I really struggled making a distinction between needs and wants, and this is why I had a difficult time making my needs list earlier. Since then I've come accross a definition that makes sense and made it easy for me to understand the difference. The problem I had earlier is that needs and wants both seemd to have the same directionality: I get/take something that fills a need or want, so what's the difference? Language doesn't help here. But it really is simple: "Needs are discomforts." So wants are comforts. And this changes directionality. Needs require actions that take you away from something uncomfortable, to a neutral state. Wants require actions that take you towards something, to positive state. So I rearranged my needs list to fit this idea and also Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It was interesting to see that my original list mostly followed the Maslow order. I changed some items on the list and added some. After I finished the list I wanted to use the same structure for my wants list so I googled hierarchy of wants to see if someone had done it. I got a bunch of pictures of the hierarchy of needs, so apparently the distinction is not that easy for others either.
I realise that I have some weird stuff on level 1. Not really basic physiological survival needs. I'm not sure there are any related to relationships assuming you are not held prisoner by your partner and denied food or something. I placed few things on level 1, because for me these things are connected to physical discomforts. If I don't have enough time and space for myself I get tense and this is a physical sensation. So to recognise when I have neglegted this need I have to monitor physical sensations (until I learn to recognise the situation beforehand). Touch is essential and replaced sex from the earlier list, they are on the same needs–wants continuum of course. The last one includes physical safety, so it starts on the level one, but exceeds to level 5.
Level two could also be seen as the certainty that the basic needs are met in the future also, not just here and now. In a relationship my near future safety comes mainly from predictability and continuity. Trust is also essential for my continued sense of safety. Originally I had, plans, promises and clarity in communication here, but then I decided those are wants.
Level three is about belonging to a group. It was interesting to notice that to me relationship doesn't actually connect with that many level three needs. The only one that is really about having a group is needing family. I have children, but I do need someone to share their life with. Everyday stuff, doing things together, enjoying time together as a group. Somehow me and the kids isn't enough of a group, I really would like to have another adult as a part of that group. Friendship I can get without a relationship, but I don't think a relationship without friendship would work. Openly showing vulnerability could have been on level 4, but I figured it is essential for companionship, so I placed it here.
Level four is actually about being appreciated and respected for what you do (in Maslows hierarchy), but I figured it's more essential to be appreciated and respected for who you are.
Level five is connected to my creativity. Things I need to be able to give back to the community. To develop myself to the point where I can make a positive difference. Both items are actually about inspiration.
My needs in a relationship 2
Level 1:*the need to reduce current physical discomforts
- I need touch
- I need time and space for myself
- I need to feel safe and comfortable physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually
Level 2:* the need to feel safe enough in the near future ( in effect to know that level one needs are met in the future)
- I need predictability and continuity
- I need trust
Level 3: the need for companionship
- I need family and friendship
- I need to be vulnerable and to share vulnerable moments with another person
Level 4: the need to be recognized as someone special and being valued by a group.
- I need to be seen and accepted with all my struggles
- I need to be allowed to make mistakes and to learn from them
- I need support and I need to be of support
Level 5: the need to be self actualized.
- I need to feel inspired and I need to inspire
- I need to be with someone who has a spark of their own, someone who is driven by their own passion for life (as an inspiration and an example)
So my wants list next. It's arranged similarly to the needs list, just to see if I could find more continuums.
My wants in a relationship:
Level 1:*physical pleasures
- hugging, cuddling, kissing, caressing, sex
- exercising, using and moving my body (not just watching series and movies)
Level 2:* feeling secure, content and joyful
- laughter and jokes
- being together without doing something
- clarity in communication, intentions and actions, reasonable plans and promises
Level 3: sharing experiences
- working together
- sharing ideas
- knowing my partners past and what they want from future, being allowed to share my past and future with my partner
Level 4: having a distinct role in a group
- being known and appreciated for what I do and what I've achieved
- to know people would miss me if I'm not around
Level 5: giving back to the community
- expressing myself through arts and crafts
- sharing the lessons I've learned in life
I feel like writing "my wants in life" list
But maybe I won't bother you with that one. This one was quite difficult to write at first. it was hard to think beyond needs. Maybe it means my needs aren't met that well yet. Thinking in continuums really helped.