Lessons in Poly Family living- money

BlazenBurn

New member
We moved into the next door house, as a rental right now but Darling will be buying it. Now, it seems Everything I do is wrong. Ok, that's a bit of an overstatement but that is how I'm feeling. What I'm feeling is that I can't be me. Even though we split the houses, I feel like Darling's wife is keeping tabs on us. I have not been allowed to hang family pictures, etc in the new house. so as to not upset her. She seems quite content for me to be involved if I'm doing the family's laundry or cooking for everyone but then I need to leave her house.

Then there are money issues. When Darling proposed that I move here with him, he told me to not worry about support. It is significantly more expense to live here. So, I made financial decisions based upon that only to find out that his wife is keeping a tab of every cent he spends on me and my children. I am looking for work but there is no way I can support us right now. It makes me very uncomfortable to know that I every thing I purchase is being scrutinized. Darling and I are going on a trip soon and she has made it known to me that she is keeping an accounting of what we spend and that I should keep him in line.

I don't like being in the middle of this and have told him so but I don't see much changing. I feel trapped. I mean even at this time if I wanted to move out on my own, I would need his help and his wife would have veto power. So know I have to be a "good little girl" and keep my mouth shut. I mean what choice do I have?
 
Sigh.
Sounds like it's time to sit down as a group of three and lay ALL of that out on the table.
Exactly what he has told you, what she is doing, what it makes you feel like and where it needs to go from here.

Negotiation time.

The three of us live together (I am the hinge in our case). It is/was Maca's home with me before GG moved in.

HOWEVER-it is OUR home.
GG hasn't hung a lot of things up on the walls outside of his room. At first, that was because he was afraid of offending Maca. But-we finally got past that (Maca didn't actually care-it was all in GG's head).
He has helped with choosing colors/design choices in the changes we've made on the house (lots of remodel the last couple of years).

Money goes into a "family fund". Maca and GG's checks are auto-deposited into the bill account. Once the bills are paid-the balance is divvied out from there.

If you don't speak up now-it's only going to get worse. Because EVEN if things settle down-YOU will have this inside of you.
You need to speak up-and you need to do it with both of them present.

She may not know what he told you.

(My sister suffered that experience when she moved in with a couple. He promised her stuff he didn't tell his wife. It blew up in their faces with a big huge dramatic disaster. It's been another year now of "clean up" with her in her own apt because of the lack of three way communication. Ironically-had the wife KNOWN, none of it would have been a huge deal-she just didn't KNOW)
 
Your house is your house. You can put up all the family photos you want. What's she going to do, come over and tear them down? She's got her own house, she doesn't even have to come over. I thought the whole point of this was she didn't want to be in the same house as you. So why is she coming over and scrutinizing your wall hangings?

Now the money is a separate issue. Who earns the money? What agreement has he made about allowing her to control the money? What kind of discussion and negotiation did they have when he decided to start giving half of it away?

In our household, my husband earns about 90% of the income, but he's absolutely horrible at budgeting and finances in general. So I hold the purse strings. He keeps his per-diem from work and lives & plays off that, and I have various budgets (my "envelopes"). Neither one of us micromanages the other's finances. We tried that in the very beginning, it was awful. It took time and discussion, trial and error, for us to reach a point where we were both happy with how all that looked. That's not to say we don't still have our conflicts over it, but it works. We both have both accountability (staying within our budgets) and liberty (having separate budgets to stay within).

When you say she "keeps tabs," does that mean she holds the purse strings, or only that she keeps track? If they're both drawing from the same well and she's responsible for making sure that the budget is balanced, then of course she's going to keep tabs of every penny he spends. It would be financially irresponsible for her not to. But maybe they need to discuss a different model. For example, you and she each get an allotment to spend on your respective households, and she doesn't have any oversight of the money once it's in your hands. Of course, this is assuming he's making all the money. If she's earning her own income, then it's a lot more complicated.

Speaking of earning "own income," you really need to get on that. Your kids are teenagers, so childcare is not an issue. Start anywhere for now. I'm always astonished when people say they can't find work. What they mean is they can't find meaningful work that is satisfying for a lifelong career, or they can't find work locally that pays enough to support their whole family. Since he's willing to support you, that's not a concern. For now, you just need "a job." That will give you the experience and references required to get a better job.

