How do I come out as poly to my mono partner of 4 years?

Sophie

New member
Hi everyone,

Over the last year I've become aware of polyamory and realised that all the parts of me I thought were defective were actually perfectly normal and that I do not have to be a monogomous person by default. I love my partner but I want to be honest with her about my feelings before I start to develop feelings for someone and it could just seem like an excuse.

She is extremely monogomous and a firm believer of your one true love. I really want to know how best to open up to her about this. I don't expect her to accept it or reject it immediately, I have no expectations from her at this point but I feel I need to be myself and be honest with her.

There has been no infidelity in our relationships and I have never acted upon my poly feelings but the older I get, the more I know this is the life I want.

Thanks in advance for your help everyone. Really need it right now.

Sophie
 
Hi Sophie,

I suggest you tell your partner you have something to talk about with her, and you would like to do so at a time when you both can be relaxed and comfortable, and not have any distractions. Schedule a time and when that time comes, both of you settle down and get comfortable. Then open the conversation with something like, "I have realized that I need to be polyamorous." And she is likely to ask what that means, and you can tell her and the conversation can go from there.

Plan for the discussion to last for a limited amount of time, perhaps an hour at most? Don't try to resolve everything in one conversation. You and she are likely to need to have many talks about this, not just one. You could meet together to talk every couple of weeks. It might take your partner over a year to reconcile her beliefs with the idea of polyamory. And of course she may never be able to accept the idea. You have to decide how long to wait, and whether you want to stay with her at the end of that waiting period. Right now it sounds like she is pretty adamant about monogamy, so it's probably going to be difficult.

Just some thoughts, I hope that it is helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You seem to say it ok enough in your post. Could rearrange sentence order a touch, print it and have her read it.

First ask for a time to talk. Nothing more than setting an appointment. Preferably in private, not like in public or with distractions or when hungry, anxious, angry, lonely or tired. A time when both can have good conversation with no other stuff going on. Then when you get to the appointment time? Could fork the note over if you cannot say it verbally.

It could be something like...

"I love you and I want to be honest with you about my feelings. Over the last year I've become aware of polyamory and realised that all the parts of me I thought were defective were actually perfectly normal and that I do not have to be a monogomous person by default.

There has been no infidelity in our relationship and I have never acted upon my poly feelings but the older I get, the more I know this is the life I want.

Is poly something you could be willing to participate in? Like you are monoamorous and poly friendly? Or are your firmly monoamorous and monogamous? Or something else? Could you be willing to talk about this with me sometime soon?

I don't expect you to accept it or reject it immediately or have the talk now. I want you to have time to digest and reflect before we talk again. I'm simply asking for another appointment time where you might be willing to discuss all this more deeply.

I'm not trying to upset you. I just feel I need to be myself and be honest with you. Thank you."​

Have some emotional courage and just get it out there.

Don't shy away from communicating what is on your mind. She cannot be a mind reader. But know it can be a series of conversations. Baby steps. It doesn't have to be one big marathon session that exhausts everyone.

Galagirl
 
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As much as this may be an unpopular suggestion, or at the very least, a doomsday scenario, there is a distinct possibility that this could get very ugly. Of course, you know her better than any of us, but speaking from my own experience, this has the potential to change, and even ruin a marriage forever. My advice, think very, VERY hard about what you seek out of it before opening up. Know that this could end things between you two even if you never actually act on it. Is giving her up worth the risk? If so, then by all means... But could her knowing that you even have interest in additional partner(s) be something that could give her panic attacks & bring out crippling depression?

I'm not saying don't open up, but think about whether or not it's worth possibly losing her if you do.
 
As much as this may be an unpopular suggestion, or at the very least, a doomsday scenario, there is a distinct possibility that this could get very ugly. Of course, you know her better than any of us, but speaking from my own experience, this has the potential to change, and even ruin a marriage forever. My advice, think very, VERY hard about what you seek out of it before opening up. Know that this could end things between you two even if you never actually act on it. Is giving her up worth the risk? If so, then by all means... But could her knowing that you even have interest in additional partner(s) be something that could give her panic attacks & bring out crippling depression?

