Couple-hunting in Unicornia

Hi Ray! In in case it was unclear, my intent was to address BU's statements but to direct the whole thing mainly to you since you said you weren't experienced and were looking to learn. :) So, no judgment of you! No judgment of BU either, for that matter, just a differing viewpoint/experience to offer and some surprise on my part.
 
Hi Ray! In in case it was unclear, my intent was to address BU's statements but to direct the whole thing mainly to you since you said you weren't experienced and were looking to learn. :) So, no judgment of you! No judgment of BU either, for that matter, just a differing viewpoint/experience to offer and some surprise on my part.

Ditto! :)
 
. . . with men, sex tends to revolve very much around penises and their functioning. Not that there is nothing wrong with that, but I tend to feel there isn't a lot I can do to bring pleasure to my partners - it's more laying back and having things done unto me, and if for whatever reason Mr. Downbelow isn't up for it, there is little to do.

Wow, this has not been my experience. There is so much to do! And I've had a number of lovers who were focused on me more than their big moment. Maybe the guys you've been with were not very playful nor imaginative. I mean, so many positions, so much fun! My ex would be surprised what I've done to the couch he bought since he moved out! Plenty of stuff to do that's a little different each time. That's what I loved about Shorty, we never did the same thing twice, and it wasn't always focused on his penis. Ahhhh. With my current lover, we're always switching things up, too -- it's never boring! Sometimes I feel like I'm hopping around all night -- turn around, get over here, on the couch, the floor, the bed, up against the wall. I remember hanging off the bed upside down once while anew lover fucked me. I had one hand on the floor and the other holding on to my headboard so I wouldn't land on my skull! It was hilarious. I don't think I've ever just laid back and let a guy do whatever, without any direction from me, unless I was drunk.

Maybe a penis intimidates you in some way? If you find yourself just lying there again, wondering what to do, ask yourself what you'd want that would make it more fun and interesting, and then do it or ask for it! As far as not being sure of what to do to bring them pleasure, Google can help you find wonderful articles and tutorials on fellatio techniques, diagrams for interesting positions, fun toys, etc. As they say at Babeland, "Laugh and don't be afraid to make a mess."
 
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Thanks for all the feedback. This is definitely a personal issue for me, not a condemnation of all straight sex always forever :D. I seem to have a selection bias towards men who have issues with orgasms, mainly, the lack of them. At least with me :(. Which puts me down something fierce.

I know that coming isn't the be all and end all of sex even for men :), but I find there is an ingredient missing nevertheless. So far I've had fully mutual and satisfactory sexual relations with one guy of the four I've been with, so I tend to get a bit pessimistic.

I'm a very vaginal person (is there a proper word for that? guess not :eek:), so intercourse feels wonderful, and I have zero trouble with penises, Indie - I love giving head ;). It's more of a trouble with going through every trick in my books, asking for tips, trying to be imaginative and ending up frustrated.

I feel like I'm using men to masturbate on, in a way, and they don't get the same benefits that I do.
 
Thanks for all the feedback. This is definitely a personal issue for me, not a condemnation of all straight sex always forever :D. I seem to have a selection bias towards men who have issues with orgasms, mainly, the lack of them. At least with me :(. Which puts me down something fierce.

I know that coming isn't the be all and end all of sex even for men :), but I find there is an ingredient missing nevertheless. So far I've had fully mutual and satisfactory sexual relations with one guy of the four I've been with, so I tend to get a bit pessimistic.

I'm a very vaginal person (is there a proper word for that? guess not :eek:), so intercourse feels wonderful, and I have zero trouble with penises, Indie - I love giving head ;). It's more of a trouble with going through every trick in my books, asking for tips, trying to be imaginative and ending up frustrated.

I feel like I'm using men to masturbate on, in a way, and they don't get the same benefits that I do.

I've dated a few men who have had difficulty achieving orgasm during sex. One, even, who had never had an orgasm during intercourse until me (unless you count getting close by hand and throwing it in at the last minute).

I'd be happy to go into more detail about what's going on sometimes and techniques to work through it, but don't want to hijack. Let me know if it's okay to post! :)
 
Post away! The more explicit sex technique advice in one blog, the better!
 
While waiting for the porn to hit my blog (yay!), I have to share a Recent Relationship Revelation I had.

Developing connections really takes time and work!

Whooa, I know. BIG surprise. Who knew that if you are going out with a full-time working, almost constantly sleep-deprived father of two, that you would actually sometimes need to take time just to, I dunno, do relationshippy-stuff?

Vanilla, always the one for practical solutions, suggested I spend time during the weekend with Moonlight one-on-one in our apt, just the two of us, and sleep through the night together if it's okay with Windy. I'm excited!
 
I've never been with a man who was anorgasmic, so I can't say what that would be like, but I did once find myself in bed with a guy friend making out while we were both fairly intoxicated. I know, I know, I shoulda waited until we were both sober, but I knew he was into me and I was into him, so I stuck my hand down his pants.