As for this trip, the three of you could sit down and set a trip budget. Then that's that. She'll know what to expect and she won't have to keep tabs on it. If he's the type to just spend money all willy-nilly, then yeah you'll probably have to keep him in line. If he's not willing to stay within a budget, then that's between them. Not your problem.
 
Last edited:
I had quiet a chunk of money (an inheritance) and was comfortable. In order to get custody of my kids and to move them out of state I basically had to give it all to my ex. Yes, I had to buy off my ex husband. Darling told me to "drain your account" and I'll support you completely. I kept asking him if he understood what that meant. Fast forward and apparently, he didn't give his wife an idea what it would cost. So, here I am broke and seeking work but having to depend on them for everything from food to shoes for my kids. It is humbling. When my daughter's medications came up I thought she was going to lose it. They are quiet expensive. It's something I had been explaining to him for months. It's difficult to go from financially independent to having all your expenses evaluated by a third party.

She even went so far as to tell me that when they do divorce she will get half of all assets. Of course she will. Oh, and she expect reimbursement of whatever he has spent on us, I guess.

As for the house, since they will purchase it with community assets, she feels it is going to be "her house" even if we are living in it. She expects compensation later and she expect free in and out rights. So, it's not really my home after all.

Just getting tired of all the "discussions" that I was assured happened that apparently did not. Ready to bail on this who situation except I'm trapped.
 
She sounds abusive, not to mention in violation of most residential tenancy laws I've ever heard of. Do you have some kind of lease arrangement for the house you're living in?
I mean what choice do I have?
Honestly? If he can't keep his side of the bargain you could move in with friends or family for a while until you find work and can live independantly. If you have no friends or family locally you could look into your options with a shelter.
 
I'm always astonished when people say they can't find work. What they mean is they can't find meaningful work that is satisfying for a lifelong career, or they can't find work locally that pays enough to support their whole family.
Please don't assume and put words in someone else's mouth. This is something that really irritates me. Unless you're there in that same geographical location, you have NO idea what the job market is like. I don't need meaningful work. I don't even need to support my family. I need to be able to pay for daycare and gas, so I don't LOSE money by working, but that's it. I'll work at Target or the grocery store. Or go back to waitressing. Or do any sort of retail or food service in lieu of being a teacher. But with how competitive the job market is here, I've never even gotten a response from any of the applications I've put in.

To BlazenBurn, I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. I agree with the suggestion that all three of you need to sit down together and discuss arrangements. She needs to know what he promised. You need a proper written tenancy agreement. And write it all down, because it sounds like his word is not worth much, and what he says may not be a reflection of what he actually does.
 
I am quite sorry that you are in this very unfortunate situation. I decided to go back and read some of your other posts to actually respond to what is happening now.

First, you and your children were supposed to be there for x amount of time, and HE decided that he wanted you all to stay. He never bothered to ask his wife and child how they felt even though they lived in the same house. That issue was resolved by him/them buying the house next door, which enabled you and your children to move in.

Fast forward to now, and in essence, the wife is helping to support you and your children. Is she employed or is she a stay-at-home mum? Even if it's indirectly, she is taking care of you like a parent takes care of a child. Funds that were in their home are leaving to take care of you and your family. If I were here, I would track every pound spent. It is exceedingly hard to balance the finances in one home. Let alone in two. She has went from helping to run her household with one child and her husband to possibly helping to support you and two more children. Put yourself in her shoes. If she just about lost it over expensive medicines for your child, that alone indicates that the finances are an object. She would be irresponsible to not track what was spent. In that sense, I understand. Their budget probably had to be restructured to expand to include three more people to support. For all we know, finances could have already been tight.

What if he never told her of his plans to support you 100%? Chances are she found out after you had moved into the house, which is why she casually mentioned divorce. I would suggest getting a job, earning an income own your own, and standing on your own two feet. I realise you had to buy off your ex, and that really sucks when you have the two teenagers. You are probably accustomed to being independent, so this is hard.

