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  #2051  
Old 04-30-2017, 06:03 AM
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It was quite a looooong winter. It lasted forever around these parts. Cold, rain and grey. Now it's spring and new life has come.

Things have been going well for the most part. Three meet ups into the Men's group and I find myself with no idea how it's going. Men show up, they seem to get something out of it and I am satisfied each time I reflect on the event. I get little to no feedback. I get none from the Women's group either though and yet the women come each month also. It's been a great experience and I feel I am good at it and making a difference. Recently some of the Women told me they think I am a good facilitator and have a way about me that puts them at ease and that I ask questions and say things that make them think and move forward in their lives. I was glad to hear it and felt proud of myself. It's all I needed and wanted. Unfortunately I think it's set my place in my local community as someone outside of it. I have had no interest from anyone to be my friend let alone been asked out. Maybe because I am unapproachable or not interesting or... I don't know. I'm not free anyways but it makes me sad and feel I am passed my prime.

My boy, LB, turns 14 in two weeks. Can you believe it?! He was 5 when I first started writing here. Now he has dating prospects of his own and I am proud of his approach and respect toward the girls he is interested in. He is frustrated at the level of communication and how low it is... ghosting and childish uncertainty confuses him. He's always been mature for his age and stage however. He says his friends families are "normal" and ours is "weird" with his trans father parent and his ex lesbian mother and his poly upbringing. I have pointed out that what he values grew out of his "weird" upbringing and that while he may not feel he entirely fit in, someone is out there that will match what he values in no game playing honest communication.

The ex, Mono, and all the changes that have taken place are still a daily thought as I move through my days but I no longer have a viseral and emotional response. Occasionally I come across a memory I haven't had yet like the time there was a lipstick kiss on the front door of the suite he lived in with me. I stood at that door that day as I knocked to ask the tennent who now lives there if I could come in with a man from the appliance company to look at his stove and it hit me like a slap to the face. Why was that kiss there? I remember Mono stumbling over his words and my confusion. He had said it was probably a friend teasing him when they had come to his place only to find he wasn't home. I was set back for as much time as it take me to find a way to avoid the memory until I can find some time to be alone with it and allow it to surface. The pain and trauma are still really hard, yet I have found ways to cope, thanks to therapy and hard work.

Plans this summer include a trip to Montreal and Quebec City to visit where I went to university and to visit my neice and my brother. I have a friend from the UK coming over that I met on this very forum and who I met up with last summer on my epic RV adventure around the UK. He has been a rock to me. I have been so grateful and look forward to showing him and his son around. I have some other trips coming up too that involve driving to Oregon to see the solar eclipse at another forum friends house. I hope that one of our mutual friends will be able to make it to that one also. I am going with my ex wife and best friend to that.

My relationship with the man I met two months after my life changed is going well. We have settled into a comfortable routine and he has proven to be healing and grounding to me. So many people have come together to ground me and be rocks for me. I have been very lucky.
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  #2052  
Old 05-24-2017, 02:26 PM
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I had a vivid dream. I dreamt that Mono was feeling all nostalgic and wanted to know how my boy is doing so he reached out. Freaked the shit out of me!

Last night I remembered a detail. I have no where to put these details so I'll start writing them here.

One time we were out in the back garden. I was watering and Mono was putting the extension cord for the mower away. I looked up to his door, which backs onto the garden but is seperated by some stairs and flower gaedens. A woman in her late 20's ran out clutching her stuff. I yelled out for her to stop and she stopped at the corner of the house with her head down. When I approached to ask her what she had been doing there she said she was hiding from her boyfriend who lived down the street. She was escaping from him. She said she saw the open door and had gone inside to hide but realized that she couldn't stay there and decided to leave again. I asked if I could help and held her in my arms while she sobbed uncontrollably. She said she was fine, she had to go now and apologized over and over again. I told her it was okay and she could come and knock on the door if she wanted to. I'd do what I could to help. I didn't see her again. Mono never came over from the yard. He watched while he woind the cord up, from a distance. I wondered why as it was his apartment she'd come from. I told him what happened and he blew it off. He didn't react at all and just went about what he was doing. I checked over the apartment as best I could and suggested he did also but he said he wasn't bothered.

I thought about that all night... what was that about???!!!! It's one of many stories that rattle around in my head.

I am so grateful for my honest and uncomplicated life.
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  #2053  
Old 05-24-2017, 07:30 PM
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^^^ like! ^^^
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  #2054  
Old 05-24-2017, 11:21 PM
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I would like to apologize to everyone involved in my life from 2009-2015 for the needless drama that was caused.

I have a specific person in mind when I write this today. The woman Mono was supposidly seeing on Monday's at lunch time as his attempt at poly when we had agreed to be exclusive was one of many he saw in a week or even a day. I focussed on her only as she is all I knew of.

She had been a friend for several years. She went to the Women's group I facilitated and I went with her to Vegas for our friend's wedding. She was cautious about Mono and said she was in no rush and definitely was not interested in anything if he and I were exclusive for the time being in order to work on our relationship. I told her I was not comfortable at the time and yet, true to how it usually works out, they did not stop seeing each other. At least that is what I was told. I have written about her here if you look back to 2013-14.

