Desired destinations?

StudentofLife

New member
I’ve been thinking lately about the desired destination for myself and The Pidge. Why we have chosen to explore polyamory as a desired state for our relationship, what we hope to gain from it, and how we go about implementing it. We’re aware that without the input of our eventual third person, much of our discussion is in theory only. Still, we need to have some idea where we’re trying to go.

For me, it’s straightforward. I miss having a relationship with a man. I miss the energy, and the absurd feeling of happiness caused by being around someone physically larger and stronger than I am. I feel safe about it, it’s all familiar territory. I just want that NRE again before I get too old and hag-like for it to be possible. What’s new is being able to admit I want it, to try to add it it to an existing relationship without cheating, without guilt. It almost seems to good to be true. In my happy little vision, The Pidge, Toilet Seat Guy and I spend happy, loving time together. We don’t all live together, but sleep-overs happen frequently, and our bed is big enough for three, plus two teddy bears and a cat.

For The Pidge, it’s not so simple. I hope that soon she comes back to the forum and interacts with me and others. I can only say that any man who treats her with gentle loving kindness, who gives her what she wants and makes her happy, will be my hero. That’s the number one priority.

How do some of the rest of you newbies see your journey and envision your destination? What does your ideal world look like, say, five years from now?
 
How does The Pidge feel about your man desires?

As far as I'm concerned, any woman who desires a physically strong man is alright with me ;)
 
My hero

The Pidge says she is totally fine with my man-cravings. I considered myself straight when I met her. She converted me, got her free toaster, and says she has no problem with my still wanting what I had for 30 years before I met her.
My man cravings really weren't just a phase. :)

Big strong men are so wonderful. Little strong men are wonderful. Having someone who can reach the high shelves, and tell me what's lurking on top of the fridge is a dream come true.:p

More important is what does The Pidge want? What will she need, in order to answer that question? I hope she decides to come back to this forum and interact with everyone again.

How about you, M.O.D? What does your five year plan look like? Is it filled with Amazon women inspecting the top of your fridge? Or multiple delicate, swanlike creatures swaying atop stepladders? Spill the beans!
 
Trust me, when you can see routinely on top the fridge, it doesn't seem like such a blessing ;)

My 5 year plan- well I don't have one. My only goal is to become self sustainable money wise. I've been doing quite well on the Internet recently, so just need to give it another 6 months to see if it's sustainable before quitting work and going at it full time.

There's a classical guitarist I like called Juan Martin who I've seen play here in the UK. He runs a guitar school in Ronda, near Malaga in Spain. The plan is to go learn classical guitar there, pick up the language and maybe a few Latina beauties while I'm at it. I would support myself with the Internet income - hence the need to validate that I can do it.

I have no poly type goals yet. Just sniff around and see where I end up.

I think I hear you on the man front. The Pidge feels soft and lovely, but she can't pull you tight in strong arms.
 
The top of the fridge

That sounds like a great plan. I love classical guitar.

Your beautiful Spanish women sound like a great place to start. Can I ask how long you've been pondering an ethically open relationship model for yourself? You may have already posted this elsewhere, I'm sorry if I'm asking you to repeat yourself.

Have you read any of the articles up at Franklin Veaux's Sprawling Web Empire?
Here's a link, in case you'd find it of interest. The man is smarter and more articulate than most, and I found his writing syle to be so easy to read. Let me know what you think, after you have a chance to check it out?

http://www.morethantwo.com/

When I was young, there were these international dolls, they gave them out at gas stations when you got a fill-up. One of them was a Spanish woman, in beautiful full red and black skirts....if I still had her, I'd send her to you. Except now you'd need at least three....:D
 
Personally, I'm wary of any sort of goals or intended destinations in poly. It seems like it's very hard for people to shift once they have their hearts set on something. When you're dealing with the complicated interactions that happen between multiple people, the ability to deal with fluidity seems to almost always be necessary, and pre-determined ideal outcomes don't seem to lend themselves to that.

For instance, in your situation, you're acknowledging that you can't know how things will be without input from a future partner. Very true! But, ultimately, you're still seeking someone who can be with both you and Pidge -- you speak of one person, not of one or more, and you speak of both you and she being involved with that person, so I think it's fair to say that's what you're after? -- and with that comes all the much-written-of pitfalls of unicorn hunting.

