Hi all,
I am new to the forum and to polyamory, so I read this thread with interest. I am in a relationship with a man who has an existing partner (they are married), and while we endeavour not to use hierarchical language, I am 'secondary' in the sense that the relationship is new (2 months) and that we do not cohabit (he lives with his wife). However, in many other respects (level of intimacy, commitment, our intentions for the relationship, I am more like a co-primary (by his definition).
Anyway, the issue I am having is that I am very much drawn to an nclusive model of polyamory, similar to that described by others in this thread. That is, I would like to be, if not friends, at least 'friendly' with my partner's wife, and ideally I would like to get to know her, as I feel we have much in common and would get along well. I do not have any interest in threatening their relationship, as I very much want him to be happy and I know he wouldn't be if his marriage were negatively affected. However, his wife has decided (for reasons that remain a bit unclear to me) that she wishes to keep the relationships separate. So, despite the fact that we met once (for about half an hour) and seemed to get along well, she is not welcoming towards me in terms of us socialising as a group, or me attending group events. My partner says that he feels her reluctance is due to personal issues of hers, and nothing personal against me (she has a very ill parent and is suffering depression and other health issues), but I find it hard not to take personally. She had initially said that she was fine with him having me over while she was at home studying (she is doing a demanding University course), but as yet this has not occurred, and I am concerned there are other issues.
Ultimately, I don't feel I will be happy long-term in a relationship where I am not welcome at my lover's home, and where I cannot have some sort of 'relationship' with his partner, who is obviously such a huge part of his life. I would have thought that his wife would WANT to know me (as I am important to him) and wondered if anyone can shed light on what they think is going on. Also, advice for how to cope would be helpful.
I really just want all of us to be happy, because I see that as sort of the aim of polyamory, but don't know how to go about achieving that in this situation. It is making the man I am involves with also unhappy because he is caught in the middle, dealing with my feelings of rejection, and his wife's boundaries (which are counter to his desires).
Any thoughts appreciated.