Poly bf doesn't want me to see other people

Niluag

New member
My bf of about a year and a half broke up about over a month ago bc of tension in our relationship. I am completely in love with him and he is in love with me. He confesses that the reason he wants to breakup is that he believes he wants to pursue a polyamorous lifestyle and didn't think I would be OK with it and he didn't want to put me through that. However he said he is online with me and wants to spend his whole life with me. I consider myself to be an open minded person so bc I love him I feel that I need to accept who he is. And I am willing to give this lifestyle a try. I do not want another partner so we are on a mono/poly relationship. However he has confessed that he would not be okay with me wanting to see other people. He said that it's because I am his main person and wants to keep it that way. That he doesn't care if his other partners want to see other people but not me. Is this common at all? He doesn't see a problem with it because I don't have the desire to look for more people. I just think that even if I don't want to see other people, it is weird that he wouldn't be OK with it. Any thoughts?
 
It's not cool that he has a double standard in this area, definitely. If his logic is that he cares too much for you and is worried that another person would steal you away from him, then why should you not be worried about the same? If he's unwilling to put as much work as you into overcoming his insecurities, then I'm not sure *I'd* have that much respect for him, but you might think differently. Besides, just because you don't want another partner right now, it doesn't mean you will always feel that way. I think it's healthier all round if you both have the same freedoms as each other; voluntarily choosing to not exercise a given freedom is completely different to not being given that freedom in the first place. Just ask any human rights activist ever.
 
voluntarily choosing to not exercise a given freedom is completely different to not being given that freedom in the first place.
This.
However he has confessed that he would not be okay with me wanting to see other people. He said that it's because I am his main person and wants to keep it that way. That he doesn't care if his other partners want to see other people but not me. Is this common at all?
I think it IS a common feeling. You have all sorts of worry and jealousy about the partner that you already know well, much more then about some hypothetical future partner. Does 'not being ok' mean 'won't allow', or 'will have to do a lot of work'?
I wouldn't get back with him unless he's willing to put work in.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I just think that even if I don't want to see other people, it is weird that he wouldn't be OK with it. Any thoughts?

Say NO. Stay broken up and focus on you healing instead of accepting his offer for a new dating model.

I could be wrong. But to me? It just reads like mind games wrapped up in "lovey dovey" language so you don't notice the mind games. Offering you "poly as a whitewash" and not actual poly. Slippery slope there, so tread carefully.

Stripped of emotional language? Here's what I see as far as behaviors:

  • Guy dates you for a year and a half and successfully inspires emotional attachment in you.
  • Then he dumps you for no apparent reason rather than do up front conflict resolution.
  • A month later he dangles this new offer for getting back together "I get to date/fuck other people. You do not." But packaged up in a dramatic "confession" and some dramatic sounding "you are my one true love" stuff.


So basically he inspires emotional attachment, then emotional withdrawal, then tries to get you to do stuff he wants when you are all rollercoaster. How this nice treatment? :confused: To me it sounds like emotional manipulation. (Or emotional back up FOR HIM -- like he tried poly dating on his own for a month and isn't successful yet, so wants to have you around for back up while he keeps trying to make it easier on him.)

I have some questions for you to think about when you evaluate this situation. You don't have to answer here. Just think about them...

1) If he's wanting poly, why was he dating you mono? Why hide it? Just to get emotional clutches on you? That lacks honesty and seems sneaky.

2) If he didn't know he was poly and discovered it along the way, why does he lack faith in the relationship of 1.5 years and emotional courage/honesty to come right out and say it? He likes making drama? Can't do conflict resolution appropriately? That lacks honesty and respect.That also seems to lack "long haul" relationship skills like good conflict resolution. If he cannot make it fly smooth with just one partner (you) how is he going to make it fly with many? That sounds like a potential mess you are best free of.

3) If he dumped you to spare you upset and drama and not "put your through all that"... why's he coming back around to bring you upset and drama to your doorstep and put you through all that?

4) Why's this new model all about him and what he wants or needs? What about what you need? I'm not hearing anything he offers to do for you in this new dating model where he can see other people and you cannot. It's all stuff for him or his benefit.

5) When people break up they are sad and they go through this "withdrawal" phase where they want the person back so they stop hurting. It's brain chemistry. Why's he asking you to make big life changes while you are still dealing with a break up? Hoping to knock you off balance so you agree to whatever he says? How's that kind or loving behavior toward you?

6) What do YOU want from YOUR relationships? Do you want/need honesty and up front conflict resolution in your healthy relationships? Do you want/need to be free of unnecessary drama or emotional manipulation? Do you like "emotional roller coaster" types of relationships?​

I consider myself to be an open minded person so bc I love him I feel that I need to accept who he is. And I am willing to give this lifestyle a try.

It is possible to accept poly him without dating him to "prove" your acceptance of his poly-ness or to prove your open-mindedness. I suggest you do that. Just accept he is poly, and wish him well. But stay broken up because poly dating is not your preferred way of going. Don't do it just to remain in his orbit. That's not doing poly because you want to do poly. That's doing poly to avoid feeling yucky break up withdrawal feelings.

Look out for yourself better. Take a time out. Heal from the break up. Later if you want to polydate yourself because you love the idea poly-dating for yourself, you can seek poly partners who are honest, and forthright from the beginning and not playing games.

This one doesn't sound worth your while to me. You might love him, but that alone is not enough. It must come coupled with respect and good treatment.

You deserve to be treated well. After investing 1.5 years into the relationship, if he's still not treating you well and respectfully? Instead he's doing up and down mind games? Cut your losses. You might get some love sugar coating here but you just are not going to get respectful treatment here to back it up. Talk without action is cheap.

It doesn't sound like he wants an equal partner. To me it sounds like he wants an attendant -- this "main person" job is what? To be his back up plan when his other relationships go haywire? That might be great for him but I do not see how that is great for you.

Decline the new offer. Stay broken up.

That is what I would do in your shoes.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Niluag,

Your boyfriend's attitude is certainly common enough, lots of people want the benefits of poly without letting their partner have the same benefits. It's common enough, but that doesn't make it okay. You can certainly still be his main person even if you see other people, so his rationale does not make sense. Having an open mind about poly is great, but that doesn't mean you have to do it his way.

I would suggest not getting back together with him unless he is willing to have the same standard for both of you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I have talked to my boyfriend again and explained how I felt about this situation. I actually write everything down and had him read it and asked him to not tell me anything and to think clearly about it and maybe talk about it with someone. And we talked afterwards and he told me that I am right and that should have the option to date other people and for him to try and make it work and put in effort like I am doing now. He says he now understands why it was not OK for him to not be OK with me dating. I still don't want to date anyone right now but I feel a lot better knowing that he is willing to do what I am now doing for him.
 
Glad you talked. I hope that what he says now is something he can follow through on. And not just saying whatever to get you to stay.

Galagirl
 
Yeah, what GalaGirl said. I am happy for you that things are looking up.
 
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