Secondary to a married person

Anonymous14

New member
Hello everyone,

Looking for some advice as I am in a V relationship with a married woman who is the hinge. The person I am seeing insists she believes in co-primaries, but it is difficult to have her spouse so much more involved and have an extra layer of commitment. Her spouse also seeks to delegitimize my role, calling me the "friend" and insisting that I can be in a relationship with her as long as it doesn't change his "family vision". I am more mono myself, so I have worked hard on managing jealousy but the pain of not being able to live with my partner is becoming real. I wanted advice on how to deal with the feeling of being pushed out or having my relationship diminished by them having a baby (which will happen in the next year or so), and them planning a later in life "honeymoon" that is set to happen within a couple months. My partner is spending so much time making sure that her spouse is comfortable and secure that it feels like that relationship matters more to her than ours. Any thoughts from people who have been in similar situations is appreciated, thank you.
 
Hi there,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the forums. I'm relatively new myself but have found the insight and advice of senior members to often be accurate.

I have a few questions that will help to determine the sort of response we give you.

1. How did your situation come about?
In particular, was the husband aware of you and his wife developing feelings for each other from the beginning, or did they enter polyamory after the two of you developed feelings for each other? The two scenarios differ greatly in how much emotional vulnerability and security the husband will be feeling in this situation.

2. Are the married couple experienced in polyamory?
In particular, it strikes me as odd that your partner feel like she wants two co-primaries when her current primary clearly rejects that model. What does polyamory mean to them? Does the husband have a girlfriend on the side? Does your partner have other partners currently or in the past? If you're her first romantic other apart from her husband... that makes a difference!

Answers to your questions will vary depending on what the 3 of you want to do with your polyamory. Answers will also vary depending on how long the two of you have been dating.

Look forward to giving you some useful responses after we know more about your situation.

Kindly,
Shaya
 
Hi Anonymous14,

You are in a difficult situation, I don't envy you. It sounds like you are doomed to remain a secondary in a poly situation you do not want (e.g., you would like to be the live-in partner). I figure you're probably venting, so this cloud must have a silver lining. Can I ask, what makes you want to stay in this relationship? If it were me, I think I'd rather break up. Seek another relationship where I can have the things that I want, and not be diminished.

I hope things get better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for the welcome!

My partner discovered she was poly after she fell in love with me, so I am her first romantic partner since her husband. She went to her husband early on and explained the feelings she had for me. It took about another 8 months of reinforcing to him that those feelings weren't changing and that I was also interested in her. Eventually she and the husband had the conversation about him giving consent for her and I to begin dating. Neither of us has partners outside of the V and none of us intend to in the future.

None of us are experienced in polyamory. To her, she just happened to fall in love with 2 people and wants to nurture both relationships; in the past she has spoken about how she would have married me if she would have met me first.

I assume he is hesitant about her dating me. He seems more fine with her having me "just" as a sexual partner, rather than developing the meaningful relationship we already have.
 
Hi Kevin,

I'm staying in the relationship because its just so unbelievably great with her. When we are together I am treated as a primary, it's just around the husband that I have to step back and almost pretend to be lesser in order to appease his ego. I believe her that eventually we can have the level of commitment I'm looking for aka "co-primary" and living arrangements can be figured out (either her splitting time between him and I or me living in their guesthouse), but I know it will take a lot of time for the husband to ease into that.
 
Okay, that makes more sense.

It sounds like patience is your friend here, her husband takes a long time to come around to things, but he does eventually come around.

At least that's my impression.
 
The real test will come if you want to have children with her, or perhaps if she chooses to divide her time and live part-time with you (and that is less likely if she has a child with her husband). I suspect that her husband will not be okay with either (knowing nothing about him other than he probably isn't innately poly, given how this started). Do you think he might eventually be okay with you moving in with them? I think there are two things could happen if he doesn't embrace this fully: she'll be forced to choose between you, or he'll choose to leave. The current situation may be as good as it gets for you, unless they split up.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle.

I am going to ask some questions. You do not have to actually answer them here. I just ask them in case it helps you better articulate what the main problem or top 3 problems are. Maybe if you solve the big ones and that takes 70% of the burden off your plate, then living with the smaller ones for a while could feel less stressy to you?

Looking for some advice as I am in a V relationship with a married woman who is the hinge. The person I am seeing insists she believes in co-primaries, but it is difficult to have her spouse so much more involved and have an extra layer of commitment.

I believe her that eventually we can have the level of commitment I'm looking for aka "co-primary" and living arrangements can be figured out (either her splitting time between him and I or me living in their guesthouse), but I know it will take a lot of time for the husband to ease into that.

Could call it "working toward co-primaries" then. You and her seem to be on the same page on that.

Is her spouse? Does he want to be in a co-primary model? Is the problem that you are all not on the same page for what poly model it is you are practicing together? He wants (primary-secondary) forever, where you might be willing to accept (primary-secondary to start, and working toward co-primary over time)?

