Am I Allowed to be Jealous?

emyroses

New member
Hi,

I’m a current college student that’s been in poly relationships for the past few years of my life, having just gotten out of a two year one. These past relationships have all been online and with people who were dating others, but with me as their primary. I don’t often have others I’m seeing besides my primary because I am very selective of who I’m interested in, needing a strong friendship bond before I can even have a crush on someone. Recently I’ve been dating a guy who’s self titled as being attracted to anything that moves. It’s been good so far as he hasn’t really been seeing anyone, just telling me about crushes and few escapades which I’m fine and encourage him with. However, recently he told me that him and a best friend of both of ours are thinking of becoming more serious and I found myself feeling very strange on it. While I encourage him to go out and do things with others and have romantic relations, the idea of him with one of my best friends makes me feel weird. I feel jealous of the attention that he gave her while I’m off at work, however, I think this jealously just may be due to my long fear of being replaced in friend groups, only this time heightened due to a real relationship.

I’m also not as open sexually with him due to trauma and other constraints, but I know that our close friend is very open to sex which makes me worried that he’s going to make her a main sexual partner. And with that slowly leave me as I’m not needed? I know that this fear may sound irrational, but I have extreme paranoia and anxiety, having had these situations happen before.

How should I feel? How do I approach this topic with my partner? Should I try to get interested in our close friend so that we can all be together ?
 
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

FWIW, some things that pop up to me when reading your post.

I don’t often have others I’m seeing besides my primary because I am very selective of who I’m interested in, needing a strong friendship bond before I can even have a crush on someone.

Recently I’ve been dating a guy who’s self titled as being attracted to anything that moves.

Those two indicate very different values, personal standards, and approaches to relationships. It doesn't sound like you have a lot in common that way.

(Are you dating this guy just because for once it is local? :confused:)

If you have discovered that you and partner did not discuss "messy people" -- maybe it is time to correct that. You probably don't want him dating your boss, your mom, your friend. He probably would not enjoy you dating his dad, his roomie, etc. I might be wrong on who the messies are, but I can guess there are at least a few.

There's enough people in the world without going for the messy people who could create messy situations for each.

How should I feel?

You feel how you feel. You feel strange/weird about this development because it was not expected nor discussed.

How do I approach this topic with my partner?

What is "this topic?"

Is it "I feel upset/jealous/scared. I need comfort?" Then you say "Partner, I feel weird. I need some emotional support. Could you be willing to help me with that by doing ____?"

Is it "My friend is a messy person. I forgot to tell him who the messies are?" Then you say "Partner, I encourage you to date others, and still do. But I just realized we didn't have an important conversation about the messy people. Can we catch that up before this gets too deep?"

He might agree not to date her. Or he wants to date her and you don't want your friends in YOUR poly network. So you bow out and stop dating him. Either way solves it.

Should I try to get interested in our close friend so that we can all be together ?

No. You dating the friend/sharing sex with the friend and so on? Will not solve this. Do not try to "absorb" the friend somehow like that.

Actually talk out the stuff you need to talk about instead.

...makes me worried that he’s going to make her a main sexual partner. And with that slowly leave me as I’m not needed? I know that this fear may sound irrational, but I have extreme paranoia and anxiety, having had these situations happen before.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. That's the point to dating. To sort out the compatible ones. Then date some more to see if they are deeply compatible. Some who are initially compatible are not going to make it to deeply compatible.

Why do you want your partner to need you vs you want you partner to want to be with you? Because if he needs you for X, then it guarantees a place in their life? :confused:

What happened in past break ups that inspire paranoia and anxiety now? Did the break ups go badly? What do you do differently today to help a break up experience go better or more smoothly if they have to happen again? So they don't trigger you?

Do you talk about how you prefer to be broken up with should it have to happen? (email, phone, in person, etc)?

How do you vet people you date?

Maybe those are things to think about.

Galagirl
 
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You're "allowed to" feel however you feel. There's no "one true way" to feel when you're doing polyamory, and there's no right or wrong about emotions anyway, only about how you handle them.

It isn't uncommon to worry about being replaced by a new partner. I still deal with it sometimes with my 3-year-long relationship, even though he and I have discussed it thoroughly and I know he won't see someone else's good qualities as reasons to kick me to the curb. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about it, especially when I know another person is meeting one of his needs that I'm unable or unwilling to meet.

Others will disagree with me, but personally, I believe if you're feeling jealous or insecure, it's okay to tell your partner. Not in a confrontational way, but just, "I'm feeling uncomfortable about your relationship with X because I see that she gives you something I don't. Can we talk about this?" I've found that just asking my partner to remind me, in so many words, that he isn't going to dump me for someone else helps shut up the insecurity.

But as GalaGirl points out, it is perfectly okay to ask your partner to steer clear of dating certain people who play a role in your life. Again, it's about *how* you ask; saying "You can't date my friends" isn't going to be productive, but saying "I feel weird about you dating my friend, would you consider putting her on the no-date list?" is fine. (But remember that it's also okay for him to say, "Nope, I'm going to date her anyway.")

And getting closer to her so the three of you can be together is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. Best case is that it doesn't make things too awkward. Worst case, it puts you in the position of having to *see* them together, and that just makes everything worse.
 
Hello emyroses,

It is okay to feel jealous, everyone feels jealous from time to time. You can tell your partner how you're feeling. That is okay. You can even try to get interested in your close friend. That might work. Although as the others have said, it could go the other way. But in the meantime, it is okay to tell your partner, "I am feeling uncomfortable about your relationship with our close friend, especially since the two of you are thinking of becoming more serious. Can we talk about that?" You can even ask him to not date her anymore, but if you do, be prepared for the possibility that he might say no. You might have to decide whether you can live with him seeing her while you're seeing him too. Maybe you'll decide you need to break up with him. That is okay too.

Hopefully the posts on this thread so far have helped.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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