Confused, and help needed. Poly/Mono

eggishmage

New member
OK, so here's the sitch. I've been in a committed relationship with my fiancee for 7 years. We have two kids together, shared responsibilities and all that real life stuff. We rely on each other financially and for emotional support. Long story short, there has been some distance between us the last few months which ended with her slipping and things happened with her and another guy that she had fallen for. This was at the beginning of March. I figured out something was wrong and managed to pull it out of her. We talked a lot and hurt a lot, but eventually came up with polyamory as perhaps the cause of all of it. We dug into it, I read a lot, and it made a lot of sense to me, based on what I know of her, and her past.

So we agreed to give it a shot. I've been doing a lot of work trying to wrap my head around all of it. And we've been trying to be more open and honest with each other. Going through all the typical am I not enough stuff, I don't really believe that I'm not enough, I believe her when she says she still wants to be with me even though there's someone else. I guess those aren't the issues, even though they still crop up sometimes.

I'm a bit of a loner, she's a bit of an extrovert. Not extremely, but definitely in comparison to me. And this is where it gets confusing. We've always had a way of doing things. She likes going out to hang out with friends every other weekend when they have shared time off. I've never had any issue with that, I've been content to let her go whenever she wants as long as she doesn't start neglecting her familial duties, and I'm pretty fine with spending nights by myself, watching stupid movies she's not interested in and working on my art. I have no problem being alone with myself. I don't really feel I have self esteem issues, I like who I am for the most part, I like what I do. And this is going to be exactly the same. This new guy is one of the people she'd been hanging out with. She's going out the exact same days, nothing is really changing at all save that it's going to be more than just friends stuff. So why am I suddenly having so much trouble with it?

I am having troubles with this for reasons I don't fully understand, especially with the date fast approaching where things are going to go all the way with her new partner. I don't understand why it's bothering me as much as it is. I felt gutted and hurt when she told me it was going to happen. And it just kind of feels like all the work I've done up to this point has sunk down the drain and I'm back to how I felt at the start.

I don't really have anyone else I hang out with or confide in apart from her, mostly because I don't really desire it. When we met, I was content being by myself and doing my own thing. I don't have any problem with friends or such, I just find it all kind of exhausting. But with her it was different, i have no problem being around her, and she's actually pretty much everything I would look for in a human, she really is all I really want. This bothers her in some ways, she feels that if she were ever to leave I'd be screwed. And she feels guilty that I'm not the same thing for her even though I assure her that it's ok, and that I do understand, even though it's tough sometimes. And I don't feel I'd be screwed if she left. It would be pretty devastating, but I feel I'd eventually deal and move on if that ever happened, and probably revert to my hermit like ways.

I've been reading about co dependence and all of that, and I don't think I am. I don't feel I am even though sometimes it might seem that way. I'm very passionate about her though, and very determined to make this work, and I guess that might sometimes come off as desperation and clingyness, but I just want to keep it going because I feel like there's no reason something like this should ultimately split us apart. I feel there's still a lot of joy and adventures for us to experience together. But I don't know, do I sound codependent?

I think the biggest issue for me is that the more we talked, the more came out. She confessed that pretty much our entire relationship, she'd had crushes on other people, some so intense that they sent her into depressive states because she felt horrible about herself for being with me, and feeling these things for others. It didn't really hurt to hear, and I assured her it was ok, and that I wished she'd told me, because I would have understood. But the problem with it all, is that I never once saw any of it coming. When I looked at her I was sure that I had eyes for no one else, and she assured me she felt the same. And she did, except there was a but...and that but is hard to overcome after 7 years of thinking things were a certain way when it turns out it wasn't. It almost feels as if I looked away for a second, and when I looked back, everything I thought I knew had been pulled out from under me. And it wouldn't have mattered I find. if she'd known from the start that she was poly, I still would have jumped in. I don't really have a problem with it. It's just hard to reconcile these feelings, I don't really know what they mean. I feel like it's not as simple as poly for me. I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of something that I thought I knew but I guess never was.

I don't know, maybe I just haven't had enough time. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, just some thoughts from people familiar with all of it I suppose. Can this work? Impressions in general? Anything I could think about could be helpful. Sorry about the novel, my head is a big mess of competing issues, all tied together in intricate ways. It's very hard to make sense of.
 
