Curiosity Killed the Cat? MFM Vee

wonderwoman

New member
Hello everyone! Hoping for some help and guidance - a little about me below and how I came to join this board.

A while back I went out with a guy who told me about having a MFM threesome with two really close friends - this was on a first date no less! At first I was really offended but then became curious and started asking him questions. Yes both men were straight. Yes it was fun and they actually spend the entire weekend together - hanging out, gaming, eating pizza, and pleasuring the lady. Listening to him describe the non sexual aspects of the situation was just as interesting to me as the sexual part.

While it didn't work out between us, my interest was very piqued. Since then my fantasies have continued - and they haven't all been sexual. I really think I'd enjoy being the pivot of a poly fidelity MFM Vee. Is that even the correct term? I have no one to talk about this with so I'm learning everything from the internet.

Here's the rub - I have always been a monogamist and know I would not enjoy swinging. Also I'm not attracted to bi/gay men outside of friendship. Sorry hope I don't sound judgmental! Ideally I'd like our MFM Vee situation to be monogamous with two straight guys who are close (or become close) friends. Does this type of a situation exist or am I being a selfish snowflake searching for two unicorns? If it is possible - how does one find and/or cultivate such a situation?

I realize since I know NOTHING about this lifestyle I might be romanticizing what it could be like. How do you all deal with balancing dual relationships and the jealousy that might arise? What is it like going out in public?

I'm a super vanilla person and perhaps this should remain, for me, a fantasy. I am trying to decide. Thank you so much for any advice or experiences you can share. No one I know is interested in this and I tend to be a bit introverted anyway.

About me: In my 30's. I love reading, writing, gaming, traveling, and eating sushi. :D
 
What you are looking for is a tall order for your first foray into poly. There are fantasies, and there are realities.

First, you need to find ONE guy who is interested in YOU. Then he has to be interested in you having multiple loving relationships, but him only having one lover, and have the skills to be able to manage that.

Then, you need to find the other guy who is open to you already having a bf, OK with you being poly, and mono himself. Maybe the first bf has a good friend like this. Maybe not.

Then you determine if either of your hypothetical bfs is interested in MFM relationships. Then determine if they want MFM sex share, and MFM love share, with the men both being straight and only platonic friends.

Then make this happen: a poly-fidelitous V, where you have 2 sex partners, but the men are only allowed one sex partner, you, forever.

Tall order.

I realize since I know NOTHING about this lifestyle I might be romanticizing what it could be like. How do you all deal with balancing dual relationships and the jealousy that might arise? What is it like going out in public?

Not too many people here doing poly-fi MFM Vs. I can think of one out of dozens of regular posters. Lots of posts on jealousy, do a tag search.
 
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Thanks for taking the time to reply Magdyln! When you lay it out like that, it makes sense. Definitely will be one of those things that just has to evolve naturally or it's not meant to be.

It might be a tall order, but it's the only scenario I could see myself being interested in poly-wise. I know the reverse FMF seems to be more common but I know it's not right for me personally nor is a more open/group type situation. To thine own self be true and all that jazz.

Again thanks for your time and thoughtful reply! The more I think about it, the more I am not sure I'd be able to meet the emotional needs of two individuals. I don't want to hurt anyone just to live out a fantasy. For now it will remain fun to think about and I'm open to what the future holds - whether it's monogamy, the elusive v, or just being by myself. :)
 
Greetings wonderwoman,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have heard of a number of MFM situations and I am in a poly-fi hetero one myself; you can read more in my blog thread if you're interested. We've never done threesome sex though and I think a hetero V with threesome sex would be unusual.

If you really want to put some feelers out there then here are some links and suggestions.

http://www.okcupid.com/
http://polyamory.meetup.com/
http://www.polymatchmaker.com/
http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=11
http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/

You can also google "polyamory" with the name of your State, country, or major city and see that way if there's some local poly groups near you.

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations

Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Some links for dealing with jealousy:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Balancing dual relationships is a matter of time, scheduling, trial, and error. Every polycule is unique and has to figure out what works for, and fulfills the needs of, those in it. This takes patience as it doesn't happen overnight.

