Talking the talk...but paralyzed to walk the walk.

vannobo

New member
I am 98% monogamous.
That 2% is this a primal urge, one that is overwhelming and that I discovered can lead me astray. I scarred myself before, I ended up engaging in a sexual encounter outside of my monogamous relationship of 1.5 years. It shattered my ability to trust myself. I loved parts of the fling. I felt it made me a better partner in some ways actually, I was more alive and attentive sexually (my sex drive had taken a dive with my partner), and generally attentive. I tried harder.

My trust in my ability to be 100% monogamous is forever crushed. The other side of me is not guilt driven, but recognizing that perhaps a new relationship format for me is ideal.

I entered into a relationship shortly afterward with a person who I identify with closely in terms of relationship ideals. We are magnetically attracted to each other.
Neither of us have ACTUALLY been in open relationships before.
Up until 7 months into our relationship, we had just talked about sexual fantasies with others. But at that 7 months, my bf proposed we make a move. He was into a couples swap and I thought it sounded fun and exciting.

I traumatized the SHIT out of myself.
An ocean of insecurities was released. It turns out I am NOT OKAY with seeing my boyfriend have sex with another woman. Jealousy and envy both.
I nearly broke up, I was too overwhelmed by the feelings of loss. Irrational in my mind, but that didn't make them less real. I couldn't understand how I was so scared.
Since then, five months later, while we've stayed together, and I've done quite a bit of self-work to try and calm my insecurities, and we've decided that pursuing individuals separately is how we're going to go, I'm flailing still. I, again, am 98% monogamous. Once in a blue moon I'll have that spark I feel like pursuing and then moving on from, so it's really hard for me to feel okay with my boyfriend's larger desires for regular sex from women other me... I am very good at reasoning out why I should be okay, why I shouldn't be threatened.

My boyfriend's style is different and it's SO HARD FOR ME to come to terms with.
Currently he's wanting to date a girl (he's dating a girl). He's wanting to spend the night with her once a week. While he's made it so clear that I'm the world to him, I'm freaking out, I can hardly sleep and my life is feeling upside down. I feel so confused and angry with myself. We don't even live together, we spend about 4 of 7 nights together per week, and for some reason imagining him with another woman on a night he's not with me makes me feel crazy.
"Why does he need more than just me?"
"I don't want another girl to be his special person." are the primary thoughts circulating.
It turns out I'm intensely territorial and possessive. I even LIKE the girl he's seeing, I thought she was nice and told him he should go for her. I asked her out FOR him because I thought it was fun and I enjoyed being a part of it.
And then when they actually met up and slept together, I was fucking gutted...

How can I feel more secure?
I was thinking I could force myself to find a guy to date on the side as well, as a confidence booster, especially during this new phase... time will likely calm feelings! It's only been like a week. I'm still new to poly in action and not talk, maybe time will smooth things over.
Part of me feels I need to give up on him and I'm not strong enough for this, but when I ask myself what I'm NOT receiving from him, how he's lacking as a partner, I have no answer. He gives me the attention and love and care I want. He doesn't smother me and yet is there whenever I need him. He listens, and wants me to feel cared for and cherished. He wants to be with me for the long haul. He's making efforts to visit my family with me.
I'm sick of feeling panicked and insecure.

Any stories of overcoming jealousy and irrational fears of loss... send them my way. I could use some inspiration.
 
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There is a lot here on jealousy, and coping with strong emotions and insecurities. Click "Search" (towards the right, near the top) and select 'Tag Search' and enter jealousy, insecurity, loss and similar. Just read the threads. It will be overwhelming at first but as you read you will start to see patterns.

Being open and/or poly does not make one immune to jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness and so on. People who have been poly for years feel all these strong emotions and more. (And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, ignore them.)

Feeling these things does not make you weak or not strong. It makes you human, like the rest of us. There actually is nothing wrong with feeling jealous. Yes, it's terribly unpleasant, hard to handle, and just difficult to bear. But you feel what you feel. And you are doing the best you can to cope. You are asking for and getting reassurance from your boyfriend. You are taking the responsibility of managing your feelings. That's all good, positive stuff. You are not weak. Rather, you are coping rather well, believe it or not.

Jealousy, and other strong emotions like anger or fear, are information. Our bodies and minds are trying to tell us something. Jealousy is like an early warning system - something is going on that we need to pay attention to.

Now that warning could be about something totally internal. We often cause our own pain. Perhaps you need to focus on working out some insecurities. Maybe the jealousy is a beacon to self-reflect, maybe find a good therapist. It sounds like you did not like who you were at all when you cheated and that situation is having some deep, long term implications for you. Perhaps that is a place to start.

