The pace of the one who is struggling most

In short I'd say you have a spectator and not a partner at the moment. Similar to the idea I talked about earlier in this thread where some people will watch to see how much they can take. Setting up boundaries and compromising does work, but they are ultimately masking that you have conflicting needs from relationships - you the more open and him the more closed. Learning to acccept that and figuring out ways to cope will be more effective in the long run. And of course you both have to the accept the cost of finding that coping mechanism. It might not be a closer relationship for you and your husband. But if you have other common goals that remaining partners is a benefit for then you can focus on those.

He's likely not ever going to be fully "ok" sharing his wife (and yes, in the mongmamous world it's ok to say his wife, and her husband). Just like you would likely never be ok with being monogamous, but what are his options? Surrender and leave you, whine until you leave him, or suck it up and try to make a go of it?

Sometimes continuously sharing the same negative emotions over and over again can put more strain on the relationship than just internalizing and dealing with them on our own. Of course every now and then the underlying issue may seep out and that is where the confusion can occur for the other partner.


I have yet to hear from or meet any mono/poly couple that is 100% comfortable on both sides.
 
I believe I once asked if her husband would ever come here and the OP said he would be mortified to talk to anyone about this, so I doubt that would ever happen, RP.
Well, one can but try. Besides I was suggesting a private chat, not on the forum. Sometimes it takes some one on one with a specific person rather than creating too many options. Ya, that can be daunting to say the least. Anyway, he can know now (when the moment is right) that someone who might "get it" from his perspective is out there at least.

As Mono says though, there is really no news here that isn't already known. It seems to be a matter of just feeling uncomfortable in compromises rather than comfortable with boundaries. It is doable. I have lived it and am used to it.
 
Thanks Mono, Redpepper. I'm hoping he'll come around to the point where he is willing to hear other perspectives. At this point I think he fears I'm trying to convert him to my way of thinking, if I ask him to read or hear an opinion from anyone who doesn't find polyamory totally objectionable.

Yesterday after I had spent time with C, my husband angrily tossed out a new rule, that C not come into contact with our children. My 9 year old already bonded with him when we attended a dance weekend together in September, so this felt pretty unfair to me. I felt like he was punishing C, or treating him as if he were an immoral man who couldn't be trusted, and I told my husband that seemed mighty unfair, considering all the effort I had put into discussing things openly, setting up clear boundaries, and scrupulously sticking to them. I told him I felt defeated even trying to please him, when I find myself charged guilty at every turn for violating agreements I never made, even for actions I never committed. I think I finally got through. He did give me his sincere thanks for abiding by all our agreements.

I asked him to let me know in advance if the boundaries need to change, so he said fine, and added rules that C should never enter our house, or our car, see our children, or be anywhere that my husband might cross his path. (Remember, he lives across the state so that last one's not too terribly impractical.)

I woke up this morning realizing that these are not really the things my husband doesn't want; I mean, he's fine with men getting to know our kids, men coming over for dinner, men riding in our car. What he really can't stand is the thought of C's hands in my pants. And I think that's what the whole NYE overreaction was about too. So I wrote to C this morning and broke it off. I mean, I hope to salvage all the other parts of our relationship, and maybe get the physical part back in the future, but for now it seems clear to me that it's a harder struggle for my husband when I do these things, than for me if I don't.

Then I told my husband, whose first reaction was, "It's your choice. I'm not saying I'm ok with it, but it's your choice." Later he came back and thanked me for making that choice.

So there it is. I tried intimacy with L, and didn't like the way it fit into our existing relationship. I tried intimacy with C, got scared by the pace and slowed it down, picked it up again and totally enjoyed it, and have now called it off for my husband's comfort. I'm really not interested in intimacy with my husband now, though, because I feel like my sexual side is so disgusting to him. So I've gone from 3 lovers to none, in a few short weeks. All I've got now is dancing.
 
Keep an eye on your personal health, AnotherConfused. You really need to make sure you are in a good place in life over the long haul. You've made some pretty big compromises and that is admirable, but don't loose yourself. Hopefully you will find greater closeness with your husband through this.

Take care
Mono
 
So sorry to hear this :( That's horrible. From day one this was the possible outcome I was scared of the most personally. I would feel so much resentment towards my husband in this situation .. I can hardly think about it. Hopefully you two are able to sort this out again and that there is not too much damage done already on both sides. *sigh*
 
Aaarrrggghhh!!!
 
It seems you both got a bit reactionary. Could he have popped on here and read about the masturbation stuff...which set up his response to the recent visit. With the physical distances between you and these men why pull the plug because these new boundaries...nothing to restrictive to stop the two of you from your intimacies. Or why not negotiate for some limits of the most important one while he gets his feet under him again. Like the kids...or car. I think all these joint activities so soon took its toll. How tight did you slam the door.
 
I'm not really resenting him. I mean, he tried. It just didn't work. The man's from India, after all, and I'm a far cry from the women he encountered growing up.

