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Old 06-13-2018, 02:52 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 2,020

I don't need to be any of those things. What I need is to know I am important/not taken for granted. But I've also had many different levels of relationships at one time. From my wife and nesting partner I only needed to know that we would stay that way.
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Old 06-14-2018, 12:45 AM
UnicornHunted UnicornHunted is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 14

I'm newish to poly (a few years in) and only know other poly couples that practice hierarchical poly. I'm trying to get a sense of how other poly people deal with their insecurities.

I personally don't have any need to feel best/most/only, but my poly meta is still struggling with these concepts. I'm hoping to brainstorm ways in which security in a relationship can be "felt" without an arbitrary insistence on best/most/only. Basically, how others take the focus off "what the Joneses have" and instead turn their focus toward "what we have".
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Old 06-14-2018, 01:54 AM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

My insecurities are mine. It's first up to me to recognize them, & to own them.

After that, it's up to me to ask others in my life for assistance, & to do so promptly & clearly & calmly. I have the right to ask for accommodation of my feelings, & for help in exploring them & maybe changing them into something I like better.
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Old 06-14-2018, 01:58 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,015

I consider it to be an entirely different question when asking how to support a meta dealing with these issues. I don't really think you can. If she wants to best first/most/best and is in a hierarchical relationship then that relationship structure probably supports her desires. I foresee temper tantrums, meltdowns, call and texts during "your" time, battles over who gets what restaurant and which vacations.
Have a look at solopoly.net. Somewhere on there Aggie posts the Secondaries Bills of Rights.
Me: mid 40s female.
Prof: late 50s. 5+ years.
Mr Dom: early 50s . Ex BF and now good friend.
Mr Six: early 50s. FWB for 3+ years.
Mr Lime: Early 50s. Recent meet. Kinky Dom.
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Old 06-14-2018, 02:24 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,918

You cannot help your meta with their issues.

Their issues/emotions/etc are theirs alone to deal with. Playing into their insecurity does nothing other than reinforce it and some times add fuel to the fire.
40 something straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 06-14-2018, 03:26 AM
UnicornHunted UnicornHunted is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 14

Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
I have to admit that sometimes I do want to be "best" or "first" in my partners' lives. This has absolutely everything to do with my own PTSD and mental health issues, which cause me to constantly believe I'm not enough and to fear abandonment. The emotionally wounded parts of my brain are convinced that I won't be afraid my partners will leave me for not being good enough if said partners consider me the "most special" one in their lives.

Intellectually, I know that's bullshit. Intellectually, and in large part emotionally, I don't want to be put ahead of anyone else, so I have no desire to be "best, first, most." That would mean that someone else is "worst, last, least," and I know how it feels to be that, or at least to feel like I'm that, so I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. ....
That's refreshingly honest of you to admit. Thank you for that.
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Old 06-14-2018, 04:55 AM
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majormerrick majormerrick is offline
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 73

To cope with insecurity, I focus on the idea that none of us is truly the "best, first, most, only" or whatever to anybody else. We have unique relationships, and some relationships naturally have a slight priority over others, but we try to mend fences if that happens. With Ares, I have a friendship that has continued for the majority of our lives. That friendship has survived moving from state to state, his first marriage and divorce, and my inability to settle down. With Renarde and Corsac, we were a triad before we joined our other three, and so we share those times and a good bond there.

Obviously, I have insecure moments like everyone else. Pregnancy hormone changes don't help. I worry about abandonment, especially by my GFs, but physical contact tends to resolve those temporary worries. Renarde is especially sensitive to those feelings, and tends to curl up with me automatically if I'm feeling that way. I know she's had abandonment worries since I got pregnant, thinking that Ares is now #1 in my life. Since she is very physical, I never say no to her or fail to make time for her when she wants to kiss, cuddle, or have sex. If I'm working or on my phone/laptop, I put those things away whenever I can tell that someone wants to interact with me. I want to make them feel valued and I appreciate the same gesture.
Me – early 30’s (F) lesbi-flexible. Ares' wife #3
“Ares” – early 30’s (M) straight. my husband, head of our household.
“Renarde” - Late 20’s, (fluid/female) lesbi-flexible. my GF#1
“Corsac” - Early 20’s (F) lesbian. my GF#2
“Reina “- Late 20’s (F) bisexual. Ares' Wife #1
“Swift” – 20 (F) bisexual. Ares' Wife #2, my intimate partner
“Artemis” – late 20’s (F) bisexual, my GF#3.
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