Given that polyfidelity is the goal, what are the steps you might take to introduce new relationships?
Given that polyfidelity is the goal, what are the steps you might take to introduce new relationships?
Definitely need to identify what poly-fi means to you.
For us-we're a V-so we don't fit the "every partner being equally involved with one another" as both maca and gg are straight.
But we do have the understanding that we require another person to be close friends with all of us at the very least.
If/when someone comes along who is potential for that (friendship with all of us and romantically involved with at least one of us) then we would require that the person be willing/able to spend time with all of us to build up those relationships with each of us before being allowed to become part of our family..
Would any new partner be required to also be poly-fi? For example, if one of the guys was interested in a poly woman who was already in a relationship, what would happen?
We have a big enough social network that there are lots of women he can meet & date that I wouldn't need to "meet" in any particular way because I'm likely to know her from sports or parties, or wherever: I'm just thinking of people who are strangers to me but that he knows from school or work... it feels very uneven, because he already has a basis for knowing if it would work for him, and whether they would likely "click", but I don't. I'm not trying to be picky, I really want to know that she'll respect me, come to care for me, and have good communication skills. That last one is something HB doesn't tend to look for... and I think it will make a huge difference.
Redpepper says:
For us (my husband polynerdist and I) it seems to have worked that we let each other know from the onset that we have been in touch with someone for the purpose of dating. If we meet up with them, then there is no catching up to do. If we click then there is no catching up to do. Everything was talked about from day one. Now I am looking for female company only, there has been no change to that rule (I say rule because I see boundaries as changeable and rules not so much), I just have three men to tell. The tersiary not so much, it can wait but definitely Nerdist and Mono.
When we made our boundaries clear to each other we didn't write them down and changed them a lot. We aren't the writing it down types I guess. Each boundary we come across is discussed at length with each other and sometimes the person that it involves and their partner. I think it is just good ethical practice, even for small stuff.
Perhaps the biggest thing for me has been to check in with my own boundaries. I made my own rules about dating when I started out. They completely fell through when I met Mono, but they were very helpful when I wasn't sure or just plain not interested in someone. I could then say, "well I have these rules for myself and this is what they are..."
My rules were, if we go beyond a second date then you have to at least talk to my husband on line first so you know he is real. If they wouldn't then that was it for me... it indicated that they were either used to cheating or would engage in that (whether that is true or not depended on the person and sometimes it was just fear... all discussable with them)..and I was only interested in being open. Then they would have to meet and then there was the chance of being more intimate....
You can of course decide for yourself what you own boundaries for yourself are... but those were mine.
GS says:
Your approach seems pretty reasonable to me - as long as there's some flex there to accommodate the realities like scheduling etc. We approach things much the same way-although maybe a bit more liberal because of our experience.
One thing you might consider that we find beneficial to speed that connection with all process along, is to encourage & use the various mediums when it's practical and a face-to-face is proving complicated. We encourage contact by phone, email etc to try to get everyone getting to know each other ASAP when we run into scheduling problems. For us it works good. If we trust someone enough to be considering a relationship we certainly can trust them with a phone # and email. It's not as good as face-to-face but it does serve to underline everyone's sincerity until we can all get our schedules juggled around.
Just a thought.....
GS
Yeah, last weekend HB and I sat down to revise our boundaries too... we ended up making a flow chart for the process we envisioned instead of generating rules or boundaries. I think that helped a lot because HB can feel some flexibility in meeting someone, and yet I have this sense that I can reasonably predict what might happen, and that gives me a sense of peace.
No idea what the requirements will be, as for what would happen, that I can answer.
If either of the guys (or myself as I am bi)
was interested in a poly (or mono)
woman (or man) who was
in (or not) a relationship outside of our circle,
we would all sit down to talk (as usual) and make arrangements to get to know that person.
The bottom line is connection-if we feel that the person can fit into our family dynamic, if we can be friends and we have a common comfort with them and they with us
-it doesn't matter what the "layout" is.
I know that a lot of people have "rules" about what type of form their family takes, but the problem with that (at least in my view) is that you could get the form, by putting a group of jerks together, to have a good family you have to accept the people who "fit" together, not fit people to a design...
I am not speaking in clear terms, I apologize-I'm not sure what terms would clearly say what I mean.
But I'm happy to answer more specific questions if I was TOO confusing!