As far as going out in public is concerned, it depends on if you are "out to the world." The Vee I'm in is mostly closeted and we don't do PDA's as a trio out in public. When we go to a restaurant we just say "table for three" and let the staff assume one or more of us is just a friend.

Hope that answers some of your questions.
Regards,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks Kevin, appreciate the warm welcome and info/links! Will be checking out your blog as well.

I feel like what I'm after seems a bit unfair (me with an extra lover, them with just me) but on the flip side of the coin I've been told I'm quite a handful - maybe each guy could give the other a break!
 
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Again thanks for your time and thoughtful reply! The more I think about it, the more I am not sure I'd be able to meet the emotional needs of two individuals. I don't want to hurt anyone just to live out a fantasy. For now it will remain fun to think about and I'm open to what the future holds - whether it's monogamy, the elusive v, or just being by myself. :)

I wonder whether you might have some luck looking for a man interested in cuckold fetish, something might develop from that?
 
Sounds like you don't really want a poly relationship; you want to be spoiled by two men for a weekend? Why not just advertise for that on FetLife or similar? And not worry about the burden of being two people's full time partner.
 
Hey wonder woman, I must say it is possible. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. She has had a long distance boyfriend who is also a very good friend of mine. He and I are both heterosexual. And just 3 weeks ago he moved across the country to live with us!
One thing that is true for us is that its not all about sex. And mostly about friendship, hanging out and enjoying each others company. He and I both love cooking, something my wife hates, so she reaps the benefit of he and I cooking for her on a regular basis.
I think the fact that since he and I get along so well and have other interests in common (in addition to my wife lol) it has made poly work out very well for us. I try to ensure he and her have one on one time and he make sure my wife and I have one on one time as well, but in general we all spend our free time together.
Good luck and hope you find two good men to fulfill you wish! Feel fee to ask any questions.
 
Re (from wonderwoman):
"I feel like what I'm after seems a bit unfair (me with an extra lover, them with just me) but on the flip side of the coin I've been told I'm quite a handful -- maybe each guy could give the other a break!"

Maybe so. It really depends on the individuals involved. Some people are very attached and need as much of their romantic partner's time/energy as possible. Personally, I'm a guy who likes a lot of "me time," and I don't feel any great loss when Snowbunny and Brother-Husband are off doing something together. I believe that Brother-Husband is of a similar mind, but I hesitate a little to speak for him.

I even like the nights when I sleep alone, if you can believe that. Well, except the cat, who is usually my "bed buddy," which I love. But I just like the extra "independence," if that makes any sense. More freedom to turn in and get up whenever, not feeling obligated to be in bed when Snowbunny is, no worries about being polite and maintaining some sort of bodily contact during the night, etc.

All I mean by all of this is that sleeping by myself, for me, is an analogy of any of the time that Snowbunny spends away from me. Whereas it used to be a problem in our early years together, for many years now I've quite enjoyed the independence that sharing Snowbunny with a "second husband" affords me.

I just think that every person is highly unique and has their own set of needs, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. Every successful relationship will be tailored around the unique needs of the people in it, and what looks totally crazy/selfish/dysfunctional to an outsider, might work perfectly well for the people in the relationship.

So don't worry too much about how it might look to others, and don't second-guess yourself too much. Just follow your heart and have the patience necessary to see your dreams through to their fulfillment.
 
I am the hinge in a poly fi MFM vee.

There is no way in hades would my men want to be together with me sexually at the same time.

I love my life.
 
I am the hinge in a poly MFM Vee. My boys are best friends (and were before I ever met Dude) and we do enjoy the occasional MFM threesome (where I get all of the attention :D) even though they are both straight. (We also enjoy a foursome once in a when the opportunity arises...)

We are not poly-fi, however...MrS has never seriously pursued any outside relationships, Dude is seeing Lotus (and she and I are...exploring:p).

To answer some of your other thoughts:

In terms of "balancing"...MrS, Dude and I live together so we get lots of "all together hanging out time" as well as one-on-one time with each other.

