How do you manage your triggers?

Invi

New member
I'm a mono female in a relationship with a non-mono male (open relationship, he dates around).
I have issues with jealousy (insecurity, fear, occasionally anger, sadness) and envy that I am working on.
This is a hard time in my life to be going through this, I think (new baby, no nearby friends or family for support, no longer working because of baby, he works full-time), but I did nothing to get myself out of this situation. I considered it, we discussed it, and I stayed.
I love my partner more than anything and would like to be with him for as long as humanly possible. I am willing to do the work to do so, even though some days it is overwhelming and I just want to quit. It can be depressing, but I know if I go to a dark place in my head that something is wrong, and I need to fix it. I have a pretty negative world view. I am working on this as well.
We've been seeing each other for about 2.5 years. Non-monogamy has been relevant for a year and a few months. I really only started working on trying to be okay with it, as opposed to ignoring it, at the beginning of this year.

I'm getting a little off-topic, but I guess that is some background for you.

A while back (perhaps a months ago?) we had a bit of a disagreement that we have resolved, but during that time he had a flurry of communication with women he was interested in, constant texting and messaging on the computer, all day for about 2 days. It made me very upset, very jealous, and overall very unhappy.
It did subside after a couple of days.
Before that, his texting and messaging other women already made me uncomfortable, but since then, the sound of him opening and closing his phone, or typing for more than a few seconds at a time (signifying he is typing a message, or a comment on something... my mind always goes to messaging a girl, obviously, or it wouldn't be a problem), I get this surge of unpleasantness. Jealousy. Annoyance. Sadness or anger, sometimes.
It doesn't happen every time, but often enough that it really bothers me.
The trigger bothers me. The fact that I am reacting in such a way bothers me.
Lately he has been just leaving his phone open more often, so there is no tell-tale click half the time, and it doesn't bother me so much. I don't know if he does this because I've told him the sound triggers these feelings, or for his own convenience, but either way, it has helped.

Now obviously, I can not ask him not to text or message the women he is interested in. I can't ask him not to open his phone, or type messages on the computer. Can not. Would not. That is ridiculous, and impractical.

I realize this is a rather silly issue to have. It's not like he's bringing girls home and having sex with them in front of me. He only goes out with someone once or twice a week, He's just answering messages. Sometimes more frequently than I am comfortable with, or during certain times I would rather he not, but still.. they're just messages.
I am trying to get to the root of my insecurities, but this is taking time.

Does anyone else have silly little actions that trigger such an unpleasant reaction?
How do you deal with them? How have you gotten over them in the past?
 
I had issues with the phone, very similar to what you describe. I did ask that meal times, bed times and our date times are 'just for us'. So, no answering messages, no phones on. That has made a huge difference and I found that I am not triggered even half as often by the sounds and interruptions now that theres a guaranteed time they don't occur.
 
I prefer dismantling triggers, when I can. Hypnosis is an incredible tool for that. Not the stage hypnosis you're prone to see in your town. Real, therapeutic, one-on-one hypnosis, with an experienced, well-trained person.

Personally, I've enjoyed lots of hypnosis on CDs, and now, much is available for download, right into your device of choice.

I also work with some folks who eliminate beliefs that are not serving. I was damn near hysterical recently, when my boss left, and i had to do his job (as well as mine). I had one session, and haven't had a moment's anxiety since. I didn't realize that I HAD anxiety before that. But after it was gone, I realized it was missing. I feel SO much better.
 
Phones in general can be a sore spot, when overdone. Skye I'm sure is nodding emphatically, especially given that I use mine almost exclusively, in place of a computer. Work, personal stuff, this post, etc. So, one thing that may be worth asking yourself before taking action is if the primary issue is the amount of messaging, or the messaging itself. If the former, then perhaps working on that first and seeing where the other ends up is the better option. In our home, I do try to limit it on my own, with varying degrees of success. Sometimes, I need the reminder from Skye.
 
Ugh, consider this... you are new parents. You have a lot of hormonal surges and a new little human being to bond with and take care of. Many poly people take a break from engaging in other relationships when there is a new baby in their lives.

Instead of placing blame on yourself and thinking you are not handling your "triggers" well enough, consider the possibility that your irritation rises up because this simply is not the right time for him to be focused on having liaisons with other women. You and your baby need him!

