My husband is poly and I am mono, new for us

dolphins71

New member
My husband just came out as being poly. At this point its all new to us and he doesn't want to have actual sex at the moment but be able to form new relationships. I am struggling with this because we have been together for over 22 years and married for 9. He has no problem if I want to pursue a relationship and understands that I am not wanting that. I just really need advice from another mono as to how they handle this. We have already discussed rules and what I am comfortable with him doing with someone else. All of this is actually bringing us closer because we don't have anyone else to talk to about this. He actually felt relieved he wasn't alone with this because a part of him felt he was being a selfish jerk. Any advice from someone in the same type of relationship would be most helpful. I love him dearly and he loves me. I want him to be happy but feeling insecure at the moment because of this.
 
My husband just came out as being poly. At this point its all new to us and he doesn't want to have actual sex at the moment but be able to form new relationships. I am struggling with this because we have been together for over 22 years and married for 9. He has no problem if I want to pursue a relationship and understands that I am not wanting that. I just really need advice from another mono as to how they handle this. We have already discussed rules and what I am comfortable with him doing with someone else. All of this is actually bringing us closer because we don't have anyone else to talk to about this. He actually felt relieved he wasn't alone with this because a part of him felt he was being a selfish jerk. Any advice from someone in the same type of relationship would be most helpful. I love him dearly and he loves me. I want him to be happy but feeling insecure at the moment because of this.

Hi, dolphins,

I understand that after such a long time together, this must have come as quite a shock. You seem to be adjusting to the concept, at least, fairly well and appear to have a generous spirit which is commendable.

Let me ask... does your husband already have a specific person (or people) in mind that he wishes to connect with on more than a platonic friendship level... or is this just him "coming out" as something he has always known about his own nature, but was too afraid or conditioned by societal expectations to discuss prior to this?

It's good that you two are taking it slow, and discussing options and boundaries quite openly before anyone dives head-first (no pun intended) into another serious sexual relationship. If you haven't already, may I suggest you listen to some podcasts on polyamory, read books such as The Ethical Slut, and check out websites such as More Than Two (preferably discussing these together).

Now to get brutally frank... while your husband may claim that he isn't especially interested in having "actual sex" with somebody else just yet, it is almost inevitable that that WILL happen at some stage, now that you've opened the Pandora's Box of possibilities. Be prepared that this might happen sooner than you're expecting and try not to lull yourself into a false sense of security by telling yourself he just wants to connect emotionally with others. Occasionally that may be the outcome, but it'd be unusual.

Some women feel more insecure about the idea of their partners sharing sex with someone else after so long as a mono couple... but many more feel even more threatened by their partners developing actual feelings of love for another woman. You may already know which camp you fall into, and (in the early stages at least) it would be wise to work any boundaries and agreements around what you're most comfortable with. In time, you will hopefully become less anxious about these things and may need less in the way of information sharing, hard limits and any veto agreements you may have negotiated.

Good luck.
 
To answer

He does seem to have a work crush and the other person is married as well so at this point he just wants to be closer friends.

I have laid out right now what I am comfortable with since this is all new to me and he is fine with what rules I have which is basically no intercourse or overnight trips. He actually says he feels fine with that and it could be months before he actually does something. In the meantime we keep practicing what I am comfortable with has actually led to us having hotter sex because he gets worked up from what he is can do but knows at this point he will only be having sex with me. I haven't said no he can never ever but I do need time to adjust to this new relationship for us. He also knows that I am his primary relationship and that I do come first. He also isn't sure how much of a relationship with someone else he wants. He does prefer caring but doesn't want someone who is going to make demands of his time or relationship with me.

Thank you for the links, we are still looking into everything and how this will work because neither of us have stopped loving each other nor do we want to stop being together anymore.
 
My husband just came out as being poly. At this point its all new to us and he doesn't want to have actual sex at the moment but be able to form new relationships. I am struggling with this because we have been together for over 22 years and married for 9. He has no problem if I want to pursue a relationship and understands that I am not wanting that. I just really need advice from another mono as to how they handle this. We have already discussed rules and what I am comfortable with him doing with someone else. All of this is actually bringing us closer because we don't have anyone else to talk to about this. He actually felt relieved he wasn't alone with this because a part of him felt he was being a selfish jerk. Any advice from someone in the same type of relationship would be most helpful. I love him dearly and he loves me. I want him to be happy but feeling insecure at the moment because of this.

