A grey area bystander

StarGazer

New member
I'm not sure if I'm mono or poly or neither, I'm in the grey area I guess. I'm content being monogamous, but when I fall in love with someone else- I'd like to be polyamorous and express my love for that person as well. This happened recently- which got me looking into poly more.

This is a gross generalization that I apologize for- but it seems like polyamory often demands communication and honesty and being open with your partner, while too many people who are monogamous find that half-truths, lies by omission, and "little white lies" are the recipe to a happy relationship. I actually read a bit of Cosmo once- and it essentially said that a happy relationship is based on lies and manipulation, and that your man can't handle the truth.

Obviously, it's an over-generalization, and I'm sorry if I happened to get the one bad article.


About me: I'm asexual, transgendered (I love that you gave the option of putting in your own gender!), married to another asexual transperson. I didn't know my partner was trans when we met, it took them awhile to accept it in themselves, and a bit of me silently wishing they were a transgirl (they're not).


As I think I mentioned I wanted to be in a poly relationship once, very recently in fact. My partner would never be okay with that, really tried to find a way where they would be. I respect that, and, as I said, I'm happy monogamous- and finally realized that the person I wanted to add would've been a bad fit anyways, so I'm back to being content wiht my relationship situation- but still interested in polyamory and like hearing about it and talking about it.



So, hello, newb alert, sorry if that was too long or offensive. Hi.
 
Welcome to the forums! :)

It sounds to me like you are poly since you can see yourself loving more than one person at a time.

You are right that standard monogamous culture is ok with half-truths, lies by omission, and "little white lies" as part of a relationship. However, some monogamous people are starting to learn about polyamory just for the communication and relationship advise that is useful for them. (For example, a woman may be jealous of her husband looking at hot women in porn and feel jealousy. Polyamory advise tries to deal with the source of the jealousy like insecurity instead of the sympton by throwing away the porn.)
 
Welcome Raviaan. Very glad to have you here. I used to live in Spotsylvania, VA several years ago. I think I spelled Spotsy right. Do know where that is? Its near Richmond.

Please post your progress on your costumes in the workshop area. Hope to here from you soon
 
It sounds to me like you are poly since you can see yourself loving more than one person at a time.

I wasn't sure, because the general vibe I got from poly is not just that- but also that you crave being with more than one person/having the option, so a monogamous relationship wouldn't work. I posted my previous situation (with the person I would've liked to also be my partner, which has since passed) on a poly forum, and a person was quite insistent that if I am poly, then eventually I won't be happy with monogamy- and I don't know if that's true or not. There are definitely things I find appealing about polyamory, and if I found the right people it seems like it could be wonderful, but a much bigger thing is that I want my partner involved (not in the relationship necessarily, not as more than friends, but in my life), and if I can't find a way that my partner's comfortable with it- it's not happening.

However, some monogamous people are starting to learn about polyamory just for the communication and relationship advise that is useful for them. (For example, a woman may be jealous of her husband looking at hot women in porn and feel jealousy. Polyamory advise tries to deal with the source of the jealousy like insecurity instead of the sympton by throwing away the porn.)

That is a good thing, and seems healthier. I think a lot of people fall into the trap of htinking that a relationship without arguments is a happy/healthy relationship- so do things like treating the symptom instead of the cause because throwing away the porn is easier than having to tackle the insecurity. The woman is happy because now the porn is gone and she's not feeling the jealousy, the man's probably not totalyl happy, but they avoided an argument- so "everyone wins". More like no one wins, but people can have their own ideas about what makes a situation work.
 
Welcome Raviaan. Very glad to have you here. I used to live in Spotsylvania, VA several years ago. I think I spelled Spotsy right. Do know where that is? Its near Richmond.