You cannot be left (abandoned?) to parent alone if you have a partner. Is he stepping up and doing what he needs to do to share in responsibilities at home? If so, then, okay, maybe have one day a week for a date with someone else, BUT if pursuing other women is an escape from the scary responsibilities of being a new dad and he's leaving you high and dry to do it all by yourself, then he is being a total cad and you should not tolerate that!

You two need to get down to the nitty-gritty in your communication and come together as two new caregivers of a child.
 
How old is baby? Have you been checked for post partum depression? Is he pulling his share of the new baby work load? Because if he isn't?

Then no wonder you feel annoyed/angry/jealous. Because you are in an isolated space, in a demanding role with not enough support from your partner. He may very well be your only adult contact right now. You are awash in kiddieland. (Nursing a newborn is every hour on the hour at the start! Sleep is precious! You are not going to feel right as a nursing mom til it hits the every 4 hr blocks and you can snatch longer sleep and you feel less irritable.)

Meanwhile he is getting to be at work interacting with Adults, time off to date for pleasure, and not being full present to parent duties when at home? Luxuries YOU do not get right now.

So did you make this baby alone or what?

If this is the place you guys are at? You need to man up a bit about knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits for this baby time.

He needs to man up a bit about doing more in this baby time.

And yah, perhaps that means chill or even Close to any new relationships until the babe is older and the demands on your Time less heavy.

There is a REASON we are Closed through parenting time over here. I know some people do not Close, but we did. It's just maddening to meet kiddie demands and have to juggle our own couple things AND be dealing in other people wants, needs, and limits. Something has to give, and it's a lot easier to Close and let of that for a while. Some things CANNOT be let go of -- like the baby care and self care.

Make sure you each are tending your mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. As well as help to tend each other's buckets. Parenting is a team effort. Please take better care of yourselves/each other in this baby time. Baby needs you well in ALL your health buckets.

GG
 
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Thank you all for responding.

I had issues with the phone, very similar to what you describe. I did ask that meal times, bed times and our date times are 'just for us'. So, no answering messages, no phones on. That has made a huge difference and I found that I am not triggered even half as often by the sounds and interruptions now that theres a guaranteed time they don't occur.

I'm glad I'm not the only one.

I had a bit of a breakdown tonight, which really was unexpected because I had just been talking to an online friend about how well I've been handling things lately, and the progress I have made.
I guess I was thinking a few too many negative thoughts at once, was dealing with too much stress, and then the texting started up and I just had to leave the room.

This led to him asking me what was wrong, repeatedly, until I could squeak out every little thing I could think of that was bothering me, including the texting. I made sure to remind him how it bothers me when we are talking, watching a movie, or when he has said he wants to spend time with me. Apparently we have different ideas of what constitutes "quality time" and we are going to work on finding a middle ground there.

I prefer dismantling triggers, when I can. Hypnosis is an incredible tool for that. Not the stage hypnosis you're prone to see in your town. Real, therapeutic, one-on-one hypnosis, with an experienced, well-trained person.

Personally, I've enjoyed lots of hypnosis on CDs, and now, much is available for download, right into your device of choice.

I also work with some folks who eliminate beliefs that are not serving. I was damn near hysterical recently, when my boss left, and i had to do his job (as well as mine). I had one session, and haven't had a moment's anxiety since. I didn't realize that I HAD anxiety before that. But after it was gone, I realized it was missing. I feel SO much better.

I'm hoping at some point to see a counselor/therapist of some sort, but as it is, I don't think our insurance covers it, and we certainly can not afford it out of pocket. Maybe I'll look online for some of those hypnosis CDs. I don't know how effective that would be with me, though. It is my understanding that you have to believe in hypnosis for it to work, and well, I've always been a skeptic.
(I say this a week after trying EFT, though, and while I am not sure that works either, at least it was distracting? heh.)

Phones in general can be a sore spot, when overdone. Skye I'm sure is nodding emphatically, especially given that I use mine almost exclusively, in place of a computer. Work, personal stuff, this post, etc. So, one thing that may be worth asking yourself before taking action is if the primary issue is the amount of messaging, or the messaging itself. If the former, then perhaps working on that first and seeing where the other ends up is the better option. In our home, I do try to limit it on my own, with varying degrees of success. Sometimes, I need the reminder from Skye.

