Survival guide for dating a mono

So now I have stuck my tongue in Trucker Petes's pink cheeks?....wow, so much for being mono!

Sorry, I'm not really into that. Try a couple of inches up. :rolleyes:

So your into tongues in your nose then?? :eek:

Something about this whole conversation reminds me of a Christian Slater movie... "Love and Kisses to all your pink parts" ?!!? :p
 
so mono ideas? As you know I'm newbie exploring sexuality and sexual relationships. Currently have quite a shiney intense emotional thing going on with a lovely polly couple (incidently met introduced through okcupid, cheers ceoli, may owe you a pint) but as he lives in another town (we've met but there's no immediate chemistry) she lives in another country(not physicaly met her yet) Anyhow the emotional security they provide has made it easier for me to go dating in my town. Met a guy the other night,had bumped into him at acouple of events, so asked him out, through the evening got physical hots for him, and signals of reciprocity. Thing is he's indicated that he may be monogomously inclind, we haven't had much time to talk about it, and i don't know if its an idea he's encountered before. He knows I'm poly. I am v attracted physically but i also want to know/get involved with his mind. Any thoughts?
 
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I'm a mono currently in a relationship with a poly and I get on very well with and accept his relationship with his 'other'. In face her and I have become very close friends. I am the one he wants to be with but he says she is also 'very special' and I'm not at all threatened by that,its actually his mono ex girlfriend that is more bothersome lol.
He said to me tonight that he thinks we all 'work' is because even though we aren't all poly we just accept people for who they are and don't try and change them! :)
 
The other side of the coin

Last night a new friend to our ever growing community asked if we could get together to talk. She is very mono it seems but working at building a relationship with her recently declared poly boyfriend. I agreed without hesitation and then thought about the impact of any comments I may have for her.

I spoke to Redpepper about my concerns and she pointed out that I should get our friend to thnk and answer questions for herself as opposed to actually injecting my opinions.

Anyone on here who knows me is aware that I am not a big fan of mono/poly relationships. I am even a bigger non-fan of two people starting thier relationship lives with this type of hurdle (and it is a hurdle). But I do know they work :) My biggest concern is always that each partner has not got to experience a meaningful relationship with some one who feels the same way about how love is shared and expressed.

She is young and as far as I know has never been in a long term committed monogamous relationship. Immediately I have to swallow my snap assessment and understand what I say to her could not only affect her actions but also the heart and happiness of her boyfriend. I don't know either person very well but still care about them as human beings and have a responsibility not to sabotage anyone's natural relationship progression.

So I thought I would put together some questions that I will ask her to make her think and then hopefullly be a little more prepared and willing to choose the best path as she sees it.


Does she truly feel monogamous?
Has she ever felt a romantic connection with more than one person? Can she see a benefit to being open for the development and expansion of her own relationships? Is she more traditionally conditioned mono; influenced by the expectations of society and family? Is she internally mono, wired to only have one romantic connection as I like to personally put it.


What has she experienced?
Has she felt what it is liked to be someone's "one and only"? To have some one give themselves to her willingly the same way she gives herself? Not controlled but a willing gift of exclusivity as is the core principle of true monogamy - a gift, not a shackle. This is important because more than likely she will get the "grass is greener" feeling in her relationship. I personally feel it is very important to experience the grass on your own side of relationship nature before venturing into another.

What are her relationship goals short term and long term?
Short term mono/poly is arguably much easier to enjoy than the expectation of long term commitment depending on what the individual wants
Is she a person with traditional relationship aspirations? Will she want a standard wedding with traditional vows. If there is no long term commitment ideals such as kids, house, marriage, and retirement planning then I am much less reserved about exploring different relationship types to in fact have "experiences".


How important is societal blending to her?
Is she prepared to stand her ground and push for at least acceptance of how she loves with family, friends, co-workers and neighbors or will she ok with keeping secrets about the reality of her life?

Who are her close friends and how will they react?
I lost most of my old friends but don't fault them. I am just too far off their scale of comfort. I have made some very good friends though. Is she willing to accept the potential loss of her regular crowd to be replaced a crowd of people who largely have different views than she does? I still struggle with this at times and have become almost like a half-member of both, fading in and out of tangibility.


What will her parents think? For some of us, parental acceptance is not that important in many ways. For others it would be crushing to be cut off from our parents pride and endorsement of those we love. It's hard to have a family bbq when your partner is not welcomed by your parents or siblings because they "cheat" on you. I would be very concerned if my daughter committed to a relationship with a polyamorous guy and I live this life quite happily. Imagine if I didn't have a clue about poly? I'd be waiting for the cheating bastard on the doorstep :mad: You get my point.

