Long Term Poly Relationship Goals?

MonoVCPHG

New member
Hi every one ..want to do a little self analysis?

I often wonder what individual goals are in the development of polyamorous relationships. I mean what the individual expectations are for the long haul.

Are you looking for a specific structure such as Quad, triad or V.
Are you looking for numerous secondaries without a desire for forming a life long primary relationship?
Are you looking for polyfidelity in a family integrated level relationship within a specific structure?
Do you want to be a secondary to others?

These are all questions that have answers that may evolve as we change as individuals but what about your expectations today?

Although I am monogamous, I love being in a supportive role as a secondary to Redpepper and her husband. I get to help them grow closer as a family and am committed to the love I have with Redpepper in a spousal sense (if I can be so bold:eek:).

My goal is simple: become an even greater positive to Redpepper, her husband and her family while giving her all the love I have...make her happy and share everything with her and support her in being fulfilled...become a life long integrated part of her family. I have my needs to do this, which are identified and very freeing.

Lots of love for everyone, Mono.
 
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Oh baby, I love you so much. I look forward to our future growth and continued love. I'm so fortunate in so many ways and so humbly appreciative.
 
I think this is an excellent idea. Through all of my researching into Poly, most of the references are about multiple partnering, which I don't think is what my husband or I am looking for. Although the integrated families idea is appealing, and as we make our own rules this could be plausable.

Our current goals, beside working on our own issues, is to learn as much as we can about the lifestyle before really jumping in, although my feet are already wet. If things don't work out with my friend, I'm not sure how actively we will pursure a triad even, which currently would be my ideal. I never liked the "dating scene" and I suppose you could call me, up to this point, a serial monogamist. I prefer being in a relationship then just dating. Although as a growing person, I'm willing to make exceptions as long as it stays within the agreed boundaries.

I think I would prefer a triad, perhaps even a house sharing triad. I would love for both of my men to be "Primaries" although that kinda goes against the meaning of the word, but that is how I feel about both of them. I wouldn't want my "second" to feel any less loved or appreciated than my legal spouse.

Mono: I wish my friend would spend some time reading your posts and seeing how a monogamist actually can be a part of a poly relationship. I know not all men or mono's can get to the point you have reached, but you give me hope that someday, perhaps my friend will get there...or at least he'll give it, and us, a chance.
 
Love your signature line Van.....it is truly what life is about....and it sounds like you are approaching your venture into poly the right way. I hope your "second" guy and yes we all agree we don't like that term, comes around to you and your way eventually. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
 
Mono....what did you do to Redpepper to so overwhelmingly win her over? That is awesome, you two...and your extended family should continue to have a very happy and fulfilling life on this planet.
 
I've said this before, but to answer the OP:

I have no "goals", and am not trying to "be polyamorous". I re-met someone after 21 years and fell totally in love with him and even though he didn't want to "share" me with my husband, I have to use this experience to learn and be prepared for in case it ever happens again. I don't "need" more than my husband can give me, and I don't have this inclination to "love more". For the most part, I can't imagine meeting someone new and falling in love with them, only certain people I already know but our paths have uncrossed for whatever reason. Of course, I'm not ruling anything out. And I am grateful that my husband is willing to roll with this. He must really love me! I know he does.
 
Mono....what did you do to Redpepper to so overwhelmingly win her over? .

My quick response would be that I don't know. In truth I think she loves me because I made myself more vulnerable to her than I have ever before. I simply trust her beyond all others and exposed my weaknesses to her. By looking into my heart and accepting me she tapped into something that hit her like a wave. ..not the kind that washes parts of you away, the kind that flows around you and the people you love. Her happiness and family are first and foremost to me..I think she understands that. The only thing I value as much as my connection to her is the connection I have with myself. Without it I would become lost again.

Take care Mark, I hope everyone gets at least glimpse of what she has given me:)
 
Good question and one I've been dealing with since I decided to start coming to terms with myself.

