My husband just came out as being poly. At this point its all new to us and he doesn't want to have actual sex at the moment but be able to form new relationships. I am struggling with this because we have been together for over 22 years and married for 9. He has no problem if I want to pursue a relationship and understands that I am not wanting that. I just really need advice from another mono as to how they handle this. We have already discussed rules and what I am comfortable with him doing with someone else. All of this is actually bringing us closer because we don't have anyone else to talk to about this. He actually felt relieved he wasn't alone with this because a part of him felt he was being a selfish jerk. Any advice from someone in the same type of relationship would be most helpful. I love him dearly and he loves me. I want him to be happy but feeling insecure at the moment because of this.
Hi, dolphins,
I understand that after such a long time together, this must have come as quite a shock. You seem to be adjusting to the concept, at least, fairly well and appear to have a generous spirit which is commendable.
Let me ask... does your husband already have a specific person (or people) in mind that he wishes to connect with on more than a platonic friendship level... or is this just him "coming out" as something he has always known about his own nature, but was too afraid or conditioned by societal expectations to discuss prior to this?
It's good that you two are taking it slow, and discussing options and boundaries quite openly before anyone dives head-first (no pun intended) into another serious sexual relationship. If you haven't already, may I suggest you listen to some podcasts on polyamory, read books such as The Ethical Slut, and check out websites such as More Than Two (preferably discussing these together).
Now to get brutally frank... while your husband may claim that he isn't especially interested in having "actual sex" with somebody else just yet, it is almost inevitable that that WILL happen at some stage, now that you've opened the Pandora's Box of possibilities. Be prepared that this might happen sooner than you're expecting and try not to lull yourself into a false sense of security by telling yourself he just wants to connect emotionally with others. Occasionally that may be the outcome, but it'd be unusual.
Some women feel more insecure about the idea of their partners sharing sex with someone else after so long as a mono couple... but many more feel even more threatened by their partners developing actual feelings of love for another woman. You may already know which camp you fall into, and (in the early stages at least) it would be wise to work any boundaries and agreements around what you're most comfortable with. In time, you will hopefully become less anxious about these things and may need less in the way of information sharing, hard limits and any veto agreements you may have negotiated.
Good luck.