This reminds me of something from the discussion we had earlier.
He used to have a smart phone. He could do all his texting and web browsing on there, and often chose it over his slow, desktop computer. He recently had to turn off his smart phone and go back to using an old flip phone to reduce his bill so that we could get by more easily.
He used to use his phone to check his OKCupid or whatever site messages, so I never knew the difference of when he was texting or posting on forums or responding to emails or.. anything. And I think that helped. A lot. He pointed this out to me earlier, and now it makes more sense to me. He also was able to do these things on his phone when he was out of the house, so he spent a bit less time doing them at home than he does now.
Obviously, this doesn't make me not upset when he is multitasking, as he put it, at home when I would rather he be fully present.
Again, I'm hoping we can reach a more comfortable middle ground, because he didn't seem to realize exactly how much this was upsetting me, even though I had mentioned some of it being bothersome in the past.

I know the messaging itself bothers me. I really wish we had opened this in a better way. The way it was brought up and gone about was rough and unpleasant, and that is one reason it took so long for me to really start working on my issues with it. I guess I'm still not fully okay with it. I am in theory, but in practice.. ugh.
The frequency just exacerbates it, I guess.
Either way, I continuously tell myself they are just talking, just like he would to any friend back where he came from.
Same thing with sex. It's just sex. It's not like he hasn't had sex with other people before. Why should it matter if it's past or present?
Getting slightly off topic there, I guess.

Ugh, consider this... you are new parents. You have a lot of hormonal surges and a new little human being to bond with and take care of. Many poly people take a break from engaging in other relationships when there is a new baby in their lives.

Instead of placing blame on yourself and thinking you are not handling your "triggers" well enough, consider the possibility that your irritation rises up because this simply is not the right time for him to be focused on having liaisons with other women. You and your baby need him!

You cannot be left (abandoned?) to parent alone if you have a partner. Is he stepping up and doing what he needs to do to share in responsibilities at home? If so, then, okay, maybe have one day a week for a date with someone else, BUT if pursuing other women is an escape from the scary responsibilities of being a new dad and he's leaving you high and dry to do it all by yourself, then he is being a total cad and you should not tolerate that!

You two need to get down to the nitty-gritty in your communication and come together as two new caregivers of a child.

He does what I ask of him when he is home, assuming he is not dead on his feet. He has some health issues that cause fatigue, so he is not always able to help when I would like him to, aside from just holding our son.
He knows (I restated this to him today), that I would find it helpful if he would offer to take the baby more often, instead of waiting for me to ask him to so I can cook dinner, do laundry, etc, or playing with the baby while I am holding him. There for a while, no matter what mood he was in, the baby would scream whenever I handed him to him, so I think there may be some residual fear there that whenever he takes the baby, he's going to end up holding a wailing little boy.
He understands that I am home with our son almost every waking moment, that I have no other help with him, and that this can be rather hard on me.
I don't think he goes out as an escape. I fully believe it is for other reasons. If it were because of stress at all, it'd be because of his job, and finances, not baby responsibilities. He goes out for fun, for experiences, not escape.

I do not think he would be open to the idea of closing, currently.
 
How old is baby? Have you been checked for post partum depression? Is he pulling his share of the new baby work load? Because if he isn't?

Then no wonder you feel annoyed/angry/jealous. Because you are in an isolated space, in a demanding role with not enough support from your partner. He may very well be your only adult contact right now. You are awash in kiddieland. (Nursing a newborn is every hour on the hour at the start! Sleep is precious! You are not going to feel right as a nursing mom til it hits the every 4 hr blocks and you can snatch longer sleep and you feel less irritable.)

Meanwhile he is getting to be at work interacting with Adults, time off to date for pleasure, and not being full present to parent duties when at home? Luxuries YOU do not get right now.

So did you make this baby alone or what?

If this is the place you guys are at? You need to man up a bit about knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits for this baby time.

He needs to man up a bit about doing more in this baby time.

And yah, perhaps that means chill or even Close to any new relationships until the babe is older and the demands on your Time less heavy.

There is a REASON we are Closed through parenting time over here. I know some people do not Close, but we did. It's just maddening to meet kiddie demands and have to juggle our own couple things AND be dealing in other people wants, needs, and limits. Something has to give, and it's a lot easier to Close and let of that for a while. Some things CANNOT be let go of -- like the baby care and self care.

Make sure you each are tending your mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. As well as help to tend each other's buckets. Parenting is a team effort. Please take better care of yourselves/each other in this baby time. Baby needs you well in ALL your health buckets.

GG

First, I would like to say that I am especially glad to see your reply; I really enjoy reading your posts on here. You seem to think in a way that I wish I could emulate. Everything always seems so clear.