Please post your progress on your costumes in the workshop area. Hope to here from you soon


I think you posted that in the wrong thread, Celeste. :)
 
I wasn't sure, because the general vibe I got from poly is not just that- but also that you crave being with more than one person/having the option, so a monogamous relationship wouldn't work. I posted my previous situation (with the person I would've liked to also be my partner, which has since passed) on a poly forum, and a person was quite insistent that if I am poly, then eventually I won't be happy with monogamy- and I don't know if that's true or not. There are definitely things I find appealing about polyamory, and if I found the right people it seems like it could be wonderful, but a much bigger thing is that I want my partner involved (not in the relationship necessarily, not as more than friends, but in my life), and if I can't find a way that my partner's comfortable with it- it's not happening.

I'm not sure that 'craving' is a necessary element, and I suspect the person on the other forum may be smoking something. It may be true for them...that they could never be happy being mono...it doesn't have to be true for you. Just because you are open to the idea of poly, doesn't mean you have to act on it...nor that you are doomed to misery if you decide to remain mono. And looking at your own words above, you seem to have these things already figured out...including the wisdom to recognize that relationship advice by the likes of Cosmo et al. is a recipe to the divorce & infidelity society we live in. Mono or Poly, communication, honesty, disclosure is key. Trust yourself.
 
I'm not sure that 'craving' is a necessary element, and I suspect the person on the other forum may be smoking something. It may be true for them...that they could never be happy being mono...it doesn't have to be true for you.
I've seen stories from a lot of people who tried to be monogamous only to realize it didnt' work for them, I hadn't really seen anyone who was poly and happily monogamous- I guess they wouldn't seek out forums or I'm looking in the wrong places. :) Thanks for the clarification, and thank you for your kind words.
 
This is what I was talking about in the "Question" thread.

I would actually prefer never having to deal with this again (falling in love with someone besides my husband); but it happened once, and I would rather be prepared should it ever happen again.

I'm definitely not trying to "be polyamorous".
 
I've seen stories from a lot of people who tried to be monogamous only to realize it didnt' work for them, I hadn't really seen anyone who was poly and happily monogamous- I guess they wouldn't seek out forums or I'm looking in the wrong places. :) Thanks for the clarification, and thank you for your kind words.

There's anecdotes on either side of the coin...for every story of a poly not being suited to mono, there's a similar story of a mono's not being suited to poly (or the more frequent cheating version that society is somehow more comfortable condoning).

As for poly's being happily mono...I can't exactly claim to be one since my own journey into poly has been tentative and theoretical at best. I appreciate the options, and the openness...a lot of it appeals to me. That said I've been living very happily in a mono lifestyle for over a decade...and I see no reason why I couldn't remain that way if I chose, either for my own sake, or that of my partner. I don't think I have enough ego/identity/whatever invested in poly to make it hard to let go of if I needed to. Such things are invested in my partner, and our relationship!

There are others I've known to be interested in poly, but choose to remain mono for their partner, and are very happy. The membership here is still growing, but I've seen them on other poly groups/lists. With all things though...time will tell.
 
Welcome to the forum. I am a widowed guy who might be comfortable with monogamy, but choose to believe that I can love more than one woman, and would not wish to hurt the first woman since my departed wife to love me. Essentially, I have poly thrust upon me because I will always love my first wife.

I don't mind white lies. In fact I do think that there are some that are necessary, but anyone lies to me on an important detail, or with intent to hurt me or someone else, and they will get a strong rebuke.
 
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I have heard of some poly people going monogamous for awhile. For some, poly is an option. For others, it is a must-have. If someone is open enough to love many people, that is poly enough for me. :)
 
There's anecdotes on either side of the coin...for every story of a poly not being suited to mono, there's a similar story of a mono's not being suited to poly (or the more frequent cheating version that society is somehow more comfortable condoning).
It seems like they often overlap- the poly brings it up with their partner, the mono partner realizes it wouldn't work for them, the poly tries to respect that and at some point ends up cheating. :/

I appreciate the options, and the openness...a lot of it appeals to me.
I think the love and family aspects appeal to me more, I've been reading polyfamilies.com, and that's the kind of thing I'd like. Obviously you can't say "I know what I want, now I'm going to find someone(s) who'll make it happen!". My personality, and identity make it unlikely I'll find many suitable partners even if I was a serial monogamist, so it's not a big deal if that never happens. It's more a "it'd be nice if".