I'm not saying don't open up, but think about whether or not it's worth possibly losing her if you do.

Life is too short to live a lie, though.

We need to be authentic and at some point we realise this.
 
Life is too short to live a lie, though.

We need to be authentic and at some point we realise this.

I'm not suggesting anyone live a lie. But it's crucial to know that words & actions have consequences. That's why I suggested thinking very hard about what the OP wants, before choosing what to say, if anything at all. A lot of people don't realize it, but, in the construct of a marriage, or at least a deeply committed relationship, being poly affects one's partner just as much as him/herself.

And all of life is a trade off. It's not about living a lie, it's about understanding that we can't all have everything we want in life. I wanted to be a rock musician, but I also wanted a family & a stable home environment... I couldn't have both, so I picked which one I wanted the most.

Second, it's not living a lie if you're recognizing it within yourself, and are simply choosing not to hurt those you love. For example - my mom is a staunch Christian, while I'm an Atheist. I choose not to tell her, because just her knowing it would destroy her.
 
I'm not suggesting anyone live a lie. But it's crucial to know that words & actions have consequences. That's why I suggested thinking very hard about what the OP wants, before choosing what to say, if anything at all. A lot of people don't realize it, but, in the construct of a marriage, or at least a deeply committed relationship, being poly affects one's partner just as much as him/herself.

And all of life is a trade off. It's not about living a lie, it's about understanding that we can't all have everything we want in life. I wanted to be a rock musician, but I also wanted a family & a stable home environment... I couldn't have both, so I picked which one I wanted the most.

That is fine for you. It just doesn't resonate with me. I do have much of what I want out of life, living poly. I did live a lie for over 30 years trying to be mono when I am inherently poly. And I wasn't making my husband happy living that lie. Even though I never cheated, he always noticed when I had a crush on someone, even though I didn't act on it. He was still unhappy and suspicious and jealous and punished me for it in passive aggressive ways. It was a KINDNESS to him (as well as to me) when we parted ways. We still loved each other, but he needed the certain security of being mono with a mono partner. and I needed to be poly, either single poly, or with what I ended up with, a poly anchor partner as well.

Second, it's not living a lie if you're recognizing it within yourself, and are simply choosing not to hurt those you love. For example - my mom is a staunch Christian, while I'm an Atheist. I choose not to tell her, because just her knowing it would destroy her.


I would never not be true to myself just to avoid hurting someone else. Never again. I tried to do it for many years, and it was a mistake. It was a short term hurt, the breakup. We were already mismatched and no matter how hard I tried, he was already hurting. Better just to move on in our different directions. He's got a mono gf, I've got a poly gf and I date men. Problem solved!
 
Have you read any of the books about poly relationships? They may help you figure out how to present the concept and explain what you want, or perhaps she would be willing to read one of the books and then talk about it.

If she is very monogamous in outlook, this could be a deal breaker for her. Is it for you? To get what you want, you may have to give up what you have - but that may be better than not even having the opportunity to seek what you want, if it reaches that point.
 
That is fine for you. It just doesn't resonate with me. I do have much of what I want out of life, living poly. I did live a lie for over 30 years trying to be mono when I am inherently poly. And I wasn't making my husband happy living that lie. Even though I never cheated, he always noticed when I had a crush on someone, even though I didn't act on it. He was still unhappy and suspicious and jealous and punished me for it in passive aggressive ways. It was a KINDNESS to him (as well as to me) when we parted ways. We still loved each other, but he needed the certain security of being mono with a mono partner. and I needed to be poly, either single poly, or with what I ended up with, a poly anchor partner as well.




I would never not be true to myself just to avoid hurting someone else. Never again. I tried to do it for many years, and it was a mistake. It was a short term hurt, the breakup. We were already mismatched and no matter how hard I tried, he was already hurting. Better just to move on in our different directions. He's got a mono gf, I've got a poly gf and I date men. Problem solved!