Welcome, I and a lot of other people here understand what you are going through. It can very daunting and tough.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

That should help with some of the feelings your going through. This website will help a lot too. It's been a wealth of knowledge because most of what i am /was going through others have on here already and have talked about it.

I am by no means an expert or anything, but My wife and I went through similar things. I was very mono and she I am pretty sure was poly all her life. It takes a switching of the mindset to accept poly. I still have struggles. It can work, but it's really how accepting you are of the different mindset and how you guys work together. Best of luck through this journey.

-J
 
I am sorry you struggle.

Long story short, there has been some distance between us the last few months which ended with her slipping and things happened with her and another guy that she had fallen for. This was at the beginning of March. I figured out something was wrong and managed to pull it out of her.

Cheated on you. She doesn't come clean / does lies of omission. You have to "pull it out" of her.

It almost feels as if I looked away for a second, and when I looked back, everything I thought I knew had been pulled out from under me. And it wouldn't have mattered I find. if she'd known from the start that she was poly, I still would have jumped in. I don't really have a problem with it. It's just hard to reconcile these feelings, I don't really know what they mean.

It maybe means you are (mad/sad/resentful/something else) that she was not emotionally honest from the start.

You sound like you value honesty in your relationships. And like you do not value being blindsided.

You have new poly agreements today. I hope they include safer sex practices.

You know she's not always been honest in the past with you or kept her past agreements. So you maybe you wondering if she will break agreements again and you'll be blindsided again. Not just emotionally, but physical healthy also. That's not a comfortable feeling. ARE you feeling this?

To protect your sex health you could not share sex with her without condoms, get tested, not share sex at all. But even that doesn't solve trust stuff, and at core this is trust stuff sounding.

Have you guys had enough time to heal from the cheating before jumping into her dating new people? Cheating in March and poly in mid April -- that's super fast to me. The dude she is having a date with -- that's not the cheating partner is it?

Have you had time to heal? Have you guys had enough time to rebuild trust? Is she trustworthy?

"Add more people to date" is not a solution to "problems with honesty/trust."

"Poly" is not a solution to "cheating."

I almost feel as if I'm mourning the loss of something that I thought I knew but I guess never was.

You pretty much call it right. You ARE mourning.

Your past picture of her was not accurate, and now that you see her in a new light, you mourn that loss. Your picture of what kind of relationship you shared was illusion too. So you mourn that loss also.

Even if things were solid and healthy before, changing to a poly model can have some hellish moments of their own. But you did not start from solid/healthy. You two started from cheating. There's work to do in healing from cheating first.

So you are choosing to stack one heavy emotional process (heal from cheating) on top of another (deal with poly stuff) by the sound of it. So of course you feel (stressed/discombobulated/ugh) from the amount of load.

You could LISTEN to what your feelings are telling you. Too much, too fast.

That's why I asked if there's been enough time to heal for you from the cheating thing in MARCH before starting a new poly thing MID APRIL.

Where's the fire? Could take it one thing at a time here.

she feels that if she were ever to leave I'd be screwed.

That sounds messed up. Kinda conceited. Sheesh.

I don't feel I'd be screwed if she left. It would be pretty devastating, but I feel I'd eventually deal and move on if that ever happened

You seem to have a realistic handle on that. It would stink if it ended but you would cope. It isn't like you would fall apart to pieces and be "screwed."

I'm very passionate about her though, and very determined to make this work.

So you are willing and able to put effort into it.

Where's she on her willing and able?

Your (willing and able) alone is not enough to make a shared thing fly.

I just want to keep it going because I feel like there's no reason something like this (the cheating affair) should ultimately split us apart. I feel there's still a lot of joy and adventures for us to experience together.

That sounds like "bargaining stage" to me in the stages of grief over being cheated on. Does she share that belief? Or not so much? Because her lack of willingness to be here COULD split it apart. You cannot force someone to participate in something they do not want to participate in.

Your 100% effort is does not replace her effort that is required in a shared venture. Each one has to carry their part of the stick and do their share. Is she doing it?

Let me ask you this -- was cheating her exit strategy? Did she want you to dump her for cheating so she could be free of this relationship? Because she thinks if she ends it directly, that is screwing you over and that makes her feel guilty? So she prefers YOU ending it so she doesn't have to be the "bad guy" for ending it?