With regards to "going out in public"... around home we are fairly circumspect (like we have a sexy secret...extra fanny-patting and "stolen" kisses); when we are out of town, I love parading around with my boys all out-there and brash (yes, you get all kinds of looks :cool:)

We are all fairly independent and are fine with "alone time"...

I have no idea how you could "cultivate" such a situation other than just living your life and being open to the possibilities that arise....you can read my "Journey" blog here if you want to see how it happened for me.

JaneQ
 
Thanks everyone for the replies and thoughtful advice. It's kind of funny, had a Homer Simpson D'oh! moment as I read some of them - seems so obvious now you'd have to be open to this sort of thing and just put it out there. Not sure what I expected - two men to magically appear on my doorstep ready to "cultivate this type of situation"???? Kind of had to laugh at myself for a moment - thank goodness I don't take myself too seriously. :D

Still not sure if this would be right for me, but then again I've always seemed to be better at knowing what I don't want rather than what I do. If it happens, it was meant to be I suppose. I like to think things over a lot before I make any moves so I will keep researching, and mucking about my thoughts/feelings. I've always admired people who have a gut instinct and can just go with it. But that's just not me.

I shared my thoughts about my imaginary MFM Vee with a close and rather conservative friend. She is now jokingly referring to me as "Lady Heffner." She actually said she thought it was cool. People never cease to amaze me!

Enjoying all the blogs - kind of neat to know so many people have great lives and experiences off the traditional grid.
 
Sounds like you don't really want a poly relationship; you want to be spoiled by two men for a weekend? Why not just advertise for that on FetLife or similar? And not worry about the burden of being two people's full time partner.

In theory this sounds awesome but it wouldn't really work for me as I don't enjoy sex outside of committed relationships. It's funny, I wasn't raised conservatively at all but that's what fulfills and gives me the most pleasure mentally/emotionally/physically. I really need a strong emotional bond with the person to let loose and enjoy myself.

I tried to watch some MFM pornography about this type of situation but it was actually quite off putting. In the first one I saw the woman was sort of being "used" like a piece of meat with absolutely no regard for her experience/pleasure. The other one I saw was a cuckold video and the way the man was being degraded made me uncomfortable as well as some racist undertones. Neither was a turn on for me personally.

Maybe I'm just too vanilla but it my imagination the experience is more sensual and friendly. Maybe what I am imagining just doesn't exist - only time will tell.
 
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Now I'm a little confused. Do you fantasise about a non-sexual MFM Vee or are you using a definition of "monogamous" with which I'm unfamiliar?

Of course I am not the OP and cannot answer for her sake. In my mind I read the sentence "I don't enjoy sex outside of committed relationships" and then it made more sense. Sounds like the OP could look up the term demisexual - maybe that would apply to her? Not trying to label anyone here, just giving food for thought.

Oh, and yes, I am in an MFM Vee relationship, too. We are not poly-fi. I am rather a relationship anarchist, at least in theory, and in that sense won't close my relationships for the possibility of future partners. I feel polysaturated, though, and at the moment have decided not to pursue any new relationships. I appreciate my life as it is and wish to maintain balance and well-being of everyone involved. My guys are free to look around if they wish, and CJ is doing that more or less actively.
 
That was my thought too, but making assumptions can end up with everyone even more confused if they turn out to be incorrect.
 
That was my thought too, but making assumptions can end up with everyone even more confused if they turn out to be incorrect.

Yes. A thousand times yes! This is something I have to keep on reminding myself of - and being aware of. Sometimes it is not easy to even recognize the assumptions that happen rather automatically inside my own little head.
 
Of course I am not the OP and cannot answer for her sake. In my mind I read the sentence "I don't enjoy sex outside of committed relationships" and then it made more sense. Sounds like the OP could look up the term demisexual - maybe that would apply to her? Not trying to label anyone here, just giving food for thought.

That is exactly what I meant! Sorry for being confusing. Still learning the lingo so to speak. Edited the post, hope it makes more sense now.

I did look up demisexual, super fascinating! I don't feel like a demisexual as I definitely have strong sexual urges/attraction to people without "knowing" them but I never find acting on it as satisfying as it is in my imagination. However, if I'm in a committed relationship with them or I can tell it's heading in that general direction - bedroom fireworks!