To name the most obvious one, let's say you two meet a lovely man who you both like! Step one of the five year plan complete! And he likes both of you! But then, over the course of months of dating, it turns out he clicks with Pidge very strongly... in fact, it's love... but he no longer wants to put his strong arms around you. Will that be ok for you? Or, in the same situation but reversed, will it be ok for Pidge? Or will the disappointment of "failing" to reach your desired destination be a stumbling block to moving forward?
 
I have a 5 year Goal of "me, MC, and TGIB all living in the same town, everyone employed (if desired) and with me finished with my master's if I decide I want to get it." It's not really a Plan, per say. The plan changes as current circumstances change, in order to keep the Goal in sight.

But except for the bit about a master's degree, that's also my This Year Goal. And has been my goal for at least a year already. So...*shrug* no real poly plans except to have TGIB's and my relationship no longer be long distance, however and whenever that ends up happening!
 
Excellent points

For instance, in your situation, you're acknowledging that you can't know how things will be without input from a future partner. Very true! But, ultimately, you're still seeking someone who can be with both you and Pidge -- you speak of one person, not of one or more, and you speak of both you and she being involved with that person, so I think it's fair to say that's what you're after? -- and with that comes all the much-written-of pitfalls of unicorn hunting.

To name the most obvious one, let's say you two meet a lovely man who you both like! Step one of the five year plan complete! And he likes both of you! But then, over the course of months of dating, it turns out he clicks with Pidge very strongly... in fact, it's love... but he no longer wants to put his strong arms around you. Will that be ok for you? Or, in the same situation but reversed, will it be ok for Pidge? Or will the disappointment of "failing" to reach your desired destination be a stumbling block to moving forward?


Thanks for your response, AnnabelMore,

First let me say I'm knee-deep in your blog right now, and loving it. You are such a gifted writer!!:)

You bring up some great points, so allow me to clarify. The Pidge and I have talked about just those subjects. So far what we've agreed on is this:

* TSG meets us, and likes neither of us. Easy to know what to do there.

* TSG meets us and wants intimate relationships with both of us. Also easy.

* TSG meets us, wants intimate relationship with one of us, but only platonic friendship with the other. The one of us not in a physical relationship with TSG is encouraged to continue to meet people who will want that intimate relationship with her, and the only expectation is that general courtesy and goodwill exist for everyone.

In the last case scenario, as we discussed it, we might easily end up dating separate men, our goal would be for the 4 of us to possibly be good enough friends we could do casual, non-sexual activities as a group from time to time.
The Pidge and I feel that either outcome is fine. We simply can't know until we actually start meeting men, and have the missing pieces of the puzzle that are their feelings and desires.

I'm old enough to know that it's rare to get exactly what you want in life. Still, it feels good at this point to dream a little dream.
I have no doubt reality will clue me in soon enough as to what I can actually have.;)
 
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Long distance

I have a 5 year Goal of "me, MC, and TGIB all living in the same town, everyone employed (if desired) and with me finished with my master's if I decide I want to get it." It's not really a Plan, per say. The plan changes as current circumstances change, in order to keep the Goal in sight.

But except for the bit about a master's degree, that's also my This Year Goal. And has been my goal for at least a year already. So...*shrug* no real poly plans except to have TGIB's and my relationship no longer be long distance, however and whenever that ends up happening!


Long distance relationships are always trickier, in my experience. Travel never seems to get cheaper, nor time more plentiful. I really hope that your goals come true for the three of you. And kudos to you for trying for a master's degree, that is a truly impressive goal!:)
 
Brainfruit

How does The Pidge feel about your man desires?

Your question reminded me of something Pidgie and I were talking about a few days ago. She commented that she felt good about my wanting to date a man, because there was no element of comparison or competition immediately apparent for her. She clearly can't be a man, and so she just can't give me that same experience, just as I can't give it to her. Neither of us wants the other to be denied a rich and satisfying life. Admittedly, since all of this is still in the early stages, it will take new turns as we go along, but right now it feels good.

We haven't discussed either of us wanting to date another woman. For her, she's been there, done that, and feels she's found the woman she wants in me. For me, it's a bit more complicated. I have never dated another woman other than The Pidge. The adjustments necessary to move from identifying as straight to identifying as bisexual at the age of 45 weren't effortless. The Pidge is so very worth that effort. I haven't ever met another woman I could say that about.
Still, it'd be interesting to run the topic past her and see what she says.

