Dh asks for poly after 12 years mono marriage

Longing

New member
I'm lost entirely. What is an appropriate response? I listened to his request and told him I can't live that way. He felt attacked and wants me to just accept him wholly. In the past several months he's secretly created online dating site profiles. Made contact with a woman where he frequently travels for overnight work trips, then made plans to go to her for a weekend before I found out. The trip was cancelled, and her contact info deleted as well as his 3 dating site profiles. Later I went to get something out of his wallet and found a condom package that he cant remember how it got there. Last week I saw on his phones web browsing history some craigslist personals adds in a different town he travels to frequently. He says he only looks. Won't do anything.
He wants to be poly. Has for a long time.
It kills me to be monogomous to a man who is able to give himself wholly and freely to others leaving nothing special or unique between us that marks our marriage. I married him as a virgin. I have no desire to live polyamorously. Neither of us want to end the marriage at this point. But that means one persons needs will be elevated above another persons. What a recipe for disaster! I just don't know what to do or think or feel any more.
 
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I'm going to ask a mod to move this to the New to Poly section. The Intro section is more for, "Hi, I'm X, I live in [part of the world], I am a straight mono woman married to a man, we have X amt of kids," type thing.

Welcome to the board. I'm sure you'll get lots of good responses.
 
I wish I had some advice...but I am a newbie with bad luck so far. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say that I understand why you are feeling sad and confused. Doesn't sound like a fun situation or an easy one.

I will say that it sounds like he has made some steps without communicating with you and that concerns me. I have heard over and over on this site and truly believe that communication is hugely important when navigating these unique relationships. He has to be honest or it will never work.

Good luck. Don't do anything you are not okay with, it won't benefit anyone in the long run.
 
Yikes, a condom package that mysteriously appeared in his wallet? Combined with everything else, it certainly seems that if he's not cheating on you already (and he may well have) that he will end up doing so soon if things continue this way. That's not what poly is supposed to be.

Dan Savage, an excellent advice columnist for sex and relationships, often talks about the "price of admission", or the things we choose to accept to be with our partners even though that particular thing about them wouldn't be our first choice. Your husband has paid your price of admission -- monogamy -- for the last 12 years. He is no longer willing to and has offered a new bargain. The question is, are you willing to pay it? "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer. I'm sure you've made other sacrifices for the marriage over the years, this doesn't have to be one. But if your answer is no, it sure sounds to me like the other options are that he cheats in secret or you two divorce.

All that said, I can tell you that becoming sexually non-exclusive doesn't mean you won't share anything unique or special. I've been dating a married woman for almost two years and I've seen over and over how special and irreplaceable her relationship with her husband is. I could never take his place and not just because I'm a woman and he's a man -- I'm sure that other poly folk on here who are dating married people would tell you the same. Surely your marriage has lots of special things about it aside from sex?

If you do the thinking and soul searching and decide to try to make things work, though, your husband is going to have to commit to a much higher level of honesty and consideration than he's been showing you. He's going to have to agree to take things slow and put your comfort high on his priority list if you give him this concession. If you go into all this with a lot of unresolved issues or resentment between you it'll be a mess both for the two of you and for any poor women who believe your husband when he says his wife is "fine" with it only to find out that it's not true and they've been put in the unwanted position of homewrecker.

www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html has some great articles on jealousy and on poly/mono relationships. Good luck!
 
Sorry you are going through this...both of you that is. I am also monogamous and believe I can fully appreciate what you are feeling. BUT...I have also been a cheater in the past so I can speak with some experience about your husbands behavior. He got busted...plain and simple, you caught him and now it's desperation time. This is a very huge hurdle to get over when trying to engage in a mono poly relationship after trust has been broken.

Here's the big question - why do neither of you want to end the marraige? Is it because of finances, social circles, family embarrassment, children....or is it because you genuinely love him and he genuinely loves you? I don't mean love as in the room mate sense (I did that for several years hence my affair). I mean in the romantic partner sense.