And that's fine for you as well. Look, I'm not advocating that anyone do anything in particular, other than what works for him/her. My point simply, is that when we have to choose A or B, we must consider the consequences of each choice. NO ONE is entitled to both. Like you said yourself, the 2 of you chose to part ways. If that's the better option for the OP, then that's fine. But it's crucial to understand that that's the way it can go, even at the mere suggestion of being poly. I don't advocate anyone "live a lie", or not be true to him/herself, but both partners have a say in opening up a marriage or relationship, and it affects both partners just the same. And some partners are willing to stay closed even if they identify as poly. That being said, it's indescribable how emotionally painful it can be to know this about your partner. It's a bigger deal than it's made out to be, even if there's no follow through.
 
And that's fine for you as well. Look, I'm not advocating that anyone do anything in particular, other than what works for him/her. My point simply, is that when we have to choose A or B, we must consider the consequences of each choice. NO ONE is entitled to both. Like you said yourself, the 2 of you chose to part ways. If that's the better option for the OP, then that's fine. But it's crucial to understand that that's the way it can go, even at the mere suggestion of being poly. I don't advocate anyone "live a lie", or not be true to him/herself, but both partners have a say in opening up a marriage or relationship, and it affects both partners just the same. And some partners are willing to stay closed even if they identify as poly. That being said, it's indescribable how emotionally painful it can be to know this about your partner. It's a bigger deal than it's made out to be, even if there's no follow through.

CTF I don't remember if it's you that is poly, or your wife (?) and what the outcome was... But it doesn't have to be "indescribably painful" to find out your partner is poly. Sure, it is sometimes. Other times, one's partner can be supportive. So, why not find out?

Yes, it's a big deal. There are lots of big deals, and dealbreakers, in relationships. We only live once, and life is short. I waited until I'd been in a less than satisfying relationship for over 30 years. The OP (not sure she'll be back) has only been with her partner for 4 years. She says her partner is definitely mono. But the OP is poly. Should she really repress her poly nature for the rest of her life, faking it just to please her partner? In my case, I tried. God, I tried. I was miserable. And my husband was emotionally perceptive enough to guess I had a "roving eye" even though I tried to hide it, even to the point of lying.

It's no way to live, believe me. HUGE ASS elephant in the room at all times takes up a lot of space.
 
CTF I don't remember if it's you that is poly, or your wife (?) and what the outcome was... But it doesn't have to be "indescribably painful" to find out your partner is poly. Sure, it is sometimes. Other times, one's partner can be supportive. So, why not find out?
CTF is mono and has been seriously neglected by his wife. But I just want to say you two are not in disagreement. I think the "consider, that coming out could end your relationship, even if you don't act on it" warning is in place. He's not saying "save the relationship at all costs". So you're not in disagreement.
 
CTF I don't remember if it's you that is poly, or your wife (?) and what the outcome was... But it doesn't have to be "indescribably painful" to find out your partner is poly. Sure, it is sometimes. Other times, one's partner can be supportive. So, why not find out?

Yes, it's a big deal. There are lots of big deals, and dealbreakers, in relationships. We only live once, and life is short. I waited until I'd been in a less than satisfying relationship for over 30 years. The OP (not sure she'll be back) has only been with her partner for 4 years. She says her partner is definitely mono. But the OP is poly. Should she really repress her poly nature for the rest of her life, faking it just to please her partner? In my case, I tried. God, I tried. I was miserable. And my husband was emotionally perceptive enough to guess I had a "roving eye" even though I tried to hide it, even to the point of lying.

It's no way to live, believe me. HUGE ASS elephant in the room at all times takes up a lot of space.


It was my wife that came out as poly, I'm the mono. Now, it's true that it doesn't have to be painful, but sometimes it is. It all depends on the individual. And that's why, in the beginning, I make it a point to point out the fact that, people know their partners than any of us here on this forum do.

