Update: Opening Up
So, I thought I'd take some time to give an update to my situation since this past summer. I like to call it awesomely complicated (my wife, L, maybe would call it something else
). Anyway, I've been on a few dates with two different people now, and some chatting with a third, all of whom identify as non-monogamous. My wife, L, knows about these chats and dates, though she doesn't know how much I am romantically involved (particularly with one woman). I guess she might suspect something more, but she doesn't know the more juicy details (lots of kissing and romantic machinations). I was in therapy (alone) today and was encouraged to be more open about it; things have happened so fast and I'm I'm trying to be more gradual with my wife, who still feels rather monogamous, it just hasn't been easy to come out with that. Plus, we're only just getting better about talking about all this. In parallel, we're working on our own relationship and trying to be more intimate, communicative, and sexual. And, thankfully, it has been working and L and I are actually having some improved experiences and connection. I think part of it is that even in the midst of poly dating I made an extra effort to make sure L knows I love her, take her on dates, and plan some special nights with her ... and I think that has really helped.
I'd like to take it to the next level (sex) and L knows that I want to do that (I've explained these poly dates as being more or less like regular dating, just for people who can think outside a mono box). But, she's uncomfortable with it, L's trying to say it shouldn't matter, but she feels that sex = marriage, so if I am having sex with someone else, I must want to abandon our marriage. There is also a strong feeling of failure, like if she had paid more attention to me, or been more sexual or [fill in the blank], I wouldn't be doing this. I don't think that's true ... I just finally decided to stand up for my needs even if it makes L feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to live asexually (as it was, or even if things improve, less sexual than I'd like) any more and I really like the idea of dating and being involved with other women on a more romantic level.
Anyway - that's my quick update. I guess it might be interesting to hear how other people have dealt with a monogamist and if there were ways to accommodate both sides without forcing a split. At this point I'm pretty certain we'll make it out as a couple, but it's not a sure thing ... and perhaps it will still take many more months before L would accept my having sex with someone else.