Again... have you both had enough time to process the cheating and heal from it and square up first? Before attempting to poly? Right now you sound like you guys are entering it too fast and kinda wonky. :(

Galagirl
 
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Welcome, egg -

You don't sound co-dependent at all, you sound normal - in the sense that this is how most people do relationships in our culture. "I like you, you like me, let's never think about that ever again." A monogamy mind set works for a great many people, but there is growing cultural conversation whether the "one and only" expectation works for as many people as we like to believe. You need only look at the prevalence of cheating to see that "normal" is to have strong desires for more than one partner, but to not have the first idea how to make that OK. But whether wanting others is normal or not doesn't make wanting just one "co-dependent."

Allowing for polyamory in a previously monogamous relationship requires enormous generosity, empathy and willingness to look inside - all of which you demonstrate in your OP. Many people are able to make this evolution in their LTR and there are some good resources to help ease your trip down the same road. I subscribe to this Yahoo group as a way to gain a better understanding of my mono husband's POV and the active members seem to be quite thoughtful and sensitive. Unlike articles, which are helpful in a different way, ongoing discussions among real people in relative real time can add a sense of camaraderie and understanding in your life, much as this forum can.

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/PolyMono/info
"This list's primary purpose is supporting monogamists dealing with polyamory....
We assume everyone here is sympathetic to the difficulties inherent in a mono-poly relationships, and that we are seeking to make these relationship work.....
Above all, this list is to be a safe place where people feel free to share real life without fear of repercussions. The emphasis of this list on expressing feelings, giving practical suggestions, and telling what has worked or not worked for you. We ask that all members post from the perspective of personal experiences and their own mental/emotional processing...."



That said, I think GalaGirl has a point that you would do well to really listen to your heart here. I'm of the mind that cheating isn't necessarily the death knell of a relationship if both parties are able to and want to work their way through it. But you sound like you're not anywhere near ready to move on to an open poly relationship. GalaGirl wisely says that "poly is not a solution to cheating" and I agree. You can't possibly be OK with opening your relationship just so that she can shoe horn in a new guy. Your feelings of trepidation right now are definitely telling you that there's a lot more to this than she's "wired" for poly and you're not.
I am having troubles with this for reasons I don't fully understand, especially with the date fast approaching where things are going to go all the way with her new partner. I don't understand why it's bothering me as much as it is. I felt gutted and hurt when she told me it was going to happen. And it just kind of feels like all the work I've done up to this point has sunk down the drain and I'm back to how I felt at the start.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.



Cheated on you. She doesn't come clean / does lies of omission. You have to "pull it out" of her.


It maybe means you are (mad/sad/resentful/something else) that she was not emotionally honest from the start. And that later she was not honest and cheated rather than give you a heads up and then proceed to dating.

The thing with this is that she wasn't really honest with herself from the start. She didn't even know poly was a thing until this happened and she started looking into it. She felt that mono was what you had to be and just decided to suffer in silence and feel like she was crap whenever an attraction came up.

You sound like you value honesty in your relationships. And like you do not value being blindsided.

Definitely, but I understand where she was coming from.

Though you have new agreements today - you now know that she's not always been honest in the past with you. So you maybe have to be wondering if you'll be blindsided again. That's not a comfortable feeling. Are you feeling this?

To some extent, yes. Although I find a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just can't wrap my head around the concept in some ways. Hard for me to imagine having two relationships like this, can't imagine how you'd actually manage it. In my mind it really feels like she'll eventually have to choose.

Have you guys had enough time to heal from the cheating before jumping into her dating new people?

You can't ever know for sure till you get to it, but I think so. She basically cut off all contact with anyone but me since this all started and we've been working together to sort through it all. And like I said, it wasn't full on cheating, she did stop things before they went too far.

Had time to rebuild trust? Is she trustworthy?

I do trust her. She's given me little reason not to up till now. She's always been up front with me, and this thing, though I pulled it out of her, she made it pretty obvious that there was something that needed to be pulled. She has a lot of trouble bringing stuff like this up, always has. And she was absolutely terrified that she destroyed everything. I could see that much.

"Add more people to date" is not a solution to problems with honesty/trust.



You pretty much call it right. You ARE mourning.

Your past picture of her was not accurate, and now that you see her in a new light, you mourn that loss. Your picture of what kind of relationship you shared was illusion too. So you mourn that loss also.