Thanks, M.O.D.!! :D
 
How do some of the rest of you newbies see your journey and envision your destination? What does your ideal world look like, say, five years from now?
Are you only looking for input from people new to poly?

If you want to read what has already been written by members here about their poly ideals and dreams, there are a few existing threads to check out. Feel free to add your input to whichever thread you feel is appropriate:

Imagine your ideal relationship.


Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

Ideals or Relationships..which comes first?
 
Are you only looking for input from people new to poly?

If you want to read what has already been written by members here about their poly ideals and dreams, there are a few existing threads to check out. Feel free to add your input to whichever thread you feel is appropriate:

Thank you for the links, nycindie.

While my goal was to get a conversation going with newer members, I was under the impression that the general discussion section was open to any and all members, new or established, to use freely. I wouldn't have thought that limiting the discussion in any way, including to only newer members, was either desirable or possible. Please allow me to clarify that I meant any attempt on my part to limit a discussion.

That said, for the more experienced members with established partnerships, a thread about where they hoped to be in five years might have been somewhat anti-climactic, if the majority of answers were basically, "Pretty much where we are right now.":)

In your experienced opinion, should I contact a moderator to ask that this thread be moved from the general discussion area and integrated into an existing thread?

Thanks for your help!:)
 
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While my goal was to get a conversation going with newer members, I was under the impression that the general discussion section was open to any and all members, new or established, to use freely.
Yes, it is.


I wouldn't have thought that limiting the discussion in any way, including to only newer members, was either desirable or possible.
I see nothing wrong with only wanting to hear from people new to poly (or do you mean new to being a member of this forum?). That's what it sounded like when you asked, "How do some of the rest of you newbies see your journey and envision your destination?" I myself started one of the threads I linked to, and that is specifically for solo poly people to discuss what they want. It is not meant for those poly people who are married or in established partnerships. Sometimes people want feedback from others who are part of a specific audience, and that's fine. A few examples: we have threads where members want opinions from people who have children, or are into BDSM, or live together as triads, or are in Master/Slave relationships, or who live on a farm, or are members of 12-step programs, or are virgins, and so on. It's not a problem at all to want to hear from a certain demographic.

When I saw more experienced poly peeps respond, after you asked for input from newbies, I just thought I'd request clarification from you on who you wanted to hear from. Specificity and clarity always helps in communication, so I asked. That's all.


That said, for the more experienced members with established partnerships, a thread about where they hoped to be in five years might have been somewhat anti-climactic, if the majority of answers were basically, "Pretty much where we are right now.":)
Oh, I don't know about that. People change and evolve and grow all the time, and even poly old-timers may not be where they want to be. As I've always been told, one built-in rule in setting up goals for oneself is that the goals can change at any time. We are never the same people we once were, and will never be the same person we are now.


In your experienced opinion, should I contact a moderator to ask that this thread be moved from the general discussion area and integrated into an existing thread?
Up to you. If you want it to be for newbies, leave it. If you want it incorporated into another thread, request that. I only provided links to existing threads to let you know that similar topics were here if you wished to read more. It is always helpful to do a search before posting, and we love it when old threads get resurrected.
 
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I see nothing wrong with only wanting to hear from people new to poly (or do you mean new to being a member of this forum?). It's not a problem at all to want to hear from a certain demographic.


I so appreciate your help in clarifying this! I meant those members new to poly relationships, as my girlfriend and I are. It's very helpful to know that it's okay to ask questions of only a certain segment of the members in the same position as ourselves.



Oh, I don't know about that. People change and evolve and grow all the time...(trimmed) We are never the same people we once were, and will never be the same person we are now.

That is so true, and beautifully stated. I've enjoyed reading your blog, by the way, you are a excellent writer, and your big city life is fascinating and exciting to read about.:)



I only provided links to existing threads to let you know that similar topics were here if you wished to read more. It is always helpful to do a search before posting, and we love it when old threads get resurrected.

In the future, I will be more diligent about searching the tags before I post a new thread. It's good to know that old threads coming back up are a good thing.
You're very kind to take the time to help me with this.:)
 
In the future, I will be more diligent about searching the tags before I post a new thread. It's good to know that old threads coming back up are a good thing.
You're very kind to take the time to help me with this.:)

MOst forums have recurring topics as "sticky" threads, but there are so many popular topics on here that if they were all sticky they would fill up the whole first page even when there are no new posts in them. So, most of these can be found here, but there is a link to this at the top of each subforum called "Moved: Links to other threads worth reading".

