Why Be Unhappy?

PolyinPractice

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I'm not sure if this is a poly question, but it can be affected by being poly....

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? I feel like monogamy-minded folks think there is one true love...if they found it, they have to keep it and make it work somehow (or, something, I don't know, I just feel like things should have some reason, and that sounds reasonable....)

But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly). You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better. You're freer to choose a relationship.

So, if you're poly, what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?
 
I think there are myriad reasons. For me, I stayed with Maca because I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves. I was determined to stick with it as long as we were both willing to keep working on those conflicts.
I am glad i did. Because even though the first 12 years or so of our relationship had some REALLY major issues; the past few have been so inspiringly wonderful and we are both such better people, ALL of our relationships (romantic and otherwise) are healthier and happier.
We just grew up and got our lives on track. I'm not saying we couldn't have done that apart. But, I think we would have hurt more people struggling through our shit apart. Whereas this way, we kept hurting each other and we were both there working through the healing process together.
 
But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly).

So poly people can only be with other poly people only?

Why?

One of my husbands is mono. He brings me inner peace. He actually never wanted to get married. I changed his view on marriage.
 
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I would also assume that when either a mono or poly couple have children together there is strong impetus to make it work.

Another issue is love. People can be in a miserable relationship and still love each other. The love inspires them to keep working - especially if things weren't always bad. My consort left an emotionally abusive wife. He knows it was the healthy to do, and yet there are still times he grieves for the good times they once shared. Some people do not have the strength to pull themselves out of unhealthy relationships, because their feelings toward the other person include the times when things were good between them.
 
Sorry

So poly people can only be with other poly people only?

Why?

One of my husbands is mono. He brings me inner peace. He actually never wanted to get married. I changed his view on marriage.

Pardon. I was just trying to cover myself when I said it was okay to date engaged/married persons. I didn't want people thinking I thought it was okay for a poly person to date a married person in a monogamous relationship-- simply because ONE of the people was poly.

Honestly, I tend to forgot mono/poly relationships are even possible. If you're mono and you date a poly person, I alway feel that makes you poly by default, since you have distant, or not so distant, relations with the other partners.
 
I think there are myriad reasons. For me, I stayed with Maca because I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves. I was determined to stick with it as long as we were both willing to keep working on those conflicts.
I am glad i did. Because even though the first 12 years or so of our relationship had some REALLY major issues; the past few have been so inspiringly wonderful and we are both such better people, ALL of our relationships (romantic and otherwise) are healthier and happier.
We just grew up and got our lives on track. I'm not saying we couldn't have done that apart. But, I think we would have hurt more people struggling through our shit apart. Whereas this way, we kept hurting each other and we were both there working through the healing process together.

LR, while I could not honestly say I would be comfortable in such a position, I can understand why it was important for you. I guess I have more of an issue where one person is unhappy....and making the other person unhappy.
 
what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?

This question seems to assume that they are ABLE to see they are miserable. Does not address the next questions of

  • Are they are WILLING to leave?
  • Are they are ABLE to leave?
  • Are they ABLE to stay gone?

There are many reasons -- finances, children, hope for change, denial, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, depression, abuse, fear, threat, etc. for why someone may choose to stay in less than healthy relationships.

Reasons will be unique to the persons involved.

But I would like to lift up that miserable people sometimes get used to it. It becomes their "normal" and they may not be at their best thinking power or realize that their situation is indeed a miserable one.

More than one formerly abused friend has told me later variations on

"I did not know how sad I was until I left and could finally experience something happier. I had gotten use to this high level of crazy so for me to notice anything as "bad" it would have to come in pretty loud for me to finally notice. I'd become numb/blind to my own unhappiness."​

Galagirl
 
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There has to be a personal reason.
I have had other relationships that I walked out of gracefully after a short time-because it was clearly not going to work.
But in this case-it was clearly a combination of not knowing how to have a healthy relationship in the circumstances we were in & outside stressors that we were dealing with (read custody nightmare with drug addict parent).

For those who have stood by us-they've seen; once the custody battle stopped and we were able to actually look at our lives and really focus on wth we were doing; we got things together in about a year and a half.

Each little stressor brings it's own hassles and moving from mono to poly is a stressor. Doing it with someone who had an affair-another stressor. Kids= another stressor. etc.

We had our fair share of stressors.
Actually; a lot of things fell into place, made sense and became easily navigable after reading galagirls posts.
It was just a clearer way to look at things. Something no counselor (and we saw many) ever gave us. lol.

The best post she gave us was something to the affect of asking when the punishment for the affair ended so life could go on. ANYONE's life.
That one post was a life-changer.
Because it was a perspective changer for all of us.

