Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-09-2012, 06:50 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

It sounds like they are mostly concerned about the welfare of the kids. Is it possible that they are thinking of whether or not this issue makes you unfit as parents and may want to challenge your custody of them? (in that case, you could say they never had a problem with it before they know, so how does knowing this suddenly change how well you parent?) You might want to read Redpepper's blog or PM her. Her parents thought that their grandson's home situation was abusive and I believe they took them to court, but now they all get along very well when they proved that her son was not being abused by anyone.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-09-2012 at 06:55 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-10-2012, 06:32 PM
learner learner is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 47

Thank you for all your replies - some very useful advice for dealing with my parents in general!

In answer to a few of your questions - yes they were getting suspicious that 'something' was going on - the kids were mentioning my boyfriend's name a fair bit. I thought it was better to give them the facts than have them invent things in their heads, and at the time we had the conversation, it went very well, a few minor objections, but generally no big reaction. I constantly live in hope that my parents have changed but I was half expecting some kind of backlash.

I'm not really worried about any custody issues - they are constantly criticising how we look after the kids, despite the fact that they are all well behaved, well adjusted and happy, but I don't think they would ever go that far. We would also have the support of my husband's parents if this happened. I suspect that this conversation, if it takes place, will be mainly aimed at making us feel guilty, I don't think they will actually have any action in mind to come out of it.

In general, if I was giving advice to anyone else who wanted to come out to their parents, I would suggest giving the minimal amount of information necessary and not think that the conversation's going well, and hence spill all of it.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2012, 05:25 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

I am a child of a father who had affairs with many women; and several of them came home for dinner. I do not know if my mother knew it while she was making dinner for them, or if she found out later. Some of them brought me presents. I had no idea that they were women with whom my father was having affairs (until much, much later ~ when I was recipient of many stories by each of my parents about the other).

I suffered zero harm from meeting these women, I had fond memories of some (those memories have faded now, but given the giant amount of bad memories, it's nice to recall there were some not-bad ones too). I suffered a great amount of harm from the fact that my parents had a lousy relationship. But being exposed to his lovers? nothing.

I don't think that will mean a great deal to your parents, but I did feel compelled to share that for anyone who might find it helpful (and especially anyone who needs encouragement to make their relationship better so that the children suffer less).

I would encourage you to be very very careful about exposing your children to people who criticize you that much. I remember telling my boyfriend in high school that if we got pregnant we could never leave the children with our parents (because our parents were horrible). Be very very careful what you share with people like that. People like that often believe they love you and/or that they're doing the right thing 'for the children,' and they do things like call child protective services.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2012, 12:17 AM
milagro milagro is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
Default coming out as poly

how do you go about it?

I have come out as poly to a few friends recently, all who are very supportive about it. My primary partner has done the same to his friends. Tonight, I am sitting with him and one of the friends he's come out to, and something about his secondary (fwb) came up. I actually mentioned her. then I remembered the other friend in the room knows about the poly situation, but that friend and I haven't talked about it. Anyway, I feel like I want to acknowledge my poly relationship, but it seemed kind of off topic to our conversation, so I haven't bothered to say anything.

I guess my real question is: how do you come out to people? who do you come out to? what are your good/bad experiences with coming out as poly?
Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2012, 12:42 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

Here are a couple of tag searches of various threads that cover this topic: threads tagged "coming out poly" and threads tagged "coming out".

Different people use different approaches, so reading through a few of these threads may be helpful. You may also use different tactic/approach with different people (only in person for one person, a letter for someone else, etc).

I personally haven't come out to any of my family - except my sisister, but she figured it out on her own more than I came out. Almost all of my friends know. Nowadays, it just gets mentioned pretty early on that I'm married and dating people, so it's obvious and people can ask questions as they need to. It also helps that about 75% of the people I'm meeting these days are friends of (poly) friends or from a poly meetup. lol

I've never had a bad experience. Most people haven't been surprised, because I just don't really try to hide it.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2012, 12:49 PM
Pliglet Pliglet is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 45

I just told people recently. Very matter of fact about it. Everyone important inmylife is aware (immediate family and most friends), and the only reason there was an initial sense of weirdness was because of who my partners are not that there is two of them

But i'm in a triad, so it's an every day 'in your face' lifestyle for the friends we spend time with. Not sure what I'd do with more casual relationships :-)
Our FMFTriad + 3 children + 2 pets = one crazy household
Reply With Quote
Old 08-23-2012, 11:21 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

We all live together, so it tends to come up at some point when people see me kiss one and at another time kiss the other.

But, we're not "in the closet" about much of anything-so we don't make a production out of "coming out".

We just don't make an effort to act or talk different on account of who is listening.

So, for example, if I'm out with bf, I introduce him as bf. If I'm out with dh I introduce him as dh. If I'm out with both I will introduce them both.

(although most frequently-it doesn't happen that way-it happens as I said, people see me kiss one goodbye or hello, see me kiss the other and then ask)

Or the kids say something and provoke questions from people.

"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2013, 07:00 AM
Pyuvii Pyuvii is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 32
Default 'Coming out' as Poly

Got some Q's for you fine folks;

How/when do you 'come out' to people as poly, both to friends, and to people you're interested in?
Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2013, 07:26 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

Mega-thread on coming out.

List of useful/informative mega-threads.

(To whomever it may concern: Feel free to refrain from lecturing me or making third-person disapproving commentary because you don't like the fact that I answered by posting links to other threads without sharing a personal anecdote that is relevant to the topic. Been there, done that, gave at the office and got the free T-shirt.)
Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2013, 02:53 PM
Pyuvii Pyuvii is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 32

Oh, awesome! Thanks (sorry I'm quite a bit new to this still, I probably should have seen that Master Thread XD)
Reply With Quote

advice, coming out, coming out poly, coming out to kids, family, friends, invitations, mono, poly, quad, society, workplace

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:24 AM.