Shift from Poly to Mono (Long)

Chasing - revisited

A couple weeks ago I blogged about not understanding chasing relationships (as poly or as mono)

In another venue today I read where another mono in poly was commenting how her man has no desire for guy friendships - only with girls. and how he always wants friendships only with women he finds sexually attractive, and that she doesn't think he's capable of a truly platonic friendship with a female - he will always want to take things further.

One of the reasons I disabled my OKC and asked P to block for only member to see his profile.. he was telling me he was only seeking platonic with these other women. Was hard /is hard for me to fully believe when other than where he had listed in Looking for "new friends" he was not transparent in any way I could see that it was seeking platonic only.. he described the type of women he found enticing, kept all the questions about sex, kept the q's that said he was always interested in seeking new relationships and that he did "open relationships only." With all that out there, how could I listen to just the words he was telling me about not seeking others as absolute truth when what he put out publicly screamed to me that he was at least in theory open to more? I'm not saying he was lying to me, but actions and my perceptions and my interpretations made it soooo FREAKING hard to fully believe.

And when he couldn't show me tangibly that he was clear. OK - message a poly gal who lists mew friends alongside dating, and get so far in messaging and calls and texts that she wants to come visit, and he hasn't told her clearly?!? WTF!

Honest with me? Honest with her? But most importantly, is he truly honest with himself?

A cousin of mine with a history of life-threatening pregnancy & special needs baby got pregnant. Her mom asked the other daughter - was she trying to get pregnant? & the reply was - If she wasn't using birth control, she wasn't trying not to.

So if he was not transparent & blatantly clear with women who were also seeking relationships beyond platonic, how could they know what his intentions were either? Hedging bets? I don't freaking know. And it KILLS me.
If he doesn't tell them, is he wanting them to want him, or to be hopeful that it may go in that direction? Is he afraid they won't invest the energy into messaging & getting close if they believe it won't go further?
If his intention is clear to him, why isn't it easy for him to be clear to others, and to be open to me that he is?

If I tell the truth I have nothing to hide. If I try to hide stuff, it doesn't necessarily mean that I have lied... but it does plant huge seeds of doubt.

And these seeds of doubt that are sown in my head makes it that much harder for me to get over the whole mess. I want to trust him. I want to believe every word he tells me. Yet at same time, gimme proof that he can do it (at least until that trust is built back up.) I do believe, but niggling seeds of doubt - is that being realistic or over the top insecure?
P wants me to pledge my undying 100% belief in him. I want to.
No he didn't cheat on me physically as far as it got, so does that mean there was no real betrayal?
Trust is built and earned after it has been damaged. I gave it freely and it was crushed. Not just here, but seeds from when a former friend tried to trap him. Just be transparent. You never have to remember who you told what & no chance of getting trapped in anything except honesty & truth - which yes - those can hurt & kill a relationship too.
Grrr - why can't i just let this go?
Beats head against wall
 
Peaceful for the moment

Last night was so hard.
Stayed up until after I had fallen asleep at the computer. Went to bed & didn't even bother getting undressed.
He never did message goodnight, and I was thankful not to be reminded.

I did message good morning & all the loving reassurances he seems to need of how I feel. he responded he loved me. But I am hurting.
Even forcing myself to see him as FWB, I just couldn't cope if I were to think of him in terms of partner or even as a "Steady" boyfriend... though he is my one and only and I offer him all that I have.

This morning still shaky. Then I saw him tagged in some pics being silly and loving. And just knowing that I couldn't even be a fly on the wall to enjoy his happiness, it sent me into a sobbing breakdown. I can get to the point of being OK that I am whole without and on my own, but those reminders when I want us to share a full life. Damn mono thinking, I'm broken.

So to cope, I messaged and told him not come this weekend. "Please don't come this weekend, let me get to a point where I can cope with being along for Christmas instead of the freshly raw letdown that comes every time you leave and it takes so much time for me to recover." I did not do this to hurt him. I know he thinks of me and misses me when he is away.

He was hurt.

He chooses to leave me every time. And here, when I do choose to not be with him simply to protect my heart - perhaps that possible hurt and rejection is how I feel every time he does go. - I try to be happy for P that he has a home and love without me, because he does and I do not want him to give any of that up.
Dammit, I dont think I can handle this emotional roller coaster replayed over and over and over right now, I want at least Christmas to be a more even keel for me.

Even now, I feel more peaceful, knowing that I won't have to try to cope regaining that space where I am OK with just knowing he is happy and I am whole on my own - because I am and not just because I have to be. There would not be enough time for me to get there emotionally for time with my family on Christmas day, and I REALLY want to enjoy that day of connection with people who love me.

Dammit, I forgot to remind him the offer of showing up at the family event was still open. I know he won't - he will have the kids visiting. But I want him to know I didn't change that offer as well. So I will message & remind him & ask that if he doesn't not to let me know so I do not feel the rejection and if he does to just show up, not telling me so I don't anticipate and be let down if it doesn't happen.