He was hard, and a few minutes later I asked if he had a condom. He said yes, but said regretfully "I'm too drunk, though, it's not going to work." Me, "?? But you're hard." Him, "I can't come when I've been drinking." Me, "But... won't it feel good anyway? I mean, I don't always come during sex." He looked surprised, as if the idea to just do it for the pleasure of the act rather than the climax hadn't occurred to him. Then we went for it, it was awesome, and he wanted to see me again at the next available opportunity. :D

Now maybe not all men would be that flexible or would feel the same if it was like that every time. But don't feel like you're necessarily just using a guy if he doesn't come... it doesn't mean that it doesn't feel great for him! Again, after all, I wouldn't want my partner to feel bad about sex with me if I couldn't come just because it felt unfair.

I feel like, as bisexuals, we are privileged to get to use our experience with one gender to inform our experiences with the other. For instance, when the topic of penis size comes up, I say -- "I sleep with women and they don't even *have* penises! So clearly it's not an issue." Even a tiny guy can still lick me and work a toy. :D Similarly, orgasm is often not the end-all be-all goal with women, and it shouldn't have to be with men either.
 
Yeah, certainly not all my hot sex with guys has resulted in their cumming every time. Au contraire! Shorty, one of my best-ever lovers, didn't always. Because he had trained himself so well to hold back, sometimes he couldn't cum at all. He would tell me, "It's not going to happen, I held back three times." Another lover of mine would sometimes get overstimulated and couldn't cum. For him, I found that prolonging the actual penetration did help, plus slowing him down to focus on the pleasure and sensations of our bodies together. I've had awesome sex where I didn't cum, either (but I do prefer cumming over not cumming, to be sure). And sometimes I have an orgasm that's like a little blip on the landscape, no big deal at all. Also, remember that, for a guy, there can be ejaculation without orgasm and orgasm without ejaculation. The tricky part is not to let ourselves be disappointed, because we're all waiting for that money shot. I know sometimes I've felt like I didn't do a good enough job if the guy didn't cum, but hey, we're all responsible for our own orgasms. If I don't cum, it's not his fault, and if he doesn't, it's not mine.

Sorry to ramble...
 
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I agree that there are so many ways to enjoy sex and it's a shame there's such a stressor on "end results". :(

Maybe it's our job as sexual explorers to pass the word around: orgasms are not required, creativity is!
 
Tiredness, excessive training, condoms, newness are at least some of the things amounting to this current situation, so I'm not throwing in the towel quite yet.

The thing is, I come VERY easily and often. It's a huge part of my sexual experiences, so I tend to think others should, too, instead of being just able to relax and let others enjoy the ride the way they see fit.
 
Is this trouble cumming an ongoing thing with him, or just with you?

If it's just with you, ask him why? Is he intimidated by your being bi? Is he on anti-depressants? If the answer to both is no, then...

Can he cum, after fucking for a while, by getting out of your vag and having a hj/bj? Sometimes men (or penis-having transwomen) need or prefer the more intense direct stimulation of fingers (with lots of spit, or even better, a good lube). Do you know men have a "clit?" That frenulum just below the head on the underside is the sweet spot. Stroking up and down on the whole shaft and head like a piston can create numbness. Sensitive stroking of the frenulum only is usually a winner for me (with my gf, who has a penis :) ). She has described to me, and shown me, just where and how to stroke her. If he can cum from masturbation, ask him to show you just what he does when he masturbates. He could even get himself off while you watch, taking notes. ;)

Also, some men (and transwomen) get extra excited by some prostate stim. A finger or toy in the ass while stroking the penis can be very productive.

If he's fine with not cumming, and happy to give you lots of Os, on the one hand I'd say, you get to have your big moment(s), so all is good. OTOH, I do like the "money shot" myself, so if a partner never came, I'd be concerned.
 
The thing is, I come VERY easily and often. It's a huge part of my sexual experiences, so I tend to think others should, too, instead of being just able to relax and let others enjoy the ride the way they see fit.


I get you on that one. :)

I think Mad's right in that asking him what he likes will help a lot. It definitely helps to get a handle on what your partner likes and what they feel about coming, etc.

It still amazes me sometimes how completely different our likes, turnons, and even physical experiences of sex can be!
 
Thanks, all! You have such practical advice always, Mags. I had noticed that point, but didn't realize it had a name. And yeah, Minxxa, that's one of the hardest thing about sex - what I like does not equal what everyone else likes!

Vanilla and I chatted about current & prospective secondaries. We agreed that what we find difficult with poly is not so much the aspect of multiple loves, or the existence of loving feelings for numerous people at a time. The devil is in the details of time and energy management.

What is intimidating is the thought that a new partner would enter the picture and consume all the time, energy, interest and sexuality of either one of us. Skyping several hours with an OSO a few times a week is okay - Skyping several hours a day every day is not, especially if the SO is excluded from any company or affection. Staying over at the OSO's place for a few nights per week is okay - moving the OSO in to our place is not. We both need the 'primary'-designation; meaning that if I am to marry, I am to marry her - if I will have children, I will have children with her.

I think my biggest difficulty (besides dealing with my own baggage sexuality-wise) in relationships is that I sincerely believe that if it's true love, there are no real issues - everything will just be perfect because that's how true love is, you know? And if there are issues, it's a sign that things are not working out, i.e. no true love detected -> toss it aside and move on.