4 years may not be the same as 30 (inversely, my wife & I had 16 years at the time she told me), but it should be enough to at least have some idea how their partner would take it. I've suggested in the past, that people bring it up in unrelated conversations to sort of gauge their reaction. Have light talks about the subject in the abstract, without necessarily dropping the bomb about themselves at that moment.

Now, as Tinwen stated, we're not in disagreement over the issue itself. All I'm suggesting, is carefully thinking about it, and weighing the risks BEFORE saying something. And, IF the poly partner would rather (and somewhat happily) live monogamously with that partner, above opening up the relationship & living polyamorously, then there's no point in having the conversation at all. Having the conversation, if you're not willing to act on it will do nothing but add strife. It certainly did in my case, and now I have to live hearing those words over & over again for the rest of my life. Sure, most poly folks might think that's no big deal, and even go so far as to consider me selfish for seeing it this way, but I've never forced her to live any particular way. In fact, it's being told that I just need to suck it up & accept it, that makes me feel that sometimes the other side is showing selfishness. As though it's my duty to stand by her & support it. Even go so far as to be manipulative & claim that if I don't, that I somehow, don't love her... Which is utterly ridiculous.

You found what worked for you. I understand that you kept silent for a lot of years. In the end, you parted ways. We almost met that same fate. The difference is, my wife claimed (and still does) that she doesn't "need" poly to be happy. Which is why I questioned the point in her ever telling me, since I have been adamant about my monogamy since day one.
 
Well, I would venture to say that, if you want to be intimate emotionally with your life partner, something as intrinsic to intimacy as being poly or mono is something important to know. If she tried to keep you in the dark about it, and had to, as I did, be all subtle and ... sneaky, and even lie about crushes, well, it kills the intimacy. She's living with this deep dark secret, and maybe feeling evil, as I did, for ever looking with lust or deep affection at someone else besides you! This creates such a distance. She might have thought, as I did, "He's good, he's loyal, but I'm bad, I am defective, selfish, sinful, there is something wrong with me." And that is no way to live.

Imagine if it was something other than love style. Like, having a fantasy/desire to climb Mt Everest, or travel the world, or be an artist, or anything else that could upset the secure applecart of the "normal" day to day relationship you two had. If she told you she longs to climb Mt Everest, but won't, because she realises it's risky and expensive and would take her away from you for several months, you could know this, appreciate her sacrifice, and support her in her fantasies, or reading, or TV shows she watched about it, etc.

I am thinking of the guy in It's a Wonderful Life. He had a lifelong dream to travel the world and then go to college to become an engineer designing bridges. He gave up the dream to carry on the family business, and to marry, have kids, help his community. But his wife knew he carried that dream, and he had a corner of the living room where he could build model bridges etc. She gave him a wedding night that simulated a night in a European hotel. If he had hidden that part of himself to avoid her feeling threatened that he might leave her and the kids to live out that dream, she wouldn't have been able to give him the gift of a partial fulfillment of his dream.

I don't know if that makes sense to you.

If you know a partner is poly, and knew it wasn't THAT important to her, that she's willing to give up that dream, it makes you CLOSER to her.
 
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I am thinking of the guy in It's a Wonderful Life. He had a lifelong dream to travel the world and then go to college to become an engineer designing bridges. He gave up the dream to carry on the family business, and to marry, have kids, help his community. But his wife knew he carried that dream, and he had a corner of the living room where he could build model bridges etc. She gave him a wedding night that simulated a night in a European hotel. If he had hidden that part of himself to avoid her feeling threatened that he might leave her and the kids to live out that dream, she wouldn't have been able to give him the gift of a partial fulfillment of his dream.

I don't know if that makes sense to you.

Sorry No it doesn't make sense. :confused:

Interesting take on the holiday classic. But really by your standards wouldn't be Its a wonderful lie.
The guy ( George Bailey ) stepped up and always did the right thing. Put others before his own dreams and wants. HE never felt very appreciated for the sacrifice and struggle and couldn't see the greater picture of his contributions. One could argue he felt screwed over by fate and family members( little brother Harry who didn't take his turn in the barrel or the dim witted uncle billy who admitted not being able to run the business.) I believe the message of the movie is/ was George Bailey has/ had a good life it just didn't feel like it most of the time and the crushing shame and embarrassment of scandal was too much.


