Mono, new to poly, consfused.

NJP

New member
Hi, I'm new to the site, new to the idea of polyamory too.

I've recently been getting to know a girl, (known her for years, but recently a lot better) - She told me pretty early on that she was Poly, was in a relationship with two other guys and a girl (two are in a relationship with eachother too)

I live in her home town (her family is still here), but she is currently living in another city. Only one of the three people she's dating live in her city.

Now I have not been in many relationships, was with a girl for 8 years, married, she cheated on me. Since then (9 years ago) I was briefly involved with 1 woman, but that was just a confusing mess.

I have a tendency to overthink, over-worry. So I needed a sounding board, so I hope you guys can give me a bit of advice/support.

I've been reading about Polyamory. Compersion is definitely something I can feel, as I have felt it before. So the concept of her having meaningful relations with other people, is not the part that is worrying me. I'm also not a jealous person at all.... so that part is kinda the simple part.

I was watching a youtube video and one of them mentioned that Polyamory was a way of "diluting" the love - spreading it among many people..... this doesn't sound right to me, and not how she described it to me..... but nonetheless it concerns me. But I mean, a parent doesn't love each of their children more/less - just differently..... but with me being completely alien to Polyamory I have no idea....

Now if this was a mono/mono relationship forming, I wouldn't have concerns - she and I shared a real connection, and the chemistry between us is unmistakable - the physical distance at the moment makes it difficult, I will only see her again in a few months, but in a mono-mono situation I know that she is looking forward to seeing me then as much as I am her...... but because she has other partners, I worry that the flame will die before it even got a chance to light properly.....

I also feel a little bit like a home-town backup plan. Like, someone she can be with when she returns home...

Now all of this said - I can also see how this really works too - I am happy that she has happiness - she's an amazing woman. I also am quite devoted to my work, so a fulltime girlfriend would probably not be happy with me at the moment anyway; I wouldn't be able to give the relationship as much time as a mono girl would probably want.

I probably have more I could ramble about, but I might leave it there for now... eager to hear everyone's thoughts/comments

Cheers,
N
 
Hi, N, and welcome to the forum!

I was watching a youtube video and one of them mentioned that Polyamory was a way of "diluting" the love - spreading it among many people..... this doesn't sound right to me, and not how she described it to me..... but nonetheless it concerns me.
It might feel that way to some people? I guess? But that hasn’t been my experience at all! I love each of my partners with my whole heart, and though I necessarily divide my time between them, I make it a point to be fully present with whoever I’m with at a given time, to the best of my ability. Really, since I am trying so consciously to stay engaged, it’s probably enhancing my time with each of them if anything.

the physical distance at the moment makes it difficult, I will only see her again in a few months, but in a mono-mono situation I know that she is looking forward to seeing me then as much as I am her...... but because she has other partners, I worry that the flame will die before it even got a chance to light properly.....
I hear you, long-distance is hard! My sweetie is two time zones away, and I won’t see him for another five months or so. :( But every relationship is unique, every partner important, and spending time with my nesting partner (husband, in this case) is no substitute for spending time with my sweetie. I can be lonely for my long-distance partner in a crowd!

That said, to whatever degree you’re able (with your busy work schedule) you can help her keep you in mind, with little texts or emails or gifts... whatever works for the two of you!
 
I was watching a youtube video and one of them mentioned that Polyamory was a way of "diluting" the love - spreading it among many people..... this doesn't sound right to me, and not how she described it to me..... but nonetheless it concerns me. But I mean, a parent doesn't love each of their children more/less - just differently..... but with me being completely alien to Polyamory I have no idea....

This was from a poly person? I don't believe that's how it works with most poly people. I would go with what she described as she knows how she feels about it better than some random youtube person.

Now if this was a mono/mono relationship forming, I wouldn't have concerns - she and I shared a real connection, and the chemistry between us is unmistakable - the physical distance at the moment makes it difficult, I will only see her again in a few months, but in a mono-mono situation I know that she is looking forward to seeing me then as much as I am her...... but because she has other partners, I worry that the flame will die before it even got a chance to light properly.....

I also feel a little bit like a home-town backup plan. Like, someone she can be with when she returns home...

Now all of this said - I can also see how this really works too - I am happy that she has happiness - she's an amazing woman. I also am quite devoted to my work, so a fulltime girlfriend would probably not be happy with me at the moment anyway; I wouldn't be able to give the relationship as much time as a mono girl would probably want.

I probably have more I could ramble about, but I might leave it there for now... eager to hear everyone's thoughts/comments

Cheers,
N

A lot of this is your own self image.

I've had LDRs. I missed them when I was gone and looked forward to seeing them again. An LDR can be difficult to maintain. The usual mono relationship escalators are not there unless someone wants to move. That someone would probably have to be you.
 
Thank you both for your comments.

..... I make it a point to be fully present with whoever I’m with at a given time, to the best of my ability. Really, since I am trying so consciously to stay engaged, it’s probably enhancing my time with each of them if anything.

Thankyou - certainly the time i have spent with her so far has been completely focused, so thankyou fro reminding me of that.

That said, to whatever degree you’re able (with your busy work schedule) you can help her keep you in mind, with little texts or emails or gifts... whatever works for the two of you!

I already have been, so that's good, makes me feel a heap more relaxed.


A lot of this is your own self image.

Yes i was aware of this - I realise that so much of this is because i'm fairly novice to relationships in general, so i freak out a bit much - thank you for pointing it out - it helps me keep myself in check :D
 
Hi NJP,

It sounds like you have some concerns about poly, like you fear that you are replaceable, like you fear that your girlfriend will lose interest in you. Being somewhat long-distance with her is part of the problem.

One thing you have to decide is, do you want to be in a relationship that causes you to have these misgivings. Perhaps it's not worth it. If it is worth it, ask yourself what your girlfriend can do to reassure you. If there's nothing she can do, then you'll have to manage your emotions.

A link that might help you is, Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin, yeah, i guess i do have some concerns about poly, but hey, considering I've only been introduced to the concept for less than two weeks, I think I'm doing ok with the thought... As a mono person of 33 years, it's kinda rocked my world view. What i do know is that I've fallen for such an incredible woman, I'm prepared to challenge my world views.....

What an amazing video that was - has brought up a lot of thoughts. Thanks!
 
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