What is her boyfriends idea of poly?
Is he looking to add a specific person or persons or is he wanting to be open to all and any relationships that may present themselves?
Is she prepared to share him? To have him come to her bed after sharing another woman's? Can she imagine them together and still embrace him fully? He deserves her untainted love if she goes down this path. He can't expect to have a partner who is holding back for the duration of their relationship. If she can't face the reality of his other relationships how can that be healthy for her or him long term? Is she prepared for an ongoing cycle of his interest in others? Flirting, discussing boundaries, the first night they have sex, the meeting of people he is NREing over? Will she always be worried about every social thing he attends for fear he is "hunting" or being hunted?

So I plan on meeting her and asking questions more than giving my own perspective. She will probably ask why I am so happy with my relationship and my short answer is always, my mono needs were met and the planets basically had to align for me to be happy in this...truly happy. Yes I have my worries and areas of concern but every night I go to sleep and morning I wake up I am happy in knowing I love Redpepper and we are family.

Those moments before sleep and just after waking are very telling times for me. They are the gauge of my health and happiness.
 
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This is absolutely brilliant, Mono.

Thanks Geminigirl. Somtimes I find it easier just to turn away from people for fear of damaging thier relationship potential with my own feelings. Redpepper is showing me ways to be helpful and not feel like I am actually hurting the potential of people who want this dynamic to work. We misssed you last night! :D
 
It's good that you have the questions to ask so that she can examine what being in a mono poly relationship might mean to her down the line. I also think that at least at first it's probably good to reserve your oppinion until you have a better idea of who she is and what she wants out of life.
 
It's easy to understand a mono, to a mono love is like a secret shared with their favorite person. To a poly love is like a weekly flyer posted on telephone poles.
 
HI GUYS.

Firstly whenever I read "mono/poly" something twists inside me. mono/poly is actually 'monopoly' and the very first thing a monogamous person has to come to terms with is that they can never have a monopoly over a polyamorous person. That's why I always refer to it as 'polymono'. Might sound silly but for me there is a depth of meaning in words.

Mono I feel very similar to you about giving advice and I think it is a wonderful idea to ask questions rather than share our experiences which will could very well colour their experiences. I am quite surprised by your first question though "Does she feel truly monogamous?" . I thought in that workshop you did with RP you tried to get away from the whole idea of labels? I'm wondering at the moment if we actually do ourselves a disservice by identifying so strongly with monogamy. It is a label that initially gives us comfort, context and a tribe but I don't think it does us much good long term.

What I found recently is that a lot of pain has come up from me, triggered by polyamory but actually having nothing to do with polyamory. It's old childhood stuff. The whole mono persona just added an unnecessary layer of cultural baggage that I had to address before getting to the real issues.
 
I like labels for many things...PN is more of the getting away from them guy. But I understand the reasoning and think he and Redpepper are very wise in wanting to see past them.

I am monogamous..and proud of it :)
 
Thanks RP, I realised it was old but misread the date on Mono's list. I didn't realise that was old too. Although it seems by his comments he likes his mono label.

I don't think I like mine anymore. I know I came to this place a number of months ago but I seemed to get sucked back into the cultural norm of monogamy. Maybe because you Mono, are so immersed in poly culture it doesn't have the same affect on you. But I seem to find identifying as mono in a polymono relationship sets me up for a gigantic self-pity party. Polyamory brings up enough stuff for me without having to hack myself out of the "one true love" story, that pops up everywhere. I've decided to try putting it away as simply a story that I no longer choose to identify with.
 
Although it seems by his comments he likes his mono label.

Yup :)

but I seemed to get sucked back into the cultural norm of monogamy. Maybe because you Mono, are so immersed in poly culture it doesn't have the same affect on you. .

I work in a completely mono culture (on the outside..what people do in reality is far more diverse I'm sure). The guys I ride with are all in the mono culture and many of my close friends are very mono. The thing is, I have never been fully apart of any large community. If something happened to me and RP I would undoubtedly slip back into the mono circles I am used too..that's just natural I think. There is always a little comfortableness when I interact with people who don't fully know our dynamic. I've just learned to live with it.

Oddly enough, I use the label of mono within the poly community as a signal to others not to bother approaching me...but I do like to flirt ;) I am more hesitant to tell my mono friends that my girlfriend has others partners but I don't want any...then they really can't see anything in it for me and I think tend to judge me as being per-verbally "pussy whipped".

Meh.....screw it. I ride my own ride and live my own life. What everybody else does is up to them.
 
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