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  #391  
Old 02-21-2015, 01:03 AM
us2ntenn us2ntenn is offline
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I dont have the expertise in this area to give advice, but I did want to mention we have made some really good friends on AFF but more so on SLS. We have many friends from the swinging community and I am proud to say that most of these are the most real, sincere and reliable folks weve ever met.. We used to host quarterly socials and I even earned the nickname Sultan(of swing)! Anyway..you just have to read between the lines and analyze those one night stands..My theory is even those single guys and girls that are looking for a hookup would gladly become involved in a relationship if the right opportunity afforded itself. I think most of us are looking for a person(or persons) to share our lives with ..Its just that some take more than others.
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  #392  
Old 02-21-2015, 01:31 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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I met my last GF online. It ended badly, but that can happen regardless of where you meet someone. All my other relationships have happened naturally, just meeting people with common interests.

That said, I have a fair amount of bonuses that make it easier for me than it may be for others: I am female (poly men generally have a harder time), bi (with a heavy preference for women) which expands my dating pool :-) , have fairly social and physically active hobbies that mean I regularly meet new people, etc.
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  #393  
Old 02-21-2015, 02:36 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have always had better luck in real life.

I met Murf through the local car scene. I get out and socialize without Butch.

I just live my life have a good time and the right people come along at the right time.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #394  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:31 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
So, how did you personally find the people closest to you who matched your ability to live polyamorously?

For example did your relationships develop based on mutually-shared preferences for how you want to live and experience polyamory? Did you look for people who matched your specific preferences in poly style?
Hmmm...I never actually "looked for" anyone. I never ID'd as monogamous and never really expected to find myself in a "relationship" at all. I met MrS at a party, decided I wanted to sleep with him. A few months later that happened...so did other stuff, and, viola, I find myself in a relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
Or were you rather flexible--are the current forms of your relationships resulting more from what works with whomever you have dated, meaning your life would have been very different based on who you'd have dated VS what it is now?
Yes, this. I was not "looking for" anything - just open to the possibilities that presented themselves.

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Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
Has anyone just "met" people that were open to the idea, without it being on a dating or social site specifically for that purpose?
Both of my "primary" partners (i.e. the ones that I live with) I met in real life and were introduced to the concept of poly by me. Also my two long-term female FWBs were friends-of-friends and just "happened" along.

We didn't join OKC until recently - which is where Dude met Lotus (he had been on Match before that). (I think I am the only one with a still active OKC account currently - not that I am doing anything with it, as I feel pretty poly-saturated at this point.)
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #395  
Old 02-23-2015, 04:11 PM
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ElkSun ElkSun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuddenlyStoneElf View Post
I'd also like your opinions on how you came to find any like-minded people as far as your poly arrangements go.
Did you mostly frequent dating/social sites for that?

Has anyone just "met" people that were open to the idea, without it being on a dating or social site specifically for that purpose?

For some reason, purpose-driven places turn me right off... I'm wondering if that's shooting me in the foot. I find myself uninterested in joining a poly community in person because I don't want to find myself involved in that many lives all of a sudden... over here the group seems close-knit, with everyone knowing a bunch about everyone else's partners. That's too much for me, I'm a hardcore introvert!
Almost everyone we have met was through OkCupid. It's nice because you can limit your interactions to only those who are poly or poly-friendly.

I have mingled with one poly community in our area. There were lots of people with varying personalities, intentions, gossip cliques, and big potential for widespread drama with passing around of partners. I personally tend to veer away from big groups, group-think, ego and superficiality, and I'm somewhat an individualist.

There is another poly community here that is considered a 'reading group' (a non-dating atmosphere) which I've thought about attending, but I haven't because I don't feel like dealing with all the potential assumptions made about poly guys who might show up by themselves (assumptions that I'm not really poly, or that I'm just there to date). I no longer have the patience nor inclination to prove myself to some skeptical group of people. My spouse and her other male partner would probably want to do something else with our time anyway.

I'd rather interact with other poly people on either an individual or poly-family to poly-family basis, rather than big groups.
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Last edited by ElkSun; 02-23-2015 at 04:21 PM.
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  #396  
Old 02-24-2015, 02:04 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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It just started with me meeting my husband and marrying him. We were fine and dandy and relatively monogamous untill I fell in love with a man I had a sort of relationship with, it was not so sexual but very romantic and it lasted more than 4 intense years. I got involved in the poly community and got friends there. My ideal was one primary and 1-2 secondary relationships. After I was finally able to shake my sort of lover off me (he was communicating with neighter me nor my husband, nor anyone else for that matter), I swore to only date people who were in the poly scene - thinking that would be safer, since people there at least in theory would have codes to follow. Then I went and did the strangest thing - I met a guy abroad who was not really into romantic relationships before me, but his ideals are monogamous and he is also from a different country, culture and religion than me. He don't know what happened either but for some reason he just started to adore me. Polyamory was difficult for him to grasp but he did and does it for me. It quickly became obvious that I now had two primary relationships and that we were going to be structured as polyfidility. I made the promise early on to never have anyone else besides the two of them. I feel very forfilled by my relationships - like I was always meant to be with these two. We have our rough spots, but for the most time our V seems to be working. The guys adore oneanother and always have - their personalities are rather similar. I travel internationally to make this happen and right now my boyfriend is visiting me and my husband. It is not easy but I do love them both and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

I have a rather big circle of polyamorous friends, some Vs, some family structure type of relationships, some bordering swingers, some single polys. It is always interesting to see what happens to the poly network. Some live lives that are very different from mine but somehow we are all in the same big poly-boat, and for instance there are legal challenges (I would for instance want to be able to marry my boyfriend but right now that is not possible).