You see-Maca couldn't "get on with living a happy life" either. Because he was still caught up in "revenge". Once he thought about "when do I deserve to move on with MY LIFE"; he realized, "a long time ago" was the answer.
 
Murf has said flat out I am an exception in his life. On many levels.

He had fallen hard for me before he asked me out. We met in real life through the hot rod car scene.

Mr "I never want to get married. I need my space and I am an independent asshole." Wants a lifetime commitment with me. Has a hard time when we are apart. We have been together every minute since Friday. I was going to go home tonight because Butch has training at 7am and I didn't want to wake Murf with my alarm to get home at 430am. Murf doesn't want me to sleep alone..lol. He is curled up sleeping with his head on my lap "watching" football with his eyes closed.

Did I go looking for this lifestyle no. M
Butch pointed out 2 years before I met Murf that there was nothing wrong with me. I was poly. Not a horrible person with a wandering eye, never cheated. Before Butch I was serially monogamous. He gave me the freedom to allow me to be me.

Like all the best things in my life.. I had to just let it find me.
 
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.
 
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.

Nah. I stayed with my ex for over 30 years. The last 10 were a series of high highs and low lows. I stayed for the highs, we did therapy (an entire year of couples therapy, plus a year of individual therapy for him, 3 years of individual therapy for me), we talked and talked on our own, dozens, hundreds of hours.

Nothing we did worked to bring us more together. But I was determined to give it all I had to see if we could see eye to eye again. Yes, we had a large house we'd decorated and renovated together, big gardens we loved, we had 3 kids, 2 cars, he had a good job, I was a SAHM homeschooling mom. Seemingly we had much in common, food, music and art preferences, intellectually, spiritually, politically, parenting style. We met when I was 19 and he was 21, grew up together, then grew apart!

Such a feeling of relief when we finally cut each other loose! We split in '08, we weren't spring chickens.
 
Sometimes the fear of the unknown is more painful than the bad relationship, especially if it's not an abusive or hurtful situation, but just lackluster.

Some people are afraid to be alone. Just because you're poly doesn't necessarily mean you actually have multiple relationships to "fall back on." There's a thread in the blogs section where people are discussing not having a partner available full-time to help with things like house maintenance. Especially if you don't have much experience living on your own, this can be scary and feel overwhelming. If finances were entwined, there can also be a fear of not being able to make it on one's own.

I also think there's this idea that relationships that end are a failure, that the people in them weren't good enough to keep it together. Maybe they just didn't try hard enough. And who wants to feel like a failure?

Perhaps the issue is the possibility of losing access to children/pets/home. If Fly and I broke up, I would have no rights whatsoever to see Kiddo. He's not my biological child, even though I've helped raise him since he was one. Actually, both Fly and his baby mama would probably jump at the chance of having me babysit, but I would have no guarantees. I'd also lose my chickens, two of my cats that are officially his, and a home that I've invested energy, time, money, and love into. Even if things were difficult between us, this would be a lot to give up and weigh heavily in favor of trying to stick things out.

And, some people are used to miserable. It's been like that so long, that they don't necessarily recognize that they're miserable - it's just the norm. :(
 
I'm not sure if this is a poly question, but it can be affected by being poly....

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? I feel like monogamy-minded folks think there is one true love...if they found it, they have to keep it and make it work somehow (or, something, I don't know, I just feel like things should have some reason, and that sounds reasonable....)

But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly). You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better. You're freer to choose a relationship.

So, if you're poly, what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?

Sometimes-- the suffering that you are familiar with is less troubling than that which is part of the unknown.

Pink Floyd said it: choosing a 'Lead role In a Fishbowl", over a "Walk on Part In a War".
 
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.
Sometimes it is to explore. How much further can it go? Can I change the other person? Also, it may because the need to be with someone is strong and no-one else/better has gotten along.

With my last, crappy relationship, it just had to burn out until I was fallen completely out of love. Then I started to see him in a different light, not just with my mind, but with my heart and body as well. The most vital change was the fact that I stopped becoming aroused by him. I easily get aroused by even exes and strangers, so that fact I did not get the hots for him anymore told med that I was worn out from trying to make something work with him. Ever since, I can see that he is a handsome man but I don't find him physically attractive like I used to. He still has a connection with me, but without the sparks I can manouver more easily, like I would a friend I was drawn to but did not think I was compatible with.
 
Usually because they feel they can't get or deserve anyone better.

do you really live in a world where people are full of flaws and just enjoy wallowing in shit, are insecure and so weak that they don't know what they want, are merely codependent and can't stand on their own feet? Your description of poly people is consistently dark...

