Nervous

Well since this has become my blog I just thought that I'd talk about the wonders of taking yourself out for a date. I was good to myself today. I had an afternoon and an evening to myself. I took myself to have my eyebrows cleaned up and then to the lingerie store to get myself some new ultra-feminine lacy underthings. Then I worked on some crafting projects and went for a swim. Finally I took myself out to dinner and people watched while I ate. I was wondering how many people aren't what they appear. All in all this is something that I need to do more often. I think that I've become disconnected from myself. I spend a lot of time taking care of everyone else and sometimes I have to take the time to take care of me. It seems like such an obvious thing but sometimes it's so hard to do. I know I have a weekend coming up without kids. At least part of that time will be all about me, no cleaning the house, no worrying about doing things for anyone else. Just time for me to sit with a coffee and watch the world go by (and then maybe go window shopping).

-Derby
 
I just woke up from a bad dream. I have no idea why our minds like to create issues that haven't even happened yet. I have a plane to catch today and I was worried before going to sleep that I was going to miss it and I think that's why the dream happened.

Anyway what happened was that I missed a flight in my dream (and somehow I was in my childhood house but my husband was there with me). Anyway I'm getting all pankicked about having to get another flight and get home to the kids. So my husband was on the phone and I was trying to get him to get off the phone so that my sister could call my friend to let her know that I wasn't going to be on the original flight. We dealt with that. Then I was running around in a panick trying to sort things out and needing my husband's help. And what does he do in my dream? He decides that this is the perfect time to message his new GF on the computer to tell her that he's sorry but their date is going to have to wait since I'm not gone yet.

How that felt to me was like when I went out from my friend's house a few months ago to go swimming with some people who didn't show up. I get back about a half hour later feeling really abandoned to find that as soon as I was out of the house she had called her new GF over. It gives me the feeling that I'm just in the way.

The stupid thing is that this dream hasn't actually happened and the hurt that I'm feeling is from a friendship and not from my husband. Everything just gets all mixed up in dreams. On the bright side there's absolutely no way I'm actually missing my flight this morning since I'm up at this rediculous hour.

I'll be so glad to be home. Tonight it's a quiet night with the kids and possibly a movie. Then tomorrow it's dinner and dancing with some of my favourite people. (I am extra excited about seeing one of those favourite people ;))

-Derby

ETA it wasn't the fact that he was letting his GF know he was going to be late, it was that I was in the middle of a crisis and needed some help to get things in place. So it was the feeling of being an annoyance rather than anything to do with the courtesy of letting someone know that you're going to be late.
 
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Some things that are special about me. I am good at figuring out how things work. I generally only need to have something explained to me once before I get it. I am able to simplify complex things that I understand in a way that lay people can understand and work with. I am detail oriented, this leads me to be quite good at planning events. I am fearless, willing to try just about anything once, from food to adventures. I am strong, both physically and mentally. I am not malleable, I am who I am and I believe what I believe and I am not moved to change because someone doesn’t like it. I am caring, I give of myself freely if I am able. I am a good cook. I am honest and dependable. I can multi-task. I am loving. I give great hugs. I have a good sense of humour, I can find the funny in most situations. I am adventurous. I have an eye for colour and pattern. I am creative and inventive. I persevere. I am protective of those I love. I feel things deeply. I am considerate of others.

That's all I can come up with right now. Maybe I'm not so disposable and replacable as I thought.
 
Sometimes we have to find it within ourselves though. It doesn't matter how much someone else tells you something, it doesn't help you to believe it. I had a really hard time not qualifying the statements though. It's so much easier if I can put a "but" at the end of anything good I say about myself. What does that say about me??? :eek:

At least this was a productive use of my time while I wait for my goodnight call. I'm getting antsy as it's almost 3am there. Ah well, deep breaths, too bad my distractions are sleeping.

-Derby
 
Sometimes we have to find it within ourselves though. It doesn't matter how much someone else tells you something, it doesn't help you to believe it. I had a really hard time not qualifying the statements though. It's so much easier if I can put a "but" at the end of anything good I say about myself. What does that say about me??? :eek:

At least this was a productive use of my time while I wait for my goodnight call. I'm getting antsy as it's almost 3am there. Ah well, deep breaths, too bad my distractions are sleeping.

-Derby

Keep breathing Derby. It will all be good. :)
 
Some things that are special about me. I am good at figuring out how things work. I generally only need to have something explained to me once before I get it. I am able to simplify complex things that I understand in a way that lay people can understand and work with. I am detail oriented, this leads me to be quite good at planning events. I am fearless, willing to try just about anything once, from food to adventures. I am strong, both physically and mentally. I am not malleable, I am who I am and I believe what I believe and I am not moved to change because someone doesn’t like it. I am caring, I give of myself freely if I am able. I am a good cook. I am honest and dependable. I can multi-task. I am loving. I give great hugs. I have a good sense of humour, I can find the funny in most situations. I am adventurous. I have an eye for colour and pattern. I am creative and inventive. I persevere. I am protective of those I love. I feel things deeply. I am considerate of others.

