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Old 03-02-2010, 05:25 AM
CFstasha CFstasha is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chicagoish, IL
Posts: 21
Default How do I stop asking him if he's okay?

My husband and I have recently decided, after six years together, to open up our marriage. Or, if I'm being really honest with myself, my husband has allowed me to take a long distance lover; I honestly can't imagine him taking another himself for a long, long time if ever. I'm definitely the poly one in the relationship.

I have no doubt he's entirely comfortable with the situation. We have several friends in happy, healthy poly relationships and it's always been on the table that if either of us met someone else we should talk about it rather than be unfaithful. We've talked about it hypothetically long before I met Shiny New BF. He's also always kind of liked the idea of thinking about me with another guy, so it really kind of works and our sex life has been off the hook since this began. We're still figuring out the logistics of everything and I just had my first trip to see Shiny New BF. It was awesome, and then I began the "are you okay? Do you want to hear about this? Because it can be DADT, if you want, or I can tell you about my weekend? …what's on your mind, are you okay?" Yes. This is annoying as hell. He hasn't said so, but COME ON. And I can't make myself stop without leaving the gorram room.

He's okay with this.
He has told me he is on multiple occasions and I believe him entirely. Shiny New BF and I are getting ready for a weekend away together, and I'm trying to learn how to strike that balance between making sure my husband knows he has veto power if he becomes uncomfortable and letting him just BE happy for me (as he has said many times he is) without making him think about it constantly. I'm starting to get the feeling that he's becoming uncomfortable not with Shiny New BF, but that I keep asking him if he's comfortable with it.

I can't figure out if it's guilt that's making me overcompensate or what. I really don't feel guilty about anything that's gone down so far (mostly nothing), but convention is telling me that I should, so I'm feeling guilty about not feeling guilty (holy circular logic). Plus, I'm still kind of in shock that he really IS okay with this. He's always been okay with me flirting online because we've been very secure in our marriage, but this just seems incredibly generous and I'm in awe that anyone could be so wonderful.

Does anyone have any advice for how I might ease my mind as the poly partner? I want to stop clubbing him over the head with my ZOMG Open Communication and just let the conversation flow naturally, as it did before shit got real.

Last edited by CFstasha; 03-02-2010 at 05:41 AM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 05:39 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Location: In Redpepper's heart
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I've got nothing to offer as far as advice goes but think you are on the right path. You can only trust what his words and his eyes tell you. Pay more attention to his body language and energy...that is often where the truth resides.


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Old 03-02-2010, 08:40 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Hi CF,
I felt the same way when I started dating Mono. I was so full of NRE and so excited and in love... I felt guilty for it. I wrote a thread on that way back last year... if you care to find it... last spring sometime.

Anyway, it wore of in time and I managed to keep it all in check. I decided to trust and make things seem as normal as I could around my husband. I didn't think it was fair to be so crazy with NRE around him... I saved it up for moments when I was with Mono. That seemed to help normalize things faster for us and actually made the NRE last longer I think... still in it most days after a year!

Have fun and good luck... these are the most fast moving, exciting and life changing days ahead. At least they were for me
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Old 03-02-2010, 07:02 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305

When you get the urge to start in with the questioning, take a deep breath and ask yourself, is this something I really need to know, or can I trust him to come with me with problems? Maybe you're worried that he won't speak up if he has an issue..some people don't. If he's the kind of guy who will speak up, give yourself a short pep talk and let it go. If your insecurity is because he's the kind of guy who stuffs his feelings, then maybe you should talk to him about that, and make some kind of agreement where he will come to you if he needs to.
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Old 03-03-2010, 12:05 AM
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ArtemisHunts ArtemisHunts is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 18

yes, it looks like this IS about trust. this can seem odd since you are the one with a shiny new bf, as if he is the only one making a leap of faith and trust. but it involves you having faith and trust, too!

you have to have faith that he is honest with you, that he will bring up his concerns, that you two can work it out if that comes up, and to trust what he says, even if its too good to be true.

its natural to fear situations that seem "too good". you want to flinch almost like preparing for the blow of reality. you don't want to feel like a fool for believing and acting on a fantasy. this can keep you from fully investing, or at worst cause you to sabotage. its almost like walking through a paradise but thinking you are in an ambush. you can't enjoy the beauty around you when you are constantly looking over your shoulder for snipers.

he was brave to take a risk, and you can be brave, too. just knowing or saying you trust him wont make the feelings of wariness disappear overnight. there is nothing more your husband can say or do that will make those feelings disappear, either. but if you take others advice and pause before you question and look at it realistically then it will get easier. each time you take that risk and don't get burned, you will feel more confident. and maybe just looking at it as a matter of faith and trust will make it easier to resist questioning him.

all that's only true if he IS likely to bring up what bothers him. if he is NOT, then you must address that issue first.

that approach is what helped me, and i really hope it helps you.
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Old 03-03-2010, 12:32 AM
katharinerose katharinerose is offline
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Between the Sound and Rainier
Posts: 14

I have know help, but just wanted to say that you're not alone. I'm having the same problem right now. My wife is being awesome and fabulous and supportive and downright happy for me....And I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So in search of love and laughter, I'll be travelling 'cross this land,
Never sure of where I'm going, for I haven't any plan.
And in time when you are ready, come and join me, take my hand
And together we'll share life out on the loose.

Dancing about Architecture: A Journey into Polyamory
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Old 03-04-2010, 04:29 AM
CFstasha CFstasha is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chicagoish, IL
Posts: 21

Thanks so much for all your sage advice. I've been doing that, just talking about it less, and the tension is gone. We're enjoying time together and he's not getting the feeling (that my questions were giving him) that my affection for him is overcompensation. Things are back to feeling more natural.

I scheduled a trip for a few months from now and talked to him about it and he took the time to assure me he was alright without me having to ask directly, so I feel we're really Getting Somewhere.

I never really thought about the trust issue from the angle of me trusting him to come to me, but it's a really good point. I will try to think of it that way. He does tend to bottle things up, but I've got to say, he's been really good about talking about this. Every day that passes has me feeling a little bit better about it. I expect a relapse when I return from my vacation weekend, but I feel now that I can manage my end of the bargain.
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