I don't mind white lies. In fact I do think that there are some that are necessary, but anyone lies to me on an important detail, or with intent to hurt me or someone else, and they will get a strong rebuke.

I'm not fully comfortable on white lies, I never got the concept of a harmless little lie. I'm sure they're fine in moderation- but I also think people can spin entire webs of them and turn a few white lies into a larger deception if they aren't careful. I wouldn't be upset at one- but I'd be wary if they showed up too much.

I have heard of some poly people going monogamous for awhile. For some, poly is an option. For others, it is a must-have. If someone is open enough to love many people, that is poly enough for me. :)

Thank you. :)
 
I'm not fully comfortable on white lies, I never got the concept of a harmless little lie. I'm sure they're fine in moderation- but I also think people can spin entire webs of them and turn a few white lies into a larger deception if they aren't careful. I wouldn't be upset at one- but I'd be wary if they showed up too much.

Even white lies are dangerous, but what do you tell the cops when they come looking for your friend who is hiding in the basement?

What do you tell a woman who says; "Do these pants make me look fat?"

IMO, it must be a very rare ocurrance, but it must not be explicitly ruled out for the sake of personal and family protection. I actually committed myself to truth, and not telling lies. I lasted two weeks. I went on a job interview, and they had a question: "Have you ever been arrested?" I knew that they could not legally ask that question, so I lied. There is a legal question they can ask in my state, and it is something like this:

Have you ever been convicted of a felony which did not end in a admistrative dismissal?

(some felonies are dismissed through special programs of the State court system)

It was easier to lie and get the job than to sue them for asking the question on a job application.
 
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IMO, it must be a very rare ocurrance, but it must not be explicitly ruled out for the sake of personal and family protection.
There are times it's necessary, I can understand that- which is why it isn't something to complain about every time. But I think some people risk getting into the habit of doing it too much, and that's something that can be a problem.
 
There are times it's necessary, I can understand that- which is why it isn't something to complain about every time. But I think some people risk getting into the habit of doing it too much, and that's something that can be a problem.

The less you do it, the more freely you can call others on it. It is the way it works. It is not a good habit, and it destroys relationships. I won't have a compulsive liar in my life, and I will call you on it if it is big enough, especially when the intent is clearly to do harm to another. I don't think I will tell your kids about the real Santa Clause.
 
Alpha you are correct. You really can't have any lies in any relationship. Where does it stop? Honesty is the most important thing in any relationship. Without it, wouldn't everyone just be left to wonder, what really is real?
 
In my case I realized I was totally in love with both women, and had trouble with the idea of living without either of them. So I guess it turned out I was poly. I wouldnt have known that I was capable of this. Of course as I found out, when you find yourself in that situation and one of the people simply cannot accept you like that, you end up in an extremely difficult pickle.

As someone close to me once said, every relationship is unique and defines itself. Trying to fit it into a box just doesnt work. I could easily see myself not being poly at all with my new love. Not necessarily because I got burned on this, but because no one may ever come alone that we both really want in the relationship. I know we would be somewhat open, but very reserved.
 
White, you realized exactly what I went thru, except so far I've been able to keep both women in my life. I am truly a lucky guy. I can empathize with you not going down this poly road again. Perhaps we're meant to experience many different relationships in our life just like we're supposed to change career paths quite a few times along the way?
 
Well, most of us were never trying to be poly--we just found it perfectly natural to be attracted to and involved with more than one person at a time.

When the song asked "did you ever have to make up your mind?" my response was to wonder why I had to choose only one. Why couldn't I be involved with both girls?

(I realize that song may be too old for some folks to catch the reference. That's OK...I've adjusted to being old.)
 
SC, I can appreciate the song, been there when it was popular too. Just ironic that it took me to this age to seriously consider living what the rest of our society considers outside the box.
 
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