Ari's Blog - Beginning

I am feeling settled. Well actually I am getting killed at work. Pulled in a million directions by multiple sides of a company. I really wish the parent company would make up its mind about how I fit...

I hate politics...

More on life at a later date haha
 
Honesty will always garner the respect it deserves, as long as the person loves you.

This doesn't imply it will fix things, or make things better or even make things right. But dishonesty...will ALWAYS cause respect to be lost.

So why not err on the side of truth...it can't hurt. Most of all you might find yourself...respecting yourself. Thats a great place to start
 
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Honesty will always garner the respect it deserves, as long as the person loves you.

This doesn't imply it will fix things, or make things better or even make things right. But dishonesty...will ALWAYS cause respect to be lost.

So why not err on the side of truth...it can't hurt.

I completely agree!
 
This has come up in my life. Surrounding myself in alcohol and a fake life has allowed me to create a lot of lies. I could list umpteen ones, about relationships, my life or really anything. I have the excuse of alcohol and the fog it creates, but in the end it was all me. The fog just helped me forget the authentic me.

I lied - to myself. In turn I lied to the people I love most in the world. This has in many ways deeply affected my relationships. I have to hope...that trust can be rebuilt. But I know the ball is in my court. The...challenge is mine to be open and honest with myself, then the ones I love...and the people I may affect.

In many ways I am a coward, afraid of certain aspects of my life...hell even in some ways living monogamously in fear. In my case, I think the turn about is going to come from reverse thinking. If I feel like I shouldn't say it, I need to.

All I can do is hope, do my utmost to reverse the patterns which were selfish and destructive and go from there. I can fix my future...I can't repair the past.

In AA...they ask you to make a moral inventory of your character defects. Its a pretty damn good place to start if you want to see the real you in the mirror.

for the record, I thought I was honest, I thought I was upfront, I believed it to my core...I now know I wasn't. I was excellent at fooling myself.

just bringing this over from another thread, as it was a more personal thought than it was intended to be...might as well stick it in my blog
 
Feeling lonely in a room of people...

Been a hard weekend... been pushing really hard at some self discovery which is making me really miss those I love. Once I hold up my mirror its hard to put down until I am done. Amazingly powerful process...
 
Yes, me too. I see that I need to work on something-I want to keep working until it's fixed. Sometimes a good thing, sometimes too hard-need a lunch break.

Hugs.
 
So much running through my head. My life is being turned on its head in everyway. My brain is swimming, my heart is broken...my body is healing.

This has been one of the more dynamic months in my life. What a cute way to phrase that. Quitting drinking... breaking up with sourgirl, and in turn, having her as a friend... AA (which is different than not drinking)... Work kicking my ass all over north america.

I am enjoying the challenges, disliking the feeling of .. loss, and enjoying the potential of the future. I have re-created my okc profile, for shits and giggles. I put some thought into it this time. I don't even know what I really want, or what it will bring...considering it may be a pay site soon, I am not even sure how useful it will be. Its interesting to do up profiles on sites. Its lets you see what you think might be interesting to people. I don't do well with online dating, but its still curious to me. I also don't engage people on a dating site... arg.. I am stacking my own cards against me. Pengrah has done up her profile on OKC, so I did a lot of updating to ensure continuity between our profile and her potential dating pool. How very scientific sounding.

In reality, this last year has seen a huge hiatus of friends leave town, in this world, that means they are gone. I have become so accustomed to people leaving my life, that friendship has become disposable... what a mind fuck eh? I am hoping to maybe meet people on OKC outside of biking, AA, computers and poly to be friends with. I need some...outside world distractions.

I am also trying to figure out how friendship works. I have a long disgruntled history with friendship. ... I am trying to figure out how to come to terms with what I consider friendship to be, and what itmeans to other. This is a historical battle in my own head (read a bit above).

Quitting drinking has been easy...AA has been kicking my ass. What an effort at self reflection. A few of the steps are ones that require deep self reflection. And man, does it leave you feeling beaten up. You really look at what made you, how you reacted and what it has done to you, today as a person. Hard to do this when you just broke up with a lover. Its hard not to point my finger at myself and get down. Its a battle worth fighting though.

Work has me hopping. Good timing I guess, between expansion into the states, some problems with our systems internally. I am busy at work. Still hoping for a vacation soon. I need a break without a phone. I have friends in Victoria that have asked me to visit, there are also people on this site I wouldn't mind seeing again ;).. Bellingham, seattle, vancouver. I could make a nice round trip and see a lot of people. There is also Ontario. I haven't been home in almost 3 years, I have some friends to see there as well, new and old. Lots of choices. :)

Ari
 
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I am also trying to figure out how friendship works. I have a long disgruntled history with friendship. ... I am trying to figure out how to come to terms with what I consider friendship to be, and what itmeans to other. This is a historical battle in my own head (read a bit above).

Right there with you on this one. Kinda got blindsided last year with a few realizations, friendships and lack there of was one of them.
 
30 days sober and smiling about it. 1 month without a drink. I am proud of that achievement and many more.

I joined a gym last night. I miss working out and found a gym that suits my..."non fitness centre" persona. Going to try and go a few nights a week, I have a lot of excess energy since I stopped drinking. Hell I lost 10 pounds this month just not falling into the drinking ->hangover -> eat cycle that I used to live. Its relieving to not have that anymore.

Trying to think of things to do in this town to meet people. As a very social person, its a hard sell when the primary thing to do here is drink. Actually scratch that..."extreme athletic event" -> apres -> drinking after apres. Its a fairly one dimensional town. Travel will definitely help. As mentioned above haha...

I am finding lots of support online. New friends and old friends. I can't believe the friendship and support I feel, all because of this board. I appreciate this site and what it has given me. I even appreciate that for a short time it brought me Sourgirl. A woman I will always love. She has a place in my heart, even if she is out of my life now. I will miss her. Now...its time to keep myself exposed...(in a purely non sexual way of course ;))
 
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