I think in your version (a much different movie)George takes the money/ job with potter or cashes in after the funeral leaves town and never looks back being true to his self.

Or better yet after 18yrs of marriage he walks in and says honey I've had enough I'm leaving you to travel and explore the world like I wanted all those yrs ago. Sorry I just need to be true to myself. " but George I gave you a corner of the living room to play architect in." " right , most guys would be happy with that but I'm not I need to get out there and start over"
 
Well, I would venture to say that, if you want to be intimate emotionally with your life partner, something as intrinsic to intimacy as being poly or mono is something important to know. If she tried to keep you in the dark about it, and had to, as I did, be all subtle and ... sneaky, and even lie about crushes, well, it kills the intimacy.
You gave me some inspiration with this, so I wonder. I totally get that honesty usually gets people closer, but is there an opposite effect in some cases? Does everybody have a line?

When I opened the topic of attraction, my ex went totally like "No no, in our family we believe, you never tell your partner which girls you like. There's just too much potential damage to the relationship, which may never recover." And I said "hey, but I actually want to know which girls catch your eye", so our line on intimacy about this topic was very different.

With my current partner, I'm able to speak much more openly about all kind of emotions, including doubts about the relationship (another past tabu), and it's so much better. Sharing doubts is tricky however - not sharing any of them creats a wall, sharing too much of them drives the partner away. Sharing your fondness another partner may be similar, we all know here it's tricky and everybody has a line about how much they want to hear about their metamours.
I guess there is a capacity for (any kind of) intimacy in each individual.

Then there are some topics which rise resistance, distaste, disgust. Disgust is a difficult emotion, and if I learned something disgusting about my partner, or something that I can't reconsile with my values at all, and couldn't accept the difference with some time - I indeed think it would be better if I didn't know. Unless it was really break up material.

I think sharing yourself enhances intimacy only if the partner is actually able and willing (eventually) to hear, accept, understand, or at least to hear and eventually stop judging. Then the people have actually learned more about each other and grown closer.
 
Interesting take on the holiday classic. But really, by your standards, wouldn't it be It's a Wonderful Lie?

hehe good one!

George Bailey stepped up and always did the right thing. Put others before his own dreams and wants. He never felt very appreciated for the sacrifice and struggle, and couldn't see the greater picture of his contributions. One could argue he felt screwed over by fate and family members... I believe the message of the movie is: George Bailey had a good life, it just didn't feel like it most of the time, and the crushing shame and embarrassment of scandal was too much.

With you so far.


I think in your version (a much different movie), George takes the money/job with Potter, or cashes in after the funeral. Leaves town and never looks back, being true to himself.

Well, that is a different movie, and I am sure it has been done. Especially in regards to women's dreams. Women, who are trained even more than men to be self sacrificing and always put their own needs or dreams last.

I am not saying we are all George Baileys, who face scandal after a life of sacrifice, and need a deus ex machina (angel earning his wings) to make us see how appreciated we really are. Sometimes people do walk away from a marriage, when they feel too fenced in. Like I did. It's a risk, sure. Some people refuse to take risks, and choose to life a half life of frustration and bitterness. You pays your money and you takes your choice, as a professor used to tell me in college.

Or better yet, after 18 yrs of marriage he walks in and says, "Honey, I've had enough. I'm leaving you to travel and explore the world like I wanted all those yrs ago. Sorry, I just need to be true to myself." "But George, I gave you a corner of the living room to play architect in." "Right, most guys would be happy with that, but I'm not. I need to get out there and start over."

Sure, that's another way things could go! Even the Bible says men should leave their wives and kids behind, sell all they have, and pursue their dreams (Jesus, God, whatever). In India, it is an accepted choice for a married man to leave the family, dress only in a loincloth, and become a beggar in pursuit of the gods and Nirvana. It is actually seen as a noble path.

