All,
New to the forum and thanks in advance for reading. It’s a long post so sorry but writing it was somewhat cathartic.
I am at a crossroads in my relationship. We have been married 10 year and have dabbled in some soft swing but our boundaries were always:
1. We play together
2. No penetration
3. Safe sex practices
4. No feelings beyond friendship
Wife and I started hanging out with a couple at a nightclub on a regular basis and the two females hit it off and expressed interest so we let things build over a couple of months. The other couple stated up front that there could be no involvement from the female half with me and we were OK with that (I fall toward the mono end of the spectrum anyway). The male in the other couple asked me if it was OK to dance with and kiss my wife and I uttered the words I now regret “so long as she’s happy, I’m OK”. Long story short, they start texting and exchanging emails over the next few weeks. I ask my wife if I have anything to worry about and she says “No, I’m just having fun but would never fall for him”. Two weeks later she announces to me that she’s “in love” with him. She was surprised and it scared her because she didn't even know what Polyamory was. I did (thanks Heinlein) and gave her a label for it and explained what it was. She was so happy and I loved her being so happy that I made a major mistake – I thought that I was enlightened and that I should suppress the feelings of mistrust caused by the crossing of the boundary because I didn't want to ruin the experience for her. She was ecstatic that I wasn't going to make her stop the relationship and plunged in deep with NRE everywhere. She wanted us four to be like “family” and thought it was great.
The problems started soon after. The guy keep sending her stories of her being in a threesome with him and his wife. He didn't include me in any of his stories. The other female kept throwing up various roadblocks (I think she was uncomfortable) so nothing sexual was ever consummated. After a few weeks, he and I met together to discuss what was going on and he told me that I can never be involved or present with his wife around and she had to be present if he was going to do things with my wife so I essentially could never be around. I expressed that I thought it wasn't “cool” that he pursed my wife for an emotional relationship without checking with me first. He also stated in that same meeting “I could never do what you’re doing. I’d have to kill someone first”.
Well this throws up red flags for me and brings back my feeling of mistrust that I now feel for him and my wife. When I went back to my wife and told her this, she originally didn't believe me because he told her that he respects me and I can be present for all events and that he would never try to cut me out. She finally accepted that he did say these words and then her “family” bubble burst. The pain of it not being what she wanted was so intense that night she came to me after intentionally cutting herself. I then tried to end the relationship then but that caused more histrionics. Eventually things calmed down.
The next day or so I tried to then bring up my misgivings about the relationship and that the boundary crossing did place a strain on my trust and hurt. She immediately went into denial mode and said that I had known all along what was happening and that I didn't’ say anything when she confessed to me so that meant I had to have approved of it. The more I insisted that the boundary violation created real feelings of mistrust with her and him the harder she denied that she had done anything wrong or made any mistakes and that my feeling were false and I was just jealous.
Fast forward a month and our relationship is in shambles. I no longer feel safe and have a hard time being around the other couple. I ask for a timeout with that relationship so we could get back our equilibrium and she says no. I finally insist that either she stops that relationship or I was going to have to move on. She does end it but it is messy.
We are now three months later and our relationship is holding on by a thread. She has just announced that she is now poly and is essentially demanding I let her start back up with him. I say that while I'm able to be open to her starting back up with him I really need us to stabilize our relationship first so that I have a safe place to feel good about that relationship and not be consumed by jealousy, etc. I also ask that we define reasonable boundaries so that I won't be surprised again. She basically says no because she thinks it is a delaying tactic and her desire for him is even stronger now that I forced them to be apart. In fact she is now insisting I NOT be involved in any way because it will be easier for her that way. In my most honest introspection I know it’s not a delaying tactic. It’s something I need to feel safe.
What can I do or say to get though the NRE turned obsession that is driving her decision making apparatus so that she can hear me and see what I’m asking is reasonable and is probably necessary for any success? Has anyone experienced something similar before? How can I get her to see that I need to trust him as well at least somewhat?