Is your husband really polyamorous or does he just want sexual diversity and adventure? People who know about being poly and behaving in an ethical non-monogamous way are held to a higher standard than those who simply cheat and have affairs. Poly is potentially less damaging than affairs but it is also almost guaranteed to be way more work. And that is the main appeal of affairs...less work, more fun until someone finds out.

Do not let him put any of this on you. Work with him if the relationship is worth it but protect your health. Be loving but don't be manipulated or convinced that your monogmay is wrong. Get counselling for both of you and seek out support for yourself - not just here, but real people to talk to.

Good luck
 
All that said, I can tell you that becoming sexually non-exclusive doesn't mean you won't share anything unique or special.

This is a good point to remember. And being emotionally non-exclusive doesn't mean your relationship with him won't be unique or special either.

It certainly sounds like he has cheated, was on the verge of cheating, or at the very least is giving himself the thrill of thinking about it by cruising the ads. We've only got one side of the story here, but on the face of it, his defensiveness doesn't sound constructive, to say the least.

MonoVCPHG said:
Get counselling for both of you and seek out support for yourself - not just here, but real people to talk to.

Definitely take this advice. A supportive but neutral professional or two can often guide you through things that seem like an impasse.
 
Do not let him put any of this on you. Work with him if the relationship is worth it but protect your health. Be loving but don't be manipulated or convinced that your monogmay is wrong. Get counselling for both of you and seek out support for yourself - not just here, but real people to talk to.

Ditto what Mono said, but definitely this. The "real people" should be a marriage councelor.

Your situation is very similar to what nearly ended my marriage last year. The secrets and lies will have to be addressed, they can NOT just be swept asside nor excused. He will have work to do before he can earn back enough of your trust for you to be able to accept him for who he is. He may have figured out that he was poly a while ago, but he didn't bother to keep you informed as he came to his conclusions and in turn decided to keep it a secret and carry on behind your back.

I would tell him that you are not ruling anything out at this moment, but the two of you have a lot of work ahead to repair the damage of his secrets and cheating (and likely will discover also many issues that need dealing with) before you can accept what he is asking. You should also do a lot of reading here and the xeromag site. Talk to him about some of the things you are reading about. Start marriage counceling immediatley!
 
There has been lots of good advice here. Have a look in the tags here under the search engine to see what stands out as a possible thread that could help. I suggest doing a search in the tags for "cheating," "lessons," and "foundations" for a start. It might help to hear other peoples stories and find out how they have made it work for them.
 
Thanks everyone.
Dh and I both have individual counselors, though it has inadvertently helped our communication in our marriage, however it doesn't seem to be as beneficial as actual marriage counseling would be. We are looking into seeing a marriage counselor but so far it appears we will each have to stop seeing our individual therapists :(

I found The xeromag website before finding this one. It was nice to read through as most poly information makes the life style sound so intimidating to me. That site was helpful in providing a less scary look at the life choices but I still have so many emotions to sort through.

Regarding not wanting to end our marriage. We have three kids together for one. Also, our relationship is a very close friendship besides "just" a marriage partnership. I love him very deeply and feel that ending the marriage will also greatly (and negatively) affect my friendship with him. He has expressed similar feelings.

He says he will not ever pursue poly if I am uncomfortable. This is where I feel the most stuck. He has only recently learned the term polyamorous. Starting at least 8 years ago, he used erotic talk focusing on threesomes, foursomes, swapping, etc in our sex life. I played along because it got him excited and it was "just fantasy talk" - harmless? But then that turned into him looking for real people to bring into our bedroom, which real friends we could ask, who we are attracted to etc... Then I started getting nervous and problems first surfaced. It all went away then the fantasizing came back, then looking for people etc... It was January that he asked if we could open our marriage I agreed figuring it would be something slow we would figure out together. The next day he had craigslist profiles and within a week "sent" me to a mans house as a "trial". I was mortified. The man was a long time friend and didn't push me. In fact he just held me while I cried most of the night. I laid in another man arms crying that I couldn't have sex with him for my husband! I actually felt guilty! It was only a couple days later I asked for a divorce because I can't give this to him and he said he takes it all back and was sorry and it will not come up again, he only wants me etc etc. A month later I found out he had created 3 dating site profiles (in December!) met the one woman, planned on seeing her but hadn't met in person yet. A couple weeks after that was ended was when I found the condom in his wallet, that he can't remember putting there and then only about two weeks ago was when the new craigslist profiles were on his phone for a city he frequents for work.

