Poly Frenzy

I am having a difficult time knowing where to stop when it comes to polyamory.

I have three partners — a husband and two boyfriends. Despite feeling pretty busy and without room for additional partners, I have been swiping around on OkCupid lately, just out of curiosity and because I felt like I had some extra time on my hands because one of my partners just had a baby. My profile is set to looking only for friends, so it doesn’t get a lot of attention anyway.

Well, I happened to meet someone that I have really clicked with, and the excitement of the prospect of being with a woman (I originally was drawn to polyamory with the desire to have a relationship with a woman, but thus far have only gotten past the first date with men) has made all feelings of polysaturation go out the window. I check my phone for messages from her every 15 min. I am positively blushing as I write this....and our first date hasn’t even happened yet (although it is scheduled). She asked if I was polysaturated and I wanted to say, “yes....but I will make an exception for you!” (I didn’t put it in those terms but I explained why having Whiskers be temporarily unavailable due to having a new baby makes it difficult for me to say for sure whether I can manage an additional relationship).

It has made me wonder if experienced poly folks are better at not getting caught up in the frenzy. Everyone else seems so much more....stable. It feels like I can’t just *ignore* OKCupid...because every time I pay it a little attention, I end up meeting someone cool. And how can I ignore all these potential friends and crushes and lovers? The FOMO is real.

Is this a normal stage of becoming polyamorous that will pass as I become more mature? Or is it more of a set personality type? Am I an NRE junkie?
 
Love may be infinite but time is finite.

I know how much room I have in my life time wise to be fair to my partners and also their needs.

It would not be fair for me to add anyone in my life due to a temporary void in my schedule. Nor would it be fair to my current partners to take time away from them.

But my situation is different than yours. I spend a lot of time with both my husbands. I own homes and pets and have intermingled finances with my partners.
 
Even as someone who considers themselves polysaturated, I'm always tempted when I meed a person who I find attractive and interesting. I find that it actively takes effort to pause and remind myself "hey, as great as they seem, you don't have time for that!"

In fact, even on a friend level I find that I have to do this. To the point where I'm always open to meeting new friends that I might see out at local poly events and such, but I really don't have the free time in my life for a bunch of additional 1-on-1 interactions with new friends.

I'm generally pretty good about just not opening dating apps if I'm polysaturated, so I don't deactivate my profiles, but if that is something you struggle with, I know that many people just delete the app or deactivate their profiles when they know they're polysaturated to remove the temptation.

So I would guess that this is maybe a bit of both in terms of being attributable to being new as well as just personality type? But more importantly, if you know that is a struggle for you, do you want to actively try to not get caught up in new things? In that case, it's more about figuring out what actions you can take to avoid that temptation.
 
Hi MsE,

I don't have to worry about temptation only because I never have any prospects. Specifically, I had no luck on OKCupid, zip, zero. After enough of that kind of experience, it was easy to delete my OKC account and get on with my life. Sometimes I think an extra partner would be nice, but then I think, how? I don't have a car, have very little income coming in (I'm on disability), and have even less ambition to expand on that situation. It satisfies me to do forum stuff, glance at FetLife, scan Facebook, read in a couple of books, and enjoy my time with my two poly companions in my V. Why make life more complicated than it has to be? is kind of my philosophy. But like I said, I never have any prospects whereby to be tempted, and I'm very sure I wouldn't have any on OKC (if I still had an account there). Heck as I get older, my ambition depletes even further. I guess what I'm saying is, it's not like I have any superior wisdom or restraint, or anything like that.

It sound like you might be able to squeeze this woman into your life, just barely. Once you have four partners, you will probably be polysaturated. I believe you'll know when you're polysaturated because, you'll be so occupied by the relationships you already have that you won't even want to look at OKC. In fact looking at OKC will probably feel like an impossible proposition. You literally won't have time for anything, all of your time will be occupied by the relationships you already have. Does that make sense? In other words, you'll know you're polysaturated because you'll no longer be tempted. :p

Just some thoughts,
With regards,
Kevin T.
 
I have one husband, one boyfriend, one best friend, and some LDR very sporadic FWBs. I am also an introvert who needs LOTS of home alone time. I am, mostly, poly-saturated in that I don't spend much time actively seeking prospects, but still consider myself "open" to whatever comes along IRL.

Occasionally, I will find myself in a flirtatious mode and pull up my OKC account, dabble for a few weeks, maybe end up going to a poly MeetUp and then remember how much effort it takes and abandon it again. Maybe it's because I am an introvert but OKC has limited appeal except when I am in a certain mood. I have never met anyone on the site that has become a significant person (friend, lover, partner) in my life. I have much better interactions when I meet people "organically" - but that may be because I don't actually like most people!

People say "NRE junkie" as a dismissive phrase but, although I am not one, I think that is a simplified idea. Although I don't like NRE, I LOVE flirting - it makes me feel sexy and attractive - if I am flirting with people who also love flirting? Win/Win! We each get our "fix" and move on with our lives.

