Help! Coming out to my partner...

Descant

New member
Hi everyone, I'm new here and am still figuring myself out. A bit of history...

I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years now, and we have plans to get married sometime in the next few years. I love him unconditionally and no matter what I want to be with him.

However... About 7 months ago I fell in love with another man. My boyfriend's new roommate nonetheless. I couldn't help it, it was love at first sight, which I didn't even believe in. I will call him CJ for the purposes of this post.

For months I have been trying to suppress my feelings for CJ, but him and my boyfriend have become best friends, and he now lives in the same building as me. I have told my boyfriend that I find CJ attractive, and he was not upset at all at me. He said as long as it doesn't affect our relationship, that it doesn't bother him. And that's just the thing... Falling in love with this other man has not affected my love for my boyfriend one bit. I love them both and I want them both.

Like I said earlier, they are best friends, and they often joke about being in love. I am a jealous person, and usually the thought of him being with someone else bothers me, but I actually think they would be great together, and would be totally supportive of it. But I also still want them both. I thought I was crazy for a while, but then I learned about polyamory and triads. Now I realize not only is there a word for what I have been longing for, but there is a whole community of people that are living that lifestyle. It gives me hope.

But now, I am faced with the challenge of finding a way to bring this up with both my boyfriend and CJ. They both identify as straight, so I worry they wouldn't feel comfortable in a triad, but I would probably still be happy in a V. I simply don't know how to bring it up with them, and I worry that my boyfriend will think I love him less, which is simply not true. I also worry that maybe CJ doesn't have any interest in me at all, and wouldn't want to be in any sort of relationship with me outside of friendship. We are friends, but we have never done any form of flirting because my relationship is currently monogamous and I want to honor that. I would never cheat on my boyfriend. So before anything moves forward, I need to have a discussion with him.

Does anyone have any advice for how I might bring this up with him, and tips for how to navigate this difficult conversation? Also, is there anyone out there in a triad that could tell me a little bit about how you got into one, and what that is like? I have never been in any sort of poly relationship, and I have no idea what to expect.
 
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Well only you know these people and how to deal with them. I suggest taking it slow. Maybe casually mention it somehow. See what sort of reaction you get.

If they are both straight you should put the triad idea out of your head. That's just going to add a complication you may not be able to get around. Make the V your goal.
 
I'm new to this forum myself, and I've found that the people here are really kind and helpful.

Like many will say here, plan on having this conversation in several mini parts. Start slowly, introduce the idea little by little. Don't drop it all at once like "listen, I identify as polyamorous and I'm in love with CJ. What do you think about forming a V?"

I came out to my husband by warning him that I had something really important to tell him. I handed him an article to read about it, then I very emotionally told him that it described how I felt. It was pretty tough and he was really quite shaken. But it turned into an an amazing conversation that took us both deeper than we'd ever gone in our 5 years of being together. We shared some really personal things with each other and it was beautiful.

But it has been an ongoing discussion for a year now and we are only just beginning to approach a point where he might be able to accept my having other relationships.

So, I want to encourage you by saying that it is possible to achieve what you want, but be realistic about the fact that your bf might be caught completely off guard by the very idea of poly. It's a tough one for those who have never considered or felt it.

Be patient (it's really hard!), be compassionate, be understanding, and best of luck!
 
Thank you both for your replies and encouragement!
Just for a little more background, my bf grew up in a very conservative home, and has never explored his sexuality. However after 7 years of knowing him, I have never heard him make a single comment on a woman's attractiveness, yet he makes comments frequently about male attractiveness. Perhaps he is simply trying to not make me jealous, or maybe there is some other reason, but I have had a sneaking suspicion for years that he might be bi, but afraid to admit it because of his upbringing. I have tried to bring it up, but he seemed uncomfortable talking about it so I haven't.
This is why I was considering the possibility of a triad. If I knew he was absolutely straight, I would not have even brought it up. But as it stands he may just still have exploring to do. Which makes me think a poly relationship would be perfect so he could figure himself out without feeling like he's betraying me.
Of course this is all speculation, which is dangerous. But in the end I just want what's best for both of us. Whether thats a triad, or V, or some thing else entirely. Either way, I will be bringing this up slowly and gently...
 
