inlovewith2 said:
Hi Erato,
You might benefit from reading the thread I started called "can you convert back to being mono" (or you might not).
Way ahead of you! And yes, it helped to read and relate, thanks for making that thread and sharing that part of your life/relationship.
inlovewith2 said:
I don't think it has to be either. Maybe technically it would be a sacrifice, but why look at it that way? We make sacrifices for those we love every day, but to look at it that way risks us feeling taken for granted I think. And being selfish is another subjective concept. If you are truly poly (as it sounds) then you have choices as a couple. He can make an effort to understand it not as selfish, but as who you are, and work to get through his feelings (no small task I'm sure), you can bury it in the hopes that you are successful this time or you can part ways (and know that I don't take that lightly at all).
I don't feel he is selfish, I have been very confused by his need to keep me for himself, but I am learning to accept his needs as a monogamous person even if I now realise that I will probably never understand/empathise with them. I think the reason that he felt I was selfish at the time was not because I need to have other partners but because the way I was talking about that need, and ignoring his feelings,
was selfish. I think we're slowly coming to a middle ground where we consider each other more and are slowly learning to fear less that our needs have to be repressed/ignored to be able to stay together as a couple.
It's a start with a long road ahead of us, I realise that, but it's promising to see us learning not to give in to the knee-jerk reaction "But I need X!!!" which dominated our conversations until so recently.
inlovewith2 said:
Is he willing to do some reading to take it out of the personal?
He's been reading posts around this site recently, yeah, we both have. He's really considering things seriously and I think he might slowly be coming to see it as a need separate from my relationship with him. As I told him - he can satisfy all my needs in our relationship but he can't satisfy any of my needs in my relationships with other people.
But I'm sure he can post his true feelings/thoughts/answer to that question rather than my clumsy observations. :3
inlovewith2 said:
I'm not monogamous any more, but I do feel that I understand it. We've been conditioned that it is the "right" way and when our relationships fall outside of that norm, the mono person thinks that it is something wrong with them (we are, after all, egocentric creatures). I hope that some mono people will respond more helpfully.
See, I was "monogamous" (as in the sense that I was in exclusive relationships where I was only allowed an emotional or sexual connection with one person) and it never sat well with me. Hence I don't consider myself to ever have been monogamous. One boyfriend I remember crying over because I was scared of what would happen if I fell for another girl (do normal monos do that?) and another gave me permission to "sleep with women" just randomly out of the blue without my even showing an interest in it at the time (though I had in the past) and it completely disinterested me! That was because I was unhappy in that relationship at the time and wanted out, not because I wasn't poly then, and also because there were no women I had a connection with at the time that I wanted to pursue (plus I didn't know poly existed at the time).
Those experiences tell me that my fear that I just seek more partners when I feel unsatisfied is invalid and that I probably never was mono in my heart even though I didn't realise there were any other conceivable (ethical) options.
inlovewith2 said:
Erato said:
If we introduce someone else into the equation it would have to be someone who he could trust because he feels he would be opening up to them in some way by sharing me as a lover (even if they have no sexual contact).
Does this not make sense to you?
Honestly? No, it does not. I understand the need to trust the person, because he is trusting them with the woman he loves (and my/his sexual health), but I don't understand how he is opening up to them. He won't be physically intimate with them, he won't share his secrets with them (and I sure won't share his secrets either!) and he won't even have to spend any time with them if he doesn't want to.
I suppose my boundaries between love, sex and friendship are less rigid than his. He has friends I don't like/trust and vice versa for him with my friends. I realise having a lover would have more impact on him than a friendship but I still don't see how it forces him to relate to that person more than via me physically and a little more emotionally than with a friend.
There must be something I'm missing I'm just not...sure I can grasp what that is even if it's pointed out to me. And please note that this is all in theory; I have yet to have multiple partners at once.
inlovewith2 said:
I take this another way--he wants to make sure that you focusing on them, does not make you less careful with him emotionally. He wants to know that you loving someone else doesn't detract from the love you have for him, which seems like a pretty common fear from what I've read here and elsewhere.
It's not only that. He explained more. It's partly that he wants to make sure I don't love him less or be less gentle with him as you say, also that he wants to make sure that when they hurt me I won't take it out on him and that he'll always remain the primary.
inlovewith2 said:
Erato said:
He also said: "they [my other lover(s)] have to know me emotionally and be close to me" - which I can't understand. I understand him wanting to be on good terms with them and trust them, he's trusting them to care for the love of his life after all, but to know him emotionally and be close to him is a strange idea to me.
It's not strange to me at all, fwiw. Everyone has their own preferences in this regard. I'm sure there are other examples, but I've spent a good deal of time reading Mono's blog on here, and for them, it is very important to be close to one another.
The funny thing is that in conversations I've had with him (and I hope you don't mind my sharing this, Bold) he has said that if I had a female partner he would be disappointed if she didn't want to sleep with him and me together, at least on occasion, because he would want to with us [me and my secondary].
Now, I have to point out, he has honestly stated that he has pretty much zero interest in a threesome with me and another woman unless
I want it. Yet if it's with my secondary, who I love, it's a different story? It confuses me. He mentioned something about not wanting to feel left out of my sex life but I don't feel that his sleeping with my secondary would make him any closer to me. I don't particularly like the idea of it anyway.
inlovewith2 said:
My husband, thus far, wants to meet and get to know any potential partners but does not aim to be close to them. This may change. I hope that he will respond to you as a mono in love with a poly, but just keep in mind that we are *very* new to this too!
Best wishes,
Christie
Thank you. I hope he does too, when he has time, as I would appreciate another perspective (especially from someone in the same/similiar boat as my partner is now).