I wrote the last entry. *Today* is May 22. Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey...

I had counseling yesterday after I wrote the last entry and brought it up to my counselor. She asked if I thought S2's behavior had anything to do with me, and I said I was pretty sure it didn't. It's about him. His fears, his issues, etc.

She asked why I was upset about it in that case. I told her that just because I *understand* someone's behavior doesn't mean I have to *accept* it if it's hurtful to me. I *understand* why Country sometimes yells at me at the top of her lungs, but that's still inappropriate behavior, and I still don't let her get away with it.

With some of the things I said to my counselor yesterday, I think she got more out of the session than I did.

But one thing I did get out of it was the words and concepts I needed to talk to S2 again. Some of the things I'd been trying to deal with in reference to the relationship had not been addressed by him at all, even when I'd brought them up before. I walked into his place last night ready to end things, but still wanting to give him another chance.

It wasn't easy to *start* the discussion. I'd figured out what to say, but not how to open up the topic. But we got there, mainly by me saying that as much as he thinks he sucks at relationships, I suck at them too, and I have a lot of trouble separating what I perceive and feel from what the other person might mean, because I don't know how to sort out what they mean if they won't tell me.

I told him that I'm realizing that sometimes, his reactions that are hurtful to me aren't about me, but that doesn't make them less hurtful. I reiterated that sometimes, since he said there's an "imbalance" in how we feel about each other, that I think my feelings for him are a burden to him, and that I feel like the pesky little girl following her crush around, and he's too nice to tell her to go away.

And then I said, "Do *you* see me that way? Do you feel like I'm a burden or a pest or whatever?"

At first, he was silent and then said something about not really being good at analyzing his feelings. I told him I wasn't looking for an analysis, I was looking for a yes or no. For either reassurance that he doesn't think I'm a burden or a pest, or for acknowledgment that he *does* think that. And I told him I'm afraid about trying to maintain this and of getting hurt, and that makes it hard for me to keep going sometimes. I also told him that I'm not putting it all on him; I know damn well which of my issues feed all this shit.

He said I'm not the only one who's afraid, and that he doesn't see me as anything negative at all. That he enjoys having me around, and I'm valuable in his life. And that he's sorry I've been struggling with this. He said he doesn't ever want to hurt me.

So back to sticking this out. I don't mean that in a bad way. I mean it as in, if things are good, I want to try to keep them that way, and I just hope they stay that way.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 45, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Brick: male, 44, honorary "brother"
Guy: male, 44, former boyfriend, now reality checker
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  #194  
Old 05-23-2015, 03:38 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Love the Dr Who reference.
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Prof: 50s male.
Kip: 50s male.
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