Time to load car so I can drop off the gifts for his kids & wife so they have them to open Christmas day. Today is my best chance to do it with the big storm rolling in.

Think Zen
I am whole on my own.
I love P, but I am protecting my heart
If he chooses to feel rejected, it is his choice - just as it is my choice to feel rejected every time he chooses to leave me. I own my feelings of rejection - he does not reject me, I choose to feel rejected and can work to find emotions to replace those.
 
I *was* Zen

I was peaceful. I was good.
He sounded like a basket case, feeling rejected. I felt guilty, so I gave up my peace and asked him to come visit anyway.
It was a nice visit. Didn't get to the relationship agreement or to sorting boxes.
But my fears were realized when he left this morning and I am facing the holiday feeling thrown away.
P told me he needs me. But it feels like that is only when it is convenient for him.
Truth, I don't "need" him - I WANT him. But it is so hard to go from wanting and enjoying him when does choose to be with me, to feeling left behind and rejected when he is gone. I shed a few tears this morning when it hit me he was leaving so soon after we would get out of bed and I had no clue as to when I would see him again, other than for our counseling appt on Monday. He pushed asking why the tears, and I was honest.. he did the plan ahead and say he would be here Fri & Sat nights.

After he left I took a long nap and cried myself to sleep. I went to a friend's house for a few hours tonight - Christmas Eve, and almost lost it there when his former domme asked me why P wasn't with me, fortunately the buddy recognized and redirected the topic.

So I'm trying to pretend P is on military assignment and has no choice but to leave me behind. Not really working well.
I checked my email. A former "friend" that had tried to trap him in a lie on OKC emailed, I had told her to never contact me again after her deceptions. But I though maybe over a year or no contact had made her remorseful. I was wrong. I didn't reply & don't intend to even open any future emails from her. I don't know if she just peeked or if she is up to shennanigans again, but she reminded me how I am no longer on OKC and P is, mentioning how it seemed he was "highly active." How she derived that, I'm not going to ask. She seemed to be gloating that she was right that I would never be enough for him. F*** it hurts to be reminded.

I did give P a heads up, just in case she was doing more than watching how often he was online or the notice on OKC for how likely someone may be to reply. I don't want him paranoid if/when someone new messages him, but he has right to know.

Why does he NEED be to on there? Why does he NEED to forge connections with ONLY women who "entice" him? I don't know. My mono leaning brain just doesn't understand, and I feel so rejected. Back to me when poly just being open to possibility of other loves vs "chasing" - chasing is not wrong, but it is not something I understand or would want for myself.

God, I hope my family does not remind me I am without P tomorrow. He does know he is welcome, and I did request that he not tell me ahead if he may or may not show up. No expectations, no disappointment. And if the answer is going to be no, no feeling rejected ahead of time.

Am I that freaking codependant? I give up my Zen for his?
Love is NOT tit for tat, I did not ask for the distance to hurt him, but to protect me leading up to today & tomorrow, to allow me a holiday without tears. I had it in my grasp, and gave it up for him because he was needy. Why couldn't I put myself first? That is #2 on my affirmations list, and I still couldn't do it when he appeared to be hurting. Does he ever choose to take the rout that would cause himself emotional pain so that I could be more at peace?
Brain overload & over-analyzing. Time for teddy & sleep.
 
Merry Christmas

P didn't come to my family event. I had asked him not to let me know yes or no ahead so I wouldn't have the time to focus on the added rejection when the answer was no. When we got close to the gift exchange I let him know, and when some time passed without reply, messaged that I was allowing myself to assume that he was not showing up, and asked if my assumption was correct. It took him two replies to actually confirm I was correct.
Why was that so hard?! Just answer the f'ing question, then go into justifications if you need, instead of hinting.

Yes, I was feeling hurt and rejected. I had to remind myself that he is NOT my partner and I had no right to feel hurt, and to thank him for honoring my request to not tell me ahead and save me pain and rejected feelings that would have haunted me leading up to the party.

If I didn't care, if I didn't want him there to share in my family celebration, it would not have hurt. Thankfully only one aunt cornered me to ask where P was.

Now I'm home and my son and his GF are gone to spend the rest of the evening with her mother, so I am alone with my thoughts.
Alone to sort through the goodies and pick up. Alone and wishing I had someone who could be with me to touch and snuggle and recap the holiday. I have but I don't have. I want. I ache. If I could choose between feeling pain and feeling nothing, right now I would choose nothing.

I am reminded of a poem called The Therapist. I can't remember it all right now, nor find it with an online search, but it has a refrain of

I am not permanent in your life,
and you are not permanent in mine.
But let me walk beside you
for a little while.
 
Peanut butter, headaches, & choices

This came to me when messaging P on his break today...

Pain is a funny thing.
Like when you have a headache and all you can focus on is how much the pain hurts.
I really like creamy peanut butter.
Eating peanut butter gives me a headache.
Sometimes I still eat peanut butter.
Doesn't make the the headache any less painful.
I have only myself to blame for the pain. Peanut butter was just being itself.
It was my choice to eat it that caused my pain.