Even if things were solid and healthy before, changing to a poly model can have some hellish moments of their own. But you did not start from solid/healthy. You two started from cheating. There's work to do in healing from cheating. Poly is not the bandaid for cheating.

So you are stacking one emotional process thing on top of another here by the sound of it.

That's why I asked if there's been enough time to heal from the cheating thing in MARCH before starting a new poly thing MID APRIL.

Sometimes it does feel like it's going too fast, but I don't think the cheating thing is why. I don't even really give it much thought really.

Where's the fire? Could take it one thing at a time here.



That sounds messed up.

I think it's a societal brainwashing thing. Something I've long observed anyway, there seems to be this stigma on people who prefer to fly solo, like theres something wrong with being by yourself all the time and not feeling like you really need anyone around. It's a stigma thats often associated with phsychopaths and serial killers. It can be difficult for people who love being around others to understand. I've seen the same views from many who look at my antisocial ways as if theres something wrong with me.

You seem to have a realistic handle on that. It would stink if it ended but you would cope. It isn't like you would fall apart to pieces and be "screwed."

It's mostly that i'd be coping on my own I think. She has many people to turn to to council her through any grief she might experience, where i only really have me. I don't think she understands that that's enough for me.

So you are willing and able to put effort into it.

Where's she on her willing and able?

Yours alone is not enough to make it fly.

She's asked me many times what i need from her to make things work. I'm not really sure myself though, so I don't know what to ask her for.

That sounds like "bargaining stage" to me in the stages of grief over being cheated on.


Does she share that belief? Or not so much?

Your 100% effort is does not replace her effort that is required in a shared venture. Each one has to carry their part of the stick and do their share.

Let me ask you this -- was cheating her exit strategy? Did she want you to dump her for cheating so she could be free of this relationship? Because she thinks if she ends it directly, that is screwing you over and that makes her feel guilty? So she prefers YOU ending it?

Again... have you both had enough time to process the cheating and heal from it and square up first? Before attempting to poly?

Galagirl

It wasn't like she was really hiding that something was wrong, it was pretty obvious to me that she was completely distraught and was trying to work up the nerve to talk to me about something. I basically just started the conversation that something was wrong, I can tell, what is it? She spilled pretty much everything instantly. And it definitely wasn't an "I want you to break up with me so I don't have to" thing, she was absolutely devastated about it, she was so positive she'd destroyed everything. It was all very confusing to her, and I can understand why.

While she's always had these polyish feelings, she didn't even know that poly was a thing until recently. She always just felt that she was supposed to be monogamous cuz thats what you do, and felt like a horrible person every time she started feeling for others. She kept it quiet, not because she wanted to be deceitful, but for fear that it might drive me away I suppose? I think she was probably in denial herself, and I definitely can give her credit on the trust thing, because she's told me about everyone she's crushed on since we've been together, and she's had more than enough opportunities to "slip up" with any number of them, but held on to the idea of being faithful until recently. And it's a two way street in this sense, I can admit that I have done my part in the distance thing, I wasn't giving her the attention I had been, and can definitely admit I was taking things for granted. It's all a good recepe for disaster.

As for the cheating thing, I don't know that I ever took that much issue with it, it wasn't full on cheating, she stopped it before things went too far, and there was a ridiculous amount of alcohol involved. And she was pretty obviously killing herself over it the entire time before she told me. I don't really think about it and feel hurt or betrayed oddly enough. I just see a set of circumstances that led to the event, and I understand them. Even when she told me, I expected it to burn but kind of just rolled off me. Maybe it's just because things didn't go too far, I'm not certain, but I don't feel like it really damaged me, it hurt, certainly, but I don't know, never felt like it was a huge deal.

As far as her feeling like I'd be screwed, thats a societal thing. If people don't wanna play and prefer to sit alone in a room by themselves then there must be something wrong with them right? Thats how most people think. You watch the news about serial killers and psychopaths, and it almost always comes up that they were antisocial and all that. And extroverts especially, have trouble understanding how anyone could possibly handle it. I've gotten it from many people. She thinks I'd be "screwed" because I'd have no one to turn to with my grief but myself. And as someone with so many to help her through crisis, she might not be able to conceive how that might work. But here i've been alone, dealing with all this poly stuff by myself, and I've been doing ok.