Thank you both for your replies and encouragement!
Just for a little more background, my bf grew up in a very conservative home, and has never explored his sexuality. However after 7 years of knowing him, I have never heard him make a single comment on a woman's attractiveness, yet he makes comments frequently about male attractiveness. Perhaps he is simply trying to not make me jealous, or maybe there is some other reason, but I have had a sneaking suspicion for years that he might be bi, but afraid to admit it because of his upbringing. I have tried to bring it up, but he seemed uncomfortable talking about it so I haven't.
This is why I was considering the possibility of a triad. If I knew he was absolutely straight, I would not have even brought it up. But as it stands he may just still have exploring to do. Which makes me think a poly relationship would be perfect so he could figure himself out without feeling like he's betraying me.
Of course this is all speculation, which is dangerous. But in the end I just want what's best for both of us. Whether thats a triad, or V, or some thing else entirely. Either way, I will be bringing this up slowly and gently...

Even if he is bi, there's no reason to think he'd:
1. find the same guy attractive that you do
2. That he'd want to explore his sexuality with the same person you're sleeping with/dating
3. want to explore it in the pressure of a group setting
4. want to explore it while in a relationship
5. There is a difference between bisexual and biamorous. He may be one and not the other.

Bi =/= wanting to sleep with both sexes at once, necessarily. It just means someone can be attracted to both sexes, not that someone wants to sleep with both sexes at one time. Some bi people are very monogamous and/or don't like threesome sex at all.

I know it sounds "perfect" to you, but you are looking at it through the eyes of a fantasy, not reality. Even if he agrees to poly, a "V" is the far more likely outcome. And, incidentally,g enerally the more stable one (just do a search here on "Triad"). Not that a triad couldn't happen, but it's the least likely outcome of this scenario.
 
I have had a sneaking suspicion for years that he might be bi, but afraid to admit it

I am a big, big proponent of keeping life as simple as possible. I think if you are going to attempt to sexually turn his world around with poly, it sounds like you will have more than enough on your plate without turning it upside down as well. Keep the exploration of his sexuality for a much later project, once poly has been well bedded down.



Regarding introducing the subject to him, can I suggest that if he had conservative upbringing and that influences his notions about life, love and sex, sound him out about FFM threesomes? Exploring that idea as a fantasy/hypotheticals should give you a lot of insight into a lot of things to do with what he thinks and feels as well as provide a foundation on which to slowly build further conversations and get some ideas of his limits before actually starting the conversation on poly per se. Progressive, gentle, and subtle transitions will almost certainly be a lot more helpful than short, sharp shocks. Take things slowly, listen to his replies, take the time to think about them and plan how you can shape the next conversation to build on what he has said.

I am a jealous person

Before you do anything else, sit down and really examine how your would feel and react if your bf ended up falling in love with another woman. Run thought-experiments on the situation. Imagine him going out to spend a Saturday afternoon with her and how you would feel knowing that they were going to have sex that night while you are at home kicking about with nothing much to do? And what about her wanting to take him out for dinner and back to her place his birthday? The idea of you, him, and CJ in a V is *your* fantasy at the moment, but what if it becomes a reality? What precedents does it establish for your future relationships? If you expect him to deal with you loving and having sex with a close friend of his at the same time as you being his gf, then why can't he expect that you do the same with an as yet unknown 4th party? You are asking him to make massive steps in evolving his mental and emotional life in order to accommodate your feelings. Could you do the same? Do you love him enough to ask of yourself what you ask of him?

Someone here recently told the story about how he had a fantasy about watching another guy make love to his wife and he pressured her into consenting. When it all happened, he discovered he really didn't like the actuality, but his wife dug it and became 'poly' while he sat at home and dealt with the emotional consequences of his fantasy become reality. In short, be careful of opening Pandora's Box!

Of course, its not all doom and gloom- so many people on this forum have navigated those kinds of questions (and much more difficult ones) successfully- but being a jealous type, its something you need to confront in yourself before anything else.

/Adam
 
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Hi Descant,

I am thinking that the first talk you have with your boyfriend should be the one where you let him know you have feelings for CJ. Have this talk in a quiet, comfortable setting, without distractions. And prepare yourself for him to take the news badly because he might, no matter how well you deliver it.

Truth is, he might take it badly and then only take it worse as time goes on. Some people just aren't cut out for poly/nonmonogamy. I don't mean to fill you with horror, I'm just saying it wouldn't be your fault if that's what happened. Anyway, there's a good chance that he'll take it well and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

If you're willing, let us know how the conversation goes.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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