Now I believe that he was telling me he was seeing her and other friends in order to gain some time. He was not going to work when I thought he was and now I believe he wasn't seeing people he said he was.

This particular woman I saw on the bus one day when I was with Mono. She sat down and chatted with us as we drove. She could see clearly that I was not happy and looked confused about that. Mono tried to include me in the conversation but I looked out the window and wouldn't engage. I couldn't. I physically couldn't. I remember her confusion at my response to her as we got off the bus and I wonder now if he was seeing her at all.

Shortly after that I lost the mutual friend as she and Mono ended up texting to each other after a party that he passed out at with his phone wide open. I clearly saw his messages to her. They had been flirting all night and ended up in a bathroom together. She apologized and so did he but she cut our friendship and blocked me... both of them did. I think about that often and wonder what happened there.

I would like to apologize for that drama and confusion. I had a part in that I didn't understand at the time and it was likely a part that was lied about as much as he likely lied about them. I don't know the truth but I'm sorry. I miss those friends. Especially the one who's wedding I went to in Vegas. I've reached out a few monthes ago, without expectations, and told her I appreciated her friendship for many years, but she never wrote back.
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  #2055  
Old 05-25-2017, 04:56 AM
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Hey Red, sorry you're hurting. My guess is she's either got a different phone number or she's forced to side with Mono. Don't worry about, that chapter of your life is over if you wish. No need to revisit it except in dreams which you can't control. Find yourself some new friends worthy of the new you.

Good luck, you know this forum will always be here, anonymously, for you if you need.

I learnt a lot from your journeys. Thank you.

Shaya.
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  #2056  
Old 05-25-2017, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaya View Post
Hey Red, sorry you're hurting. My guess is she's either got a different phone number or she's forced to side with Mono. Don't worry about, that chapter of your life is over if you wish. No need to revisit it except in dreams which you can't control. Find yourself some new friends worthy of the new you.

Good luck, you know this forum will always be here, anonymously, for you if you need.

I learnt a lot from your journeys. Thank you.

Shaya.
Thanks Shaya. I have indeed moved on. Every now and then, as if by some underlying force, I am compelled to revisit and go over it again. Such as it is with trauma. I allow that to happen and each time the result has been to take me further away from the trauma. I figure that is healthy for me.

Because I have been to tons of therapy and the therapists all said, "write a blog," I figure I will write it all here where the story first began. Eventually I will have nothing left to say and can at least read back and find the memory.
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  #2057  
Old 09-30-2018, 07:53 AM
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Hey all.

So in the last year I've spent my time facilitating relationship groups for men and women and became a member of another group aimed to support people who have experienced unpleasantness from members of the polyamory (and overlapping) community in one way or another. We haven't got off the ground yet in terms of being actively supportive as it turns out there are many layers to unravel around legalities and agreeing on approach and procedure. Still, I hope to use what I have learned and turn the shit and shine parts of my polymory journey into someone else's benefit. I wrote a thread about it here if you care to add your two cents.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=107677

I've kept my head down and my thoughts and process to myself and have cone a long way from where I was and who I was. I spend most of my time alone and if I am too busy I long to get away from people and do all the little things that make me happy. The relationship I have built with myself is strong and healthy.

I have a boyfriend who loves me and we have fun together. He's kind and generous and most of all faithful. I trust him entirely to be loyal to our agreements. I love him from that as its been a huge source of healing. Big, messy, deep within my soul, love is not there however. I keep him at arms length and wait.

I feel as if I'm ready to launch. Like there is a huge light behind all that is in my life as it is right now. I have a routine with my bf that works and has been sustainable. I have been at my job for years now and while I'm good at it, look toward change. My boy is 15 now and in high school doing really well. I am thriving on my own and don't need anyone's help or guidance. Still I feel as if I have huge potentail and purpose that I have yest to find or achieve. Is it waiting until I'm fully ready? Could it be great love again? Could it be great achievement in other ways? I don't know but I'm putting everything I have out there to find out.

One things for sure, I'm not willing or even capable of allowing anyone to stand in the way of my health and happiness now. I'm getting super good at dropping them like a hot stone if I discover they are not worth my time. I am finding that because of that I don't have many people in my life but those around me are golden. The path becomes very clear when it's lined with bright shiney gold. The path is beginning to light up.
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  #2058  
Old 10-10-2018, 03:44 PM
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I find myself feeling a crush! Oh my goodness I didn't think it possible for me anymore. Time doe's, in fact, heal! Thing is he's married and DEFINITELY not available. I don't even think he has that spark feeling for me. It doesn't matter though, it's been a crush that comes and goes whenever he comes into my life again over the last year. I know him through my job so now I have the awkward and unfortunate task of not being a blithering idiot around him. I'm tending to lean towards seeing others around me as an opportunity to view myself from the out side of myself and from the point of view of sustaining self love rather than directing the love I feel at others. It's a different feeling! It's about me and turned inward as an enjoyable vibration of warmth and ownership. It's all mine. It doesn't matter to me that he returns any feelings as I'm learning so much about how I am and what creation comes from loving. I'm honestly just thrilled to bits to feel anything after three years of numbness and pain. Of course it would feel really good to notice that he is everything I need AND he's sees me the same way too, but it's not to be. It's made me wonder what will come and how my bf will fit in to these new found feelings.
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