I understand your husband feeling selfish. We live in a society that says that anything other than monogamy = fear of commitment, selfishness, etc. I am glad you are willing to work through this with him. However, I do implore you to have a serious conversation with yourself about this. Polyamory isn't just sex. It is relationships, falling IN LOVE with other people for many of us. Sure, there can be non-monogamy without love. But Polyamory - as in the very WORD- comes from the Greek and Latin meaning "many loves." You have to be honest with yourself about whether you are okay with this, and if so, how to move forward. Poly/mono relationships CAN and DO work. Personally, I admit, not a fan, never again. But...you obviously love your husband so you're in the right place to look for help/opinions. Good luck.
 
Hello dolphins71,

I am thinking that you will probably be feeling insecure for awhile, there is an adjustment period and it is not easy to get used to poly. It's good for you to be on this forum; read and post a lot, there is a lot to learn here, and your fellow members can help you with that.

Right now your husband wants an emotional relationship with someone. And he knows who it is. Is that one of the reasons you're feeling insecure? or is it more worrying about the future? Do you fear that your husband will lose interest in you if he gets involved with someone else?

How long has he known he's poly? Is this something he recently realized about himself, or has he known for a long time and just didn't dare to tell you? What about this forum, is he thinking about joining here? Would you want him to do that?

Keep talking with us, and we'll keep trying to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi dolphins,

I've been in a similar situation so any mention of struggling, feelings of insecurity etc. are very familiar. I think you're off to a good start by beginning a discussion with your husband about it and by reaching out for support.

One challenge I faced while figuring things out was that my relationship with my partner up until he began a new relationship was rather codependent. Re-establishing independence was crucial, though an additional challenge lies in achieving this while maintaining closeness.

I think it's also good to not push yourself, identify what you're comfortable with, what your sore points are, talk about them. Perhaps you feel the pressure to accommodate your husband out of your love for him and overstep your own limits. Perhaps he will misjudge and overstep them. How you feel about a certain situation or development will almost certainly change over time, but it cannot be done forcedly without severe repercussions.

I hope this all turns out to be something good for you, too!
 
My husband just came out as being poly.
Actually, at this point he's NOT "poly." Has he had multiple intimate relationships in the past, before he met you? Maybe he someday hopes to become nonmonogamous, or at least likes to think he might be up to the possibility.

It's not uncommon that someone will "drop the 'poly' bomb" when they are fixated on a specific other, perhaps have already had sex with them. In those instances, claiming "poly" is a post hoc rationalization for infidelity & lying.

He has no problem if I want to pursue a relationship
They almost always say that. They are usually wrong: there've been some amazing jealous displays from a person with another lover when their partner so much as shows interest in casual dating.

We have already discussed rules and what I am comfortable with him doing with someone else.
That's really very good... so long as you understand that you don't yet even know how to frame the questions that will need to be asked & answered. Everything seems MUCH easier when it's theoretical.

a part of him felt he was being a selfish jerk.
And the onus is still on him to continue proving otherwise.
 
Good on your partner for bringing his feelings and desires to you! Contrary to the previous poster, I'd argue that sexuality and sexual orientation (with monogamous/polyamorous being an orientation spectrum) is not demonstrative. I knew I was bisexual long before I started having sex with men. And I've been polyamorous all my life, I just didn't know how to express that or feel a desire to act on it before my marriage opened.

As to your actual situation, I've been somewhere similar. My husband expressed interest in a work friend to me and we decided to approach it slowly and thoughtfully. He also said he would support me also pursuing relationships, which I eventually took him up on (since I realized I'm not mongamous, either) and we have both been polyamorous for quite some time. I'd recommend the website and book "More Than Two" as reading. It helped me immensely. If nothing else, it gave me things to think about that I hadn't thought about before, and gave me good ideas for questions to raise and things to discuss with my husband.

The most importantthings are communication and allowing yourself to feel your feelings without beating yourself up about them. Wishing you the best of luck!
 
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