She seems willing to do what it takes though. She keeps asking me what I need her to do in all of this. I'm not really sure myself what I need her to do to make this transition easier. But she made it pretty clear to me that she never even thought of not having me along side of her through all of this. She made it pretty clear that when she looks to the future that i'm there, just where I've always been. I will admit though, that the thoughts of whether she's just sticking around out of guilt have cropped up and do plague me on occasion, but she denies this is the case. But I have considered that possibility. I'm not sure about the being ready thing. It's probably something only a mono could answer, do you ever really feel ready?
 
Thank you for clarifying.

Then it sounds like she's been uncertain in herself and confused. She could become more sure/firm in herself first. I think she could get to know herself as a poly person first before entering into active poly dating.

"Slipping up from being drunk/confused" in March and "coming out" to herself and to you as poly? Fair enough. People make mistakes. And that's a load to process.

Jumping into poly-dating unprepared or underprepared -- she is not drunk now too, right? You are not drunk? So... where's the fire? What's the excuse? :confused:

She thinks I'd be "screwed" because I'd have no one to turn to with my grief but myself

You can hire a grief counselor. Talk to your friends and family. Call a hotline. Introverts have options.

She seems to have some weird thoughts there sometimes. Like she has "tunnel vision" and cannot see outside the box. She wants what she wants and cannot imagine it not playing out how she wants it.

She seems willing to do what it takes though. She keeps asking me what I need her to do in all of this. I'm not really sure myself what I need her to do to make this transition easier.

How about SLOW DOWN? Coming out to herself and you in March to taking a new lover in April is pretty darn fast. You guys are not single adults. You have kids along for the ride.

I am having troubles with this for reasons I don't fully understand, especially with the date fast approaching where things are going to go all the way with her new partner.

Do you think all your poly safer sex discussions have been thorough? Reasonable, realistic safer sex agreements made? Both of you been tested? New dude been tested? How to handle a condom breaking and potential pregnancy? Then what?

What open model are you trying to practice? Are all participants on the same page? Do you all agree on how to do effective conflict resolution if problems need solving?

Have you both read enough about poly in general?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

Have you both assessed if you are actually ready for changes? These worksheets may be helpful:

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

If you become a poly network of 3 or more... How's the engagement/wedding plans work out then? No longer applies because you entered that as a duo and now you are not a duo any more? What if she doesn't want to marry you? Or the other partners want no marriages in the network?

Do you both expect genetic monogamy? And no other children other than the ones that are here already?

I don't feel like it really damaged me, it hurt, certainly, but I don't know, never felt like it was a huge deal.

Maybe it doesn't bother you. Maybe you are still in "shock/denial" stage in the stages of grief. Gone numb so it doesn't whoosh up on you. I am not reading that you are taking some time to discern which it is.

I am reading that you are confused and uncertain. Are you willing to take time to "unconfused" and become certain?

But she made it pretty clear to me that she never even thought of not having me along side of her through all of this.

That sounds like naiveté at best, or taking you for granted (which is not kind.) Again with the "tunnel vision" and not seeing outside the box.

Because maybe you both agree to try poly on and find one does not like it and wants out. You guys break up. Now what?

Are you guys entering into it prepared for that? Custody, coparenting, financial entanglements, etc?

I think it is easier to talk about it now before it is needed and have it NOT be needed after all. Than to begin to talk about how to end things well when it is all chaotic AND there's another person and their feelings in the mix.

I'm not sure about the being ready thing. It's probably something only a mono could answer, do you ever really feel ready?

100% ready? No.

"Ready enough to feel ok taking the jump?" Yes, that is possible.

Your emotional readiness is something only YOU can answer. But you can do some things to become "ready enough."

Entering into it after both read X things, or entering without reading X things? That IS measurable. There are poly resources online and in books. Meet ups, gatherings, etc. Being more aware/educated about poly hell and about pitfalls doesn't mean you will NEVER trip, but might mean you handle it a bit better if you do.

Entering into it knowing each other's preferences for parting ways peacefully if it comes to pass vs entering it into it without knowing each other's preferences at all? That IS measurable.

Made provisions for the children or not? That IS measurable.

Each with their own income stream or not? That IS measurable.

I suggest you slow it down a bit and talk more first. You do not sound ready. Again, could listen to your feelings. Not be in such a rush.