Our son is right at 19 weeks. I have not been checked for PPD since he was about 6 weeks old, though my mother suspects it. Somehow me talking to a friend back where I came from about our relationship got back to one of my brothers who told my mother, so since then I have been able to somewhat talk to her about these things. She dislikes the entire situation, but suspects that I may have a touch of the baby blues helping with my stresses.

Aside from baby well-checks, and my own occasional doctor's appointment, he is pretty much the only adult I interact with.

He does help, like I said above, but usually just when asked. That doesn't bother me most of the time. I'm content to hold the baby most of the time. He's an "easy baby." Doesn't cry too often, sleeps well, eats well, and is occasionally happy to play by himself on a blanket on the floor while I make a sandwich or something.
Sometimes, I just want him to offer to take him before I ask.
He does help with more than just the baby sometimes, which is definitely appreciated, though to be honest, I usually prefer that he take the baby so I can have my body back for a bit.

He tends to only go out once a week, rarely twice. This is something we renegotiated to recently, up from once a week, which he thought was unrealistic. He would not be interested in limiting himself to less, from what I can tell, and I don't think closing would be an option.
He wants several children, so we'd be talking about closing for several years.
On top of that, he has health issues that concern him. He very much wants to pack as much as he can into what he sees to be, overall, a very short life.

I'm trying to de-stress in any way I can, trying to think positive, stay healthy, etc.
Sometimes, it's just hard. I guess I've always been a pessimist, and that doesn't help.



I feel I may have been rambling at points during this post, and if that is the case, I apologize. If I missed something, just let me know. It's just past six in the morning, and I have yet to go to bed.
 
Invi, I felt a sense of warmth reading your original posting because it is a fascinating topic for me as well--triggers, what they're about, and how to work through and with them.

With my partners, my own triggers (as well as theirs) have formed some of the most tender, deep, complex moments we've had. I've learned about myself that something "is a trigger" in inverse proportion to my feeling I can talk about it. That is, the less I feel I can talk about the issue, the trigger is sharper and more problematic. To put it another way, when I sense a trigger, it points me to precisely the issues that need to be aired and resolved.

I'm coming from the same place as GalaGrrl and Indie, though perhaps a little more so. I'd say that at this juncture in your lives you and your mate have only one polyrelationship--i.e., relationship outside your dyad partnership--to consider right now. That is your relationship with that small human being you created. That is brand new, in its early and crucial stages. It must be laid down with all the attention, care, and tenderness two people can raise.

You say that your partner isn't, or wouldn't be, interested in closing to other relationships at present, which to me says he wants to reserve the power to neglect the primary other-than-mate relationship (with the baby).

So what is he really looking for in "polyrelating"? Depth of relating, or something that feels good (NRE-ish) on his terms? Whatever, I'd say he's evading being fully present for his child.

I do realize that needs of a relationship such as with a fully dependent infant simply aren't as much fun as the excitements of NRE or an obsession with a new lover.

So I wouldn't recommend "hypnosis for your triggers." I'd recommend couples counseling, because it comes across to me that the two of you have created a new life but aren't in full agreement about where that comes in the overall scheme of your attentions. You saying "I'm content to hold the baby most of the time" was a red flag for me. You shouldn't have to ask for help. Your partner should be there, 150%.

This may be me projecting my own views onto you: that when two people create a new life, nothing comes before attending to it. IME "polyrelating" can be an excuse some people use to evade that. An infant human needs parents who are in agreement, and pulling together, with their focus on the human they've created. If one of them is finding more important things to do with his/her time, and the other is excusing that, it's going to lead to a trainwreck eventually. In fact I'm less inclined to call your reactions "triggers" than prescient moments of dread to see just how low fathering rates in your partner's total mindspace, from your perspective.

By the way, staying up all night stewing about your feelings is no longer an option for you. Your child needs you rested, focused, and ready to be responsive as well. I know it's hard to quell the mind when it's full of demons...but your child needs positive energy and attention, full responsiveness from its caregivers, and to be put first. With all due respect, it sounds to me like "polyrelating" isn't what's really at issue here, it's you and your partner needing to have The Talk about what it means to be parents. You two no longer come first.
 
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I find this discussion fascinating. I have been wondering for a long time how, if at all a Mono person can really make Polyamory work. This particular story makes me very sad, to see how much time, effort and emotional work has been done to make it work, while taking care of a baby and dealing with all the emotions that accompany the changes in a relationship when a child is born.