I wish my love and desire for P was as simple as that.
Except, peanut butter does not feel pushed aside or rejected if I do not eat it. Peanut butter does not care if I do not buy it, or if it sits on the shelf untouched, and is not hurt if I choose another food for my source of protein or yet another food for the creamy mouth-feel.

It is easy to set aside peanut butter. Yes, I still long for it. I recall the flavors, texture, aroma. But if I never have another Reese's peanut butter cup or PB&honey sandwich, my life will easily go on, with just an occasional pang of longing when I see the jar on the shelf in the store.
 
Happy New Year ?

Hoping 2014 finds everyone better than 2013.

No Idea where my life is headed.
Obamacare wouldn't let me register for insurance saying I qualify for medicaid, but my state says no. So I'm still flying uninsured. That was so much easier when I had my ass of a spouse. I do have vision insurance, so next week I get that checked - may finally need some eyewear. Bleah.

P blames his ADD for his end our communication and relationship issues.
Our previous counselor moved on, so we got a new one. First session was Monday. So he wants to learn about out history.
Nothing like rehashing everything that hurts. For a God-lover, he was not judgmental, and we liked that he did not make us feel rushed us out when it was time to go.

P felt that since at end of session there was no time for rebuttal or his side of what I had just brought up that he was made out to be "a bad guy." I assured him I would make sure he got his say at the start of next session, whenever that might be.

When I brought up my feelings about his seeking "enticing" women on OKC, he talked about how he connects more easily with women. NP, I connect more easily with men. He mentioned how he has few to no friends and OKC gives him a chance to make connections. But why does it have to be only with women that he might be "enticed" by? I didn't bring it up, but wonder why he can't he find a photography or brewing or journalism forum and find folks there to talk to, folks who aren't specifically seeking emotional and physical connections, (and folks who can't look at his Q's and see that he likes oral sex or the like?)

When we left, there was no one at desk to make next appt, so I wonder if it will even be on his radar to do so or if I have be the bitch and stay on top of him to do so? (his EAP sessions, he has to make the appts) He didnt try to hols my hand on way out or ask to chat for a bit, though it WAS freaking cold. So I got in my car and drove home. No kiss goodbye. No comfort or reassurance. Felt like crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

In session P admitted that he and his wife have a just friends relationship. Described as Best friends. And yet 99% of what I hear from him about her even after he agreed not to discuss his marital frustrations with me is about how he has to drop everything and haul her ass around and how she doesn't show any appreciation for him. I know he occasionally asks me to reassure him that I love him. Only once in 2.5 years did he ever mention that she said she loved him & that was after her long term affair become poly bf dumped her. So later I messaged and asked (if he were comfortable answering) if she replies in the affirmative if he ever asks her the same Q. He said she only replies "yes" and then he came back and added, but never says "I love you." I thanked him for being comfortable answering. Then he backpedaled, and justified her actions/inactions in that regard that she wasn't from a family that expressed emotion. I wish he had just left it as she replies "Yes."

He has agreed that next time we get together that the FIRST thing we will do is start working on that relationship agreement, that he has promised so many other times. We shall see if that actually happens, or if once again everything else is more important than actually defining where we are. Blames ADD, and me for not reminding him. Just J... C....., I HAVE reminded & begged.
I did reminders and begging too freaking much with my ex. I am NOT the man's parent. I am NOT responsible for him. HE decides what his his priorities are.

When I got home I was cold and emotionally numb. He messages and asked how I was. I told him, Feeling like it was the end come closer. I want to trust him. But even the last night he was here, and I saw OKC as the top website he visits online when he went to google, it crushed me, and I guess I really dont trust I wont be hurt again as much I intellectually want to trust unconditionally. He is unwilling to tangibly rebuild that in a way I can relate to. So I guess it would be best to say goodbye to the thought of us being partners? He disagreed.

**** I'm not throwing in towel and walking away. but if that is what it takes for us both to find happiness, we will decide together.

Tuesday came. Along with it a visit from my last lover, whom I have not seen in person in almost 4 years. We had a nice lunch, then P came to the house and the boys had a beer and we talked.
And I rubbed their feet. I had never before rubbed feet from two different people at once. It was fascial comparison heaven. For a few moments before they left we found ourselves all 3 on the couch, and I got them both stroking my hair. Heavenly!!!!!! even if for less a minute.

**** I don't want sexual poly, but neither do I want to give up moments like that. I doubt I would ever willingly get moments like that from a massively mono partner.

Our intention has been earlier lunch, boys for a beer, and then P and I talk us. But visitor arrived late, and the beer & chat ended up lasting until P needed to leave as well. Sigh. At least it was a nice afternoon.

P left first (had to get the wife "and drag her ass around" - sigh, why did he have to add that disparaging remark in.) Visitor have me a kiss, a nice hug, with a grope and a grind. As much as he had been a top lover and is very much in my heart - I don't wanna go that route again with him unless he could be a full partner and not in a position to be hurting his platonic partner with the relationship (she was the one ok with either love or sex, but not both with same other.) I *was* aroused when visitor left, but the desire was only for P.