Galagirl
 
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She does definitely have an air of uncertainty about herself. She's a lot more confident about herself now than she was when we met, but I wonder sometimes if it's enough. I have to admit, in a lot of ways I actually think I'm more ready for this than she is. She really is coming from a 'live in the now" perspective, and has often moved like this. She gets an idea in her head, and just goes for it, without giving a lot of hard critical thought to what might happen and whether it's even worth the risks. It's tough to really talk to her when she's like that, because she's absolutely convinced that it's what she wants. Stubborn I guess. And it has been throwing me quite a bit. I can't wrap my mind about how she seems so calm and certain about all of it, where's the doubts and fears?

I have to admit, since all of this started, I feel deep in my gut that this is going to be an absolute disaster, and not in a "I'm going to get hurt" sort of way. She's totally optimistic about it, perhaps blindly so, so she isn't really seeing it the way I am. She doesn't have the really critical eye that I do. I've envisioned plenty of scenarios where this works, and everyone lives happily ever after, but I've envisioned just as many, if not more, where it all just crashes and burns. And in most of those scenarios, it's her who loses, not me, sometimes everything. There is no fire. There never is. But it's how she seems to approach everything, not just this. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my thinking that something is off here though. I really should have asked for advice a long while ago.

Thanks for the reading material, I'll definitely give it a look over.
 
Glad the links help.

I have to admit, in a lot of ways I actually think I'm more ready for this than she is. She really is coming from a 'live in the now" perspective, and has often moved like this. She gets an idea in her head, and just goes for it, without giving a lot of hard critical thought to what might happen and whether it's even worth the risks.

Sigh. That right there? Would make her a "non-dateable" to me.

I don't want to truck with reckless, unthinking people. It's like some people who just plop on the waterbed without thinking that it makes waves and sets all the other people sitting on it wobbling and falling out. That's inconsiderate and kinda fresh. They are all like "Wheeee! Cannonball!" and when everyone else is UGH and pissed off? They are all "surprised" the others are not having fun too.

And I think it's a shame. Because if it were just you two in the mix? That would be one thing. You guys are adults. If this is her character and typical way of going? And you've long known it? You signing up to play with her in polyship would be just you taking the dings. You chose to go there with that kind of person.

But it is not just you. You have TWO CHILDREN. They do not choose poly. They are stuck to go along for whatever ride the parents pick. I think it is possible to raise healthy children in healthy polyship. I also think it is also possible to really mess the kids up if there's a unhealthy poly dynamic.

Tread with caution. If mom's hell bent going off to Wonky Town, you as the dad need to be the stability person for the kids. That might mean making it so you and the kids are out of the line of fire.

It's tough to really talk to her when she's like that, because she's absolutely convinced that it's what she wants.

When you want to share your concerns and talk what does she do? Call you the party pooper? Sit and work it out? What?

Because if she is saying this...

She seems willing to do what it takes though. She keeps asking me what I need her to do in all of this.

If she is not wanting to sit and talk and address your concerns and work things out? Blows you off like you are some worry wart party pooper?

Then you may have to accept she doesn't MEAN "I am willing to do what it takes to work this out and do it in a healthy way so all persons involved can feel ok enough."

She might mean "I am willing to do what it takes so I get my way when I want it. Screw the rest of you. I want immediate gratification!"
And part of your (grief process/awakening process) may include adjusting your picture of her from "sweet and clueless, but sometime stubborn" to "unthinking, inconsiderate and selfish."

I'm not trying to bring you down here. Just concerned that you are destined for a mess if someone doesn't put some brakes on. :(

Saying "Go slower, be easy on me" is not you saying "no" to poly. It is asking for her to be aware and mindful that she's not a footloose single here. You guys have deep entanglements with the kids and finances. What she does can and does affect the rest of the family.

I have to admit, since all of this started, I feel deep in my gut that this is going to be an absolute disaster,

I hope she comes to her senses and SLOWS DOWN.

But if not, what are you doing to get you and the kids out the line of fire? Minimize the fallout from disaster?

Galagirl
 
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She wants to sit and listen to my concerns, but her reaction to it is usually pretty overblown and overdramatic. We had an issue a while back, about her seeing this person again, and I aired how I felt, looking for some common ground on how to address it and deal with my specific concerns and how I had no problem with her seeing him again, and what we might do to ease those concerns and her reaction was basically that she should cut off all ties and just stay home all the time. She gets very over emotional when stuff like this comes up. I was floored, because it seemed relatively small to me, and we eventually talked it out and addressed my issues, but that's always how it seems to start. it starts with this huge over reaction, but once she calms down and realizes that I'm not asking her to give up her whole life, we can usually come to some sort of agreement. It's complicated, because I know why she is this way, I won't get into it too much cuz it's not my place to say, but she's not had a very easy life, childhood in particular, it's left her pretty messed. She's suffered from depression pretty much her whole life .