Ideally, I would have my husband and my gf who would also love eachother deeply but not be sexual. I suppose a mono lesbian or poly bi woman with her own male life partner? She (or they) would be completely integrated into our family and us in theirs and the relationships formed would be, at least sexually, closed. There's always room for more love and friends.

But...there's room for change. When with P I had that for a time. But she's also bi and had a male partner (who was a huge part of the problems leading to the end). I was willing to open the relationship to a triad in order to fulfill her needs emotionally and sexually as a bisexual. N and I discussed it as well as moving her in with us if it came to that point. She was also so close with my son. It didn't work out that way. :(

I suppose I have an "ideal" but the end result would depend on the person(s) eventually involved, should we ever venture forth and try again.
 
w0w this has got me thinking... My whole thing is, I don't think there are that many people who could really deal with my little quirks and eccentricities in a way that could sustain a long-term domestic relationship (I'm talking everything from roommates to soulmates). My husband is the most suitable mix of personality and sexuality that I have met so far... Shortly, we are not quite so much "soul-mates" as we are compatible in this life. Which is not to say our "souls" aren't compatible either, but this life is something we can be sure does exist for now.
 
We are a triad... I love her, and him... he loves me and her, she loves me and him :)
Very shortly, I will be intergrating into their family. We will be finding a new home, OUR home when I get there and will be living all together. My goal is to live a very long happy life with the two of them. However they dynamics end up, all I want to do is love them both, and be loved by them, (and the kids too) for the rest of my life.
 
What we desire in our relationship is a triad. For a time we had a live-in triad and it worked out wonderfully until the other woman decided she needed the white picket fence and wanted to try for a "normal" relationship, we are all still friends. We have since then had one other triad and although the other woman decided to stay living apart from us, she wanted to appear "normal" to her very religious mother, she and her children were very big part of our daily lives as we and ours were to hers. We are hoping to find that one other woman who is capable of giving me the companionship I so crave as well as being able to love both myself and my husband who I am willing to share with the right one should she come along. Should the right woman come along I would love it if she would be a live in sister wife and would be an everyday part of our lives, I even have a priestess who is willing to do a marriage ceremony for me should I find my hearts desire.
 
I simply had an inkling that I needed more to ever be happy in a relationship. I didn't think of anything in particular but asked that I be able to love someone/s more and over and above my husband. I knew that after 10 years of identifying as a lesbian I would begin to miss women again and also could not see myself only having sex with the one man I married for the rest of my life.

I guess I don't ever think in terms if concrete, just ask for what will be enough and for what will make me feel satisfied. In harming none and helping all. I do this with everything... I need to have healthy food and a roof over my head etc.... I need to feel like I am moving forward in life too and accomplishing happiness, good health, satisfaction and the feeling of wealth that comes with that. If I do everything in terms of making sure I feel like that and keep others in mind there is nothing that can stop me. It has never failed me.

I have not come into poly because of trying to make it fit me and I have not tried to make certain scenarios fit. I have tried to make certain people fit, I will admit to that, but am learning and have been taught many lessons so far. I leave it up to my fate and good faith that what happens is meant to be and is what is good for everyone around me. What else is there really.
 
I don' thave any specific interests in terms of numbers. I think more than 4 would get a bit ridiculous for me- I grew up an only child of divorced parents. Basically it was me and my mom for the longest- and I don't think I'd do well in a large family.

I've mentioned it before, but I'm in it for the long term- I want a family, not a casual fling. I don't think I'd have any secondaries, and I'd want everyone to get along even if they aren't in romantic relationships with each other.
 
We are a triad... I love her, and him... he loves me and her, she loves me and him :)
Very shortly, I will be intergrating into their family. We will be finding a new home, OUR home when I get there and will be living all together. My goal is to live a very long happy life with the two of them. However they dynamics end up, all I want to do is love them both, and be loved by them, (and the kids too) for the rest of my life.