That's all I can come up with right now. Maybe I'm not so disposable and replacable as I thought.

your cute.... you forgot that one ;)
 
I was trying to stay away from physical, it's not something that you can always rely on not to change. The core of what I am that makes me special will always be there (except maybe for having a strong body).
 
I'm desperately trying to maintain my adult composure and not turn into a giddy school girl. I had a really nice evening yesterday.
 
Just a bit of an update. I'm working on finding my place in this new dynamic. I worry about feeling like I'm just the boring old wife who's there to take care of the house and the kids and that I'm not exciting and shiny and new anymore. I also worry that what I do will be taken for granted.

My filter that I hear things through was on again last night. But I did address it and hopefully the feeling of being placated so that my husband can have sleepovers will subside. I find that the more that particular issue is talked about the more I am resistant to it. If I can figure out why I will post about it. I think it might just be a part of my personality. Maybe I'm just contrary.

I wish I knew how not to compare myself and my relationship with my husband. These are 2 different relationships and they aren't going to progress in the same way. It's just that he was so very cautious in getting involved with me, at least emotionally, and I see this new relationship developing in a much different way. Which brings up the having been settled for thoughts again.

I'm glad I can come on here and type things out to help me get my thoughts in order a bit. Over all it's nice to see him happy and it's good that he's getting himself out of his little room. I'm just finding that sometimes I need it to be about me. So when it is about me, either on line or on the phone I need it to be all about me without a conversation going on with his new girlfriend too. Hopefully that doesn't make me selfish. I would also expect him to let me know when it's ok for me to contact him when they're together and when it is their alone time. I also need to know at what time that alone time is over.

I'm not enjoying this roller coaster. I'll be glad when things aren't so up and down anymore. It's already better than it was last week. I'll be ok to keep the highs I just don't want to have the lows anymore.

I got me some cuddles on Saturday evening. It was very comfortable and very hard to leave. I'm looking forward to booking a date soon. I'm not sure what else to say here that isn't going to end in me embarrassing myself so I'll just leave it at that for now.

-Derby
 
I'm all hung up on time these days. My husband has all the time in the world to explore his new relationship being that he's somewhere where all he's responsible for is doing his job. Meanwile I'm here with a house and kids and a huge amount of frustration about not being able to set aside the time I would like to to persue my own new relationship. I know that there shouldn't be this comparison with how much time each of us has but it does strike me as incredibly unfair. I was asked by a friend yesterday if I was jealous and truthfully I'm not jealous I'm just frustrated. The frustration has way more to do with the situation I'm in than it does with this new realationship of his. If anything his new girlfriend has made me realize how much I love him and why I love him so much.

-Derby
 
Sleep didn't really happen last night. My mind was too busy. I'm feeling like there's no one who really understands my situation and it bugs me when they say that they do. I got an email from my husband's new GF and most of it was really nice and I enjoyed reading it but I got hung up on her saying that she understands how I'm envious. She thinks it's all about the relationship, it's really not. The relationship has just thrown the way I feel into much sharper relief. I felt the same way when he was out with friends every weekend while I was home and when there were pictures of him on the beach in Mexico when it was winter here and I was home. I'm just feeling it far more often these days. It's not a good thing to get hung up on something so small where it's leading to me losing sleep over it. Yep, less time with my thoughts would be a good thing. I'm bad company to myself. Hopefully I'm better company for others!

I'm guessing there must be someone else out there who really has gone through the same experience as me. I just feel really alone in it. So if anyone else out there has a SO who goes away for half a year at a time and has 2 small kids let me know ok? :D I love my kids and I love being a parent but I must say it's really hard to be "trapped" at home once they're asleep.

-Derby
 
Actually I do get this, Derby. When my kids were younger we lived in a rural area and I had no access to babysitters pretty much their entire childhoods. When my husband would go away to visit his girlfriend overseas for months, and I was pretty much a full-time nanny and dog-sitter with nothing but online contact to keep me from going insane (ok, I went sort of insane). :p

My suggestion is to take as much advantage as you can of opportunities to go out both with your kids and to use sitters when you can get them. The reality is that he's able to spend more free time than you are right now because of how you've structured your work and lives, and while envying him is natural, it won't help you feel any better. It might also be worth figuring out if some of your feelings come from a desire to do something different in your life that might be unrelated to your relationship or your kids.

I suggest making him aware of how you feel and trying to figure out at least some small steps towards him helping you with this when he can. Are there ways you can both restructure your lives to make things easier on you?

I also suggest trying to get some of the fun to come to you -- can you have people over more often to keep you company so that you don't have to leave your place and the kids?

Finally, I suggest not getting down on yourself about this. All parents with young kids, in my experience, feel this way at least some of the time -- they DO cramp our style and when a partner has a lot more freedom it's pretty rough. It doesn't last forever, but at the moment it feels pretty unfair and lonely.

Oh, and also, it's ok to let your partner and even your kids know that Mommy sometimes needs her own alone/playtime to feel happy. Everyone does -- kids get that, they really do -- and the happier you are, the happier your family will be, too. It *does* get easier.

Hm. I see a need for a poly-daycare support network... ;)

*hugs*
 
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