How do I come out as poly to my mono partner of 4 years?

My feelings are incredibly mixed on all of this. Because I am doing it in reverse.

Started as poly, then "went mono." And the thing about that...I do feel like there is a more special special-ness to this thing between Zen and I, now that it's only the two of us in my sexual relationship network. I am full of this desire to give him so much. The colors of the memories of sex with other people are fading in my mind and ours are so bright and intense. And time, I want to give him any time I can...I want to live with him and give him everything I am and have to give anyone. Do I feel that if, one day, I say to him that things have changed, and my heart now desires others, and I want to be poly again...that would diminish us somehow? Well, yeah. Mostly because of the finite resource I can only call "energy." It's time, but it's more than that. It's effort. It's thought. It's making sure everyone has a gift on holidays, it's being there for people, it's all of the personal STUFF you've got to give in a relationship and when I was trying to divide that stream four ways, it was making me a little crazy after a while. And as I began to have more and more of it flowing to Zen like a force of nature, the other streams started to just dry up. It just happened.

Now...I do definitely get the concept of "infinite love" in theory. And like the analogy of multiple children where you still love the first when the second is born...but at the same time, there did come a point where I actively prevented more than two kids from being conceived by me because I did not wish to divide my resources, like time, money, and ENERGY, more ways than that.

So...yeah, I do see where the monogamous folks are coming from here.

Bottom line though, I'd question how major and significant is this thing to the person who contemplates "coming out" to a mono partner. Is this something you are curious to experiment with and maybe explore? Is this something that is a deep and serious hardcore TRUTH? Are you simply unhappy in the original relationship, needs not met, and think that poly will be a viable fix? Like I would do a bunch of processing and mind-work first, maybe even some counseling, and really weigh up the situation before bringing it to my partner. And frankly, my agreement with the "lawn spots" analogy depends a lot on the gravity of the polyness to the person in question. Like I have noticed men in my world that I fleetingly thought, "wow, look at his build...I wonder what sex with him is like" and momentarily flash-fantasied it. And then poof, the entire thought is gone. Do I need to share that with my mono partner? I do not think so. And while I'm quite fine with him pointing out to me appreciation of a particularly beautiful woman, I'd get sick of it VERY QUICKLY if it were every five minutes and every woman on the street...even if the thoughts WERE going through his mind.

But if he was seriously considering acting on an attraction, or if I were? Oh yeah, we definitely need to talk! But either of us would know, that is a big step and yes, you do have to weigh "what happens if mono partner cannot handle this and it ends us?" And decide if it's important enough to be worth it.
 
Well, I would venture to say that, if you want to be intimate emotionally with your life partner, something as intrinsic to intimacy as being poly or mono is something important to know. If she tried to keep you in the dark about it, and had to, as I did, be all subtle and ... sneaky, and even lie about crushes, well, it kills the intimacy. She's living with this deep dark secret, and maybe feeling evil, as I did, for ever looking with lust or deep affection at someone else besides you! This creates such a distance. She might have thought, as I did, "He's good, he's loyal, but I'm bad, I am defective, selfish, sinful, there is something wrong with me." And that is no way to live.

Imagine if it was something other than love style. Like, having a fantasy/desire to climb Mt Everest, or travel the world, or be an artist, or anything else that could upset the secure applecart of the "normal" day to day relationship you two had. If she told you she longs to climb Mt Everest, but won't, because she realises it's risky and expensive and would take her away from you for several months, you could know this, appreciate her sacrifice, and support her in her fantasies, or reading, or TV shows she watched about it, etc.

I am thinking of the guy in It's a Wonderful Life. He had a lifelong dream to travel the world and then go to college to become an engineer designing bridges. He gave up the dream to carry on the family business, and to marry, have kids, help his community. But his wife knew he carried that dream, and he had a corner of the living room where he could build model bridges etc. She gave him a wedding night that simulated a night in a European hotel. If he had hidden that part of himself to avoid her feeling threatened that he might leave her and the kids to live out that dream, she wouldn't have been able to give him the gift of a partial fulfillment of his dream.

I don't know if that makes sense to you.

If you know a partner is poly, and knew it wasn't THAT important to her, that she's willing to give up that dream, it makes you CLOSER to her.


To be completely honest, I've only seen It's a Wonderful Life once, and it was a really long time ago. So I don't remember much about it, and can't say one way or another if it applies.

Now, I'm not advocating being sneaky, or hiding crushes. If the poly within is that strong, then what we have is already doomed. The intimacy would already be dead, or severely wounded at least. I'm not saying that poly folks are evil, bad, selfish people... This has nothing to do with my way being the "right way" etc... At least, for anyone else. It's what's right for ME, and it's the only thing that's right for me, so it's a huge deal breaker not to be mono.