I, too am struggling with trying to accommodate to my partner's desires and about to give up.

Does anyone have anything positive to say in the way of encouragement to continue? It just seems that there is a very basic incompatibility between people who are mono and poly.
thanks for listening.
 
@Leslie -- I am married to a mono poly friendly man. You can read my blog thread on that. I was content as a hinge and I am content as a closed duo -- but it's because he is Open to hearing about my inner life and allowing that poly expression. I don't NEED another lover. I NEED to be heard and understood. So yah, it's positive. We talk about Opening again after kiddie-ania. We're not in a hurry. We like the meander pace and it will be what it is when we get there.

Sometimes, I just want him to offer to take him before I ask.

@Invi --

Don't dream. DO.

I think the practical nurture act of bodily taking the baby off your hands would do WAY more help at this point than the mental bucket nurture act of anticipating your need before you ask.

Be nice to have BOTH buckets tended -- the mental bucket so you don't have to think it all out ahead of time AND take the body bucket tending so you get a body break from the kid.

But if you can only get one? TAKE THE KID! Then you can tend your own mental health bucket on the break!

You have a mom and brothers? Talk to them more by phone, skype. Consider participating when you can at mothering.com forums or similar -- where you can vent / destress with other parents who are in your Life Age & Stage to give and share support. It's a rough time. When you can, get out to see adult people -- become a library story time regular just to air YOU out.

He does help with more than just the baby sometimes, which is definitely appreciated, though to be honest, I usually prefer that he take the baby so I can have my body back for a bit.

The answer to that one is to greet him at the door with the baby, announce the baby is ALL HIS for the next 2 hours while you nap and restore yourself.

Do not ASK. Just GIVE him the baby.

I used to do that with my DH. I had to serve baby time as the Breastaurant all hours of the day and I had to serve time with the night nursing/parenting because DH had to sleep to be ok for work. So DH just HAD to serve his time in between in the evening so I could get a break and restore myself for the next shift of mine. Here's a bottle, gimme 2 hrs break so I can NAP!

He would not be interested in limiting himself to less, from what I can tell, and I don't think closing would be an option.

Limiting himself to less going out of the house? Or Number of Partners? I am not clear there.

He wants several children, so we'd be talking about closing for several years.
On top of that, he has health issues that concern him. He very much wants to pack as much as he can into what he sees to be, overall, a very short life.

And what is your wish? To be saddled with a mess of kids once he kicks the bucket? Isn't one work enough? Where are YOUR wants in this Common Life Picture? How do you negotiate that?

If you suspect PPD for you - see a doc. And if he hasn't been checked for couvade -- he needs a check too.

The baby time is hard. Parents have to worship at the altar of selflessness in service to their infant and it is a hard, hard thing to do on poor sleep, poor couple time, and god knows what that whole first year until you catch your groove.

Hang in there.

GG
 
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I, too am struggling with trying to accommodate to my partner's desires and about to give up.

Does anyone have anything positive to say in the way of encouragement to continue? It just seems that there is a very basic incompatibility between people who are mono and poly.
thanks for listening.

We have a few very good threads on the subject of Mono/Poly relationships. You can do a search, but here are a few links:

Poly rights within a relationship

The Struggling Mono Thread

Relatively New Poly/Mono Challenges...
 
There's a lot to learn from those threads listed above.

My first and foremost advice is to be patient and accepting of each others different needs.
Being mono means that you love one person romantically at a time.
Being poly means that you can love more than one person romantically at a time.

What mono does not mean is that you get to tell the other person THEY only love one person at a time.
What poly does not mean is that you get to tell the other person THEY love more than one person at a time.

Relationship negotiations require that both partners have the freedom to express their needs (I find BDSM helpful here in using the idea of hard limits and soft limits).

If having your partner ONLY have you for a partner is a hard limit-you can't make a mono-poly dynamic work.
If having your partner have more than one partner is a hard limit-you can't make mono-poly dynamic work.

There has to be room for the other person to be DIFFERENT and have a different love style in order for compromise to be reached-so it has to be soft limits.

On the other hand-if having your bed NOT SHARED-is a hard limit-that is something one can compromise on within a dynamic-because one can still love multiple partners without dragging them in and out of each others personal bed..

Does that make sense?

It's been very helpful for us in understanding that each of us has needs (hard limits) and wants (soft limits). Needs are non-negotiable-so either we are all able to get them met with one another-or the relationship is a no-go. Wants are compromise-able.
 