My advice depends on whether their home is one-income or two-income. Possibly three if the teenager is old enough to work and has a job of his/her own. Definitely talk to both of them. Controlling what you hang up on the walls? Was there any type of agreement on paper that included your name and your rights as a tenant? If not, what would happen if the wife decided to put you and your children out or to take over the home as hers? Would you have a legal leg or an agreement--outside of a verbal one--to stand on?
 
I talked to Darling about the situation last night. He told his wife that he would be supporting me and the children months ago. At the time, she understood and was agreeable. She even agreed that I should pay my ex a large sum of money in order to finish my divorce, saying they would replace it for me (apparently that will not be happening now).

Darling is VERY comfortable financially. His wife is not employed nor has she ever had to work. He is surprised at her sudden obsession with money and did not expect this at all. He says the money issues are between him and her. I agreed but said that I am part of it because she is constantly reminding me how much they are spending on us. Even to the point that if he takes me to dinner, she will ask me what the cost was.

The issue of divorce has been on the table for awhile, it's not a casual discussion. They are both ready for it. She wants to make sure that she gets half of everything and that her lifestyle doesn't change. I believe that is one of the reasons right now for the money issues. The reasons they are still legally married is because of the money and she feels it would be too traumatic to their child. She is due half of everything, completely. I understand that. I just don't think she needs to keep telling me.

I have thought about what would happen if Darling had an accident. I think that my children and I would be given a little time but then we would be left on the street. Darling put me on as a beneficiary to one of his retirement funds but she told me that she never signed off on it because she wants cash reimbursement for her half of it.

As for the house. I just give up. This will never be my home. She is not going to let it. It's just a roof over our heads.
 
Please don't assume and put words in someone else's mouth. This is something that really irritates me. Unless you're there in that same geographical location, you have NO idea what the job market is like.

That's why I specified "locally."

I know that job markets vary by location. Right now, Canada is facing a crisis of skilled labour. If you're willing to learn a trade, the government will pay for your training. Saskatchewan has a graduate retention program that will repay 100% of your tuition if you stay in the province for 7 years, no matter where in the world you did your education, whether it's university or trade school.

CN will hire anyone who can swing a hammer, and give them full benefits and a substantial union-protected wage.

My step-daughter's boyfriend, at the ripe old age of 20, is making $150k working in the Alberta oil sands.

I know there are oil and mining jobs in the US that are in the same position. Yes, you have to relocate. Yes, the jobs are tough. When you have a family, you do what you need to do to survive.

There has never been a time in human history when people didn't relocate to find resources. From tracking the bison across the plains to settling the new world to moving to the oil sands, you go where the opportunities are.

... Does this mean I think any of this is a good thing? Hell no. I fucking hate capitalism, and it angers me that so many people in the world are put in this position because of it. That's a separate issue entirely. But it's the system we have right now, so you work with it.
 
Last edited:
Perhaps they need to get a postnuptial agreement and make any pending separations a little easier. (We have pre and post. If we were to part ways, I would not have time to be fighting about properties, finances, cars, and everything else. I have no desire to be in and out of divorce court for years. In our agreements, certain things are off-limits for both. Cuts down on the confusion.)

If things continue on this path, they will get worse, and you will feel even more miserable and uncomfortable. It sounds like she does not want funds from their home going to you because she feels like they may infringe and cut into "her half." I do not know if that is feelings as a result of knowing the divorce is coming, feelings of resentment towards you (like you are her replacement/have taken her place), or if she is just being cold and hateful.


You said you talked to Darling, and he says the issues are between him and her. Thereby an extension of you. He has no idea why she is acting like that, so I think you should find it. Have you talked to her one-on-one? Not relayed messages through Darling. If you have not, I know I would ask what was going on, and why she suddenly reneged on the original agreement of helping you and your children out? Why is it such a big deal when he takes you out to dinner? She has the issue with it, so she needs to be the one answering the questions. It does not sound like you have done anything to her to warrant her behaviour or her treatment of you. Who knows what is going on in her mind or even in their marriage?

I hope it gets better for you. Hang in there.
 
I have thought about what would happen if Darling had an accident. I think that my children and I would be given a little time but then we would be left on the street. Darling put me on as a beneficiary to one of his retirement funds but she told me that she never signed off on it because she wants cash reimbursement for her half of it.