New to the forum and thanks in advance for reading. It’s a long post so sorry but writing it was somewhat cathartic.
I am at a crossroads in my relationship. We have been married 10 year and have dabbled in some soft swing but our boundaries were always:
1. We play together
2. No penetration
3. Safe sex practices
4. No feelings beyond friendship
Wife and I started hanging out with a couple at a nightclub on a regular basis and the two females hit it off and expressed interest so we let things build over a couple of months. The other couple stated up front that there could be no involvement from the female half with me and we were OK with that (I fall toward the mono end of the spectrum anyway). The male in the other couple asked me if it was OK to dance with and kiss my wife and I uttered the words I now regret “so long as she’s happy, I’m OK”. Long story short, they start texting and exchanging emails over the next few weeks. I ask my wife if I have anything to worry about and she says “No, I’m just having fun but would never fall for him”. Two weeks later she announces to me that she’s “in love” with him. She was surprised and it scared her because she didn't even know what Polyamory was. I did (thanks Heinlein) and gave her a label for it and explained what it was. She was so happy and I loved her being so happy that I made a major mistake – I thought that I was enlightened and that I should suppress the feelings of mistrust caused by the crossing of the boundary because I didn't want to ruin the experience for her. She was ecstatic that I wasn't going to make her stop the relationship and plunged in deep with NRE everywhere. She wanted us four to be like “family” and thought it was great.
The problems started soon after. The guy keep sending her stories of her being in a threesome with him and his wife. He didn't include me in any of his stories. The other female kept throwing up various roadblocks (I think she was uncomfortable) so nothing sexual was ever consummated. After a few weeks, he and I met together to discuss what was going on and he told me that I can never be involved or present with his wife around and she had to be present if he was going to do things with my wife so I essentially could never be around. I expressed that I thought it wasn't “cool” that he pursed my wife for an emotional relationship without checking with me first. He also stated in that same meeting “I could never do what you’re doing. I’d have to kill someone first”.
Well this throws up red flags for me and brings back my feeling of mistrust that I now feel for him and my wife. When I went back to my wife and told her this, she originally didn't believe me because he told her that he respects me and I can be present for all events and that he would never try to cut me out. She finally accepted that he did say these words and then her “family” bubble burst. The pain of it not being what she wanted was so intense that night she came to me after intentionally cutting herself. I then tried to end the relationship then but that caused more histrionics. Eventually things calmed down.
The next day or so I tried to then bring up my misgivings about the relationship and that the boundary crossing did place a strain on my trust and hurt. She immediately went into denial mode and said that I had known all along what was happening and that I didn't’ say anything when she confessed to me so that meant I had to have approved of it. The more I insisted that the boundary violation created real feelings of mistrust with her and him the harder she denied that she had done anything wrong or made any mistakes and that my feeling were false and I was just jealous.
Fast forward a month and our relationship is in shambles. I no longer feel safe and have a hard time being around the other couple. I ask for a timeout with that relationship so we could get back our equilibrium and she says no. I finally insist that either she stops that relationship or I was going to have to move on. She does end it but it is messy.
We are now three months later and our relationship is holding on by a thread. She has just announced that she is now poly and is essentially demanding I let her start back up with him. I say that while I'm able to be open to her starting back up with him I really need us to stabilize our relationship first so that I have a safe place to feel good about that relationship and not be consumed by jealousy, etc. I also ask that we define reasonable boundaries so that I won't be surprised again. She basically says no because she thinks it is a delaying tactic and her desire for him is even stronger now that I forced them to be apart. In fact she is now insisting I NOT be involved in any way because it will be easier for her that way. In my most honest introspection I know it’s not a delaying tactic. It’s something I need to feel safe.
What can I do or say to get though the NRE turned obsession that is driving her decision making apparatus so that she can hear me and see what I’m asking is reasonable and is probably necessary for any success? Has anyone experienced something similar before? How can I get her to see that I need to trust him as well at least somewhat?
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