I think I've observed that many people who join the forum and hang around for general discussions (as opposed to getting advice for their problem and leaving), tend to behave as if all this is new to them, so it must be new to everyone else, too, and in their eagerness to participate, and nnot seeing the topic they are interested in on the first or second page, assume that no one has ever brought up the topic yet.

Also - there is a difference between tag searches and "regular" searches. Tags are part of a clickable cloud of key words that pull up threads that people have "tagged" at the bottom. Tag searches do not search for a term or keyword in the title or body of the message. "Regular" searches are for seaarching posts and/or threads for specific character strings. These can be narrowed using other fields in the "Advanced Search" dialogue.

Go ahead and play around with these tools. LOok up in the blue bar with the white writing, third from the right, btwn Quick LInks and New posts. Try out different ways of searching for what you want. Don't assume that just because you tried it one way and didn't find something useful, that you won't find it by searching another way. You will not get in trouble nor will you break the website.
 
Cool, your plan and approach sound very grounded and reasonable. :) When there's no one right answer it's much harder to fail.
 
That sounds like a great plan. I love classical guitar.

Your beautiful Spanish women sound like a great place to start. Can I ask how long you've been pondering an ethically open relationship model for yourself? You may have already posted this elsewhere, I'm sorry if I'm asking you to repeat yourself.

Have you read any of the articles up at Franklin Veaux's Sprawling Web Empire?
Here's a link, in case you'd find it of interest. The man is smarter and more articulate than most, and I found his writing syle to be so easy to read. Let me know what you think, after you have a chance to check it out?

http://www.morethantwo.com/

When I was young, there were these international dolls, they gave them out at gas stations when you got a fill-up. One of them was a Spanish woman, in beautiful full red and black skirts....if I still had her, I'd send her to you. Except now you'd need at least three....:D

Haha...your international dolls sound awesome. They would certainly tide me over for a while if nothing else ;)

I have just started looking at that site you posted, and I'm very interested. First page I'm looking at right now is the 'dos and don'ts', and that in itself is some really solid stuff, and I've only read half of it so far.

I'm sure most people here will roll their eyes and say 'shit yeah, that stuff is obvious'...but it's really solid grounding stuff for me.

Thanks!
 
We need a British Doll

Haha...your international dolls sound awesome. They would certainly tide me over for a while if nothing else ;)

I have just started looking at that site you posted, and I'm very interested. First page I'm looking at right now is the 'dos and don'ts', and that in itself is some really solid stuff, and I've only read half of it so far.

I'm sure most people here will roll their eyes and say 'shit yeah, that stuff is obvious'...but it's really solid grounding stuff for me.

Thanks!

Well...they weren't life sized. Maybe I should have mentioned that up front, in case you were imagining...Never mind. :D We probably shouldn't dwell on what you might be thinking of doing with dolls.

I'm glad you like the site! He has so much of value to say. His was one of the first sites I found when trying to learn. Let me know what you find especially interesting, maybe we can chat about it.

Quack!! Quack!!:eek:
 
Well...they weren't life sized. Maybe I should have mentioned that up front, in case you were imagining...Never mind. :D We probably shouldn't dwell on what you might be thinking of doing with dolls.

I'm glad you like the site! He has so much of value to say. His was one of the first sites I found when trying to learn. Let me know what you find especially interesting, maybe we can chat about it.

Quack!! Quack!!:eek:

Haha...I will have to start calling you Ducky.

I haven't read the whole site by any means, but have covered a lot more. I read the stuff on jealousy - both the theory and practice, and it made a lot of sense.

I remember my last girlfriend, when we first met, she told me how she had an affair with her boss who she still works with about 6 months previously. I suddenly felt really really jealous and angry. At the time, I was shocked, because I've never been particularly jealous before.

Those pages really helped me to understand what was going on in my head. Mainly the fear of competition, that this other man might be 'better' than me. That I'm having to compete against the managing director of a big company, someone who swans suavely around the office, issuing out instructions and generally being smooth. These are the images that you find running through your mind.

All pretty ridiculous stuff, which makes it all the more surprising when it happens from nowhere.

Swans and ducks in one single post. This is turning into my local pond.

PS Disappointed about your doll revelation. I was very excited for a second.
 
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