And yeah, the kids. It makes it all so complicated. I think what it comes down to is I'm going to have to change myself. I'm pretty passive, not really confrontational, laid back. I think I'm going to have to be made of sterner stuff and really put my foot down on these issues, no matter what the reaction might be, or the outcome.
 
That sounds like emotional disregulation. A lot of drama. So she's impulsive and flies off the handle over small stuff? Going to extremes?

Is she borderline personality disorder? Is that what you have on your hands?

If you think so, you might head over to Out of the FOG. Check out those resources.

If it is other issues... she could solve those first. Past issues are not present day EXCUSES. She could work to become more healthy in herself, get the depression under better management, learn to keep her temper and do her emotional regulation rather than have a cow at people.

Poly is more people, and more people = more intensity. It might sound fun, but it won't be for her depression if she's unmanaged.

Offering herself up as an unhealthy poly dating partner is no prize. Healthy people would avoid all this mess with a ten foot pole. And the only people that would attract would be even MORE messed up people than her.

You probably don't want that around you or your kids. :(

I think I'm going to have to be made of sterner stuff and really put my foot down on these issues, no matter what the reaction might be, or the outcome.

Yup. Just tell it like is for you. Speak your truth.

"No, I am not up for poly with you until X things are resolved and depression under management. If you want to go ahead without doing those? Go without me. I decline to participate."

She can go on to Wonky Town without you. You do not have to follow.

It sucks, but you going with her wouldn't solve anything and you have kids to watch out for.

I am so sorry you deal in this. :(

Galagirl
 
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I've actually wondered, and she has too, if she's not bi polar or something like that. It's messed, and it's quite clear to me now that we do need to slow things down. I'm going to talk to her tonight, it's not going to be an easy discussion, but I'm going to try and calmly present these things to her and figure it all out.

As for the kids, I'm thinking I'll probably end up sending them to their grandmothers for a while. She loves em and takes good care of them. At least till any fallout from what's happening here clears up.

I hope it goes well. I do firmly believe that she wants to make this work, I just think she's too blind to see how potentially destructive this could all be. I'll definitely let you know how it goes in any case. Thanks so much for the perspective, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in thinking this is all wrong somehow.
 
Glad grandma can take the kids and give you the time/space to have the conversation in. I hope the talk goes ok.

I do firmly believe that she wants to make this work, I just think she's too blind to see how potentially destructive this could all be.

Her WANTING to make it work is not the same as her being ABLE to do so.

Like if she were literally blind or deaf. Her WANTING to see or hear? That doesn't mean she is ABLE to see or hear. Mere WANTING it won't make it so.

Hang in there -- google more about the Cluster B things. If what is actually needed right now is her seeking a dx, hold off on the poly thing. First things first.

Galagirl
 
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Sorry, this is a bit of a tangent from where the discussion has gone. I just wanted to say that no, you don't sound co-dependent. Regardless, you might benefit from developing or rekindling one or two very close friendships. I know that's easier said than done. Can require a lot of searching and work. I'm suggesting it because it can take the edge off the kind of emotional turmoil you're going through.
 
Hi eggishmage,

Re (from OP):
"I don't know, do I sound codependent?"

Not that I can tell. Why, do you think you might be?

Re:
"Can this work?"

Probably.

Re:
"Impressions in general?"

You spoke of mourning and I think you are mourning the loss of the monogamous relationship you thought you had. You probably need to work your way through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. You may have to experience some of the stages more than once.

True your wife deceived you to some extent, in that she didn't admit (until now) that she was having feelings for other men, but she was probably keeping quiet about that because she was afraid of how you'd react, and probably afraid you'd be hurt. Not that it excuses the fibbing, but try to cut her some slack as mainstream society doesn't prepare us for polyamory. She mentioned that she felt guilty about her extramarital crushes and that, too, probably discouraged her from confessing.

I can see the wisdom in taking things slow. A couple of good books to read (to prepare for polyamory) are "Opening Up" and "More than Two."

Good luck; keep us posted if you're willing.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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