...insisting that I can be in a relationship with her as long as it doesn't change his "family vision".

What IS his "family vision?" And where do you fit into it as a co-primary?

What is HER vision? Where do you fit into that?

What is YOUR vision? How do these people fit into that?

Are all these things compatible?

or having my relationship diminished by them having a baby (which will happen in the next year or so), and them planning a later in life "honeymoon" that is set to happen within a couple months.

Setting the spouse's behavior aside for a moment...

How do these things diminish your relationship with her? The baby, them having a vacation? If he wasn't behaving so annoying, would these things bother you as much? I sit that you want to do these things with her?

Her spouse also seeks to delegitimize my role, calling me the "friend"

Is this because he doesn't want to be "out" as poly at this time? And that's something you can live with for now? Out and about in town or meeting new people you are willing to be called "friend" but in private you want to be called "partner?" Something else?

Or is this because she goes around telling him that she would have married you instead had she met you first. So he feels bad, and he tries to assert his "husband" position over your "friend" position to make himself feel better?

Or is this because he doesn't really want to do poly, and hopes by being difficult or passive aggressive you will quit or she will quit and then he is free of it without him actually having to say "I don't like this. I don't want to do this. I quit" to anyone?

Or is this growing pains for him -- learning how to get his brain around the fact that he agreed to be in a V, and figuring out how to deal with poly hell feelings? Perhaps you are having some poly hell things too as the hinge figures out how to balance her time between the two. Like the "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" isn't here yet, and weathering out the transition time in between is going rough for all of you but in different ways?

I wanted advice on how to deal with the feeling of being pushed out

What behavior is he doing that pushes you out? When he does these things, have you asked him directly to please stop doing X. Please do Y instead?

Are you doing any thinking behavior or action behavior that is you pushing yourself out or holding yourself apart or back? Have you asked yourself to stop doing that?

My partner is spending so much time making sure that her spouse is comfortable and secure that it feels like that relationship matters more to her than ours.

Is the problem is not so much the husband's behavior but your GF's response to it? Like his behavior is a problem... but the bigger problem is her behavior? He acts out, she drops everything and goes running to attend to him. Your time with her gets cut short by her as a result?

And your worry is that he will always be acting out so even though she wants to be working toward co-primary, it's going to be her forever propping him up rather than him actually dealing with his issues or her telling him "No. Not at this time. We can deal with that when I get home" or just letting it go to voice mail?

Is that it? :confused:

When we are together I am treated as a primary, it's just around the husband that I have to step back and almost pretend to be lesser in order to appease his ego.

So you too are helping to prop him up and you don't like shrinking yourself? Is that part the problem? How would you like things to be around the husband instead? What stops you from behaving that way instead?

SUGGESTION

Spend some time thinking all those areas out. Maybe it helps you identify other sore spots not mentioned. Perhaps do a list and put them in order?

After thinking it over... what emerges at the main problem? Or top 3 problems?

I assume he is hesitant about her dating me. He seems more fine with her having me "just" as a sexual partner, rather than developing the meaningful relationship we already have.

So if he needs to think this for now as part of him "easing into it" how about you let him think whatever for now? And carry on with your meaningful relationship in the meanwhile?

I believe her that eventually we can have the level of commitment I'm looking for aka "co-primary" and living arrangements can be figured out (either her splitting time between him and I or me living in their guesthouse), but I know it will take a lot of time for the husband to ease into that.

Then you have to clock the time.

Is he clocking the time? If you and her are both doing various things to help prop him up and avoid dealing with things... how's that helping him ease into that?

I cannot tell if you need someone to say "Yeah, transition time sometimes sucks. Hang in there" or if there's a more "active" problem you need solving right now.

At any rate... sometimes the transition time DOES suck sometimes. It is not always comfortable. But that's how change and growth happens. At the edges of the previous comfort zone. Hopefully it is "comfortably uncomfortable" and not like WAY uncomfortbale taking on more than you can chew.

So hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Hi,

Thanks for the further clarifications. I'll write more later but this quote of yours stood out to me because I think you misinterpret something.

My partner is spending so much time making sure that her spouse is comfortable and secure that it feels like that relationship matters more to her than ours.

To me, she's giving her husband security because she wants to be with you. The husband is clearly reluctant to allow poly. Her efforts to make him comfortable and secure are so that he will allow poly, which then allows her to have you. You said it yourself. She would have married you if she met you first. If this feeling is known to her husband, that's a pretty insecure position from which to open up a marriage to allow your wife to advance what started as an emotional affair, from his viewpoint. In short, your relationship matters to her a lot. Your quote shows you got it backwards.

To second that point, the fact that she wants coprimaries rather than a primary/secondary relationship despite the fact that she's been dating her husband monogamously for years, has (I presume) co-mingled finances, and other dressings of monogamy, says she wants you. A lot. This furthers my earlier point that you got it backwards - she wants you and has chosen to do a poly style (coprimary) that her partner doesn't want because she wants you - a person whom she has dated only for a few months - to feel as valued as her husband. I personally feel having heirarchy will give more stability to this V but that's just my opinion, based on how you and the husband don't seem to like each other and how you both seem to prefer monogamy. Just my opinion.

