Poly journey of Mya and rory

Okay, so, not written for a long time. Been busy working on my mental health issues. I had a really bad depression for a few months, but I'm doing a lot better and working actively to adopt habits conductive to well-being. Additionally, a lot of life has happened. I have a steady job and income as a cleaner, which I really appreciate. Hope you all are well :) It's convenient, this journal writing together with Mya, don't need to update on everything myself!

One thing that would be useful to tell here is that I have lately started identifying more and more as male. I don't really feel very strongly about pronoun stuff personally, and it's a mixed thing IRL too. Basically any pronouns are still fine by me, so no pressure, but I guess using male pronouns (he, him) would be more accurate. Updated gender on my profile here, too! Hence, also, the change of profile picture (which I expect will be seen by people at least if they update page with F5).

That's been a development in the past few months. A slightly more recent thing from the last couple of days is that I realised that I've moved on the Kinsey scale towards men, in terms of sexual orientation (not romantic feelings). I'm still into women to some degree, just not strongly enough to actually want sex with women.

Feeling kind of emotionally overwhelmed, with all the big things that I've needed to process of late.

In terms of relationships, Mya is my only partner at the moment, and that feels good, I'm really not looking for anything else. Got a very full life as it is.

Although I really don't want more partners, I just always always keep loving being poly. For one thing, I'm really happy Mya has more relationships, because it seems to suit her really well and make her happy. For another, I do have a pretty open and fluid approach to people in my life. I like that feelings and relationship are allowed to be whatever feels natural and good for the people involved. So even though I feel Mya is my only partner, I do have several friends with whom I share various levels of intimacy. I like the fact that romantic and sexual things don't need to be separated out as something completely different from other forms of intimacy, I like to have them in perspective. And it feels right to me to be honest about how I feel, even if that doesn't correspond to any kind of norm of how I "should" feel (as it for me often doesn't).

So I still love Alec, and feel really good about how things are between us now that we're friends. There's Hank, whom I also love, and who's an amazing metamour and friend and I'm just really happy to have him in my life and to be living with him. Lily is still around, there's a romantic element to that relationship, and in terms of concrete things our dynamic really flexible which I appreciate. And I mentioned Peyton: I told them that I have a crush and they were really nice about it, and we're quite physically affectionate and cuddly with each other, and it's very comfortable. And of course I also have a few people in my life who fit more comfortably in that more traditional category of friend. :D

Earlier I wrote here when I was contemplating celibacy, and I did end up doing that, haven't had sex in something like five months. That was a very, very good and healthy decision, it's allowed me to figure out so many things about where my boundaries lie, what kind of sex I want and with whom and in what kind of situation; what kind of things I want to consider before having sex. I've previously approached sex as something rather simple, kind of with an attitude of "well, why not?". And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it's great when it works! Just, it hasn't really been working for me for a long time, it hasn't been that simple, and I feel some sexual situations have been something I've just ended up in rather than something I've actually actively chosen. Also, I haven't really focused on figuring out what I really want and what I don't want, nor have I paid enough attention to sexual compatibility in terms of orientation or desires/preferences. And there's definitely been issues with personal boundaries, in that I've been too inclined to please my sex partner even where really it's just a question of incompatibility. Furthermore, I think I've associated romantic feelings too strongly with sexual desire, so that I've been unable to separate when I actually want a specific person, and when it's merely a question of being romantically attracted and generally horny.

Anyway, this may not be the easiest to follow, and people probably have such different experiences about these things, but for me it's feeling really good to finally notice more nuances, which allows me to pinpoint what it is that I want. So I'm no longer celibate, but whether or not I'm actually going to have sex anytime soon... who knows. The place where I'm at with my gender identity is complicated enough in that I identify as male but my body is still as of now female. So I'm not really very comfortable having sex with anybody who sees me as a woman or is only into women, and also with the realisation that I'm not really interested in sex with women - that leaves a rather small population of potential sex partners where orientations match (which would ideally be the situation - though it's possible that I'd be comfortable with some sexual activity even if that's not the case). Add other things like whether or not I find the person hot and he/they find me hot and whether or not we're sexually compatible at all... Well, I'm not exactly holding my breath. :rolleyes:

In any case, it feels good to be clearer on where I stand with it all.
 
Thanks for your comment, RainyGrlJenny!

So, what rory wrote about happened just now, as in when I wrote my previous post I didn't know about it yet. I knew about rory being trans (but for quite a long time the identity was non-binary or sort of fluctuating) but his realisation about being a gay man is very new.

