Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

Hi,

I sympathise! I was having the same feeling recently on OK Cupid. I am a woman primarily looking for other poly women, and I am finding that tough. When I set my profile to bisexual, about 15-20 men message me every day and no women whatsoever. When I change it to 'gay', I still have to do the searching with women and I'm not coming up with a lot at all.

My girlfriend is a Dominant woman looking for submissive boys. They are ten-a-penny in the San Fran area. Like your OH, men flock to her.

Her husband was really struggling to get any contact with women online. I went in and edited his profile for him and changed some of his pictures. Since then, he's had to do most of the looking, but he's been getting some good replies, instead of no replies.

The changes I made were things like:
- his username had 69 in it, because it was the date of a vintage car he used to have. Changed that! Haha.
- he talked about his job too much and not a lot else
- he showed no passion for anything
- he seemed lukewarm about being poly
- at first, he didn't even say that he was poly, in case it scared women away
- under 'what are you doing with your life', he had put something like 'just making the best of it, I guess, lol' - I changed that and added more interests and joy

I think it's definitely true that women, in general, get more messages. It could be the stereotypical thing of 'men hunt, women like to be hunted'. I have not found many women who have been willing to do the hunting themselves.

It's also true that women can get inundated with messages that are impersonal, like other people have said. In a sea of 'hey, ur hot', you have to stand out by being genuine and, yes, talking about what you have read on their profile.

Also try changing your picture periodically. On FetLife, I used to have a picture of me from a distance, against a wall. I would rarely get messages. Now I have a closeup of my face, looking quite intense and Mistressy... hahaha... and I've had many more messages since then. Sometimes it's trial and error - what you think looks good may not attract people. Even if you do look good, not everyone will be attracted. Also, if you change it every few weeks, you are less likely to get skimmed over by people who have seen your picture before.

You are definitely welcome to send me a message with your username and I can check it out for you and maybe give you some pointers. But I totally understand if you want to remain anonymous!
 
I'm convinced there is some sort of voodoo magic involved with OkCupid (the same magic that enables my ladyfriend to shake slightly, snap her fingers, and have her bra appear in her hand without having to move any other article of clothing).

From the horror stories I've seen (and to a small degree experienced) I had thought I'd have a MUCH easier time. I took a look at some other guys' profiles on there and...wow. I'm nowhere NEAR a prime cut and I readily acknowledge this, but I still felt like Michael Phelps at a high school swim meet.

Men in general seem to have a harder time with online dating simply because there are SO many other men doing it. Even if you're awesome, you have to get noticed amongst a pack of guys whose greatest accomplishment in life is crushing TWO (count 'em, two) beer cans at once on their forehead.
 
It can be difficult. I've been practicing poly (or at least trying to) for about five years now, and I've only found one person interested in it (my current boyfriend of two and a half years). Everyone else I have approached has been uninterested in dating someone who already has a boyfriend/ is not planning on being exclusive.

Mind you, I don't spend my time on dating sites or in bars or anything like that, I just ask out guys in person when I'm interested in them, and I guess I can be picky (I wouldn't date someone I don't feel I can trust and be friends with, and while there can be special people you connect with right away, I tend to be slower at making such connections).

But yes, I have found it can take years to find partners you are truly compatible with. The way I see it though, it's better than ending up in miserable relationships.
 
Is there just something that I am missing? Are my ads too dull or do they just demand too much? Am I too blunt? I just feel like I am doing everything wrong and it really bothers me. My Love can put ads up herself and have people flock to her (Though, the thought there is because she is female biologically). Is it just hard to be a poly male looking for a poly female or a couple that can help meet his needs in ways his primary can't? Is it because i'm in the middle of Pennsylvania?

All that could be factors.
Women in poly do tend to have less trouble finding possible partners. That's well known.
You mention location---geography is always a huge factor. What do you know of the poly population in your region? Have you reached out and made friends? Are there even a pool of potential partners anywhere near you?? That's very key and not something to be overlooked!
Also think about your requirements---are anything negotiable? Ever stretch your boundaries? Have you ever turned down anyone interested---and if so, think about why?


Limitless possibilities.
 
why is it so damn hard..

I swear it seems impossible to find someone worth while these days.. All I am landing lately is people who want a quick lay.. While that is fun and all, I want a ltr.. My frustration is building...
 
Heh, I can relate to that, from back in the days when I was looking, and I finally gave up. Yes, even on OKCupid, I just had no luck at all. Not even a quick lay; the people I was interested in just didn't feel likewise, not a one of them. And I had a hard time finding percentage matches too. 80% was rare. Usually it was lower. Heck, the lady I'm already with came up only a 65% match or something on that order. And most of the people with higher percentages were, sigh, way too much younger than me. :rolleyes:

None of this helps you in your frustrating situation, but at least you now know of one other person who has been there. And OMG, I can't even talk about how horrible the search was before finding OKC. Sigh. It's a meat market out there.
 
Ya know, I've always found when I stopped looking and stressing over it, someone popped up.
The world likes to be ironic DX
 
I was like three seconds from giving up on OKC when they threw a perfect pitch. She's pretty awesome.
 
Ugh, okc is good if i want a great stiff dick for a few nights.. But alas, i dont. Lol

I've had success searching for long-term girlfriends with it. It did always take me awhile, but that I think was more on account of who I am/who I appeal to, who appeals to me, and the population of where I was living.

Yes, even on OKCupid, I just had no luck at all. Not even a quick lay; the people I was interested in just didn't feel likewise, not a one of them. And I had a hard time finding percentage matches too. 80% was rare. Usually it was lower. Heck, the lady I'm already with came up only a 65% match or something on that order. And most of the people with higher percentages were, sigh, way too much younger than me. :rolleyes:

When I was in college, I had the same "matches as high as the low 80%s are rare" issue. Fast forward 5 years and move to a different city, and high 80s/low 90s was common. But I actually found the 75%-85% range was most interested back in me. And that's where I ultimately found a gem.
 