As for the house. I just give up. This will never be my home. She is not going to let it. It's just a roof over our heads.

He should be able to put the title of your house in your name only, and keep the mortgage in his name. He can get mortgage life insurance so that if something happens, the house gets paid off and becomes yours free and clear, because your name is on the title.

He could take out a life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary.

Depending on how ruthless he wants to be, there are some other steps he can take to protect himself and you.

Married or not, it's his legal right to leave everything he owns to anyone he wants, even if "everything he owns" is only half the communal property. He can write his will with you and his daughter as sole inheritors, probably with a trust fund set up for his daughter, with a trust company to hold it until she reaches a certain age so Mum can't touch it. They probably have a shared title on their own house, so she would automatically get that.

He can put his bank accounts in his own name and name you as the beneficiary in the event of his death. Upon death, beneficiaries on accounts take precedence before spouses and wills. Accounts with beneficiaries do not make up part of his estate, and thus are not divided between inheritors. He can even open joint accounts in both your names, so that the money in them is legally half yours. Then, upon divorce, she can only have half of his half. If he really wants to play no holds barred, he can even turn every penny he has over to you and have his pay cheques deposited straight into your account, and then she can't touch it at all. The daughter will be provided for with child support and alimony, or she can choose to live with him.

If they're heading for divorce, the time to do all this is now, before the lawyers get involved. As long as they're only "talking about" divorce, he can do whatever he wants with any money he can get his hands on, and she can't say boo. From her perspective, if she wants to guarantee she gets half of everything, she needs to move out NOW and get a lawyer and start locking down accounts. "I own half of everything" only matters when the divorce proceedings start. With the way things are heading, and given the platonic nature of their marriage, she's probably better off to just shut her mouth and keep living the good life... assuming that's what matters most to her, which appears to be the case.
 
Last edited:
If you live in a community property state you can't name a beneficiary other than your wife without her signing off on it. At least that's how it works in my state.
 
Oh really? That's kinda sucky. Here, you can name any beneficiary you want.

I have mixed feelings about a lot of marriage laws. On the one hand, I understand the need to protect mothers (or fathers, but usually mothers) who agree by mutual decision to quit working and stay home with young children instead of sticking them in daycare... And I do respect that kind of parenting, I really do... but I also believe that when your kids reach a certain age and spend most of their days at school, you should be out working like the rest of us. Just because your husband makes enough that you don't have to doesn't mean you're entitled to a free ride for the rest of your life. It's not like wives of rich men work any harder than wives of poor men. Not that rich men work harder than poor men, either. Ahh, classism. How I despise thee.

I've just always felt that part of spousal support is ass-backwards. "I supported your ass for 20 years because you didn't want to work and I make enough that you didn't have to. Now that the kids are grown and out of the house, you sit around all day watching soaps and having tea with the other Stepford wives. I'm sick of supporting your lazy ass, but if I leave you, I'll have to give you half my money for the rest of my life, just so you can keep sitting around doing nothing." It just makes no sense to me.

Now child support, I get. Two people create a child, two people should be responsible for that child until they are old enough to be responsible for themself. Children have no choice to enter the family, so they shouldn't be penalized for the family breaking up. But adults do choose whether to get married, whether to have children, and whether to stop working. The consequences of those choices are theirs to bear.
 
Not that rich men work harder than poor men, either. Ahh, classism. How I despise thee.


And in reality it's usually the opposite. The shittiest jobs tend to pay the least (although trash collectors do pretty well where I live) and you can't even point a finger and say "but if you get an education you can make a living using your mind instead of your body" because "education" is also something that is taken for granted by people who have money to begin with.

So, I'm not even sure where people get the idea that those who have money have it because they "work harder". Maybe at one time, such as during the late 19th and the first three quarters of the 20th centuries it was possible to work one's way up from the bottom of a business to become a "self-made man" or outstanding figure in a particular area of consumer demand, but that is just something that most people fantasize about but very few of them actually realize nowadays. Popular culture continues to promote this as a noble aspiration, but in practice it's pretty rare to achieve an affluent standard of living based on character and merit only.
 