Of course this hurts, knowing that he doesn't want me sexually, most likely ever again. Rory has told me that he still loves me and wants to continue being in a relationship with me, just without the sex part. So I was faced with a decision whether to continue this relationship and accept that it will be platonic or break up. I couldn't say immediately, I needed a bit of time to think. In the end I decided to stay. There are so many good things in our relationship and we're so compatible that I'd be a fool to let it go. I do fear that not having sex can lead to falling out of love, but I'll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.
 
Dear Mya and rory,

It's always a pleasure to read your posts, and I'm glad you continue to update us on your beautiful and complex journey.

Thank you!
 
Thank you MeeraReed! It's always encouraging to read that kind of feedback - it makes me want to write more. :)

So, things were pretty rough between me and rory for a while. Rory needed some space and there was a lot of confusion, hurt feelings and trust issues from both sides. We seem to be getting better though, and right now I think we're in a pretty good place. We've had some important and enlightening talks and I think it'll all be fine. But I have to say that this was by far the biggest hurdle we've ever encountered within this relationship and it was really scary. It also made me realise how my life would look like without rory and I didn't like that thought at all.

In other news, I broke up with Sol. The relationship only lasted for 2.5 months, but it felt so much longer than that because it was so intense from the start, with a lot of messaging and talking. But we were just too incompatible and it was such an emotional rollercoaster that I couldn't handle that. I still think that Sol is a great person who has a lot to give, but we were just not right for each other. :(
 
The End

This journal is titled Poly journey of Mya and rory. Sadly, the journey has now come to an end. :( It was an amazing relationship, until it wasn't anymore. Yesterday rory told me he wants to break up. We've become too codependent, our lives too entwined, and we've learned to lean too heavily on each other. We used to connect by talking and by having sex. When the sex stopped, and later when the possibility of sex was taken off the table, we still continued talking. A lot. We used each other to process things, everything really. Our relationship, but also everything else going on in our lives. Rory told me he needs to stand on his own feet and learn to process things differently, without me or anyone else who is there all the time. Rory said that he needs so much space right now that it would hardly look like a relationship anymore. He doesn't want us to prioritize each other the way we have, the way people often do when they are in a romantic relationship.

We are still going to try to live together as roommates. We'll see how it goes. Me and rory want to be able to be close friends eventually, but there will need to be an adjustment period, and it will most likely be difficult for a while. I know that the hardest thing for me is not being able to share everyday stuff and all the things I want to talk to him about. We still love each other, and this hurts so much. But there is no other way right now. We need to break this off and start from scratch. Build something new out of this, something different. It's possible that the something different could one day be called a romantic relationship again, but it's also possible it'll be called friendship. Whatever it will be, it can't be what it is now.

I haven't decided if I want to start my own blog here, but I know we can't have this one together anymore. Thank you so much to everyone who has read this and commented, your support has meant the world to me.
 
Mya and rory,

I am so sorry. Sounds like it is the best answer to a truly difficult situation. It's so hard to have integrity sometimes, isn't it?

I wish both of you the best and I hope to hear once in a while about your individual journeys.
 
Rory and Mya, I'm so sorry to hear this. Best wishes and positive vibes to both of you.
 
I am very sorry to have read that

It can be easy... I really hope things work out for you as friends
 
Thank you both for sharing with us through these chapters of your lives. People grow and change and so do relationships. May both of your next chapters be positive, together as friends or partners or separately.

Love, peace, joy,

JaneQ
 
Thank you for your kind words, opalescent, RainyGrlJenny, InfinitePossibility, Middlegirl and JaneQSmythe. <3

Me and rory had a brief period when we felt like we could make it work again, but in the end we decided to move apart. We do want to keep seeing each other regularly after we don't live together anymore, but in this current arrangement we tend to cling to each other too much still, even though we changed the dynamic from partners to friends. So it became evident that we need to live apart. Me and Hank are looking for somewhere to live, and rory is probably going to live with roommates. It is a sad decision for me since living with rory and Hank has been the best living situation I've ever been in, but we don't really seem to have another choice right now.
 
Thank you, bassman.

But actually, there has been another turn of events and me and rory have gotten back together. :) I still think it's a good idea to stop writing a journal together, but at least we can end it on a positive note. Thank you again to everyone who has commented on our journey, writing this has been a joy. :)
 
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