However, jealously can often be a warning that something is wrong with the relationship. Something is not right. It reads like your boyfriend is being supportive and open with you. He treats you well and isn't dismissive of your struggles.

Your jealousy may simply be telling you that you are actually monogamous. That even an honest, respectful open relationship is not what you want. You may be incompatible with this man despite the attraction, despite that both of you are doing everything 'right'. It's horrible but it happens. Like whether to have children or not, being open or not can be a major deal breaker, even if everything else is good. Again, if this is accurate, that doesn't make you weak, or stupid. Poly/open doesn't work for many people. Wanting monogamy is not wrong.

So you will need to spend some time sitting with these very uncomfortable feelings to figure out what's going on inside. I suggest being curious of your jealousy, ask it why it's there, what it wants you to know. (I know - sounds ridiculous! However, being curious distances us from our own turmoil enough to ask questions, and actually be able to hear the answers.) This is not going to be easy or fast. However, regardless of what turns out to be your truth, I think you will find walking the path, doing this hard work, to be a major source of growth and learning about yourself.
 
Hello Vannobo,
I can somewhat relate so some parts of the experience. Let me give some personal opinions.
I am 98% monogamous.
That 2% is this a primal urge, one that is overwhelming and that I discovered can lead me astray. I scarred myself before, I ended up engaging in a sexual encounter outside of my monogamous relationship of 1.5 years. It shattered my ability to trust myself. I loved parts of the fling.
...
perhaps a new relationship format for me is ideal.
I understand the shattered trust. I had a similar feeling after I fell in love while in a stable relationship.
In hindsight, I don't think a one-time encounter, or even falling in love is indicating that you can't (ever) be 100% monogamous. It only says you've met a need that wasn't fulfilled at that time, be it sex or attention or whatever your lover offered you.

However, you expressed that you want a new relationship format. I think you should give much more care choosing which relationship format it actually is you want.
There is not only polyamory=multiple relationships, there is also swingers, there are monogamish relationships with whatever agreed on rules (for example, I could easily imagine following an arrangement, where kink with others is ok but intercourse is not).

I entered into a relationship shortly afterward with a person who I identify with closely in terms of relationship ideals.
My boyfriend's style is different and it's SO HARD FOR ME to come to terms with.
...it's really hard for me to feel okay with my boyfriend's larger desires for regular sex from women other me...
Currently he's wanting to date a girl (he's dating a girl). He's wanting to spend the night with her once a week.
Those two are kind of contradictory. Or maybe you have in common relationship ideals, but not relationship styles. It doesn't sound to me like you two are on the same page concerning what open model you want to practice. It seems he is into some kind of (solo) poly with maximum personal freedom, while you just... kind of prefer to have a partner who doesn't divorce you if someone overwhelmingly attractive comes down your road. Or maybe you are into casual sexual encounters - but def. not multiple relationships. If so, it may be hard to make this arrangement work.
Up until 7 months into our relationship, we had just talked about sexual fantasies with others. But at that 7 months, my bf proposed we make a move. He was into a couples swap and I thought it sounded fun and exciting.
I traumatized the SHIT out of myself.
An ocean of insecurities was released. It turns out I am NOT OKAY with seeing my boyfriend have sex with another woman. Jealousy and envy both.
Too much too soon. You could take babysteps instead of sex immediately.
I find that gaining a sex positive attitude is a process. I'm taking the route of visiting bdsm clubs and tantra sessions with my bf. Especially the later ones helped immensely. (They also encourage erotics with others, so my desire to experiment gets kind of satisfied in that safe environment.)
Getting comfortable with your partner sharing sex may mean getting comfortable on a deep emotional level with your own sexuality first. Or it may mean getting the experience that sex is not such a scarce special thing available only in couples.
I'm freaking out, I can hardly sleep and my life is feeling upside down. I feel so confused and angry with myself.
I think you could trust your own feelings more. If you're not ok, you're not ok and that's ok ;) You may become secure with time, but being angry with yourself and trying to rationalize yourself into feeling better doesn't help any.

when I ask myself what I'm NOT receiving from him, how he's lacking as a partner, I have no answer.
What I hear is:
- He sais he want's to be with you for the long haul, but at the same time he's actively pursuing another relationship, although he knows you are monogamous. Either there is dishonesty going on, or miscommunication, or quite a bit of incompatibility.
- On top of that you are upset, because you don't live with him.
- Could it be that you are accommodating too much?
- You are going to fast, from 0 to 100% poly. Maybe you two could find more creative strategies then just jump into the water.

To recapitulate, I think you two could slow down again, take it one step at a time and clarify your relationship model. Whatever you decide to do, please be kind to yourself.
 