I feel like I have to "accept" this because it will not ever just go away like he said. It's accept or divorce in my mind and I don't like my choices. :( it's not what I married into or choose for my life. I tried to go with it for him and couldn't. Failed miserably in fact! I'm just really at a loss that I am here again.

Thanks to everyone who has responded, and read this terribly long post!! I appreciate it!
 
Don't do anything you don't want to do just to keep your life script marriage. "Sending" you to another guy as a "trial" is not something a "friend" does to a friend.
 
Yeah, that doesn't sound like polyAMORY. Where's the love? It just sounds like a guy obsessed with group sex. :( And being sneaky about it, to boot.

I don't understand why you'd need to give up a personal therapist you love, to be able to see a couples' counselor!
 
My first response to the "sending" you to another man's house thing was the same as everyone else's -- how messed up! My second reaction was to think wait, it's not like people own their partners, it's not like you had to go, so why does he get the action verb (he "sent" you) versus highlighting your role in the action (he convinced you and you chose to go despite your misgivings)? Did he coerce you, or did you go along without letting him know the extent of your discomfort? Make sure you're owning your choices here. I don't mean to make you feel bad, what you described sounded really sad.
 
My first response to the "sending" you to another man's house thing was the same as everyone else's -- how messed up! My second reaction was to think wait, it's not like people own their partners, it's not like you had to go, so why does he get the action verb (he "sent" you) versus highlighting your role in the action (he convinced you and you chose to go despite your misgivings)? Did he coerce you, or did you go along without letting him know the extent of your discomfort? Make sure you're owning your choices here. I don't mean to make you feel bad, what you described sounded really sad.

I see what youre saying. Let me clarify:
I was going to our friends house to ask questions regarding open relationships. He is in one. My intention in going was to talk with someone other than my dh who would give solid "for" arguments. As I left was when dh told me to try being with him as a "trial" for myself. My dh was all huggy/kissy saying for me to try it out. It totally put a different emphasis on my trip and upset me but it wasn't the time to bring it all up to him right then as I was walking out.
Ultimately, it felt as though my intentions were to seek support in a friend and his were to send me on a test run.
 
Ugh, yeah, that is so not cool for him to spring on you. Just ew. I would be so mad if one of my partners tried to push me into someone else's arms... I get to choose if/when I'm comfortable enough to want that, not anyone else!
 
I feel like I have to "accept" this because it will not ever just go away like he said. It's accept or divorce in my mind and I don't like my choices. :( it's not what I married into or choose for my life. I tried to go with it for him and couldn't. Failed miserably in fact! I'm just really at a loss that I am here again.

Divorce isn't always the worst thing that can happen. Emotionally wrenching, sure, but freedom to be who you are and create the life you want is bliss. It can be the worst thing any couple can do, to "stay married for the kids." Like it would be better for children to live in a home where the parents are at odds with each other and unhappy. Pshaw. Children are resilient.

Your husband has been exhibiting rather strange and questionable behavior. The miraculously appearing condom in his wallet makes me wonder if he's actually gone out and cheated on you, risking disease. If you feel like you will never be happy in this situation, you may well consider a separation or divorce, for your own mental well-being and safety.
 
I don't understand why you'd need to give up a personal therapist you love, to be able to see a couples' counselor!

it was something with my insurance. They will not pay for more than one counselor per person. They said we would have to choose one, individual counselors or a marriage counselor.