I swear it seems impossible to find someone worth while these days.. All I am landing lately is people who want a quick lay.. While that is fun and all, I want a ltr.. My frustration is building...

Do you have any platonic female friends that could look at your profile and maybe critique for you? I'm thinking friends, because they know you, and presumably care about you, and they could identify if you're coming across as you; or point out things that maybe they think aren't working for the women you want to attract.
 
Online Dating...When to Mention Poly?

Earlier today I was talking to a girl off plenty of fish.

We were getting on pretty well and a meet was inevitable. I think I mentioned that I get bored of the same thing easily, and she commented that I'd never be happy with one woman if that was the case.

I agreed..and the subject of poly came up (although the word 'poly' was never mentioned).

The discussion was not dissimilar to a link I saw posted on here recently 'a discussion between a poly and a mono person'.

She saw poly as a lack of commitment. I questioned why you couldn't be committed to some and still see other people...she then asked me if I'd be comfortable with my partner doing that. 'Yes', I replied.

'Well I'm sure there's plenty of girls like that on pof, but I'm not one of them. I want more than just friends with benefits, which is essentially what you're offering'.

Then I try to explain why it's not friends with benefits...it can be a committed relationship like any other, but without the unnecessary locked in monogamy...all to no avail.

How do you people approach these discussions? And when would you normally bring them up? And how do you know when you're dealing with someone who isn't going to come on board, no matter what you say, vs someone who needs some time to process what you're saying, but may come around in time?

Also, the argument that keeps coming back (I've had this discussion a few times now) is 'I would feel inadequate if my man had to go elsewhere, like I couldn't provide what he needed'...my response is that it's a big ask for one person to provide all the emotional and sexual needs for one other person. Seems to be met with glazed eyes though.
 
Last edited:
That whole feeling inadequate thing is a rough one. At some point (it seems to me) a person simply has to think well enough of themselves that they can let go, and accept that even though they might not meet every need for someone else, they're exactly who and what they should be at the present time, and nothing is lacking.

When a person needs medical care they see a doctor. Legal advise--a lawyer. Car fixed--a mechanic. They don't expect any one person to perform all those services for them. Are personal needs so different? I might be a great match for someone who likes vanilla interactions. If my loved one needs to explore kink, I'm no longer a good choice. No one is wrong in that scenario, it just is what it is. I should not feel inadequate for being who I am, not should my loved one feel wrong for having the needs they have.

You know me, MoD. I can't help you with those conversations, but I am curious if you'll still meet this girl or did it go up in a puff of smoke? :)

(I say water chestnuts to you, by the way!)
 
No, there is no chance of meeting...unless I were to do a massive turnaround and tell her that I've changed my mind and that mono is right, poly is wrong, and that all polys are bad (including parrots).

She pretty much said as much that humans have insecurities, jealous and fears and that mono relationships evolved as a way around this...surely it makes more sense to explore why you feel inadequate?

Anyway...she ended up getting the huff and closing the chat window...and that was that.

The worry for me is that I'm so stupidly picky anyway that the number of girls I'm normally interested in is a small %...that % is going to become practically 0% when I throw poly into the mix!
 
For me? ASAP? And to clarify different models -- that could be helpful.
Then you know you are speaking the same language and sort through what each dating partner is seeking faster. Figure out which the runners are and which are not.

For instance, when I was a college student I was busy with...college! I did not want a heavy primaryship thing then. I wanted to be free to be with others but not have any be a big heavy deal. In that time of my life I did not want to make heavy commitments.

Now I am in a different stage of life. That model does not appeal to me in this stage. I would want co-primary polyfi thing if anything at this stage. I would want MORE commitment. Later things could change again. Life is journey.

A smaller dating pool? That kinda comes with the territory. The more specifics, the more successful in finding a REALLY compatible person when you find them... but the harder to find them in the haystack to start with.

It kind of boils down to what you want. "I want to experience dating lots of people in general" or "I want to experience a polyship of ____ and I accept I have to date for a time to GET there."

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Thanks for that link Gala...interesting and useful.

Although I feel I'm not even at an advanced enough stage to talk about models of open relationships...right now it's 'I'm not enough for you? You're the devil!'
 
I never get past an intro without including that I am poly. I would rather not date than deal with my heart being tied up in someone who can't accept me for who I am.
 
I'm with LR. I'd rather get it over with faster.

Could that info go in your profile? Something like...

"I am polyamorous. I am seeking model(s) 1a, 2a, whatever. " And link to the thing?

Then it "pre-weeds" them out. You might get weirdies bugging ya, but you aren't at a DATE with someone who is then dealing in upset because they come from the attitude place of "What? Am I not enough? Why don't you want what I want?" rather than the place of "Bummer. You want this and I want this. Too bad. It is what it is."

GG
 
You know...that's not the worst idea I've ever heard.

I think I will get about one email every 6 months by putting that stuff down on paper (well, screen..but you know what I mean) - but at least it will mean I don't have to go through the relentlessly tiresome discussion about mono vs poly over and over and over.

Thanks!
 
I'm with GalaGirl. The fact that I'm poly goes in my profile, right at the top so they have no excuse to not read it :)

And yes, it might mean that you get fewer emails, but isn't the point of this to meet people we can connect with? I still end up wasting time on the mono vs. poly discussion, but it's with people who are interested and open-minded. Usually. When I'm not being propositioned in the grossest ways possible or slut shamed.
 
Back
Top