Last edited by Norwegianpoly; 02-24-2015 at 02:14 AM.
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  #397  
Old 02-24-2015, 02:41 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm a straight woman who practices poly as a solo. My style of poly is to be independent, autonomous, and to keep my relationships separate. I'm kind of in flux right now with regard to the people I'm seeing, but how it usually works for me is to be fairly flexible. For me, online dating is very different than real-world dating.

I have fairly good luck meeting interesting guys out while living my life, and so I date and get to know them, and at some point we talk about what we want and see if we want to continue.

In the real world, I'm pretty open to meeting anyone that I feel attracted to and hit it off with (usually we meet over a conversation in a bar, restaurant, or social situation). I don't feel it is useful to try and have a role that I've planned in advance for someone to fit into, so I don't "look for" only poly people. I also very rarely attend poly happenings in my city because there has always been too much of a cross-over with the kink community whenever I've gone and I find that a turn-off. Besides, I've never really met anyone at these things that I've found attractive.

So, anyway, I meet someone, go out with them, and then we see what happens. If it moves along toward some kind of relationship, we will talk about having the freedom to see others and maybe ask a few questions of each other and how we're going to handle that, and that's it. I usually don't even bring up the word "polyamory," because most people don't really know what it means, anyway, and I don't feel any need to be a poly poster child.

Online, I need to be more specific. I still will correspond with and possibly arrange to meet guys are aren't poly, but it is more likely that is where I will meet poly men because of what is in my profile. In those cases, yes, I ask a lot of questions about how they manage multiple relationships because, let's face it - a lot of people do poly really stupidly. Or vastly different than how I want to do it. I have developed my own personal boundaries and if the way someone does poly would violate those boundaries, why bother. I won't even meet them no matter how smart, funny, and cute they are. Just because I choose to practice polyamory, I don't need to go out and collect people to create relationships with.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-24-2015 at 02:44 AM.
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  #398  
Old 02-27-2015, 04:38 AM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
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Thanks for all your replies, everyone.

I've read them and thought over them, but one thing sticks to my mind like a sore thumb. I'm extremely embarassed to ask this but I'll just keep wondering if I don't...

How many people did you all have to let go, avoid or ignore because they were inherently monogamous? Did you even have to?
(Especially those of you who just "met" people without filtering first.)

I'm asking because I have the impression that if I go the route of meeting people without a specific dating "agenda" (I hate that word but it fits), I'll be hitting wall after wall of guys who are offended and even disgusted at the idea that I wouldn't want us to be exclusive! I don't have the stomach for that.

I'm basing this impression on the fact that so far, none of my friends (in 2 countries!) have been open to truly discussing the idea of polyamory--even as simple friends. I just don't seem to attract people who are interested in opening their horizons or seriously challenging themselves or questioning how they were brought up to see if anything else might work better, or "might just work" (you never know until you try).

Some friends told me I was crazy to even want to consider this "lifestyle". Various people I talked to, friends or not just... didn't get it, they thought it was a newfangled fashion of somesort, something I'd eventually "grow out of".
One of my supposed trusted friends (whom I have let go of since) even threatened violence over the basic idea that my husband wanted to date other girls.
Another friend completely confuses the idea of swinging with poly.
Everyone else just avoids the topic--my family is very traditional, to the point where my mother once told me "I would support you if you went lesbian, but please don't bring her home!"... so, there won't be any mention of polyamory there either.

Anyone else stuck like me? :/
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  #399  
Old 02-27-2015, 01:12 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Here one more voice for building connections online, especially since you have had so little luck with discussing the idea of polyamory with the people close to you.

Most of my "dating" has stemmed from interesting online conversations on various forums or chats, and recently also on OKC. To answer your question, in this way I have had to let go of one person because they were inherently monogamous. In the conversations online they said that they are willing to try the poly approach, but then in reality they just could not handle it. Our connection happened through an internet forum that had nothing to do with poly at all.

My approach to building connections online is not focused on "dating" or even ever meeting the person IRL necessarily. I like to exchange thoughts, have discussions about a lot of different things. During my poly life, the discussions often have been about relationships and the ethics around them. If a person starts to seem interesting enough (and lives close by, I have had a lot of international connections, too) I might consider meeting them in person. In this way there is no pressure about "dating". If someone starts pushing me to meet in person, that most often is a total turn-off for me and that person is out.
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Last edited by Nadya; 02-27-2015 at 04:34 PM.
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  #400  
Old 02-27-2015, 02:55 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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How many people did you all have to let go, avoid or ignore because they were inherently monogamous? Did you even have to?

Nope never had to get rid of anyone because they were monogamous. I was open and honest about my situation and allowed them to decide whether or not they wanted to date me.

Some decided they couldn't date a married woman. The only ones I brushed away were those only who wanted sex.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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