But there was to be no time to lament, because the bell rang. Dinner with a boy who had crushed on me 27 years ago and just recently joined Facebook and looked me up. Flowers, very sweet. Nice dinner. Stayed and watched Strange Brew, and we caught up on our lives. Was so glad I had hadn't had sex with him back then - turn out he had the clap at the time he was pursuing me.
It was very nice to think that he carried a torch and the memories for all these years. And a bit sad that it was for someone who did not in return. He was so touched that he almost cried when I said I still had his mother's stamp collection that he had given me.

**** I'm not that special, or at least I don't see myself as that special.

I was honest about having lived poly and being mildly domme. He said he didn't believe me, that I was pulling his leg. Sigh. I wasn't about to take him upstairs & show him the bag o' toys or the restraints attached to the bed, but I did show him a couple pics of me with kissing a another guy while the (ex)hubby sat smiling at us. His choice to disbelieve.
A nice evening. Connecting as friends. Nothing romantic. Nothing sexual. A buddy hug when he left. I hope he finds love, and I hope he does call again. Was a very relaxed time.
 
Mixed signals

The next visit has come and gone.
Our relationship expectations talk never occurred, at least not as I expected.
Upon arrival we spent the rest of the evening revamping his resume for a job out of state, which would be a great opportunity for him - although it is out of state. Once again, from what he reports, the wife is not willing to even discuss unless he actually gets the job. No encouragement. In my mind's eye I can almost see her rolling her eyes.
It aches to feel that pain, even second-hand My ex was similarly un-supportive.
And once again, I wonder if he were to get the job, would she follow him. Not something I wish to dwell upon.
So I support and encourage his dreams.

What of me if he were to get it and move away? If he were my partner, I would follow in a heartbeat. I can work anywhere with my profession and be successful. But we are not partners, so I do not know if I would follow or stay where I am... moving is expensive and risky. My last two moves were to flee heart-wrenching situations - one a great career opportunity made leaving the pain a no-brainer, and the other move was for my physical and emotional safety. I would miss him, the man I consider the love of my life, but I would survive.

Our talk?
No, didn't get to the expectations document. But it was an interesting talk.
He says he considers my his girlfriend, and that he is essentially "going steady" with me, while I consider him simply a friend, with benefits, who has the potential to be more.

P was right when he said he gets the feeling that I do not want him to leave clothes here. Coping with his absence would be that much harder if I were to think of him as more than someone who visits. We talked about how I must intellectually consider him a casual visitor to emotionally get through, even while my actions and emotions speak differently. Yes, I agree - there are mixed signals - I want you, I don't want you.

I must try to convince myself I do not want him every time he is gone.
Never had that feeling when I identified as poly.
It was always clear - I love XXXX, but this is my time with ZZZZ.
P says he believes I could do poly again if I were in the center and "in control." I tend to disagree.
 
Over my head - considering a move with P, buying a house

P submitted resume for a dream job.
Out of state.
Wants me to join him.
No clue what his wife (I'll call her PW) will do. Go. Stay. Divorce? Stay & go later? He hasn't pushed. She doesn't like change.

I'm nuts.
I'd actually like to go.
Scary - very.

I'd keep my home here - per my divorce I have to house my son through college & he is done this summer, and then he could rent it cheap or I could rent it to someone else.

I am not comfortable renting for other than short term unless housing market convinces me otherwise (it hasn't.) I once bought a house for what was *supposed* to be only an 18 month stay because market was perfect for it.

P wants to co-mingle funds & buy a home together, for the two of us in new city.

Fear:
If something happens to P or to the potential "us" - I would want to know I could still afford to live in my home.

Fear:
If we bought a home together, and PW ran up or accrued bills that P is legally obligated to cover, or if they divorced and PW wanted her $$ legal share of he home, that I would be forced to buy her/them out and would not be able to afford to & be forced to sell myself.

My solution A:
I buy a home that I can afford on my own income/resources. Limited, but definitely do-able in today's market with a fixer. And P can live with me splitting all other living expenses (except TV - I would rather live without it)

My solution B:
I agreed in theory that I would be willing to co-mingle funds on real estate if PW were willing to sign legal papers that if she ever wanted/needed the house sold so she could access the marital funds invested in it, that she would have to wait until I sell it to get her $.
Is this even legally possible?

P is overwhelmed to point where he commented he wanted to withdraw his resume.
I'm frustrated. One smallish yet significant part of the reason I broke up with P 5 months ago was his asking me to look for a job in my former city and move away & he promised to follow, in part so he could figure out if PW actually loved him. I would NOT have any part in that game. After I refused, he apparently gave up trying to figure that one out on his own, assuring me they were solid and very happy living platonically as "best friends". (I wish I didn'y have an opinion on that & could trust those words at face value - yet he says other words that contradict.)