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Thank you!

What overwhelming support and depth from this community. I truly appreciate the insight and the links to further reading. You guys make me smile.
 
You are not alone.

Losing trust in yourself and feeling the kind of confusion you describe is something I just went through when I kissed someone else while in a long-term, stable relationship.

It is okay to feel insecure. It is okay to feel jealous. Do not shame or guilt-trip yourself because you feel these things. These are normal feelings that take time to pick apart and process. The important thing to do is recognize those feelings for what they are and learn how to process and get through them.

Definitely read through the articles suggested and whatever else you can get your hands on.

I agree with others that you are going too fast. It's okay to need time. Talk to your boyfriend about your struggles and work together to get through them.
 
Distinction

At this point I'm still processing everyone's input. I'm so glad I decided to reach out to this community. Thank you again, it's been SO helpful to get all these different perspectives.
Remembering to ***breathe***!
 
Hi there and welcome! I am impressed with your initial post here. You have a lot of self-awareness, which is great. I think you are way ahead of the pack when you admitted that you have been feeling possessive. A lot of people don't mind copping to their jealousy yet, at the same time, don't like to admit feeling possessive. Many times, I've pointed out to posters here that they come across as possessive and they reacted as if I slapped them or called them a horribly dirty name.

A sense of ownership (possession) gives us a false sense of control over someone. Most human beings have a hard time with feeling out of control. I think it's important to acknowledge that we are conditioned in Western society to look at our partners as belonging to us. Of course, it has been more ingrained in the societal mindset that women belong to men (stemming historically from views that range from women being property, like chattel, to the "weaker" sex needing a man's protection, etc.) but women also feel possessive about men, too. This isn't only something that happens in polyamory, but in monogamy, too.

It's a belief system that is difficult to break free of, but it can be done. One might always have these thoughts popping up - that "my partner is MINE" - but we don't have to invest in or pay credence to such beliefs. We can acknowledge that it's just what we were taught and learn to let go. It won't happen overnight and takes practice but, as with all thoughts generated from societally-taught belief systems, eventually you can get to the point where it becomes just background noise that won't throw you into a tizzy nor influence your decision-making.

If you can ever find a copy of an old classic hippie book, The Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, Jr., you might find the sections on love and letting go of possessiveness helpful.

When I get a bit possessive, or jealous, I remind myself that my lover's freedom isn't mine to give. I strive to respect a lover's autonomy and freedom to live their lives as they see fit. I want them to be happy, and to feel safe with me so that they can be at ease in knowing they are free to be who they are. I don't want my love for someone to impose restrictions on their freedom. I know that attempting to control a lover's actions will not do anything to manage my insecurities. I also know that when I trust someone, I am not a very jealous person. It's when I do not fully trust someone that I become insecure, jealous, and want to "own" them or feel like I have their total devotion so that the situation feels controllable to me.
 
Couple's therapy, giving it a try

So you will need to spend some time sitting with these very uncomfortable feelings to figure out what's going on inside. I suggest being curious of your jealousy, ask it why it's there, what it wants you to know. (I know - sounds ridiculous! However, being curious distances us from our own turmoil enough to ask questions, and actually be able to hear the answers.) This is not going to be easy or fast. However, regardless of what turns out to be your truth, I think you will find walking the path, doing this hard work, to be a major source of growth and learning about yourself.

This is awesome advice.
We had a big, long, gutting and crazily emotional talk last night. While I know I have to focus on myself and why I'm reacting the way I am, I am so deeply impressed with how much he wants to try for me. It was an inspiring evening as much as it was a difficult one.
I asked him to see a relationship therapist with me and he said he'd be happy to.
 
Therapist advice

If anyone has experience with relationship therapists... let me know if you have any advice on whether a consultation/session over the phone could be MORE effective with an experienced therapist in open/poly relationships, versus a therapist locally who is not a specialist in poly. I'm almost leaning towards the over-the-phone? Specific recommendations welcome!
 
...I entered into a relationship shortly afterward with a person who I identify with closely in terms of relationship ideals. We are magnetically attracted to each other.
Neither of us have ACTUALLY been in open relationships before.
Up until 7 months into our relationship, we had just talked about sexual fantasies with others. But at that 7 months, my bf proposed we make a move. He was into a couples swap and I thought it sounded fun and exciting.

I traumatized the SHIT out of myself.
An ocean of insecurities was released. It turns out I am NOT OKAY with seeing my boyfriend have sex with another woman. Jealousy and envy both.

So, you two had a fantasy, and then you found out that reality did not match the fantasy...