As I said, I'll write more later. I think the husband is hurting from this having started from an emotional affair but I may be reading too much of my situation into it.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
Hi,

Thanks for the further clarifications. I'll write more later but this quote of yours stood out to me because I think you misinterpret something.



To me, she's giving her husband security because she wants to be with you. The husband is clearly reluctant to allow poly. Her efforts to make him comfortable and secure are so that he will allow poly, which then allows her to have you. You said it yourself. She would have married you if she met you first. If this feeling is known to her husband, that's a pretty insecure position from which to open up a marriage to allow your wife to advance what started as an emotional affair, from his viewpoint. In short, your relationship matters to her a lot. Your quote shows you got it backwards.

To second that point, the fact that she wants coprimaries rather than a primary/secondary relationship despite the fact that she's been dating her husband monogamously for years, has (I presume) co-mingled finances, and other dressings of monogamy, says she wants you. A lot. This furthers my earlier point that you got it backwards - she wants you and has chosen to do a poly style (coprimary) that her partner doesn't want because she wants you - a person whom she has dated only for a few months - to feel as valued as her husband. I personally feel having heirarchy will give more stability to this V but that's just my opinion, based on how you and the husband don't seem to like each other and how you both seem to prefer monogamy. Just my opinion.

As I said, I'll write more later. I think the husband is hurting from this having started from an emotional affair but I may be reading too much of my situation into it.

Best wishes,
Shaya.

I think you are spot on.

I think OP has to realize that being "the other man" means he has to allow time for the husband to adjust. He also needs to be aware that the husband may end up not being on board at all. It's a really tough situation to be in...for everybody.
 
Hi again Mr. Annonymous,

I hope things are going better for you. I want to say that I'm relatively new to the forums myself and found myself here when my wife wanted to introduce her (emotional) affair partner into our relationship by turning our monogamy into polyamory. I can tell you that this was the most gut-wrenching experience in my life and it was difficult.

Everyone on this forum will tell you something different and that's due to our different life experiences, biasing the way in which we view things. I wanted to share my bias with you so you can weigh that against the advice I give. It's not going to be real advice unless you know where I'm coming from. I hope the disclaimer helps. :)

I've written a lot about transitioning a couple from an affair (emotional or physical) to polyamory. It's something I've given a lot of thought to. I think it's hard because going from monogamy to polyamory with a third person already in mind is really tough. It's always been easy for me to explain this but I'm finding it hard to explain it now because I don't know what life experiences you've had. Maybe imagine you and your current girl (and her husband) go along for 5 years and get into a routine. Then suddenly, she's got the hots for someone else, you never expected her to want someone else. She's now spending less time with you. She talks non stop about her new beau. More than that, she's forcing changes to your relationship rules so that she can enjoy her new flame. It's rough when it wasn't what you signed up for.

I'm glad you guys are taking it slow. You mentioned 8 months earlier. My wife wanted it in 2 weeks. Go slow. Time is your best friend here.

Here are some other people in similar situations. By that, I mean stories written by those who chose to open a long term (monogamous couple) relationship into polyamory with a third already in mind. Most of these stories are written by someone in the couple - either the one who wanted to open the relationship, or the more reluctant partner.

Here is Remnant's story. He's the husband as the hinge in the V, but otherwise could be describing the mirror image of your situation from the point of view of your girlfriend (but he's a different gender obviously). Remnant's wife is reluctant to do poly with the affair partner. Remnant's unwilling to give up either of his women. I gave Remnant a bunch of links to successful poly relationships that started from an affair to try to boost Remant's morale. Maybe I went about it the wrong way.

I have here more than a dozen examples of links to other's stories of couples who went into poly with a third already in mind. The actual poster's story is perhaps not relevant to you, so you can just skip down to the links if you want.

Written from the point of view of a wife as the husband chooses to enter polyamory with the affair partner who provides the husband a kink the wife can't give to the husband. It's rough. It's not polyamory in my eyes. The husband is not being considerate of the wife. (thread 1, thread 2, not sure why she posted in two threads simulatneously, but she now gets 2 types of responses.)

This is a husband describing his difficulty with getting attention from his wife as the wife tries polyamory with the affair partner. There's betrayal, hurt, lies. You get to see everything the husband has to deal with at home.

This is a thread for monogamous couples who have transitioned to polyamory, most of them successfully for several years at least, however you wish to define 'successful'. It doesn't have anything to do with affairs per se, and you might find it a refreshing read after all the gloomy stories above. More than that, there are examples here of how to do it ethically, whereas many of the above examples show how to do it wrongly.

As you read through the links above, I'm sure you will see my bias. I hope you can take my bias in stride and apply the useful bits to your own situation, ignoring all the useless bits.

Best of luck,
Shaya.
 
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