Could P afford to move by himself & still support PW? She has her own job, own potential access to health insurance. Would she even need him to still kick in for bills there, or still expect it if he lived far away with his "own"/separate bills? They are legally bound financially.

Why should I even be asking myself that. Their relationship should be their FREAKING business & not mine.

Right now as while I consider him simply as a FWB, he visits me a night or two a week and only contributes financially by buying groceries for half of shared meals. I won't even consider him a boyfriend, much less a partner, in part because then I would be frustrated by him not kicking in financially (plus now he takes his laundry home)

/End rant
(for tonight)
 
Didn't get the job ~ lessons learned

P did not get the job. It had been looking so good.
He came for a one night visit a few hours after he got the news.

What did I learn?

I learned that yes, I would want and be willing to tag along, even though I do not currently consider him more than a visitor.

I learned that he values and appreciates my opinions more than I had known.

I learned that even if he were willing to live with me full time, I would be unwilling to comingle assets in real estate unless he were single.

We discussed how our parents managed finances and how we approach/ed this in our own marriages. He now knows that even if we were legally married I would want each of us to have some of our "own" assets with which to do with as we pleased without needing to seek approval from the other. I have always had this and can't fathom having to beg permission for something ultimately insignificant.

I encouraged him to continue the dialog with his wife as to whether or not she will follow when he ultimately does find a job in the field he trained for, rather than letting it drop as he has before. Odds are slim to none he will find it where he lives now.

We discussed salary, and how he doesn't want to work for less or even same as he makes now, that reality is he probably would to start... But the tradeoff of being in a positive work environment where one is happy is well worth it.
I helped him find a job search site with entry level listings, and encouraged him to start earnestly applying to those. And I am sponsoring some ads in programs for brewing events to say he is looking for work, I consider it an investment in someone I believe in. Why not marry the career you want to a company in an industry you love the fruits of?

Throughout this, I am reminded of myself. How my ex~hubby discouraged my dreams outright and when not to Spooty, at least did not offer the slightest encouragement. It was my Poly partner and friends who kept me bouyant. Had I let the hubby's lack of enthusiasm rain on my parade, instead of going forward under the umbrellas of those who showed me encouragement, I would not have had twenty years of success and contentment in my work.
 
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He now knows that even if we were legally married I would want each of us to have some of our "own" assets with which to do with as we pleased without needing to seek approval from the other. I have always had this and can't fathom having to beg permission for something ultimately insignificant.

Just a quick comment to say that I ABSOLUTELY agree with this! I think there area various ways that it can work depending on the people involved. MrS and I have always done this - although they shape of how it was done has fluxed over time (depending on our circumstances, who was working, who was in school, etc.) Now that Dude is part of the household, we have worked that in as well.

If they want to spend their "fun money" on new speakers and I want to spend mine on books...it's all good:D
 
Is It Feb Already?

I've been legally single for one year and 4 days as of a few minutes ago. Doesn't really feel any different.

Back when it was looking like P was going to get the job in Indiana, we was also back onto encouraging me to find a female partner. I kept meaning to blog about it, but life got in the way. Yes, I'm bi-curious in the sexual sense, emotionally I'd say I've always been there. And yet, when he knows I don;t want any other partner, what kept making him think that just because a potential "other" might be female that it would make any rat's ass of a difference in me not wanting anyone else?

End of Jan P had a week off. An old friend/mentor in WA, Grumpy, whose been having health and caretaker and a bit of mental issues seemed to be taking a turn for the worse, so I felt I could no longer put off visiting. (Been trying for two years to convince Grumpy to relocate to my spare room so I could look after him - he doesn't want to be burden so he decided not to accept.) I asked, and P accepted my invitation to join me on the trip to see Grumpy. I offered to pay for airfare, and was already getting the rental car so we agreed P would cover his meals and half of any activities/entertainment.

I was soooo grateful to have P with me to keep me grounded. That first day, seeing just how Grumpy was really doing, I wasn't sure if I was going to break down crying or come out swinging. When someone you love is that bad off and mistreated by those who are supposed to be caring for him... Ok, yes, I'm the world's greatest co-dependant.

P wasn't comfortable staying with Grumpy. I don't blame him, and I was prepared for that possibility. If it were just me I would have still stayed there and been emotionally overwhelmed. Instead I knew where to find a safe, clean, bedbug-free room on the cheap. Still massively dinged my overall budget, and P spent so much time justifying and apologizing before I got the room - it was almost embarrassing, thankfully we were alone.

By the time the visit was over, Grumpy was doing much better. I think just having someone to connect with on a daily basis (and starting to take his meds again) made a difference. I'm still following up with hos social worker and his VA contact - letting them know my observations and encouraging them to find better caregivers or try to get him into assisted living. He may be pissed if they tell him it was me pushing - but I'd rather have him more healthy, not financially abused, and pissed at me, than how he is today. either way, I will be able to sleep knowing I have done what I can ethically.