Let me first say that I was not up all night stewing, I was just up. The baby and I both get plenty of sleep, but due to a recent bedbug problem, we've been sleeping during the day, when we're less likely to get bitten. This is one of many stressers in our lives right now that don't help anything.
To add onto it, I just got a call from my mother, saying my pregnant sister is in the hospital with pre-eclampsia, and will likely be having her baby at 29 weeks.

... That is, the less I feel I can talk about the issue, the trigger is sharper and more problematic. To put it another way, when I sense a trigger, it points me to precisely the issues that need to be aired and resolved.

...

You say that your partner isn't, or wouldn't be, interested in closing to other relationships at present, which to me says he wants to reserve the power to neglect the primary other-than-mate relationship (with the baby).

So what is he really looking for in "polyrelating"? Depth of relating, or something that feels good (NRE-ish) on his terms? Whatever, I'd say he's evading being fully present for his child.

...

... In fact I'm less inclined to call your reactions "triggers" than prescient moments of dread to see just how low fathering rates in your partner's total mindspace, from your perspective.

... With all due respect, it sounds to me like "polyrelating" isn't what's really at issue here, it's you and your partner needing to have The Talk about what it means to be parents. You two no longer come first.

I do realize my triggers are telling me something, and I am working on pinpointing exactly what it is, but in the mean time, I'd really like them to not bother me quite as much. heh.
I would do counseling in a heartbeat, if I could afford it. It's much easier for me to speak freely with people who are not directly involved in a situation.

I really do not think he is consciously avoiding me or the baby. Now and then, he cancels plans to stay home with me and the baby when he knows I am upset, or leaves later than he would have if it looks like I could use his help with something.

When he goes out, it's for fun. It's to socialize and go out for new experiences, and of course to get laid. It's nothing serious. He's not really looking for relationships. About a month or so ago, a girl he'd been seeing since at least February had asked him where their little thing was going. It's not going anywhere. They stopped seeing each other after that discussion. He's not looking for a deep connection; just people to go out and do things with.
Admittedly, I get jealous of that because we don't have anyone to watch the baby for the two of us to go out. I have no family around here, no friends, and I wouldn't hire a stranger to do it.

As for me holding the baby, he is calmer with me. Most of the time, I love holding him. I just obviously can not do that, and do the dishes, and take a shower, etc..
He does need to offer to take him more often, and I told him that.

"Polyrelating" is still an issue, for sure. It's just all meshed in with all kinds of other stress factors, including being new parents.

@Invi --

Don't dream. DO.

I think the practical nurture act of bodily taking the baby off your hands would do WAY more help at this point than the mental bucket nurture act of anticipating your need before you ask.

Be nice to have BOTH buckets tended -- the mental bucket so you don't have to think it all out ahead of time AND take the body bucket tending so you get a body break from the kid.

But if you can only get one? TAKE THE KID! Then you can tend your own mental health bucket on the break!

You have a mom and brothers? Talk to them more by phone, skype. Consider participating when you can at mothering.com forums or similar -- where you can vent / destress with other parents who are in your Life Age & Stage to give and share support. It's a rough time. When you can, get out to see adult people -- become a library story time regular just to air YOU out.



The answer to that one is to greet him at the door with the baby, announce the baby is ALL HIS for the next 2 hours while you nap and restore yourself.

Do not ASK. Just GIVE him the baby.

I used to do that with my DH. I had to serve baby time as the Breastaurant all hours of the day and I had to serve time with the night nursing/parenting because DH had to sleep to be ok for work. So DH just HAD to serve his time in between in the evening so I could get a break and restore myself for the next shift of mine. Here's a bottle, gimme 2 hrs break so I can NAP!



Limiting himself to less going out of the house? Or Number of Partners? I am not clear there.



And what is your wish? To be saddled with a mess of kids once he kicks the bucket? Isn't one work enough? Where are YOUR wants in this Common Life Picture? How do you negotiate that?

If you suspect PPD for you - see a doc. And if he hasn't been checked for couvade -- he needs a check too.

The baby time is hard. Parents have to worship at the altar of selflessness in service to their infant and it is a hard, hard thing to do on poor sleep, poor couple time, and god knows what that whole first year until you catch your groove.

Hang in there.