My relationships have been bit of a mess lately. Sweetheart, presumed dead and gone, resurfaced after three months of radio silence. I don't know what to think.
 
I think my biggest difficulty (besides dealing with my own baggage sexuality-wise) in relationships is that I sincerely believe that if it's true love, there are no real issues - everything will just be perfect because that's how true love is, you know? And if there are issues, it's a sign that things are not working out, i.e. no true love detected -> toss it aside and move on.

Tell me that you do realize that real life is nothing like that though, right? I mean, if "true love" were really like that it would mean that none of us on this board has ever exerienced it, or else we wouldn't have "real issues" to come here and chat about, which we clearly all do to varying degrees. Hell, even romance novels and movies, with their tenuous grasp on reality, show lovers having to overcome their issues in order to be together
 
Vanilla and I chatted about current & prospective secondaries. We agreed that what we find difficult with poly is not so much the aspect of multiple loves, or the existence of loving feelings for numerous people at a time. The devil is in the details of time and energy management.

What is intimidating is the thought that a new partner would enter the picture and consume all the time, energy, interest and sexuality of either one of us.

I just had to deal with this issue very recently. Energy and focus-- when someone is in constant contact with another person, their energy and focus is sapped and they are never really THERE with you. We had to do a bit more scheduling and dedicate some focused time for US to connect, because for a while I felt like I was living by myself, but with another body wandering through the house at times. :-/
 
Btw, having spent time on this board defending the idea that primary/secondary distinctions can be necessary/useful, it's nice to see another non-newbie talking about how it can be important.
 
Okay, sorry for the delay. Here's my experience with guys that have difficulty cumming during sex.

One cause can be their masturbation technique. Some guys maintain a death grip on their cocks while getting off. Now, unless you've been lifting weights with your vag, I doubt you can match this sensation. Solution would be to stop masturbating or change it drastically, have only sex or lighter stimulation. Basically, retrain the body to cum for sensations other than the death grip.

For guys that have issues with condoms, try masturbating with a condom on, and also putting the condom on a good amount of time before penetration when having sex. This will allow the body to adjust to the decrease in sensation from a condom.

Another guy I dated, said that orgasm was an intensely private thing for him. As a kid/teenager, his parents were very demanding of him, judgemental, and so he had some shame issues to deal with. For those who are "embarrassed" or self conscious about cumming, Dan Savage offers great advice, which I'll do my best to sum up. Basically, he starts by blindfolding you, giving you headphones and music to drown out his fapping, and even duct taping your mouth closed as needed. :p He also wears a blindfold, whatever is needed to feel most private to him. As he gets comfy getting off like this, gradually the sensory-depriving items are removed, until he's able to cum with you watching, or participating with, etc. And you just build from there. The key is to go slowly, and not be afraid to back up a step or two when you need to.

This particular gent I was with also had a death grip, so there was plenty to work on! It was about ... 4 or 5 months into our relationship before he came during sex. He had had previous girlfriends who were not very understanding at all; he described it as feeling like he had to cum to save the relationship. Or, they would get off and not care about getting him off. We just took it really easy, I did my very best to never pressure him; as long as sex had been enjoyable and he felt satisfied, that was enough for me. If he couldn't cum after sex, it was no big deal, we moved on. It also helped him that I had difficulty cumming (meds and my own anxiety), so often neither of us came!

I think in general, society takes the male orgasm for granted. Sorting this kind of thing out is about separating your own issues (i.e. insecurity if he doesn't cum) from his (embarrassment, death grip, etc.). He also needs to want to "fix" the issue. If it's not a problem for him, then that's just something you need to accept.

Phew! That's my spiel. :p Hope it's helpful!
 
Tell me that you do realize that real life is nothing like that though, right?

On some level, yeah - on others, I remain sceptical :D.

...it's nice to see another non-newbie talking about how it can be important.

Haha, I feel like a newbie still, but yes, I could never put this amount of energy and time to yet another person (with the possible exception of our kid someday) that I am putting now into Vanilla, because I am a finite person with finite resources in that respect. She has the first pick of my free time. If she needs me, I drop everything to be there for her. I think it's only fair, because my secondaries have primaries of their own to turn to. And that's why I don't feel it would be ethical of me to start dating a single person right now.

I think in general, society takes the male orgasm for granted. Sorting this kind of thing out is about separating your own issues (i.e. insecurity if he doesn't cum) from his (embarrassment, death grip, etc.). He also needs to want to "fix" the issue. If it's not a problem for him, then that's just something you need to accept.

Thanks for this! We are going to talk this out this weekend.
 
I know a guy that has a tough time cumming... I suspect it may be due to the death grip. ;)

@Bu I can see what you're saying about single people and primaries. I think it's hard as a single person to be a secondary. I'm sure there are some who feel good in that role and enjoy having less of a time commitment. But, I think that I've seen secondaries work better when all parties involved have some sort of primary. I think it's understandable that you'd seek to be with others who have lots going on in their lives and will be less likely to feel neglected.
 
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