I got to experience P having three temper tantrums. Twice over his phone (and the ensuing rant about wife PW not letting him get a new one) and once over spilled wine. I think he even stamped his feet and liver-lipped over the wine on his jeans. It was all I could do to not break out laughing over the way he was acting. I hadn't seen him have tantrums quite like that before and they didn't scare me off in the least.
Though every time he rants about PW, it really grates on my nerves!!!! He agrees not to do it to me, and still he does.

The last night we stayed with friends closer to the airport for our early morning departure. P and I went for a walk. He asked me what he was to me. Oh God. Why did he have to ask. I didn't want an emotional evening. So instead I told him I really didn't know (true in many aspects) but that I knew what I wanted to be, and that I loved him.
 
Almost the fake holiday of lovers

The return from WA was a return to reality.
A few days alone, coming back to grips and reminding myself he is just a friend with benefits whom I love who visits when he can.

Before I left, a good friend went into the ICU. I got to visit her a couple days after her release. It will be a year before she is back up to speed. In the meantime she is home only because her son and his fiance were willing to move in & care for her 24/7. I offered to be respite care whenever they need a break.

It was a wake up call for me.

P came to visit again. We were watching a show about lesbian life in NY. P wanted to talk so we paused the program. He reconfirmed he believed that we were at a point where we might add a third, have a triad with another woman. I lost it. Asking him how he still had the idea that I would want another partner if it were a woman when I don't want ANYONE else. Conversation ensued, and he tried to tell me he wanted to choose to be monogamous with me, while splitting his living time between me and his "best friend" (wife PW).

That aggravated me - he only gives me indications that she frustrates him, unfairly ties his purse strings, doesn't give him the time of day except when she needs transportation - and he has the gall to call her "Best Friend"?!? With a friend like that, who needs enemies!!!!
But the emotion that won over was just loss. I was crying. I talked & he listened. I poured my heart out - what if what happened to my friend had happened to one of us?
If it were me, he would not have been allowed into the ICU. I would not be able to afford to live without income for a year plus medical expenses without insurance (yeah - obamacare no help to me). Would she consent to him helping care for me daily physically, much less financially - I highly doubt it.
If it were him, I could not have seen him in the ICU. And if he needed to be close to the hospitals & docs his insurance covers he would need to stay in the house with his wife - would she consent to me being there to care for him - I doubt it.
If it were her, I would offer to assist with her care - not because I give a rat's ass about her - but to support my Love, my P. But I doubt she would consent to even that.
So we're all screwed.

So I further resigned myself to I am financially alone, and without a partner I can truly count on to be there to help. I permit myself to love him one visit at a time.

P acts as if I'm the only one who encourages him, believes in what he wants to do with his career. I am just a mirror so he can see what is already there in him.

I cannot hold my life because he says he needs me. I am codepenent enough. He says he feels he is a burden to me. I disagree. His emotional support to me is better than I have ever known.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. I need to ramp up my income & get at least health benefits. I am applied to go back to college, but can't decide to do that - for athletic trainer ($$ but really job I'd want) or for marketing (I'm passionate about it for my own business & the non-profit we volunteer for) or to go to a tech school to become an ADHD Life Coach & add that to my current business. College didn't get processed in time for spring semester - thanks to a transcript delay from a college I took two courses at for fun 2 decades ago - so I have some time to figure that out.

As much as I'd like to sit around waiting to find out if P will find his dream job, where it will be, and if PW will follow him, dump him, or stay put and just expect him to send $$. I can;t afford to put off my own life. Sounds so selfish. But I am responsible for my own situation, and sometimes emotional happiness has to get set aside for survival. I did it for 22 years of my 23 year marriage, I'm sure as single person it won't be as difficult? Or maybe worse because I actually know what it feels like to be loved?

Life sucks. But at least I'm getting better about asking P to reimburse me for expenses he has made promises to cover. Separate checks are OK. Baby steps. I can't afford to subsidize someone whose income makes mine look paltry just because I don't have to ask permission of anyone else to spend it in the first place.

I even told him perhaps he should be grateful that she relieves him of the burden of having to decide what he can afford or not. This was after he had asked me to go "toy" shopping with him and I said the trip wiped out any discretionary funds for a bit.

Add to it my empty nest looming with the loss of what my son's GF contributes towards utilities and realizing the well used appliances my son owns that will go with him & need to be replaced (vacuum cleaner, rice cooker, slow cooker.)
Life sucks, but the sun will rise tomorrow. And I will awake, get dressed and go to work. P will be here for a two night visit when I return. Perhaps we can FINALLY get to that relationship agreement he had agreed we would work on? Not holding my breath & not wanting to be the parent & always nag.
 
P is so sad

P just left. Holding back tears.
I wish it were different.
Before he left we had a "short sleep" that lasted longer than we had anticipated, so we didn't get around to making love as we had planned when we crawled into bed.

We never did get around to the relationship agreement.
This morning he asked when I might be comfortable with him leaving clothes here again. I was honest and said I didn't know.

