I am 98% monogamous.
That 2% is this a primal urge, one that is overwhelming and that I discovered can lead me astray. I scarred myself before, I ended up engaging in a sexual encounter outside of my monogamous relationship of 1.5 years. It shattered my ability to trust myself. I loved parts of the fling. I felt it made me a better partner in some ways actually, I was more alive and attentive sexually (my sex drive had taken a dive with my partner), and generally attentive. I tried harder.
My trust in my ability to be 100% monogamous is forever crushed. The other side of me is not guilt driven, but recognizing that perhaps a new relationship format for me is ideal.
I entered into a relationship shortly afterward with a person who I identify with closely in terms of relationship ideals. We are magnetically attracted to each other.
Neither of us have ACTUALLY been in open relationships before.
Up until 7 months into our relationship, we had just talked about sexual fantasies with others. But at that 7 months, my bf proposed we make a move. He was into a couples swap and I thought it sounded fun and exciting.
I traumatized the SHIT out of myself.
An ocean of insecurities was released. It turns out I am NOT OKAY with seeing my boyfriend have sex with another woman. Jealousy and envy both.
I nearly broke up, I was too overwhelmed by the feelings of loss. Irrational in my mind, but that didn't make them less real. I couldn't understand how I was so scared.
Since then, five months later, while we've stayed together, and I've done quite a bit of self-work to try and calm my insecurities, and we've decided that pursuing individuals separately is how we're going to go, I'm flailing still. I, again, am 98% monogamous. Once in a blue moon I'll have that spark I feel like pursuing and then moving on from, so it's really hard for me to feel okay with my boyfriend's larger desires for regular sex from women other me... I am very good at reasoning out why I should be okay, why I shouldn't be threatened.
My boyfriend's style is different and it's SO HARD FOR ME to come to terms with.
Currently he's wanting to date a girl (he's dating a girl). He's wanting to spend the night with her once a week. While he's made it so clear that I'm the world to him, I'm freaking out, I can hardly sleep and my life is feeling upside down. I feel so confused and angry with myself. We don't even live together, we spend about 4 of 7 nights together per week, and for some reason imagining him with another woman on a night he's not with me makes me feel crazy.
"Why does he need more than just me?"
"I don't want another girl to be his special person." are the primary thoughts circulating.
It turns out I'm intensely territorial and possessive. I even LIKE the girl he's seeing, I thought she was nice and told him he should go for her. I asked her out FOR him because I thought it was fun and I enjoyed being a part of it.
And then when they actually met up and slept together, I was fucking gutted...
How can I feel more secure?
I was thinking I could force myself to find a guy to date on the side as well, as a confidence booster, especially during this new phase... time will likely calm feelings! It's only been like a week. I'm still new to poly in action and not talk, maybe time will smooth things over.
Part of me feels I need to give up on him and I'm not strong enough for this, but when I ask myself what I'm NOT receiving from him, how he's lacking as a partner, I have no answer. He gives me the attention and love and care I want. He doesn't smother me and yet is there whenever I need him. He listens, and wants me to feel cared for and cherished. He wants to be with me for the long haul. He's making efforts to visit my family with me.
I'm sick of feeling panicked and insecure.
Any stories of overcoming jealousy and irrational fears of loss... send them my way. I could use some inspiration.
That 2% is this a primal urge, one that is overwhelming and that I discovered can lead me astray. I scarred myself before, I ended up engaging in a sexual encounter outside of my monogamous relationship of 1.5 years. It shattered my ability to trust myself. I loved parts of the fling. I felt it made me a better partner in some ways actually, I was more alive and attentive sexually (my sex drive had taken a dive with my partner), and generally attentive. I tried harder.
My trust in my ability to be 100% monogamous is forever crushed. The other side of me is not guilt driven, but recognizing that perhaps a new relationship format for me is ideal.
I entered into a relationship shortly afterward with a person who I identify with closely in terms of relationship ideals. We are magnetically attracted to each other.
Neither of us have ACTUALLY been in open relationships before.
Up until 7 months into our relationship, we had just talked about sexual fantasies with others. But at that 7 months, my bf proposed we make a move. He was into a couples swap and I thought it sounded fun and exciting.
I traumatized the SHIT out of myself.
An ocean of insecurities was released. It turns out I am NOT OKAY with seeing my boyfriend have sex with another woman. Jealousy and envy both.
I nearly broke up, I was too overwhelmed by the feelings of loss. Irrational in my mind, but that didn't make them less real. I couldn't understand how I was so scared.
Since then, five months later, while we've stayed together, and I've done quite a bit of self-work to try and calm my insecurities, and we've decided that pursuing individuals separately is how we're going to go, I'm flailing still. I, again, am 98% monogamous. Once in a blue moon I'll have that spark I feel like pursuing and then moving on from, so it's really hard for me to feel okay with my boyfriend's larger desires for regular sex from women other me... I am very good at reasoning out why I should be okay, why I shouldn't be threatened.
My boyfriend's style is different and it's SO HARD FOR ME to come to terms with.
Currently he's wanting to date a girl (he's dating a girl). He's wanting to spend the night with her once a week. While he's made it so clear that I'm the world to him, I'm freaking out, I can hardly sleep and my life is feeling upside down. I feel so confused and angry with myself. We don't even live together, we spend about 4 of 7 nights together per week, and for some reason imagining him with another woman on a night he's not with me makes me feel crazy.
"Why does he need more than just me?"
"I don't want another girl to be his special person." are the primary thoughts circulating.
It turns out I'm intensely territorial and possessive. I even LIKE the girl he's seeing, I thought she was nice and told him he should go for her. I asked her out FOR him because I thought it was fun and I enjoyed being a part of it.
And then when they actually met up and slept together, I was fucking gutted...
How can I feel more secure?
I was thinking I could force myself to find a guy to date on the side as well, as a confidence booster, especially during this new phase... time will likely calm feelings! It's only been like a week. I'm still new to poly in action and not talk, maybe time will smooth things over.
Part of me feels I need to give up on him and I'm not strong enough for this, but when I ask myself what I'm NOT receiving from him, how he's lacking as a partner, I have no answer. He gives me the attention and love and care I want. He doesn't smother me and yet is there whenever I need him. He listens, and wants me to feel cared for and cherished. He wants to be with me for the long haul. He's making efforts to visit my family with me.
I'm sick of feeling panicked and insecure.
Any stories of overcoming jealousy and irrational fears of loss... send them my way. I could use some inspiration.
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