Bitch slaps from reality suck. Couples' swap? Did you fuck your meta's bf while in the same room with your own bf? Were you attracted to the other guy? Had you even spent anytime talking to him, or was this a mere hookup in a bar or from Craigslist? Personally, I can't fuck someone unless I get to know them from conversation for a while, with no pressure to get physical right away.

Poly is not "couples swapping." Poly is generally done one on one. As far as fetishes or kink go, some people are voyeurs and enjoy, and get turned on by, watching others have sex. Some people are exhibitionists and get turned on by being watched.

Lots of people are neither voyeurs or exhibitionists! And that's OK. Your fetish is not my fetish, and that's OK!!!

I nearly broke up, I was too overwhelmed by the feelings of loss. Irrational in my mind, but that didn't make them less real. I couldn't understand how I was so scared.
Since then, five months later, while we've stayed together, and I've done quite a bit of self-work to try and calm my insecurities, and we've decided that pursuing individuals separately is how we're going to go, I'm flailing still. I, again, am 98% monogamous. Once in a blue moon I'll have that spark I feel like pursuing and then moving on from, so it's really hard for me to feel okay with my boyfriend's larger desires for regular sex from women other me... I am very good at reasoning out why I should be okay, why I shouldn't be threatened.

My boyfriend's style is different and it's SO HARD FOR ME to come to terms with.

At the top of your post, you said you shared relationship goals, but here you say the opposite.

Currently he's wanting to date a girl (he's dating a girl). He's wanting to spend the night with her once a week.
How long has he been dating her? If it's too soon for you to be comfortable with this, that's OK. Tell him so.

While he's made it so clear that I'm the world to him,

Um, no. You're NOT the world to him. He's got another gf! Another contradiction. You're important to him, sure. You're not "the world." Nor should you be. That's a romantic poetic (I may say, foolish) monogamous notion.

I'm freaking out, I can hardly sleep and my life is feeling upside down. I feel so confused and angry with myself. We don't even live together, we spend about 4 of 7 nights together per week, and for some reason imagining him with another woman on a night he's not with me makes me feel crazy.
"Why does he need more than just me?"
"I don't want another girl to be his special person." are the primary thoughts circulating.
It turns out I'm intensely territorial and possessive. I even LIKE the girl he's seeing, I thought she was nice and told him he should go for her. I asked her out FOR him because I thought it was fun and I enjoyed being a part of it.
And then when they actually met up and slept together, I was fucking gutted...

How can I feel more secure?
I was thinking I could force myself to find a guy to date on the side as well, as a confidence booster, especially during this new phase... time will likely calm feelings! It's only been like a week. I'm still new to poly in action and not talk, maybe time will smooth things over.

If you're poly, becoming distracted with falling for someone else can help take the focus off what your SO is doing. It doesn't necessarily solve problems though.

Part of me feels I need to give up on him and I'm not strong enough for this, but when I ask myself what I'm NOT receiving from him, how he's lacking as a partner, I have no answer. He gives me the attention and love and care I want. He doesn't smother me and yet is there whenever I need him. He listens, and wants me to feel cared for and cherished. He wants to be with me for the long haul. He's making efforts to visit my family with me.
I'm sick of feeling panicked and insecure.

Any stories of overcoming jealousy and irrational fears of loss... send them my way. I could use some inspiration.

I'm glad your bf is being supportive, but--

It's hard to wrap your head around poly in our culture. Others have shared good advice, and I am glad you and your bf are seeking therapy, to see if your lovestyles are compatible enough to go on. Even if your bf is great, and reassuring, and kind, you still may not ever be comfortable practicing poly, or mono/poly. No worries! Your desires and needs are yours to own and respect.
 
I'm glad I wrote here, there is a lot of enlightening insight. Some of it is hard to read...but important!
I do seem to contain a lot of contradiction here, which isn't bad, I'm still learning about myself and what I want/need.
It's scary right now because I battle my inherent need for control. Ultimately I want to rise above my insecurity that stems through that reflex and confront or embrace the lack of ownership or control over everything in life! Trusting my partner, becoming better partners because of this and through communication and commitment. Those are things I want, though i have yet to discover if it will be within a monogamous or poly arrangement.

And regarding my entry into "opening the relationship" through a couples swap- looking back, my response was most certainly a reasonable one and not necessarily indicative of my ability to have a relationship outside of my primary. It's kind of embarrassing how little foresight I had, I do tend to just jump in and try new things! But sometimes those things can be not only emotionally scarring, but hurtful too. We've unfortunately just entered through a crash course into this lifestyle and I wish we had done more research beforehand. Oh well! We'll see what comes of this, we are learning a TON.
I do have to say, and forgive the details, but sex can be amazing when there's a little bit of stress going on! That's at least a perk :p
 
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