charmcityalum
New member
Hello everyone!
A little background info first:
My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7 and have a soon to be 3 yr old daughter. About 3 years ago we talked and decided we wanted to try swinging. We have had a few experiences with a couple of different couples but always had problems with finding a good match with another couple (wifey liking the husband as much as I liked the wife or vice versa). About three months ago we decided that we wanted to open up the relationship so that I could find a female that connected with me and she could do the same without looking for this connection in the same couple.
One of the couples me and my wife had had experiences with were poly. The day after my wife and I decided to try being open she began a relationship with the husband. They had 2 overnight dates and then I started having issues. My wife told me she had developed feelings for this man. She says it's not love but more of a friendship feeling.
Maybe I was naive but during all of our communication about swinging or poly we had always agreed that there should be no feelings and the second someone was uncomfortable with something that should be the end of it. After she revealed to me that she had feelings for this man I told her that I wanted to end the "openess" part of our relationship and she refused. I felt that being a swinger or being open was now a bigger priority to her then our relationship and have had major issues because of it.
My wife and I are currently working hard to fix or resolve our issues. She says that she doesn't want to live a vanilla lifestyle anymore and that when I told her that I wanted to end our "openess" that she couldn't commit to being monogamous forever. We aren't currently dating anyone but she still has communication with the husband and another husband and wife that we have swung with in the past about once a week. We have read "Opening Up" and are currently doing the excercises in the book as well as trying to draw up a relationship contract.
I am posting on here because I have no one to talk to. Before I met my wife my longest relationship was 4 months. I am not very good at maintaining relationships and am better at what my wife calls "sport fucking".
I have two problems I am looking for help with.
1. I am having issues dealing with why my wife has feelings for another man and why when I said "I'm not comfortable with this anymore, end it" she didn't look at me and say "ok baby, you and our family is whats important to me and if this is making you upset I will end it". I am not ready to (nor do I know if I ever will be) tell my wife that she can just go have a relationship with another man and just let whatever happens happen. I am not comfortable with the possibility of my wife telling me in 6 months that she is in love with another man (and yes I realize that this is possible even without a poly relationship but think that allowing her to have a emotional and sexual relationship with another man probably increases this possibility).
2. I haven't been able to meet someone who is willing to be a secondary relationship in a poly. My wife and I have a lot riding on the fact that I don't have a secondary relationship therefore don't understand the dynamic. Maybe having a "girlfriend" will give me some insight into their relationship, maybe not, but I don't even know how to find someone. I have told my wife that basicly we are not in a poly relationship but a mono monogamous. So if anyone out there has some guidence for me in finding like minded women I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks in advance for all of your responses.
A little background info first:
My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7 and have a soon to be 3 yr old daughter. About 3 years ago we talked and decided we wanted to try swinging. We have had a few experiences with a couple of different couples but always had problems with finding a good match with another couple (wifey liking the husband as much as I liked the wife or vice versa). About three months ago we decided that we wanted to open up the relationship so that I could find a female that connected with me and she could do the same without looking for this connection in the same couple.
One of the couples me and my wife had had experiences with were poly. The day after my wife and I decided to try being open she began a relationship with the husband. They had 2 overnight dates and then I started having issues. My wife told me she had developed feelings for this man. She says it's not love but more of a friendship feeling.
Maybe I was naive but during all of our communication about swinging or poly we had always agreed that there should be no feelings and the second someone was uncomfortable with something that should be the end of it. After she revealed to me that she had feelings for this man I told her that I wanted to end the "openess" part of our relationship and she refused. I felt that being a swinger or being open was now a bigger priority to her then our relationship and have had major issues because of it.
My wife and I are currently working hard to fix or resolve our issues. She says that she doesn't want to live a vanilla lifestyle anymore and that when I told her that I wanted to end our "openess" that she couldn't commit to being monogamous forever. We aren't currently dating anyone but she still has communication with the husband and another husband and wife that we have swung with in the past about once a week. We have read "Opening Up" and are currently doing the excercises in the book as well as trying to draw up a relationship contract.
I am posting on here because I have no one to talk to. Before I met my wife my longest relationship was 4 months. I am not very good at maintaining relationships and am better at what my wife calls "sport fucking".
I have two problems I am looking for help with.
1. I am having issues dealing with why my wife has feelings for another man and why when I said "I'm not comfortable with this anymore, end it" she didn't look at me and say "ok baby, you and our family is whats important to me and if this is making you upset I will end it". I am not ready to (nor do I know if I ever will be) tell my wife that she can just go have a relationship with another man and just let whatever happens happen. I am not comfortable with the possibility of my wife telling me in 6 months that she is in love with another man (and yes I realize that this is possible even without a poly relationship but think that allowing her to have a emotional and sexual relationship with another man probably increases this possibility).
2. I haven't been able to meet someone who is willing to be a secondary relationship in a poly. My wife and I have a lot riding on the fact that I don't have a secondary relationship therefore don't understand the dynamic. Maybe having a "girlfriend" will give me some insight into their relationship, maybe not, but I don't even know how to find someone. I have told my wife that basicly we are not in a poly relationship but a mono monogamous. So if anyone out there has some guidence for me in finding like minded women I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks in advance for all of your responses.