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Old 01-25-2012, 03:32 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 104

In our situation, the guys have been friends for almost a decade and have been in each other's families to various extents. If anything, I was the complete newcomer.

You can tell there's a bit of puzzling out between some of the parents. Some are more curious than others but would never ask. Mine? Well, I've put them through enough through the years. My mother has blatantly told me "there are some things a Mom doesn't need to know." That said, she loves the guys and frequently asks how "my family" is doing.

Where I have more trouble is at work. I work long hours with very traditional people who think nothing of being married several times or boasting of the threesomes they've had after nights at the bar. However, I get the feeling that if it became common knowledge that I was in a committed relationship with two men, I'd have a big, big headache on my hands.

So, as everyone gets engaged around me, I smile and say that no, nothing like that is going to happen with my boyfriend (they know about one, not the other). It's really hard to bite one's tongue, but I'm getting better at it.
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Old 01-28-2012, 11:43 PM
JohnnyDangerously JohnnyDangerously is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 31

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
It came up in another forum that I am poly.

One other member's reaction? "That's handy. If one dies or leaves you, you've got one left!"

That was shocking. I can't imagine people saying something similar for friends, or siblings, or kids, or any person you can have several of. And what is that supposed to mean, that if one dies I won't be sad because I have someone left? Then if your mom dies should you be okay because you have your dad left?

I got so confused, because that post didn't even read like it was supposed to be aggressive.
OMG -- WTF??? What an ass! That's like saying it's a good thing someone has three kids so they will still have some if one dies!!!

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Old 02-06-2012, 03:28 AM
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trescool trescool is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59

As a LGBT advocate and political activist for a long time, I have seriously been questioning whether to come out as a bi-sexual polyamorist for some time now.
I understand exactly what you are saying, ChloeJane. I too am a LGBTQ activist. But when the opportunity to bring up polyamory arises in the meetings I attend or participate in... my lips seem to stick shut. I am openly bisexual, but coming out as poly... it's questioning one of the most fundamental values of our society, monogamous marriage AND the structure of the family. It's tough.
The way has been paved a bit for us with gay rights, people nowadays do seem to think that "whatever you chose to do with your life, it's okay as long as everyone is a consenting adult"... that is a big change from the past 50 years. But my bf's family completely FREAKED when they found out he was poly... it did NOT go well. So it's hard to know what to do when I want a stable family with my bf and any possible future OSOs, and being out and acknoledging that they're important people in my life, even living with them is so important to me... but I dearly love my family (parents and siblings and extended family). I don't want to alienate them, and I do NOT think they'd react well.
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:12 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Oh yeah, I was thinking about updating that I told my brother. He's a few years younger than me, and we don't hang out or have contact that much but we're still sort of close. So, I had decided that I'll tell him when I feel like it's a good time, and it came up when we met when I was visiting the country I'm from. I'm happy it did. The conversation was way from smooth, something like:

brother: So who will you be meeting when you're here?
rory: We'll, *lists a few names, some of which he has heard before*
b: Mya, who's she?
r: umm, a friend..sort of, well, umm, she's my girlfriend.
b:... ...
r: well, umm, we are in a relationship, and it's just like 'normal' dating except that both of us are already married..
b: ... *continuation of a stunned look and a really long silence*
r: you know, I know this isn't really common stuff so it's okay if you're all "what the fuck!"...
b: ... Okay, so what the fuck? And Alec is okay with it?
r: yeah, he is fine with it. I'm not expecting any particular reaction from you, but you can ask me more, or you can ask him, or anything.

So we left it at that a month ago (and we didn't really have time to go into it more in the situation), but I exchanged messages with him, because I realised I didn't really give him all the relevant info. So, something like this ensued:

r: (I did write other stuff, too) About the dating others thing, I didn't mention to you that me and Alec are in an open marriage, and he can see other people as well. I know you didn't ask for more info or anything but I didn't want you to get the picture that I'm just messing around and he sits there watching or something. It's more balanced than that. We've had this arrangement for several years, and not because we're not enough to each other but because we don't see any reason for monogamy. And there hasn't really been any reason to talk about it to other people, except now that I'm in a relationship with Mya, and we're serious (together almost a year), so I want to tell people who are close to me.

b: okay, don't really know what to say to that, but it's not really any of my business, but I was in kind of a shock when you first told me.. But you've got to admit that's not the kind of thing you're expecting to hear. And I'm not going to say that I understand that kind of thing, it feels sort of twisted, but then again, you're married to Alec and I'm just your conservative brother.

r: yeah, I'm not really expecting you to understand, I think there's a difference in how conservative we are in general.. And it's okay that it was a shock, but I think it's cool that you still approach it with a attitude that it doesn't really matter if you don't understand on a personal level.