As for why people stay in relationships when they're not happy - because sometimes relationships go through dark spaces and you come out fine, in the end. Problem is, you never know when that is. Sometimes people seriously hurt the other, and it takes time to rebuild trust. Sometimes there are health issues involved and you have to put yourself and your happiness on the back burner while you care for someone.

Yes, sometimes people fear that the evil they know is worse than the evil they don't. But I've been surrounded by divorces in the past 3 years - I think there are plenty of people who knew when it was time to cut their ties, even if they got NOBODY better, for the moment.
 
I am unhappy in a relationship right now and I am probably making my partner somewhat unhappy. But I stay because I have hope that somehow things could change and we could be crazy happy again. I'm working hard to change my feelings and perceptions of his interest in other women. We have a lot of positive past experience and a big commitment which I hope will carry us through to the other side. As bookbug said, I am inspired to keep trying because of love and the assumption that that love doesn't disappear because my feelings are stormy. Especially because the relationships has been historically safe loving and fulfilling.


Norwegianpoly alluded to another reason - I want to see how far we can go, it is truly an adventure in intimacy. It would be easy to walk out, I need to fight the urge regularly lately. I have the skills, resources and willingness to live alone, to dismantle what we have created, but I just don't want to. More intriguing is the question of how can two very different people who love each other very much find a way to be happy together. Can I remold my thinking enough, challenge my assumptions enough? I don't want to give up too soon. Pulliman said that sometimes relationships go through dark places and come out fine, that has already happened once in my relationship and my assumption is that it will happen again. The question will become how long do you try, how do you know that you're trying hard enough. I guess when I stop wanting to keep trying. Or rather I stop wanting to try over a long period of time.

Maybe I stay because I'm in denial of what I see in front of my face: we have very different ambition and love styles and I feel alarm that he is not making choice in various areas of his life which will support our stated goals. Maybe I'm an emotional masochist, maybe I just wanted to settle down finally and I thought that I found the one to do it with.

As an aside, I identify as mono but don't believe in one true love, I've loved several deeply. It's just that preference is to love one at a time as my energies tend to be very focused and I have a lot of outside demands on my time.
 
I'm not sure if this is a poly question, but it can be affected by being poly....

Why do people stay in unhappy relationships? I feel like monogamy-minded folks think there is one true love...if they found it, they have to keep it and make it work somehow (or, something, I don't know, I just feel like things should have some reason, and that sounds reasonable....)

But if you're poly, you don't believe in one love. You can be with whoever you want, single, married, engaged (so long as they're poly). You can end a relationship....romantically...and still stay friends, if that works better. You're freer to choose a relationship.

So, if you're poly, what makes someone stick in a relationship that is making them miserable? Do they hope to change the person? Do they like the feeling of suffering? What is it?

I dont. I spend 12 years in a relationship with someone that made me unhappy. I will never do that again. Probably why most of my poly relationships dont last very long. i break things off if they get to be too much work. Drama, games and stress arent worth it no matter how great someone seems on paper. Im not that desperate to be with someone to deal with it.
 
you really live in a world where people are full of flaws and just enjoy wallowing in shit, are insecure and so weak that they don't know what they want, are merely codependent and can't stand on their own feet? Your description of poly people is consistently dark...

I'll answer this by pointing to my senior member badge underneath my name.


I've said before that I don't believe successful relationships require the people involved to chop and chisel themselves to fit. Someone might have flaws that stop them having relationships with anyone but that's a different and individual matter. That's not trying to mould people into compatibility. Like most people, I believe strong foundations with compatible people maximize the chances of successful relationships. Successful meaning relationships that make the people involved happy. Ie the chances of you having happy, successful relationships with someone incompatible is relatively small. If you find yourself needing to change or do hard work to be happy with someone, you're more than likely incompatible.
 
I sincerely believed we were battling learned behaviors, not our own true selves.

That is the most clear and concise way to summarize my fuzzy thoughts on this. Sometimes I'll be really upset for a while, and Gralson will sincerely ask "Why do you even want to stay together? It seems like you're just unhappy all the time." The way you put it hits the nail on the head.

As for why people stay in relationships when they're not happy - because sometimes relationships go through dark spaces and you come out fine, in the end.

We find that not only do we come out fine, but without exception, we come out better. We learn about each other, we learn about ourselves, we (slowly but surely) change bad habits and crappy behaviours, we improve our communication and intimacy and build trust. Every challenge we face and conquer together makes us stronger as a couple as well as individually.
 
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