At this point I asked if I could go with him to his counselor figuring it might be less intimidating than coming with me to mine. I really just want help trying to understand what it is he wants from me so I can answer with understanding if I can do it or not.

His next appointment is a month away :( I came on here to give myself a way to try understanding more in the meantime or else I'll go crazy with the wait!

Im so thankful for the responses. I appreciate the kind words and suggestions!
 
it was something with my insurance. They will not pay for more than one counselor per person. They said we would have to choose one, individual counselors or a marriage counselor.

At this point I asked if I could go with him to his counselor figuring it might be less intimidating than coming with me to mine. I really just want help trying to understand what it is he wants from me so I can answer with understanding if I can do it or not.

His next appointment is a month away :( I came on here to give myself a way to try understanding more in the meantime or else I'll go crazy with the wait!

Im so thankful for the responses. I appreciate the kind words and suggestions!


Wierd that they won't pay for both, lots of insurance will pay for individual and "family" therapy. And most therapists will bill the insurance for family therapy, even if it's a couple (who's to say how many it takes to be a family). If you asked your insurance company about "marraige" therapy specifically, then yes, they probably denied it. Try seeing if they cover family therapy, then find a therapist that will see you as a family.

Also, if you do couple's therapy, you should be seeing a NEW therapist, not going to his therapist, or him going to yours. It should be a separate new person who is not already engaged with either of you, in order for them to be more objective and for (hopefully) both people to be able to feel supported.

At this point I almost think it would be better to keep going to individual for a while. If you're not working on yourself and figuring out what you need and want to make you happy, then you're not going to be in a position to do the good work as a couple. But that's my very highly opinionated opinion.

I'm seeing a lot of behavior indicating low self-esteem, and that needs to be worked on for your own benefit, and only then can you give your full self to anybody -- whomever you might choose. And with a full, healthy self-esteem you might find your choices to be a bit different.
 
This all sounds sad and depressing. I'm sorry you're going through all this....HOWEVER....My wife and I's experience was not so different. :( We had been married for about 7 years when sometyhing she said rang in my ears a bit. Being an over horny and under-sexed guy, I had to jump at the opportunity. She said she thought that my best friend at the time, was hot. Well, this all led into lots of fantasy talk in the bedroom. LOTS of communication, etc. I.e. Did she REALLY think he was hot in "that" way, would she do something wiht him if she were presented with the opportunity, etc etc. Well, eventually, one night, he was over at our house, she said she was going to have something to drink. I got up to get it with her. She said that she wouldn't mind sleeping with him. :eek: So....I took him to Taco Bell and asked him if he would be interested in going out with her and did he find her sexually atractive. He almost dropped his chin on the floor of the pick up. LOL Anyway, it eventually turned into 3 year relationship. After about 3 years, he told us one day that he was getting married and couldn't see my wife anymore. :eek: HUH!!???!?!? We didn't even know he had a girlfriend! Well, he got married, and requested that we not mention anything about our times together with him, to his (now) wife. We respected that request, but also lost a great friend in the process. It was sad and sucked, but led us to where we are today. We have been married for 20+ years and are openly poly.

My point is this: Had she not been honest with me about her feelings, I would not have been honest about mine. It would have been SUPER disasterous.

Be slow, and confident. He has opened up to you. Respect that and don't throw it away. Be honest with him. Let him know your fears. For my wife and I, we both had fears and still do. We have found the only way to get opver them, is to simply dive in and get wet. The fear may still be there...for a while. But the longer you survive w/o anyone leaving or divorcing, the more those fears rest and subside.

He is most likely not looking to "replace" you, but rather to add to his own personality and life experience. Remember, YOUR view of poly may not be his and visa versa. ;) (Just like mine and my wife's doesn't match Magdlyn's or her's match ours.....but we still coexist...Right Mags? ;) ) You need to talk with your DH and iron out some details. His absolute honesty is going to be key here...as well as yours. And COMMUNICATE! ;) hope this helps.
 
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