And no, I don't agree that her "giving up" that "dream" makes me closer to her. Knowing that it was even a consideration, let alone a "dream", is what drove the biggest wedge between us that we've ever had. It's the desire that bothers me just as much as the action. While it's noble to choose whether or not to act based on the hurt it may cause, it doesn't change the fact that someone still has the desire to act in a way that will be hurtful.

We all know the age old saying "sticks & stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"... This is completely false. Words DO hurt. Not only do they hurt, but they will usually hurt for much, much longer than it takes for a broken leg to heal.

My point (again) was to make sure the OP truly weighed the risks, and considered the consequences. Whether you or I think those consequences are "fair" is not the issue.
 
hehe good one!



CTF seemed to be pushing for the choice to just stifle and hide your poly feelings for the sake of the marriage. I wanted to point out the risks of that, and what the other options are. Personally I am thrilled I took the risk and made the choice to be true to myself. As I said, splitting up my marriage was healthier for me, and healthier for my ex, who found a mono gf (and learned other life lessons as well).

NO, this was not at all what I was advocating. I understand that there are risks depending on how strong the desire is to live a poly life. But there are risks by opening up & telling these things to a partner. If it means that it's better to part ways, then fair enough. But never assume that it's the other partner's responsibility to just say "ok"

Even if the partner wishes to remain mono, and the newly discovered poly partner agrees (which is also for the sake of marriage, correct?), it's naive to assume that the mono partner is just going to think "Wow, she wants all of these people, but she's willing to not fuck them because it's what I want. I surer do feel valued by that.". It does feel like spitting the gift back in our faces. It does feel like what we once had, all of a sudden, is no longer enough. It basically feels like a concession. Like they feel that they're just doing you a favor. They don't really what the same thing you do, but they're willing to settle. I don't want us to have what we have because it's what I want, I want us to have what we have because it's what we BOTH want.
 
As I recall, CTF's wife was his only social connection, so knowing she had a need or desire for friends and lovers was extremely challenging (I could be wrong, but I have this vague memory). Other partners may not be so socially isolated, so would not be as devastated just to learn their partner fantasises about sex or emotional connection with others.



Sure, that can happen. But being honest with your mono partner about your poly nature or desires does not automatically mean that partner is now "devalued." I get it, monos get jealous and insecure about losing their partner to another if poly is attempted. But if there is a good healthy relationship between the original couple, and good self esteem on both sides, and the poly partner is truly poly, the spouse will not be dumped.

And even if poly is taken out of the equation, if there is a meh relationship, and lack of self esteem, and unhealthy habits of communication, and taking each other for granted, etc., the marriage is probably doomed anyway.


No, my wife has never been my only social connection. My circle is small, but I do have other friends. That being said, there are personal things that I would never feel comfortable talking to anyone else about. I've also never had a problem with her having friends. For some reason, that accusation was thrown around A LOT in the past (primarily by my wife), but I still fail to understand how anyone ever came to that assumption. One of the big challenges we had before, was her oversharing things about me, and our relationship involving things that were not meant for others' ears. It doesn't take social isolation to be upset at the thought of one's partner being with someone else. Granted, some doesn't take it as hard as I do, but being cheated on so many times, but others I've dated before her, can tend to make someone a bit sensitive about it. Ultimately, I found someone who would never cheat, because she'd never want anyone else but me... Until I found out that was wrong too.

And it's not because I feared losing her. I never believed that she was going to leave me. She wanted both. But I did feel devalued because it seemed that she saw me as just someone fulfilling her needs. She had food, shelter, health insurance, etc... At the same time, she had someone else making her happy with the things that she wanted. I got the grunt work, and JB got the spoils.
 
I wonder how the OP is doing. It may do this discussion some good to get focused on the question again.

Sophie, we haven't heared about you since the first post, are you having any progress in your decision making?
 
Often people torture monogamous people without realising it, they do it by encouraging monogamous people to adapt to their polyamoury as a result of making the mistake of not realising that polyamoury is most of the time a deal breaker for monogamous people.

I don't think you will do that.

Be open with your partner, they will likely not be ok with you living a polyamourous life while you are involved with them. They may even agree to stuff to keep you and find themselves becoming upset when the reality of the situation hits.

Be open, don't rush into any new relationships and give them LOTS of time to adjust and see if they can handle it, put their need to adjust first, make it your first priority if you want to keep this relationship going, if they can't it's a deal breaker and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sorry there's no fun lovely answer to this one. It's lots of emotional work and time and patience and possible heartbreak. Just to level with you.
 
Back
Top