Spork
Active member
My feelings are incredibly mixed on all of this. Because I am doing it in reverse.
Started as poly, then "went mono." And the thing about that...I do feel like there is a more special special-ness to this thing between Zen and I, now that it's only the two of us in my sexual relationship network. I am full of this desire to give him so much. The colors of the memories of sex with other people are fading in my mind and ours are so bright and intense. And time, I want to give him any time I can...I want to live with him and give him everything I am and have to give anyone. Do I feel that if, one day, I say to him that things have changed, and my heart now desires others, and I want to be poly again...that would diminish us somehow? Well, yeah. Mostly because of the finite resource I can only call "energy." It's time, but it's more than that. It's effort. It's thought. It's making sure everyone has a gift on holidays, it's being there for people, it's all of the personal STUFF you've got to give in a relationship and when I was trying to divide that stream four ways, it was making me a little crazy after a while. And as I began to have more and more of it flowing to Zen like a force of nature, the other streams started to just dry up. It just happened.
Now...I do definitely get the concept of "infinite love" in theory. And like the analogy of multiple children where you still love the first when the second is born...but at the same time, there did come a point where I actively prevented more than two kids from being conceived by me because I did not wish to divide my resources, like time, money, and ENERGY, more ways than that.
So...yeah, I do see where the monogamous folks are coming from here.
Bottom line though, I'd question how major and significant is this thing to the person who contemplates "coming out" to a mono partner. Is this something you are curious to experiment with and maybe explore? Is this something that is a deep and serious hardcore TRUTH? Are you simply unhappy in the original relationship, needs not met, and think that poly will be a viable fix? Like I would do a bunch of processing and mind-work first, maybe even some counseling, and really weigh up the situation before bringing it to my partner. And frankly, my agreement with the "lawn spots" analogy depends a lot on the gravity of the polyness to the person in question. Like I have noticed men in my world that I fleetingly thought, "wow, look at his build...I wonder what sex with him is like" and momentarily flash-fantasied it. And then poof, the entire thought is gone. Do I need to share that with my mono partner? I do not think so. And while I'm quite fine with him pointing out to me appreciation of a particularly beautiful woman, I'd get sick of it VERY QUICKLY if it were every five minutes and every woman on the street...even if the thoughts WERE going through his mind.
But if he was seriously considering acting on an attraction, or if I were? Oh yeah, we definitely need to talk! But either of us would know, that is a big step and yes, you do have to weigh "what happens if mono partner cannot handle this and it ends us?" And decide if it's important enough to be worth it.
Started as poly, then "went mono." And the thing about that...I do feel like there is a more special special-ness to this thing between Zen and I, now that it's only the two of us in my sexual relationship network. I am full of this desire to give him so much. The colors of the memories of sex with other people are fading in my mind and ours are so bright and intense. And time, I want to give him any time I can...I want to live with him and give him everything I am and have to give anyone. Do I feel that if, one day, I say to him that things have changed, and my heart now desires others, and I want to be poly again...that would diminish us somehow? Well, yeah. Mostly because of the finite resource I can only call "energy." It's time, but it's more than that. It's effort. It's thought. It's making sure everyone has a gift on holidays, it's being there for people, it's all of the personal STUFF you've got to give in a relationship and when I was trying to divide that stream four ways, it was making me a little crazy after a while. And as I began to have more and more of it flowing to Zen like a force of nature, the other streams started to just dry up. It just happened.
Now...I do definitely get the concept of "infinite love" in theory. And like the analogy of multiple children where you still love the first when the second is born...but at the same time, there did come a point where I actively prevented more than two kids from being conceived by me because I did not wish to divide my resources, like time, money, and ENERGY, more ways than that.
So...yeah, I do see where the monogamous folks are coming from here.
Bottom line though, I'd question how major and significant is this thing to the person who contemplates "coming out" to a mono partner. Is this something you are curious to experiment with and maybe explore? Is this something that is a deep and serious hardcore TRUTH? Are you simply unhappy in the original relationship, needs not met, and think that poly will be a viable fix? Like I would do a bunch of processing and mind-work first, maybe even some counseling, and really weigh up the situation before bringing it to my partner. And frankly, my agreement with the "lawn spots" analogy depends a lot on the gravity of the polyness to the person in question. Like I have noticed men in my world that I fleetingly thought, "wow, look at his build...I wonder what sex with him is like" and momentarily flash-fantasied it. And then poof, the entire thought is gone. Do I need to share that with my mono partner? I do not think so. And while I'm quite fine with him pointing out to me appreciation of a particularly beautiful woman, I'd get sick of it VERY QUICKLY if it were every five minutes and every woman on the street...even if the thoughts WERE going through his mind.
But if he was seriously considering acting on an attraction, or if I were? Oh yeah, we definitely need to talk! But either of us would know, that is a big step and yes, you do have to weigh "what happens if mono partner cannot handle this and it ends us?" And decide if it's important enough to be worth it.