That said, "Too Much Imagination" could probably be the title of my autobiography. Appreciate the advice and experience sharing greatly as I wander around this part of my psyche. Kind of nice discovering something possibly new about yourself - around this age I thought I knew myself pretty damn well.
 
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Hi there, and welcome!

You do know the other part of that saying "curiosity killed the cat," right? It's this:

Curiosity killed the cat,
but satisfaction brought him back. ;)


Well... I disagree with some of what Mags posted above. I don't think what you want is that uncommon or strange - nor difficult to achieve, especially since it is usually much easier for a poly woman to find partners than it is for poly men. As one straight woman who is only interested in dating straight men to another, I can't get on board with seeing it as that tall of an order (it did sound like a rather bleak forecast to me, and I was surprised by that). I say, YES, it is possible.

However, if you want to meet straight men for a potentially polyfidelitous (what you meant when you said "all monogamous to each other") vee, you just have to realize that the commitment to polyfidelity most likely won't be there from the beginning. That is something that takes time to work toward. And - it may take a lot of dating (and probably much kissing of frogs) over a long period of time to meet the right guys for this kind of relationship. It will also depend on where you live, how open-minded people are there, and how large the dating pool is.

I totally get that this is not just about threesome sex, and not a cuckold situation you are looking for. Far from it. And I would think that you wouldn't expect "all threesomes, all the time" if you do find two guys to be involved with romantically. And keep in mind that, as you meet people you click with, your fantasy of how it should be could change. Today you might dream about living together with two men totally devoted to you and only you, and although you could meet one guy who is fine in a mono/poly situation and remains monogamous to you, you might find yourself falling head-over-heels for a second guy who is poly and married to someone else already, for example. You never know what life will bring you, so my point is to stay open-minded and never say never!

I think it would be highly unlikely to meet two straight guys who are friends and looking to "share" a woman partner in ordinary, non-kink circles. So, no, the scenario you fantasize about probably isn't going to show up on your doorstep. If I were you, I would just be open to meeting men, look for opportunities, and date as much as possible. Express early on to any guys you're interested in that you are dating others and not looking for in exclusivity with them. If they want to understand what your goals are, explain it, and see how the relationship goes. Then you meet others, be upfront with everyone, and see if any of them click. It will take time. Nothing is going to happen instantaneously, anyway.

Not too many people here doing poly-fi MFM Vs. I can think of one out of dozens of regular posters.

While it may be true that, when you visit poly forums, much of what you read is about FMF vees or triads, most of those tend to focus on threesomes and unicorn hunting. However, my observation has been that MFM vees are an extremely common type of configuration for a long-term scenario. For a while here, there were a lot of people posting about their MFM vees. Granted, some of them are no longer together (that's life - nothing lasts forever), and many of them are not closed, but there still are a number of members here who are in one. Some don't post here much anymore, but I don't think you should be discouraged about manifesting what you want at all. It's just not going to happen overnight. Stay positive!
 
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Hi there, and welcome!
I totally get that this is not just about threesome sex, and not a cuckold situation you are looking for. Far from it. And I would think that you wouldn't expect "all threesomes, all the time" if you do find two guys to be involved with romantically. And keep in mind that, as you meet people you click with, your fantasy of how it should be could change. Today you might dream about living together with two men totally devoted to you and only you, and although you could meet one guy who is fine in a mono/poly situation and remains monogamous to you, you might find yourself falling head-over-heels for a second guy who is poly and married to someone else already, for example. You never know what life will bring you, so my point is to stay open-minded and never say never!

Are you a mind reader nycindie? Thanks for not only understanding my mentality regarding but the GREAT advice and positivity. :D

What you posted was well said and made me think. I will definitely keep an open mind as I go on this journey. I recently got out of a long term relationship so I am questioning what I "thought" would make me happy and the status quo in general.

I'd hate to accept "good enough" and/or become complacent because I was too scared of external factors to live way I see fit. But I also want to develop certain relationships because they are natural/healthy for me and not just for the experience itself. I am a sensitive person and as Johnny Cash said, far more eloquently, "I keep a close watch on this heart of mine-"
 
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