GG


I talk to my mother fairly regularly to keep up with things. The only brother I really keep in contact with is not much for conversations.
I don't drive, don't have a car, and won't take the baby on the bus. I live in an area of town I do not feel safe walking around in, so that's not an option either.
Eventually, he'll be old enough that I can actually go places with him. I can look forward to that, and look forward to the three of us being able to go out together.

I don't nap since I get plenty of rest. Mostly I get my breaks that don't involve household duties or bathing when the baby is napping.
I don't think either of us would be too happy if I just forced the baby on him for a couple of hours. The baby doesn't sit with him calmly for very long, maybe half an hour tops. After that, he needs me to calm him down.
I have trouble expressing/pumping much at all, so bottles are not really a good option as I refuse to use formula unless I absolutely have to.

Limiting himself to going out less with other women, or not at all. Not something he'd be open to, I think. It's not the number of partners that has bothered me (so far), as he has only been seeing one at a time for as long as I can recall. When he had another date with someone else when he was seeing the previous girl, it ended up cancelled. He does however talk to several at once.

I'd like at least one more child. How many, I'm not really sure.
When I say he has problems with his health, I don't mean he's only going to live another 10 years or something, and leave me with a bunch of kids. He is unsure of how long he will live (he's only in his early thirties), but I am thinking he has a long way to go. He takes very good care of himself, and appears much younger than he is.
He grew up in a pretty small family. I grew up with a large one. We both would like a fairly large family. We'd like to homeschool, have me being a stay at home mom if possible, etc. We'll see what happens. We haven't done much negotiating on it because I don't really have a lot of long term goals.

Maybe I'll find a way to see someone, be assessed for PPD. That may be difficult financially.



I've been typing this off and on since waking up. I think my son is picking up on my stress since my mother called, and he's not staying down for his usual nap, so my replies have been interrupted multiple times. Again if something doesn't make sense, I'll gladly clarify.
 
I don't think either of us would be too happy if I just forced the baby on him for a couple of hours. The baby doesn't sit with him calmly for very long, maybe half an hour tops. After that, he needs me to calm him down.

And how will Dad get BETTER at baby soothing unless he practices and clocks the time? How will BABY learn Dad can also soothe baby unless he practices and clocks the time? The role of the father is to teach baby comfort can come from OTHER places too -- not just the food lady.

And how will either DO this learning, if Mama won't just surrender baby to Daddy and walk out of the room? Because Mama herself needs to grow her confidence in Daddy being able to handle Baby and she's not gonna unless she gives the baby up to Daddy sometimes and just let's them figure each other out and get all kerfuffle. You have to stretch and sometimes be a bit uncomfy to grow.

Not leave the house -- just leave the room. Give him baby all nicely topped up from nursing and check out to read a magazine, do internet fun, catch a movie for an hour. Refill the kid, then hand him back to dad. You don't have to pump if you don't want to. You have to surrender NON NURSING ACTIVITY to regain your mental health balance.

If your are at the 30 min tops place? Go get your 30 min. Grow it to 35 min! One baby step at a time, eventually you grow it to longer and hallelujah! You get to the place where you can leave the house for a few hours.

You are the SAHM and clock way more baby hours daily - so YOUR baby skills grow at much faster speed and baby's trust in you grows that much faster. That is natural and normal.

But don't let Daddy off the hook just because he's clocking baby time at a slower time. He's a parent too -- and that means YOU have to suck it up a bit on watching/listening them figure each other out even if you have to leave the room. You do your baby and Daddy no good in stunting their rship development time, and you do your OWN health no good by not taking the break.

Did you have this baby together or not?

I understand some things you cannot do or help because of finances imposing limitations. But this one? There's no limitation there you cannot just change. Today. Tomorrow. Get on it. Fix the ones you CAN improve.

You have been thru my suggestions and other people's and explaining why not so or not yet.

How about making a post listing CAN DO NOWS then? To help your mindset? And sort some of those others into piles of "DO THIS YEAR" and "DO NEXT YEAR" or whenever the time break out is. Then you can feel better knowing some things WILL come down the pipeline for you. Like NOW, medium and longer out things for yourself.

hugs,
GG
 
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And how will Dad get BETTER at baby soothing unless he practices and clocks the time? How will BABY learn Dad can also soothe baby unless he practices and clocks the time? The role of the father is to teach baby comfort can come from OTHER places too -- not just the food lady.

And how will either DO this learning, if Mama won't just surrender baby to Daddy and walk out of the room?

Not leave the house -- just leave the room. Give him baby all nicely topped up from nursing and check out to read a magazine, do internet fun, catch a movie.