It feels like we're fumbling our way down a dark tunnel. We think we're sticking to the middle, and suddenly we hit a wall, and adjust our course. First I hurt, so we agreed I could explore these other relationships, then he hurt, so I'm holding back again. We'll see how far we can go this time before we bump up against something else.

On the positive side, I was already starting to feel uneasy about the dead-end nature of my relationship with C, considering he wants a monogamous girlfriend eventually. I've been getting pretty attached. This might make it easier, for when that time comes. I do wish we'd had just one opportunity to be alone in a room with a bed, though. I'm still hoping.

I'm hoping, by my making this choice, that my husband will be willing to do a little more digging now, and try to help us both understand where he is coming from (other than a conservative culture, I mean). I suspect that the root of his discomfort has mostly to do with his urgent need to be respected. He wants to live a life that holds up to public scrutiny. He is the walking definition of integrity, and I admire that about him, but I have the hardest time grasping how our sexual habits should have to meet anyone's approval other than our own. I never really get the sense that he is jealous for more typical reasons. Like, he's never been jealous of any ex-boyfriends or the fact that I had been with a fair number of men before meeting virginal him. But he doesn't want anyone making his marriage look bad.

Dingedheart, I haven't burned any bridges with C (or L), but just said my husband can't handle this right now. Right now, rather than renegotiated boundaries, I think he needs me to just focus on him, and on us. Luckily he's not limiting L in his contact with the kids, etc. First he said he would "to be consistent" but when I pointed out that intimacy hadn't felt right with L, so we decided to stop, he said in that case it was ok. Thankfully, since L has known my kids their whole lives and they adore him.

I don't know what the future will hold. I have another dance weekend with C lined up for late February, and we were really looking forward to finally getting some proper time alone (he has an apartment in that town). But that's a long way off, and anything could happen between now and then.
 
Thanks Mono, Redpepper. I'm hoping he'll come around to the point where he is willing to hear other perspectives. At this point I think he fears I'm trying to convert him to my way of thinking, if I ask him to read or hear an opinion from anyone who doesn't find polyamory totally objectionable.

What he really can't stand is the thought of C's hands in my pants.
Mono would never try and "convince" ANYONE of a Mono/poly relationship. Neither would I. I don't generally convince anyone of anything. I Generally just inform and attempt to educate. Mono and I both agree that mono/poly relationships are way to difficult to convince anyone of. If you husband ever wants to discuss it, please be sure he knows that it would be from a place of bouncing ideas off of each other and to share what we have learned in OUR relationship.

Sounds like its a moot issue at this point. :( Too bad. I think this is a really good reason NOT to share sexual experiences with other partners. It really is best to keep it between the partner you are with. The finger job likely added fuel to his fire... or id die he know about that? It kind of seemed so by the last sentence I quoted.
 
Mono would never try and "convince" ANYONE of a Mono/poly relationship. Neither would I. I don't generally convince anyone of anything. I Generally just inform and attempt to educate. Mono and I both agree that mono/poly relationships are way to difficult to convince anyone of. If you husband ever wants to discuss it, please be sure he knows that it would be from a place of bouncing ideas off of each other and to share what we have learned in OUR relationship.

Thank you. I have definitely seen that you and Mono aren't at all pushy, unless it's just to push people to be honest, and I appreciate that. I don't think my husband wants to talk to anyone else at this point, because he wants the whole thing to go away, but he was also opposed to my choosing a marriage counselor off a "poly-friendly" list. I don't think he's open to any opinions about polyamory other than, "That's totally messed up and your wife is being selfish." I will let him know your offer though. And I'm personally extremely grateful for this community for all the help, and having a place to write out my thoughts.

Sounds like its a moot issue at this point. :( Too bad. I think this is a really good reason NOT to share sexual experiences with other partners. It really is best to keep it between the partner you are with. The finger job likely added fuel to his fire... or id die he know about that? It kind of seemed so by the last sentence I quoted.

Oh gosh, I never said a thing about anything we did, except the fix-it project at my business. Leaving out, of course, the 15 minutes we spent in the basement there "looking for screws". I think he just assumed we were doing everything he hadn't said no to, and fingering was not on the "no" list. Plus he knows I like it. (A lot.) I think he has just been imagining everything to the extreme, and some of it hasn't been real (C and I scheming ahead to get that second-to-last dance) and some of it has (really nice fingers).

So much complexity, I'm about ready to throw in the towel and become a nun. Or a prostitute. I don't know which extreme.:D
 
One of the big draw backs to the DADT policy.

Right? But what's the other option? How does a do-tell policy play out?

I think what went wrong was that first we made a compromise that he was far from comfortable with (and maybe he didn't realize that at first), and then he didn't trust me to stick to it. So first he imagined all the things he didn't want me to do but allowed, and then he imagined that I was going beyond that anyway. I hope he can regain his trust in me (I've given him no reason to doubt my honesty) and then eventually get more comfortable with some looser boundaries, because I really don't see myself being happily monogamous from here on out.
 