If you enjoy NRE, and are interacting with others who enjoy NRE, and neither of you are devastated when it doesn't work out when the NRE wanes? Fine. The question is - are you able to sustain your OTHER relationship during NRE? Are you able to sustain some healthy relationships past the NRE phase? Do you accurately represent yourself and your availability when seeking NRE opportunities?
 
People say "NRE junkie" as a dismissive phrase but, although I am not one, I think that is a simplified idea. Although I don't like NRE, I LOVE flirting - it makes me feel sexy and attractive - if I am flirting with people who also love flirting? Win/Win! We each get our "fix" and move on with our lives.

If you enjoy NRE, and are interacting with others who enjoy NRE, and neither of you are devastated when it doesn't work out when the NRE wanes? Fine. The question is - are you able to sustain your OTHER relationship during NRE? Are you able to sustain some healthy relationships past the NRE phase? Do you accurately represent yourself and your availability when seeking NRE opportunities?

Actually, I don’t even know that it is NRE that I am after....I just like talking to people and knowing that they are excited to talk to me too. I like finding common interests and having those “OMG s/he is MY SOUL MATE!” moments. I like being pursued and desired. Basically I like making new connections and feeling a sense of giddiness at the notion that someone else is excited to be making a connection with me too. So maybe it is flirting and not NRE that I am after....

Maybe this is why I change jobs so frequently....I enjoy meeting new colleagues and developing new skills and learning new things about new people.

The thing is, I really value long-term relationships. So flirting and going separate ways isn’t really all that satisfying.

Hmmmm....what is a more productive way to use this energy than by dating around and job hopping?
 
Why not get a hobby where you get to interact with people who share your interests.

For me it is animals.. For years I have competed with dogs or horses. For Butch he goes to the martial arts gym. For Murf it is cars both racing and showing classic cars. (I met him showing my 70 Nova) For some it is gaming. Others comic cons. My dad it is Civil War Reenacting.
 
Maybe this is why I change jobs so frequently....I enjoy meeting new colleagues and developing new skills and learning new things about new people.

The thing is, I really value long-term relationships. So flirting and going separate ways isn’t really all that satisfying.

Hmmmm....what is a more productive way to use this energy than by dating around and job hopping?

Lots of jobs entail meeting new colleagues, developing new skills and learning new things. I know it's not the same as bumping into a new "soulmate," but a different line of work might satisfy this desire in a more fulfilling way.
Just because a person is poly doesn't mean that she gets filled up and doesn't need new people and new ideas in her life. If you're a social person (and yes, a person can be a social introvert) then you'll always want new people, no matter how full your relationship dance card. Are you in some kind of community involvement? This is also a great way to have ongoing, satisfying commitment while also meeting new people along the way.
 
It has made me wonder if experienced poly folks are better at not getting caught up in the frenzy. Everyone else seems so much more....stable. It feels like I can’t just *ignore* OKCupid...because every time I pay it a little attention, I end up meeting someone cool. And how can I ignore all these potential friends and crushes and lovers? The FOMO is real.

Is this a normal stage of becoming polyamorous that will pass as I become more mature? Or is it more of a set personality type? Am I an NRE junkie?

Hey! Don't best yourself up!

I was in a similar situation. I was so excited because I would finally have the chance to be with a woman, as my bi self never got the chance as a teen. But, like you, I have two male partners.

I'd say I could manage a 3rd emotionally, but time and energy wise I don't want the stress. As much as I want a girlfriend desperately, because I've missed that my entire life and just...*sigh*
It wasn't until I went on my last date that I was like "I don't have time without detracting for my other partners; I should probably just be on the lookout for friends" So, unless it was specifically a LDR, I know now I can't do it.
But, on that note, every relationship is different and has different needs. If this starts with the honesty of "I may be nearing polysaturation, but since [partner] had a baby, (and babies take up time to an extent always), I'm not so much anymore." Then she is fully informed, and the relationship can develop naturally from there. You may find that, as the new baby gets less new, your partner will have more time and the poly saturation will hit, you may find that because of baby things change with that partner and they'll always be a little less available so a 3rd partner isn't out of the question and works perfectly!

My husband, Z, is easily polysaturated. He has room for 1 more person and not on a very romantic way. He just emotionally can't.

My fiance, B, doesn't like online dating. But is also an introvert. SO he has himself in a no win situation that is also fueled by being a touch lazy haha. SO he could handle another partner, but so far it's just his BFF/FWB. Personally, I think he is more like Z in terms of other partners. Sexual partners yes, romantic probably less so. He's also never tried to get that far.

I'd say it's a mix of personality type, but also a new to poly thing. You're testing limits! And NRE feels good!
 
Yet another entry on the two-male-partners and kind of wants a girlfriend list here - but I don’t think I have time right now, either. My OKC is still up but I don’t find I have the energy to reach out and make first contact, just because I haven’t really run into anyone that strikes me as compatible enough for me to MAKE time in my life for.
 
I don't have the emotional spoons for a third deeply connected relationship. Any additional partners would take away from the time I am spending with my husband and boyfriend. Gender is really irrelevant to me; I've dated both men and women and happily would again, so I'm not "missing" anything.