Anyway, metaphor and movies aside, I agree, yes, if one partner realises they are poly, they can choose to bury it, never tell anyone, and choose monogamy. For some, this might work out OK. For others, it might feel very stifling and lead to bitterness and ironic distance from their monogamous partner. Others may choose to come clean, tell their partner they plan to live polyamorously, and give their partner the choice to go with them on their journey, or split if necessary. We see all these options and choices here on the board every day. We see the results.

CTF seemed to be pushing for the choice to just stifle and hide your poly feelings for the sake of the marriage. I wanted to point out the risks of that, and what the other options are. Personally I am thrilled I took the risk and made the choice to be true to myself. As I said, splitting up my marriage was healthier for me, and healthier for my ex, who found a mono gf (and learned other life lessons as well).
 
You pays your money and you takes your choice, as a professor used to tell me in college.
Was that the English professor you've mentioned ?


In India, it is an accepted choice for a married man to leave the family, dress only in a loincloth, and become a beggar in pursuit of the gods and Nirvana. It is actually seen as a noble path.

Yeah by everyone outside of the immediate family / blast zone. I agree I think every person working in call centers over there should do that too. Very noble I support them in their pursuit of the gods. Great idea. :D


CTF seemed to be pushing for the choice to just stifle and hide your poly feelings for the sake of the marriage. I wanted to point out the risks of that, and what the other options are. Personally I am thrilled I took the risk and made the choice to be true to myself. As I said, splitting up my marriage was healthier for me, and healthier for my ex, who found a mono gf (and learned other life lessons as well).

Similar to the movie we see this a little differently. I thought CTF was quite clear as saying BE careful ( paraphrasing here ) some bells can't be unrung.
Be damned sure you've thought EVERYTHING through because this has the potential to change things forever whether acted on or not. Heap big RISK. Careful juggling chainsaw.


There are lots of people out there that consider the monogamous commitment a tremendous gift that's exchanged and not just sexual fidelity. I mean in terms of time, energy, resources, commitment, etc. People have described when the poly bomb is dropped as having that gift spit in their face. And it was the opening salvo's demotion and devaluation. (2 headers from poly hell.)

"There is no special anymore " someone very recently said this to me in regards to this topic. The struggling mono who made that statement suggested they go together to counseling and then as the appointment day approached thought why bother. I think she went individually but was no longer pushing or wanted joint counseling which worked out ok because the spouse was very reluctant anyway.

I dont think its lost on anyone that life is too short and regret runs deep for the things we didn't do. In your case you regret the extra 15 yrs.

From an intellectual hindsight 20/30 :D prospective have you ever or do you ever regret marrying him in the first place ???( take the kids out of that equation if that helps ).

Or is it you just wished you ended things way way sooner?
 
The discussion has gotten sidetracked by whether or not avoiding a truth is a lie. I'd say it's worse.
________________

When you're unable/unwilling to discuss something, it's poison. It's a huge lawn, & just one little black spot you need to fence off, so no biggie, right?

A topic that can't be discussed, or even broached, requires that stuff related to it take on toxicity, because venturing into those areas might unintentionally lead to the landmine. The little black spot now has a brown ring, so you put up a bigger fence, but no problem.

Avoiding those fringe-area subjects means avoiding other related thoughts -- don't look too close or they'll drag your line of sight to that little black spot & the thought of what's "hidden" there might start to haunt you. Look away, look away.

Brown spots start to pop up randomly on the lawn. At each, something there reminded you of the black spot & its environs. Probably nothing significant... but when you've got that huge lawn, & an unlimited supply offencing, why run the risk of setting off some sort of chain reaction?

One day, you realize that you can't walk a straight line across your lawn for all the fenced-off spots. You begin to wonder who's to blame for limiting you.
 
Was that the English professor you've mentioned ?

Hm, I don't recall mentioning an English professor! What do you think I've said?


Yeah by everyone outside of the immediate family / blast zone.