But he did ask if I wanted him to stay more. YES!!!!!! But I let him know it would be different, that if that happens I could not put off things that need to get done. He asked or examples. Like housekeeping, dishes, work related stuff. And he said it would be more like living together.
Yes, but I would still not consider it living together, it would be longer visits. With thinking of it as living together I would have expectations, like financially contributing to the household, and I know he is unable to do that - so I can't allow myself to think of him being here in those terms and cope.
He got sad, pulled away and said it would be him passing through. No, I wanted to shout.
I said we don't have to define it in the same way, but he pulled further away and said that, Yes, we do.

He was very sullen as he dressed and packed to go home. He messaged that he loved me. I love him with all my heart and soul. When I came back in the room he kept pulled away. I reminded him how much I love him. "You don't even call me your boyfriend." No, I don't. I'm not going to lie to him. To protect my heart, I do not call him my boyfriend nor a partner. He is my love, my soulmate, even more than he is my "friend with benefits for now."
He knows I love him. And I wish he could see into my heart. I reminded him to look at my actions.

P is home now. Messages that is fine, but shaken. And that he needs to digest the differences in how we define our relationship.
I asked if I had misled him in any way, and he reassured me that I haven't.

Time to do dishes and get ready for this evening's work. Tomorrow life "alone" returns, and with it all the responsibilities. Fortunately I have a friend coming over in the morning to help re-caulk around the tub. Will probably make lunch for him as a thank you.
Life goes on. I will see P again on Wed when he visits again.
 
Every relationship should thrive or fail on its own merit

<rant>
This time I put off working on the "expectations."
He blames ADD
We both agreed, after my insistence, that we would work in it second night of last visit as we had "work" the first night. Second night comes. And I make we shower - he asks what I'd like to do for the evening. Seriously, you don;t remember? No? We agreed we were going to work on our relationship expectations. "Ok."
I make dinner. Time to eat, he turns on a video, except it was an hour video. When it is over, I suggest we set another time to work in it. He was surprised. I reminded him it was an hour until I wanted to go to bed. He seemed shocked that it would take any longer than that. Seriously?
So we finished an article for a newsletter, I tasked him with doing the dinner dishes, reminded him he needed to make his lunch for work, and by the time we got to bed it was 45 min later than I had really wanted to turn in in the first place.
Friday is my early work day (early for me.) I'm NOT a morning person.
He ended up leaving upset and me upset and crying.
Yes, I believe an hour is not enough time to go revamp our expectations document. I also want time to process and relax before going to bed. I understand he had been upset about what he called "punitive" language I had earlier suggest in the expectations - but didn't I immediately remove or revise those when he balked - so why hold that against me now?
He leaned in to kiss me and I pulled away telling him I didn't want a kiss right then. He got upset that it "cut him"
I did have sense to message before he got work, that we were both overly sensitive and understood that neither of us had intended to upset the other.
</rant>

I was grateful for a long workday yesterday.
Being able to come home and collapse into bed without too much time to think about being alone.
This morning we messaged for a few minutes.
He is good with being alone. When he was 7 he had essentially become an only child (older siblings all gone.) I had a very close family, growing up until high school with my brother and an uncle very close in age, and many aunts and cousins. I had a lot of alone time as well, but I was never isolated when I didn't desire.

In this relationship I feel "forced" alone. Forced not the best word or the right one, I know. It is my choice to be "alone" when he is not with me, and i freely make that choice because the alternative is too painful for me to consider - of feeling guilty for treating one partner or another as "less than." I feel that trying to accept be feeling of being less than and forced alone is only choice I can live with and still be "with" him, and this choice is so hard for me I question how long I can maintain it.

Perhaps workable Poly is being willing to be selfish without it feeling selfish.

I never felt selfish living Poly with my ex-hubby, because I never saw where actively having more than one detracted from what he/we shared in any way, and I was very sensitive to ensure that it never would feel that way for him. without my otherlove, I never would have been able to endure those many years with him.

Bottom line still rings true, poly only enabled me to continue trying to salvage the marriage for waay too long. Just because you love someone does not mean you should be married to them or partnered with them.

Every relationship should thrive or fail on its own merit.

I wish I had been wise enough to realize that decades ago with my ex. Even living mono and years of counseling when he was finally able to commit to trying was not enough to save that marriage.

Where does that leave me with P?
Mulling needed.
 
I'm overwhelmed. Depressed.

I unexpectedly jumped into a position of great responsibility with my trade association. The learning curve is steep.
I need to see a doc to get ADD & depression in check, but I'm still uninsured.
Haven't even made a dent in my business expense accounting for last year, so taxes can't be finished. Guess I need to apply for an extension & get my estimated payments for this year in.
So many projects need to be done on the house.
Acutely aware of impending empty nest when my son & his GF graduate from college & move out.
Still in the "what are we" mode with my love.

If I could see any upside for him to his marriage and the majority of his time he spends at his home, other than fulfilling his sense of obligation, perhaps I wouldn't mind the alone time so much. It is not up to me to decide or even my place to understand his other relationship(s), but they do affect me.