But I want lots of time and energy to spend with my partners, and I know that more than two would take away from what I have now. No potential partner is worth making a sacrifice of what I have now, for mere potential.

Once I saw that I was clicking with my boyfriend, I took my OKC profile down and haven't been interested in looking again. I'd be OK with friends or a FWB or whatnot, but nothing serious.
 
So have you found any more clarity? It's not super clear in your post.

I can tell you have a lot of NRE right now, which is super natural; but have you been being introspective about your emotions and your time?

I guess if I am being honest with myself, no. I have gained no additional clarity for how this will look or feel....

I think she seems pretty good at respecting and communicating about boundaries, though. And that gives me some confidence that we can figure out a balance as we go along.
 
I guess if I am being honest with myself, no. I have gained no additional clarity for how this will look or feel....

I think she seems pretty good at respecting and communicating about boundaries, though. And that gives me some confidence that we can figure out a balance as we go along.

Her communicating boundaries is good! She seems like a lovely person from your post! And, you asking to kiss her was lovely too! Never feel bad for that!

I also kinda sensed a little fear, you not knowing the future or if sex will feel good or natural. That's definitely some heavy stuff. I know you're bicurious; but how much of your sexuality is something you're comfortable with? What will you do if being with her sexually doesn't really click?

Why is Ponytail nervous? Have you talked to your other partners about what they are feeling?

How do you envision your time being dividied in the futute? How do you want it to look?

Sometimes trying to divorce yourself from those really exciting NRE feelings can be helpful. What advice would you give someone else in your situation?
 
Her communicating boundaries is good! She seems like a lovely person from your post! And, you asking to kiss her was lovely too! Never feel bad for that!

I also kinda sensed a little fear, you not knowing the future or if sex will feel good or natural. That's definitely some heavy stuff. I know you're bicurious; but how much of your sexuality is something you're comfortable with? What will you do if being with her sexually doesn't really click?

I suppose the same thing that I would do if being with anybody sexually didn’t work...see if it can be worked on or if we are incompatible. I think the thing that would be confusing for me in this situation would be that I wouldn’t know if it was a signal that I am not really interested in women....or whether it is just an incompatibility with one particular individual.

Why is Ponytail nervous? Have you talked to your other partners about what they are feeling?

You probably haven’t read my whole history with Ponytail, but basically Ponytail is always anxious about any new partners. It used to be more anxiety about being replaced, but now it is more about the fact that Ponytail doesn’t personally feel successful at dating, so it’s not really about me and my partners....it just makes Ponytail wish dating were easier.

Glasses is nervous too, mostly because he wants to make sure we are still keeping up with housework and he worries that I try to please everyone and will wear myself thin.

How do you envision your time being dividied in the futute? How do you want it to look?

Sometimes trying to divorce yourself from those really exciting NRE feelings can be helpful. What advice would you give someone else in your situation?

In an ideal world, I would see Ponytail on Tuesdays and Fridays every week, Kippah every other Saturday, and Whiskers every other Sunday. The rest of the time would be reserved for Glasses/alone time/ friends.

But in the real world, sometimes Whiskers will want to get together on a Saturday....or someone will be sick and need to reschedule. I don’t know...I guess I just have to try it?
 
For sure trying it is the only for sure way to find out if things work! I totally agree. I'd just advise to very much so go slowly. A third partner and a new baby in the polycule dynamics is a lot of change around the same time. Babies especially are such a huge time sink.
It's always hard to see how things may or may not work; I'd say you're for sure on the right path, but always just make sure to stay mindful of yourself and your needs, as well as open communication between everyone else. I have faith in you completely <3 You got this

Glasses worry is very pragmatic haha. I do understand where he is coming from. I know for us 3 the moment something new comes up we have a mad dash to make sure things are ready for the limited time ahead.For sure doable, but I'd definitely say this is an important thing to talk about. My house had some growing pains with the chores. It's amazing how much of a not go with the flow that ended up being! I felt so silly having us all sit down and make a more set chore chart; especially with while having an extra person in the house spreads some chores out more for me in ended up adding more than it too away and I had to adjust to that. It was harder than I assumed.
B and Z used to have the same thing as Ponytail RE: dating not being easy for them. They for sure have worked on that feeling; it also really helped that I realized I hit my saturation level and decided to stop dating others. They still haven't had an easy time dating unfortunately.
 
Pretty sure dating apps are designed to be addictive.

My 18 year old was telling me about this - that dating apps are modeled after game apps. You're given lots of "goodies" at first, then they become more scarce. The player gets more invested in the game and then starts paying for the goodies that used to be dropped on him for free. The more time spent in the game, the more investment the player feels and the more the player $tarts inve$ting. People get hooked on the dribs and drabs of emotional excitement, having gotten a taste for the possibilities. Game apps and dating apps are definitely designed to create and then drip feed the addiction experience - which doesn't make them bad, but it's helpful to know what you're dealing with.
 
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