We talked a lot tonight (his suggestion) and I thought we were really making some headway. He seems to expect that I will need to get back to having physically intimate relationships, even though I've offered to put that on hold, so he wanted to be clear about those boundaries... mostly that he wants nothing to do with anyone I'm intimate with, and he wants to be informed if I develop new relationships so he knows who to avoid. Seemed like things were healing and he asked me to come to bed with him (not sex, just sleeping in the same bed) but then we talked a few minutes too long.

He says people with children have to be more careful. I said I didn't how polyamory was bad for children. That our kids aren't going to know whether I go out for a coffee or a screw, only whether their parents have a healthy relationship. He said my being in other relationships puts our kids at risk of being victims of pedophiles, and that he especially mistrusts people who don't have kids of their own (that would be C).

My god! I'm all for keeping our kids safe from undue risk, but even having been a child sex abuse victim once myself, I think this is taking things waaaay too far! To suggest that someone who loves me is likely to be after something so sick and demented... to suggest that someone I love should be held in suspicion... so I got out of bed, asked him not to sexually abuse my daughters while he was upstairs alone with them tonight, and returned to the guest bed. Am I out of line in thinking, "What a jerk!"? Grrr.
 
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Am I out of line in thinking, "What a jerk!"? Grrr.

No. I've been thinking this throughout the entire thread.

This man needs a mono wife of his own cultural background. Full stop.
 
He says people with children have to be more careful. ... He said my being in other relationships puts our kids at risk of being victims of pedophiles, and that he especially mistrusts people who don't have kids of their own (that would be C).

It's pretty obvious to me that he basically views polyamory as perverse, and anyone who wants to be polyamorous as sick in some way. And that includes you, especially since you are shucking away the prescribed role he expects for a wife. I believe this is so ingrained in him, he will probably never get past it. I also think that once he married you, he stopped seeing you as an individual, but mostly as his wife with a duty to uphold -- and he is tolerating your actions because divorce is likely just as shameful as what you want to do. This is just the way it is with most cultural brainwashing that goes on, no matter how modern someone can be. My ex, as open-minded as he is, struggled with similar issues about "what a wife should be" from his upbringing in a strict Italian/Spanish/Catholic household. Sometimes a person simply cannot get beyond certain aspects of a repressive belief system.
 
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So at his suggestion you talked ...which was good because he had shut down.

The last part this talk on centered on the current rules...and a discussion on the reasoning behind them is brought up. So he honestly answer's... (we think)...and tells you his fear. A CRAZY ungrounded, nutty fear. And yes I get it was insulting to you but crazy irrational fears can be treated. Is he super over protective of the kids in all area's of life?

You once said your marriage was painful did you ever tell him that. Maybe you need to move away from that which is causing so much pain. You and he deserve to be happy. I'm sure he wouldn't want to be married to you if he thought it was painful for you.
 
Breakthrough! My husband stayed up all night reading everything I posted here (hi honey), and then asked his boss for today off to work on his marriage. We are talking.

Neither of us intends to give up on this marriage. What I write on here focuses on this part of our lives where we are different and struggling, but ignores all the rest, where we are perfectly compatible -our views on religion and politics, our taste in food, entertainment and home decor, our shared interests in many many areas, most of our fundamental values... we have a lot that works. And a home, and a family. We are keeping this.

We are just going to learn how to love each other better, if it takes us our whole lives.
 
Breakthrough! My husband stayed up all night reading everything I posted here (hi honey), and then asked his boss for today off to work on his marriage. We are talking.

Neither of us intends to give up on this marriage. What I write on here focuses on this part of our lives where we are different and struggling, but ignores all the rest, where we are perfectly compatible -our views on religion and politics, our taste in food, entertainment and home decor, our shared interests in many many areas, most of our fundamental values... we have a lot that works. And a home, and a family. We are keeping this.

We are just going to learn how to love each other better, if it takes us our whole lives.

Well that sounds good. :)

I don`t think your husband needs to let go of his beliefs, if he feels they are true for him. The problem, is when we try to force others to follow our own beliefs. Anyone can look around themselves, the internet, and even this forum, and see 'cultural brainwashing'..Where people see only their own view of what is right.

If you can find a balance between the differences, as well as a respect for each others needs, you can truly learn to love each other for who each of you really are, not what each of you may want the other to be.
 
What I write on here focuses on this part of our lives where we are different and struggling, but ignores all the rest...
Aww, I hope you know that we know that. We've only been giving you feedback about what you have posted. Of course, human beings are multifaceted creatures and anything any of us shares here will be just a tiny sliver of a picture of our lives.

You have stated many times on this board how much you love your husband. No one thinks he's an asshole or a bad guy -- we just get that he has his issues and cultural conditioning to contend with in dealing with your inherent need to love others fully. You have your issues, too. No one comes without baggage. I hope, if he reads here again, that he knows he is welcome to post, too, and that we're not against him or automatically taking your side. Ultimately, everyone here wants you and him to both find a happy compromise.
 
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