He still doesn't seem to understand how I feel rejected or abandoned every time he leaves. He does nothing to encourage that feeling, if is all mine. And yet, when I even mention taking a break/running away for a short time to get myself together - he feels abandoned.

When I first got hit with the feeling of being overwhelmed I wanted to run away to visit my best friend out of state for a while. He spent two days in tears at work and his home before he messaged and asked if he could run away with me, mistakenly believing I wanted to permanently ditch everything I wanted a break from - including him. I had to reassure him that was NOT the case. And it turns out it wasn't the best time to visit my best friend, and I hate to be one to impose even though I know she would ALWAYS open her door to me for any length of time I would need. So I stayed home, trying to plod through the emotional avalanche.

I still want to run away. I asked him to run away with me, to move away with me. Only now he says he can't because of his obligations. Why is it different when he thinks I'm dumping him vs asking him to go with me? I told him to give two weeks notice & even found a house I could afford near a town he believes he would love to in & there is more work possibilities in what he wants to work in. He said he would seriously discuss it, but like everything else it seems unless I push it doesn't get talked about. He blames ADD. Getting harder & harder to accept that, even though I'm sure it contributes.
 
Loss of a Platonic Love, etc

End of January P joined me on a visit to WA to see what I could do to care for my friend Grumpy. Earlier this week I learned that Grumpy had passed away last month (no one was notified). I was so grateful that P was with me. I'm still fighting tears and the full impact of my loss is starting to sink in.

Grumpy was a best friend, mentor, confidant for over 24 years. We "adopted" each other when I was just 21 and newly married, in a new town with a husband out to sea. Although I had only seen him in person a couple times since I moved away over a decade ago, we were still as close emotionally as ever. I loved him, and he loved me. I tried for over 2 years to get him to move in with me so I could care for him as his health declined. He did not want to "be a burden" on me and refused.
I did contact the coroner to offer to claim his body and arrange a proper send off with military honors, but was informed that his family was involved. (I'll reserve my opinion of those worthless @#!&*)

I am so grateful that I did not wait to visit, though I did not think it would be the "last" time I held him and kissed him goodbye. I am grateful I had the opportunity to share this awesome person with the one I love, and have them enjoy each others company.

I am sad I do not have any photos of him, only memories. Background - my ex-hubby was a major flipping bigot (black, gay, bisexual, mexican - you name it he disliked). Grumpy was black. So I didn't dare have any pictures of him in our photo albums, I was limited to visiting him where we worked and at his home or the rare occasion we went out for dinner. This visit, he requested I not take a picture because he was embarrassed of his condition - fat, balding head turned grey, loss of teeth, sitting in a grungy t-shirt and depends. I wish I had at least snapped a picture while he napped. I didn't care. I loved him. But I honored his request.

Yes, I have other close friends to bounce things off, but no one nearly as close as he was. I feel like a chasm has opened in my heart.
I'm hurting emotionally from relationship stuff regarding P right now that Grumpy would have been there for me on, to listen & not judge. My closest gal friend lives far away and has taken to preferring texting to communicate & I don't have a texting plan - plus she doesn't get poly. My former long-distance partner is available and willing, but he is having relationship issues of his own and I don't want to give him any idea that I might want to rekindle our physical relationship.

I hope time will ease the pain.
 
Been a while & changes may be in store

Been a while.

https://apophenias.wordpress.com/2015/01/03/jealousy-or-envy/
Started another outlet for my musings, though mostly not poly related.

I'm plodding away with my life. Still with P who has been back to sharing my home about 5 nights a week. Feel like I'm not taking any proactive steps to change the situation.

P fears change, and if I force him towards it he will resent me, and I still don't want him to walk away from what HE wants either.Though it gets old listening to him bitch about his work, listening to him sigh whenever he gets a message from his wife, yadda yadda when no continued action is taken to move forward with changes.

P's wife declared that she does not love him. He spoke briefly to me about moving to sleeping in another room in their home rather than next to her. Never happened. He chooses to continue to honor his vows to support her. I respect that - even if I could not fathom supporting a person who neither loves me, nor desires me physically or emotionally.

I'm one to talk. I have no right to judge P when my own emotional household is not in order.

Almost all of the changes I desire in my life are tied to his desires, and I can no more force him to face his fears and make decisions than he can force his wife to face her fears and make decisions. So none are made.

I'm looking at taking some additional training to add a non-physically demanding component to my business in case I am injured. I do that without consulting P. Takes no time away from him nor affects his finances.

My biological clock is screaming louder than it has for the past 22 years, though it never was silenced for any period. (P shoots blanks so he's not help there). A decision to bear another child would affect P in the amount of time, energy and finances I would have to lavish upon him. So we're actually talking about a my being a mommy again and of him being and active parent even if a "legal stranger" to a potential baby. But ultimately, the decision to utilize a donor and attempt conception will be my decision.
 
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