Am I Wrong?

scubadiver1

New member
I have recently joined this site. I live in the UK. I thought that polyamory was about sharing a full relationship within a family...eg..living together as mmf or ffm. I ask the question because there seems to be many on here asking to meet just for sex....am i wrong in my thinking about polyamory?

Dont get me wrong..i want and enjoy sex but i want that within a family ..not just in a hotel
 
There's many types of ethical nonmogamy, and polyamory is one possible limb.

(Other limbs on the ethical nonmonogamy tree could include things like casual, recreational sex -- soft or hard swinging. )

But even in that polyamorous limb, there's STILL many branches shooting off it for HOW to BE polyamorous. You seem to be after a cohabitating "V" or "triad" perhaps even going out to calling it a group marriage?

Here's one article about various models.

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/open.html

HTH!
GG
 
There is a section here where people post "personal ads" and some of them are very sex-focused, but polyamory is not all about sex. Sex can be an important part of any relationship, whether polyamorous or monogamous, and we like to discuss sex here lots of times, but poly's focus for most folks is on developing and nurturing multiple love relationships. Hooking up for casual sex and not having any further relationship with someone isn't really polyamory, but a polyamorist can do that if they choose, of course.

Furthermore, in no way is one required to be part part of a communal living situation or family to be a polyamorist. And poly tangles don't have to be limited to three people and only polyfidelitous. One can be single, live alone, and have multiple lovers who do not know each other, or be part of a large tribe where everyone lives together and is intimate with each other, and anywhere in between. Read around here, and pick up some books on it (there is a suggestion list on this forum), and you'll see there are many many ways to practice polyamory.
 
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Thank you gala i will look at the link...i have been married before...i enjoy a relationship outside of the bed..or whereever sex occurs...as i feel that within a family there should be openess.,..about alll matters including sex,,,that is why i was looking to become part of that...maybe i should start by looking at finding someone or a couple to have sex with and hope it will lead to a full relationship/..any help is most welcome
 
I think it would work out more successfully to spend time with YOURSELF and get your list of wants, needs, and limits sorted out.

If you want to end up with a shot at a cohabitating V and/or triad thing SAY SO. Then you are attracting the people who WANT THAT TOO. Then you can date and negotiate.

Ups your dating success to shop at the right place. Rather than wander all over the store kinda aimless.

GL!
GalaGirl
 
I think being open to various situations is great, but knowing what you want long-term is really important. If you decide to try to find a couple and start sexually, they may want that to be the extent of the relationship whereas you're hoping it'll grow so making sure you communicate about what's okay for now and what's okay in the long run is really important to avoid drama, hurt feelings, and general unpleasantness.

I definitely recommend reading (either books, websites, or just this forum) to help narrow down what you want/need so that you can be very clear when you start meeting people.

Good luck in your search! :)
 
thank you.....i am so frustrated since my divorce...i know what i want and need but cant find it.....yes i want sex...but more to
 
Again, maybe you cannot find it because you know what you want in the gut, but haven't brought it out of your brain on to paper.

If you cannot express what you seek, how can anyone sign up? Nobody is a mind reader.

Hi, my name is scubadiver1.

I am recently divorced.
I am X years old and work as a X.
I have / do not have kids/pets.
My interests are scuba and _____.

I am currently looking for a relationship that will

  • provide me with sex
  • could lead to a long term, serious thing
  • It could be monogamous -- like me and you
  • It could be polyfidelity in the shape of a triad or "V" arrangement.
    • I would be/not be willing to be one of the end points
    • I would be/not be willing to be the hinge
      While poly friendly I would NOT want it to come in the shape of (what? poly tangles? Same sex? Age gap bigger than 50 years?)

C'mon dude. You can do it. Read, learn, and then learn to spit it out so you can shop at the right places with your offer of "Relationship with Scuba!"

If you need others to help you figure it out, spit it out. Nobody is going to judge you.

GG :)
 
Hi scubadiver1,
Glad you're on our forum.

From what I've heard, polyamory is most often defined as multiple romantic relationships, where everyone involved is informed about all of the relationships, and is okay with it. So, MMF and FFM vees/triads are certainly one kind of polyamory, as is everyone living together, but there are many other kinds of polyamory. What would not be polyamorous (but rather another kind of non-monogamy) would be if it was "just about sex" or if emotional connections were avoided. Poly people can, of course, have some "non-poly" situations in their life. Some polyamorists are also swingers, for instance.

I would say don't be in a rush; take your time to learn all about polyamory, and find out exactly how to describe/explain what you're looking for, both to yourself and to others.

Sorry to hear about your divorce. I hope it can become a new doorway into new ways of living.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
@scubadiver1 - I believe I'm in that rut right now with banging my head against the wall trying to figure out how to find someone. I also have thought of sinking to just finding someone for casual sex in hopes it may lead to more. (There are plenty of women into casual sex and unhappy wives out there but don't know about sinking to that level when I want more!)

Although in my situation I am still married. together 10 years, married 7 years and hoping it continues even though poly has really rocked our relationship. So I can sort of understand after being through a divorce may likely feel even worse off trying to start another relationship even more.

Not sure if you're having the same issues as to "where" to search or contact people. Polyamory doesn't seem to go over to well on typical dating sites even tho in our case I think we're both looking for Long Term relationships.

I've tried posting more on here in hopes of making friends and maybe meet someone through networking.

Also joined Fetlife, I'm very new on there but it looks like you can search for local people, search groups, etc. It seems to revolve mainly around fetishes but there are some groups which cover poly so there must be people into it on there. Crossing fingers to find some local even as just friends so don't have to go through the whole OMG YOUR MARRIED!?

Otherwise for normal dating sites we both believe Okcupid is the best, wife has already started dating through it but of course being male it's more of a challenge (imo) to find anyone accepting of someone married or poly.
 
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