If your are at the 30 min tops place? Go get your 30 min! Grow it to 35 min! One baby step at a time, eventually you grow it to longer and hallelujah! You get to the place where you can leave the house for a few hours.

You are the SAHM and clock way more baby hours daily - so YOUR baby skills grow at much faster speed and baby's trust in you grows that much faster. That is natural and normal.

But don't let Daddy off the hook just because he's clocking baby time at a slower time. He's a parent too -- and that means YOU have to suck it up a bit on watching/listening them figure each other out even if you have to leave the room. You do your baby and Daddy no good in stunting their rship development time, and you do your OWN health no good by not taking the break.

Did you have this baby together or not?

GG

Fair enough.
He can and does soothe the baby.. sometimes. Sometimes it has to be me.
All the rocking, walking, playing, patting, etc that Daddy can do sometimes just doesn't cut it. I won't let the baby scream himself into exhaustion just to get used to being around Daddy more, so I'd rather just let them be at it when he's happy, or at least not too upset, and take him when he starts to get to that place where no amount of Daddy-hugs and singing can console him.


Sometimes I ask him to take him while we're sitting on the couch together. That helps with being touched out, and the baby will stay happier longer. He just gets upset if he can't see me, and I understand that. He doesn't really have a concept of time yet. If Mommy is gone, who knows when or is she is coming back! Time to cry.

It was easier when our respective mothers were visiting. He sits much better with another woman. There is improvement, though. He used to fuss just being handed to Dad, so, progress.
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No fair, you edited on me. :p
I'll have to remember to come back to this. Right now, little man needs a nap.
 
Yes -- child development is what it is at the pace it is.

And no, you do not need to torture baby. But allowing baby to be feel a tiny bit "ack!" and THEN coming in to solve? That isn't torture. That is helping baby grow their "I can handle this!" bucket.

I used to have DH hold the baby and just sit besides them and would pat her. Yes, I'm gonna hold ya an nurse ya. Yes, I'm not gonna abandon ya. But NO I'm not gonna immediately pick you up EVERY time. Most times yes, Other times no.

We are learning things. I am right here, in line of sight first. We're gonna count to 3 first. THEN I will pick you up and do what I gotta. Counting out 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi is not baby torture.

I know she didn't know language at all but counting out loud to 3 before doing the thing is a pre-step to teaching her patience.

Later it came in very handy to have her know that when I finish the "mini ritual" of counting out loud to 3 she would get her thing, whatever it is. Oh, how I laugh remembering toddler her trying to "Count to 3 for patience" -- because then it changed from ME doing the count to HER doing it. She use to count it like "wun-do-FREE!" just to get it over with faster. LOL. For a while I took that. Then raised the bar a tiny squinch more.

It became the small stretch to go "Wuuuuuuunnnnnnn. Dooooooooooooo. FREEEEEEEEEEEE." the first time because I'd make her count it again if she gave it a lick and a promise "wun-do-free" thing.

Those baby layerings make it easier to grow to counting to 10, or to 20 for later down in older toddler land and preschool land for things like patience or discipline time outs or hell -- counting skills for premath at school!

I haven't thought about baby land in a while -- thanks for the nostalgia visit. :D

But you hang in there at the front end of your parenting journey -- take deep breaths and remember you tend not just a baby but YOUR buckets too -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health.

Put your OWN oxygen mask on first. Otherwise you can't help anyone else well much less yourself.

hugs,

GG
 
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Defi itely agree with GG! My oldest will be 21 this month. Youngest is 5. Have 4 of our own and fostered two others plus fulltime babysitting of a preemie and two others from 3 mths to 10 yrs. lots of hours there.

Its critical for baby and daddy to bond. Like gg said, if 30 min is his comfort zone now, do that a cpl times each evening this week, bext week, 40 min twice an evening.

I also found that if I put a nursing blanket between me and baby when feeding, then gAve it to daddy, baby was calmer. This worked well with the preemie I Watched also. Mommy slept with a nursing blanket tucked inside her clothes, then gave it to me when she dropped baby off. Baby smelled mommy and was calmed. ;)
 
Baby smelled mommy and was calmed.

I remember that! I didn't bother with blankets though. I just gave them the shirt off my back that I happened to be in. And would just go put on a new one.

GG
 
LOL, I did that a few times too-but not with the youngest, cause the older kids got a bit pissy with me if I just stripped down in front of them. LOL!
 
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