Out state you can't name a beneficiary except spouse unless the spouse signs off.

However-you can deposit payroll anywhere and if it is deposited into an account with someone else's name-it is half THEIRS.
Also-the property/house/mortgage suggestion is solid.
 
He told his wife that he would be supporting me and the children months ago. At the time, she understood and was agreeable. She even agreed that I should pay my ex a large sum of money in order to finish my divorce, saying they would replace it for me

Did you hear this directly from her? Or is this what HE TOLD YOU?


He is surprised at her sudden obsession with money and did not expect this at all. He says the money issues are between him and her.

Same question: what do you know directly from her and what do you 'know' because he told you?


As for the house. I just give up. This will never be my home. She is not going to let it. It's just a roof over our heads.
I'm also curious, as another person asked: what's she going to do if you hang up your own family pictures? Come in and tear them down? Does she have a key to the house? Is she coming and going at will?
 
Does it concern you that he says he doesn't know why she is suddenly concerned? She is accounting for all the money he spends on you because she is going to demand her half of that amount back in the divorce. It seems likely that any money he tried to set aside for you would be seen as him trying to hide it from the divorce. If she has been staying largely for the financial benefits, doesn't it make sense that she will be looking to keep every cent she can and is keeping tabs on his spending for that reason? It is of no benefit to her to stop harassing you about the money until its final. What he tells you they've discussed and her behavior tell two different stories and you should look out for yourself accordingly. When he tells you the money issue is between he and his wife, you could remind him the harassment issue is between you and her. Maybe if you are only in the leasing stage of this house next door, they could reconsider if that is too close for both families well being. I assume she intends to stay in that house and if she is treating you badly because she feels he treated her badly, who knows if the situation would improve after the divorce.
 
So many issues

There are too many issues here, I will address just one.

The treatment you are getting from the wife: There are some important facts here. She does not work and I did not see anywhere in the thread that she has assets. This makes her completely dependent on her husband. Even if she could go out and take a job, it will likely to be sufficient to support her present lifestyle. When you fully depend on somebody, it is like riding next to the driver on a highway. His actions can wipe you out in an instant and the fact that you have no control over them creates uncertainty for you. The wife here faces a great uncertainty because her lifestyle could be permanently compromised in an instant, should her husband chose to deplete the assets over which he has control.

Uncertainty kills. Even a not-so-good final arrangement is a better alternative because the downside is already known. Here, even though the husband has the money, the wife sees you as the main source of uncertainty. A potential threat to end her lifestyle. Her sudden preoccupation with money indicates that.

When a person puts a threat to something we had considered "our own" for a long time, things can get ugly. So long as she perceives you a threat to her future, she will scrutinize every step you make. Even worse, she may start despising everything related to you. I have seen situations like that. The interesting point is that she may otherwise not have anything against you. But until her property rights are set in stone, I'd expect a turf war.
 
So, I'm not even sure where people get the idea that those who have money have it because they "work harder". Maybe at one time, such as during the late 19th and the first three quarters of the 20th centuries it was possible to work one's way up from the bottom of a business to become a "self-made man" or outstanding figure in a particular area of consumer demand, but that is just something that most people fantasize about but very few of them actually realize nowadays.

Rich people point at Donald Trump and Dr. Phil and say "Look! If that guy did it, anyone can!" No, anyone can't.

Yes, it's possible to become a self-made millionaire. But it takes just the right combination of charisma, brains, and determination. Many people don't even realize that just having those things already gives you a step up.

A smart kid in the Bronx can work his ass off, get scholarships, go to college, and just barely get out of that life. A dumb fuck from Beverly Hills can snort coke all through high school, have Daddy buy his way into Yale, make a big enough donation to graduate even though he's an idiot, and join the family business at the top.

North America is a lot more like the caste system of India than many people realize. The only difference is they know it, whereas we pretend to live in "the land of opportunity."
 
Rich people point at Donald Trump and Dr. Phil and say "Look! If that guy did it, anyone can!"

But Donald Trump is not a self-made rich man. His father made money in real estate, after his grandfather made a fortune running brothels, and his current companies all have silent partners who really pull the strings while letting him be the face known to the public.
 
Back
Top