This. :))) Funny that.

But I want to expand. We are a family. I want to be with those I love. To live a long and happy harmonious life with them both. There is no one else that I want to be with. This is it. We will have it all..Including the "white picket fence." ;)

Aussielover will be, and In my mind and heart already is a very important part of Our lives. The final piece to the puzzle. Our future plans already deeply involve her. Physically she is miles away...Emotionally and mentally she is here with us.
 
This. :))) Funny that.

But I want to expand. We are a family. I want to be with those I love. To live a long and happy harmonious life with them both. There is no one else that I want to be with. This is it. We will have it all..Including the "white picket fence." ;)

Aussielover will be, and In my mind and heart already is a very important part of Our lives. The final piece to the puzzle. Our future plans already deeply involve her. Physically she is miles away...Emotionally and mentally she is here with us.


:D
Right, did forget to mention that part ... mono poly hehe...Just us... No outside lovers. I'm not interested in anyone else either. *sigh* :)
damn physical obsticals.
 
I feel as if I need to expand... I come from a small family who immigrated to Canada before I was born. I never had extended family near and the extended family I have is, on one side, very disfunctional. My mum spent a large part of my childhood mourning the loss of a blood family she never was really a part of and my dad was largely indifferent to the blood family he left behind.

When I met my husband I fell in love with him partly because of his family. They all live in the same area. They don't really hang out it turns out and I was a bit disappointed. Somehow at sometime I decided to chose my family and as a result we have a very close heart family.

Mono is the newest member and the closest to me besides my husband. I expect that, as life always does, there will be changes. Some I know will happen, but there is a large part of the future that is a mystery and I'm okay with that. Eventually mono and I will increase our comittment somehow and my husband possibly will find another woman to love in addition to me, but for now we are settling into the changes with the addition of mono and monos adding us to his life. Essentially, life in a "V."

Because we have a child I want to be sure that he is taken care of in terms of stability. We have had one person leave our family before as she was the partner of one of our members and left when the relationship ended. I don't want him ever to be crushed because of my blind trust. That has been my mistake over and over again in the past.

Needless to say I am very happy and will be content to live out my days on the path that is laid out before me. I love my men deeply and my boy and my intimate friends more than anything as they make me feel like home; secure and completely free to be what I am and what I can be. I am so thankful.
I simply had an inkling that I needed more to ever be happy in a relationship. I didn't think of anything in particular but asked that I be able to love someone/s more and over and above my husband. I knew that after 10 years of identifying as a lesbian I would begin to miss women again and also could not see myself only having sex with the one man I married for the rest of my life.

I guess I don't ever think in terms if concrete, just ask for what will be enough and for what will make me feel satisfied. In harming none and helping all. I do this with everything... I need to have healthy food and a roof over my head etc.... I need to feel like I am moving forward in life too and accomplishing happiness, good health, satisfaction and the feeling of wealth that comes with that. If I do everything in terms of making sure I feel like that and keep others in mind there is nothing that can stop me. It has never failed me.

I have not come into poly because of trying to make it fit me and I have not tried to make certain scenarios fit. I have tried to make certain people fit, I will admit to that, but am learning and have been taught many lessons so far. I leave it up to my fate and good faith that what happens is meant to be and is what is good for everyone around me. What else is there really.
 
My long term goal as a poly is to have a vee or triad that is integrated. I would have loved that with my previous gf, she and my husband had a great friendship and a budding physical relationship, but she ultimately was not comfortable with the situation for religious reasons and broke it off. I would be pleased to have my loves in one home, sharing our lives in every way!
 
SK, even though we three are not yet "all in" on the same page with the "V", I can tell you living under the same roof with the two women you want to share the rest of your life with is something very special.
 
We are well on our way to "well off" Mono......wealthy may be 6-12 months away yet! lol.....still working on complete compersion first.
 
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