No, actually it seems quite accepted and common. There are just lots and lots of religious beggars in India! I think it may work because extended families are very tight so there is support for the wife and kids he leaves behind. Kind of like how many Catholics get all proud to have a priest or nun in the family... only in this case, the person marries and breeds first, gets that out of his system, then becomes a religious wanderer.

I agree I think every person working in call centers over there should do that too. Very noble I support them in their pursuit of the gods. Great idea. :D

I guess this is sarcasm.

Similar to the movie we see this a little differently. I thought CTF was quite clear as saying BE careful ( paraphrasing here ) some bells can't be unrung.
Be damned sure you've thought EVERYTHING through because this has the potential to change things forever whether acted on or not. Heap big RISK. Careful juggling chainsaw.

As I recall, CTF's wife was his only social connection, so knowing she had a need or desire for friends and lovers was extremely challenging (I could be wrong, but I have this vague memory). Other partners may not be so socially isolated, so would not be as devastated just to learn their partner fantasises about sex or emotional connection with others.

There are lots of people out there that consider the monogamous commitment a tremendous gift that's exchanged, and not just sexual fidelity. I mean in terms of time, energy, resources, commitment, etc. People have described when the poly bomb is dropped as having that gift spit in their face. And it was the opening salvo's demotion and devaluation. (2 headers from poly hell.)

Sure, that can happen. But being honest with your mono partner about your poly nature or desires does not automatically mean that partner is now "devalued." I get it, monos get jealous and insecure about losing their partner to another if poly is attempted. But if there is a good healthy relationship between the original couple, and good self esteem on both sides, and the poly partner is truly poly, the spouse will not be dumped.

And even if poly is taken out of the equation, if there is a meh relationship, and lack of self esteem, and unhealthy habits of communication, and taking each other for granted, etc., the marriage is probably doomed anyway.

I don't think it's lost on anyone that life is too short and regret runs deep for the things we didn't do. In your case you regret the extra 15 yrs. From an intellectual hindsight 20/30 :D prospective have you ever or do you ever regret marrying him in the first place? (Take the kids out of that equation if that helps.) Or is it you just wished you ended things way way sooner?

Hm, that is a good question. I'd have to say I have no regrets. I am who I am, I had a certain upbringing and cultural "brainwashing..." between the 1950s "good girl, good wife" idea and the free love ideals of the late 60s. So I had a wild teenagerhood, a long period of monogamy and fulfilling motherhood with a pretty decent guy, and then once the kids were grown, a need for more freedom. I don't spend any time, really, beating my breast for anything I wish I could do over. I separated from my husband at age 54, with plenty of good years left, and healthy sex drive, and retaining some good looks, etc., and have been enjoying the new lifestyle I created ever since.
 
The discussion has gotten sidetracked by whether or not avoiding a truth is a lie. I'd say it's worse.
________________

When you're unable/unwilling to discuss something, it's poison. It's a huge lawn, & just one little black spot you need to fence off, so no biggie, right?

A topic that can't be discussed, or even broached, requires that stuff related to it take on toxicity, because venturing into those areas might unintentionally lead to the landmine. The little black spot now has a brown ring, so you put up a bigger fence, but no problem.

Avoiding those fringe-area subjects means avoiding other related thoughts -- don't look too close or they'll drag your line of sight to that little black spot & the thought of what's "hidden" there might start to haunt you. Look away, look away.

Brown spots start to pop up randomly on the lawn. At each, something there reminded you of the black spot & its environs. Probably nothing significant... but when you've got that huge lawn, & an unlimited supply offencing, why run the risk of setting off some sort of chain reaction?

One day, you realize that you can't walk a straight line across your lawn for all the fenced-off spots. You begin to wonder who's to blame for limiting you.

Good metaphor. It resonates with me. Looking back on my marriage, my poly nature did cause more and more fencing off to be necessary. Once I had read the Ethical Slut, and found the courage to come clean, it felt so freeing to be true to my authentic self! The grass truly was greener on the other side of the fence.
 
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