Overall, I'm really happy that I felt like telling him, and that he now knows everything relevant. I'm also happy I sent him a follow-up, even though it felt awkward. And I'm glad about his response. I mean I really didn't expect him to understand, since I had a feeling he knows nothing about open/poly relationships, and he's sort of a conservative guy in general. But not in that kind of a judgemental way, just like I can't imagine him ever (or if he doesn't change a lot) doing something so out of the ordinary in his own life. But I feel that even though he doesn't get it, he hasn't let it affect our relationship in any way, and that's cool.
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Old 02-13-2012, 07:24 PM
HanaPipers HanaPipers is offline
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Old 04-09-2012, 08:07 AM
learner learner is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 47
Default Coming out issue

Hi all,

We've been gradually coming out to people over the last few years, mainly explaining things as an 'open marriage' because more people understand that term, although in our case it is polyamory. About a week ago I came out to my parents (and my husband has since come out to his parents, which went fine in his case).

I have had a rocky relationship with my parents in the past, and although they initially seemed relatively accepting, they have now come back with a load of issues, the main one being that they are 'angry' that I have introduced my boyfriend of 6 months to my (young) children.

From my point of view, there is no intention that he will ever have any parental responsibility for the children, he has been introduced as a friend and I don't see this as being any different to any of my other friends meeting the children. He sometimes has dinner with us, but again so do my other friends. Their opinion is 'but I'm not sleeping with my other friends'.

I was expecting some form of attack from them - this fits in with our previous issues where nothing I do is ever good enough, I have never thought through all the consequences etc. etc.

However, we are pencilled in for some form of 'discussion' at some point (although I have stated that I want my husband to be present for this because otherwise I will be bashed with no support, they've already started on me a few times), and we are going to need to resolve this somehow.

Does anyone have any advice as to how we can resolve this? I have no problems coming up with counterarguments to their concerns, but they are not people you can reason with - if they believe themselves to be right then I am automatically wrong and nothing is going to change that.

Many thanks for listening.
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Old 04-09-2012, 01:11 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,275

Why discuss this at all with them at this point? If it is just going to be a bash you and your spouse thing, don't bother. Tell them you are satisfied with how your boyfriend has been introduced to your kids, that you would be happy to have a real discussion when they can be respectful and actually listen but for now there is to be no discussion. If they insist, leave, hang up, walk away, go home, block their emails. Do what you need to keep this boundary.
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Old 04-09-2012, 02:50 PM
Bunny Bunny is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 20

What are you getting out of your relationship with your parents? Is it worth all this aggravation? If not than remember that you don't have to have a relationship with them just because you are family. What consequences will you face if you terminated communication wih them? If you decide to continue the relationship than why do you need their approval? Can they agree to disagree and remain civil?
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Old 04-09-2012, 03:50 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

There's a reason why it's called a private life. Did they need to know? We're they getting suspicious? I think if you knew this could be the outcome and there was nothing to gain by telling them you probably should have left it unsaid. As someone that is a blabber mouth I often do what you do and tell people who don't need to know.

Now that it's out, just refuse to talk about the subject, tell them it was a mistake to bring it up, and that you don't want to strain your relationship any further. Don't cut off communication. Don't run from your problems. Stand up to them and show them you aren't a child anymore.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:17 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Detroit Metro, MI
Posts: 26

I operate in a lot of "Alternative Parenting" circles. In these situations I've learned to stand up for my point of view without engaging people in discussions or conversations about issues. DO NOT try to defend yourself, because this gives them an opening to argue with you, and makes them feel like they may be able to prove to you that you are wrong. So just don't go there. As we say in my alternative parenting circles "Bean dip 'em". This is to say CHANGE THE SUBJECT! "Hey mom/dad, we're poly, I have a boyfriend in addition to my husband. Would you like some bean dip?" When they bring up the "your kids knowing your boyfriend is a problem" thing just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, I disagree and as their parent that is my decision to make. Would you like some bean dip?"

You can use this for any and all issues where people would like to try to convince you that your point of view is wrong. With this in mind, my partner is a male to female transexual. This is not something we could just NOT tell our parents. When my husband disappeared from family photos, and images, and life in general to be replaced by an eerily similar wife ... that was not going to go unnoticed. So, I wrote an email to my family (I have a HUGE family, I have 7 siblings most married with kids of their own, this is how we all communicate) and in it I said. 'S is transitioning to a woman. This is a brief summary as to why. This is happening. If you're curious and you want to know more please feel free to ask politely. If you have nothing nice to say please do not respond. If you say anything negative you will be ignored.' And that was that. I have not heard one negative thing from ANY of my family, despite the fact that they are Mormon and this is "wrong" to them. In fact I've barely heard from them at all. That is their choice, but I will not take their crap and let it make my life negative.

Stand up for yourself, state what you will not accept from them, and "Bean Dip 'em"!
Me: 30ish bi Female S: mid 20s bi MtF transsexual (presurgery)
Our Kids: D 8 yrs, boy (Mine only from prior relationship); T 2 yrs, boy; A under 1, boy

Living and Developing a relationship with L: 30ish bi Female and her husband B: mid 20s bi Male
Their Kids: Little L 3 yrs, boy, R nearly 2yrs, girl, Due November 2012

Favorite Poly thought (if you recognize help me find the source): Jealousy is not a disease, it is a symptom. To "cure" it you must identify the disease.
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